Sex

The climax. The big “O.” Coming. Cleave the pin. Let go. Crack your marbles. You’ve heard all the euphemisms, but you haven’t quite been able to get there yourself. So, whenever you have sex, you’re so focused on getting to the finish line yourself that you just can’t seem to quite get there.We’re here to help! Your sexual pleasure is important, and not being able to orgasm is stressful, uncomfortable, and frustrating. Ready to climax but not sure how? Come (ha) along with me!

You’re expecting a giant explosion of emotion
The movies (and friends sometimes, too!) can make an orgasm sound like a firework is exploding in your body. Not every orgasm feels like that. As I once said, orgasms are like snowflakes — they’re all unique!
Don’t orgasm-compare either! As much as I love talking to friends about sex, make sure you understand that their experiences are going to be different from yours.

You’re too tense
Relax girl! When you get too overworked making sure you climax, your body can’t “let go.”
Yoga, stretching, really any kind of exercise, and meditation can help you relax and get over all the stress you’re putting your body through. It might also be a good idea to let your partner know that you’re struggling. He or she might be able to help calm your nerves and get your body to relax.  

You and your partner aren’t connecting
As much as I hate to write this one, it could be something in your relationship that’s making orgasming difficult. Whether you’re not connected physically, you’re both stressed about something, you’re miscommunicating, or something else is going on between the two of you, it might make your body tense up or your mind might be in a different place.
Practice some mindfulness. It might sound weird (and difficult!), but stay in the present while you’re having sex. Really be there with your partner and stay focused on what’s happening in the present moment. You’ll feel more gratitude toward your partner, and have better sex (!!!).

Try masturbating
If you haven’t tried getting off on your own, YOU MUST. Ok, it’s not that dramatic, but I would definitely recommend you start here! Masturbation helps you get an idea of what you enjoy, and once you’re able to make yourself orgasm, it’s easier to tell your partner what he or she can do to get you there.
If you’re struggling to get off from masturbation as well, try adding in toys and trying different positions.

Sex is painful
If sex hurts, obviously you’re not going to enjoy it enough to orgasm. Make an appointment with your doctor ASAP.

If you’re taking some medications
Certain medications can decrease your libido and lower your ability to climax. If this is really bothering you, bring this up with your doctor as well.

You’re afraid of losing control
Self-proclaimed control freak here, and I can say first-hand that being afraid to lose control and let your body go is actually a very common reason for not being able to orgasm. If you’re with a new partner, dealing with body image issues, or dealing with other areas of stress in your life, it’s easy to feel like you don’t want to lose control of your sex life.
Communicate with your partner that you’re struggling with this aspect of your sex life. Getting it off your chest is the first step in relinquishing control, and your partner might be able to ease your mind of some of the (probably false!) narratives you’re telling yourself. More

It’s a common fact that I’m an astounding gift-giver. I’m really attentive to people’s tastes; when I shop, I can see exactly what I think my friends and family would adore. But I’m rarely asked about my favorite gift I’ve ever received, which is maybe lucky because the answer is 100 percent a vibrator. Buying yourself a vibrator is a self-care choice, but buying one for your best friend is the sign of true companionship. The first step to de-stigmatizing sex for women (stream “WAP” by Cardi B and Megan Thee Stallion, people) and using sex toys, whether alone or with a partner, starts with you. Show your friends that sex toys are fun and exciting and not something they should be afraid of. So whether you’re introducing your friend to the vast world of vibrators or surprising them with a little something to brighten their day (or night, or mid-afternoon, or lunch break—we don’t judge), these sex toys will do it. Friends don’t let friends use crusty old vibrators from boyfriends past, so be a true friend with one of these magical treats.

Mini G-Spot Vibrator

HELLO, WORLD. I would like to introduce you to my newest discovery: Nasty Gal (yes, one of our favorite retailers for clothes) sells sex toys. *cue my happy dance* Grabbing yourself a new blazer or loungewear set for the fall? Add this little vibe with it (and maybe grab one for yourself too). This G-spot vibrator is biodegradable (love) and has multiple speeds. But I really should only have to say it’s currently on sale for $12…

Joy Rabbit Vibrator

First of all, I want to shoutout Rodeoh, a line made by and for women with a focus on comfortable harnesses, particularly for queer women. It’s the most LGBTQ+-friendly site I’ve found for sex toys, lingerie, harnesses, dildos, and more. I also have to mention I love that they offer plus-size harnesses too! But onto what you came for: this rabbit vibrator is designed for both clitoral and vaginal stimulation, has 12 speeds, and is quiet and waterproof. Your BFF will love the vibe, but love the brand even better.

Bodystar Vibrator

Another vibrator obsession I found on Nasty Gal, this little star is perfect for the friend who’s just getting into sex toys but is a little afraid to dive into some of the others on this list (but by all means, get her the butt plug too if that’s the kind of friend you are—it’s the kind of friend I am).

Massage Wand Vibrator

A classic wand vibe should be on everyone’s wishlist, so why not surprise your BFF with it? There’s a reason a wand vibe like this is the muse of art, music, comedy, and more: it’s outrageous and extremely effective. For the most intense clitoral orgasms, this will be your favorite.

Tenga Iroha Mini Vibrator

This vibrator lands on this list as an editor-favorite because it’s so discreet. Not that we’re traveling all the much anymore, but you’ll love this to throw in your bag, whether you’re jet-setting across the country or across town to see your partner. But don’t let the small size fool you; it’s ultra-powerful and waterproof.

Beginner’s Butt Plug

Invite your friend into the land of sunshine, rainbows, and anal play with a beginner’s butt plug like this. It’s pink, non-threatening, and easy to use. Add in a little bit of lube (our favorite is below!), and she’s about to have a grand ole time.

Pride Heart of Gold Dildo

Show your BFF the magic of a dildo! Many of us can only picture what a dildo looks like, and it’s usually a little jarring if not uncomfortable for some. But there are non-realistic dildos out there that are perfect to use alone or with a partner.

Nécessaire
The Sex Gel

If you’re a little unsure about giving your BFF a toy, a sophisticated, vanity-friendly lube like this one makes the cut for sure. Nécessaire has taken over our Instagram feeds with their chic body washes and lotions, but my favorite product in their line is this lubricant. It takes the shame and stress out of lube and instead makes it a whole nightstand moment. It’s a water-based lube that works with all of the toys above, during sex, or whatever the heck you’re into. Add it to your next Nordstrom order, and thank me later. More

The first thing you’ll ever hear about sex is that there are tons of positions and that people get themselves into all kinds of weird ones. Remember thinking that sexual Twister was a thing? There are books and articles and lists abound about hundreds of sex positions to try, but I’d be remiss to say that almost everyone I speak to says they stick to a select few with their partner and that’s about it. No shame in your game—if you and your partner are big Doggy Style people (love that for you), stick to it. But if you’re ready to try something new, these are a few intriguing new positions to try all based on your Enneagram type. 

Tabletop
Don’t tell me you aren’t turned on a little bit by the chaos and disorder of the classic “remove everything from the countertop in one fail swoop” movie move. It’s OK to admit chaos kinda gets you excited, one! *WINK* As much as you love order and organization, ones like to get out of their usual when it comes to sex. This tabletop position allows you to try that without throwing all of your important documents on the floor. Make a space on a countertop, desk, table, bed—get creative here, anything that’s the height of your partner’s crotch works—and allow your partner to penetrate or orally stimulate you as you lay on your back. 

Seated Wheelbarrow
Twos probably have some of the best sex lives not going to lie. They’re really thoughtful and caring, so they probably have their partner’s favorite positions and sexual routines down pat. To spice things up a little bit, try this position. The wheelbarrow position often requires a lot of balance and coordination, which I wouldn’t be surprised if many twos out there have! But this one makes it a little more accessible without sacrificing the pleasure. Have your partner sit at the edge of a bed or couch, place your butt on their lap with your legs behind their body, and place your hands on the floor. They’ll probably need to hold onto your thighs to keep you stable, but this position is great for both parties to get active. 

Laying Down
Threes like their sex to be efficient and valuable for both parties. If they’re not getting off, you best believe they’re not interested, which makes this position perfect for them. Lay down on your stomach with your legs together and your hips slightly raised as your partner penetrates on top of you. If you get off from penetration, this one is great because it keeps your legs together so there’s more friction. But this position is amazing for clitoral stimulation because you can easily reach down and touch yourself while your partner penetrates you. It’s basically a two-for-one deal, AKA a threes in heaven.

Doggy-Style Oral Sex
Fours are pretty kinky in the bedroom because they know it’s a time to get out of their head and just have fun. Instead of your usual oral sex though, try this position. Just as you would get into doggy style (on all fours) for penetration, allow your partner to give you oral from the back. For one, it’s a comfortable position, so there’s that. But it also allows your partner to get into places they wouldn’t normally. If they had fingers or toys vaginally, this angle has a much easier time getting to your G-spot. Also, you’re able to touch yourself while your partner uses their mouth. H-O-T. 
This is also a good segue into oral anal sex, which can be a great addition to your oral pleasure repertoire. 

Cowboy
The curiosity of a five makes finding new sex positions pretty easy. They’re not one to turn something down; they’re always intrigued by a new idea. Not to mention, a five will do basically anything for research. So, next time, put Cowboy to the test. While traditional Cowgirl position involves one partner laying down and the other straddling them through penetration, Cowboy is the flip side. The one who is penetrating is on top instead. They straddle you and enter from the top. The G-spot potential is very high, and it really allows your partner to use their fingers to stimulate you at the same time. Is it better than Cowgirl? Try it a couple times for the “data.” 😉 

Knees Together
Sixes can get into a routine easily, but they’re always excited to try something new when it arises. In usual six fashion, they love sex for the relaxation and stress-relief it provides at the end of their day. So why not add a little yoga into it? You know the Happy Baby yoga pose? This is that except part your thighs enough for your partner to have access to all your bits and bobs. They’ll get a glimpse of everything (hot), and you’ll get quite the stretch in. This position is also really great for oral sex too.

Corkscrew
A seven’s sex life is bound to be fun, as they rarely want to indulge in the same position twice. Keep this one in mind next time. The corkscrew involves one person lying down on their side with their back facing the other person while their partner is standing and penetrating them sideways (this is hard to explain, but you see the pretty picture up there). What’s fun for sevens with this position is it allows them to get involved too. Moving your hips slightly or matching your partner’s thrust allows you to up the ante—a job you very much enjoy. 

Reverse Cowgirl on A Chair
What else can I say but that eights have major top energy? They like being able to create the pace, but they’re also not afraid to loosen up the reigns a little bit in the name of some pleasure. 
Instead of the usual Reverse Cowgirl where your partner lies on their back, this one props you both up a little by having your partner sit upright in a chair. You’ll sit backwards and back into them. This puts all the control in your hands (a dream for an eight), so you can decide how fast, how deep, and how hard you want it. To make it a little more fun, have your partner hold your arms as they thrust up and down. A little power reversal never hurt anybody. 

Seated Oral Sex
Nines are people-pleasers, so they’ll often find themselves doing what their partner wants during sex as much as possible. It’s lovely for their partner, but they deserve a little time too! Try a seated position in which you stay seated with your legs spread while your partner comes from below to give oral sex. Imagine you’re sitting on the couch or a chair, and your partner sits on the floor. This allows them access to all of you, so they can try oral, finger, and toy stimulation all at once. 
This can be oral sex, but seated penetration isn’t a bad idea either.  More

When our in-person social lives dwindled (er, absolutely tanked), you’d think our libido would go up ten-fold. There literally is nothing else in the world to do than have sex or masturbate. But don’t fret; if your libido has seriously taken a hit since staying at home, you’re not alone. Many of us are feeling an immense amount of stress right now: work, health, relationships, current events—it’s no wonder we’re not excited to have sex! “During this time many people are affected by the quarantine in different ways,” said Board Certified Sex Therapist, Ieshai T. Bailey, CMHC, LMHC, CST. “Depending on the situation, stress levels are at an all time high. And stress isn’t sexy! Stress, specifically chronic stress, can have a significant impact on our sex lives. Chronic stress causes us to produce the hormone cortisol which in turn lowers our libido.” 
So, how exactly do we slough off that stress and get busy? If you’re wondering how to boost your sex life right now, getting your libido back to where it was is the start, and it doesn’t have to be weird or awkward. Here, we’re discussing easy ways to get in the mood and get back to amazing sex right away.

Find healthy ways to cope with stress
“Getting back sexually after the pandemic can start with lowering our stress levels and finding other ways to cope,” Bailey said. Obviously, getting our stress levels down is a goal for any of us right now. But, as Bailey points out, it might be one of the most important things we do for our sex lives this year. “Our sex lives are not only affected by hormones, but other factors as well, such as psychological and social factors. Getting back to being close and intimate with others, and taking care of our mental health and physical well-being can be helpful.”
So, how do we start? Well, for starters, stress-reducing behaviors are pretty personal, so if you know what works for you (taking a bath, reading a book, having a dance party in the kitchen, going for a run, etc.), do that. But there are some other ways you have both reduce stress and purposefully get your mind in the gutter for once. 

Get some sleep
If you’re not well-rested, you’re likely not going to be too excited to ruffle around in the covers. But how the heck do we get more sleep right now? Likely, this tip has to be performed in tandem with another way to relax so that you can sleep. Our editors love CBD (especially CBD baths!), staying off technology before bed, and exercising in the evening.

Talk about sex 
Although it might seem awkward, the simple act of talking about sex with your friends and partners can get your head in the right space. Think about what makes sex fun and why you enjoy it; then, ask yourself what you want to have in your sex life.

Build intimacy
If you’re with a partner, do things that build intimacy without having sex. Communicate with each other beyond “how was work today?” when you sit down for dinner. Do activities that you enjoy together. Be vulnerable with each other. Appeal to each other’s Love Language. Do what you can to inspire intimacy and thoughtfulness between each other that don’t involve sex. This will might ultimately encourage the two of you to seek intimacy in other ways, *wink wink*. 

Talk to your partner about your libido
If you’re finding that your partner’s libido is higher than yours at the moment, talk about it. Having a libido that’s lower than your partner happens often, and it’s not the end of a relationship. Talk about what’s going on with you and why you’re feeling the way you do. Can’t put your finger on the issue? That’s OK! Getting it out and telling your partner that you’re feeling a certain way is the perfect start.

Get touchy 
Although you might not be ready to go full-blast into having sex, simply being touchy with your partner might inspire it later on. Touch their arm while you’re watching TV, or play with their hair. This also goes beyond having a partner. If you’re trying to boost your libido on your own, the act of getting comfortable with your body once again might do it. Don’t be afraid to touch yourself in the shower and enjoy it! Get naked even when you’re just sitting around. Being comfortable with yourself is an important part of boosting your libido, as your sex drive can plummet when you feel insecure or uncomfortable with yourself. 

Engage in mutual masturbation
Sometimes, it can feel uncomfortable to have sex, but you feel OK masturbating on your own. If you have a partner, ask if they would be interested in mutual masturbation, or masturbating together. For one, it’s hot AF. But it’s also another way to build that magical intimacy between the two of you. Inspire that intimacy even further by getting sexual in a way that doesn’t seem uncomfortable or “too much” for you right now. 

Exercise
Not only does regular exercise reduce stress and relax the body, but it’s also a great way to feel confident and strong. Don’t tell me that you don’t feel at least a little sexy after completing a hard workout? Yes, you’re sweaty and maybe more than a little flushed, but maybe your arms look more defined than last week, or you lifted a heavier weight and feel stronger than ever. Being comfortable with yourself and your body is a great starting point to feeling better in the bedroom. Bailey recommended exercise as a way to reduce stress and get your libido back, so it’s totally sex therapist-approved. 
If you want to exercise with your partner, have at it! Exercise alone is libido-boosting, but together, it’s like a whole form of foreplay. 

Do things that make you feel sexy
Again, we’re all about making you feel hot and confident in the bedroom. Before you want to have sex with your partner or yourself, do those little things that make you feel like a million bucks. Take a bath with one of your expensive bath bombs, get in lingerie, walk around naked, dry brush—these are just a few examples of easy ways to get yourself in the zone. 

Read (or listen to!) erotica
Erotica doesn’t have to be a book called something like “The Huntress’ Maiden” with an absolutely jarring image of two barely clothed individuals. Read these steamy romance novels that actually have a whole plot and storyline you’ll love, plus lots and lots of absolutely hot sex. We also love Dipsea, an app for audio erotica that will absolutely blow your socks off.  More