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    5 Green Flags You Have Healthy Boundaries

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    For years, I thought I had healthy boundaries. I’ve always been pretty good at saying no, so I figured I had it all down (because I genuinely thought that’s all a boundary was). But recently, I started to notice a pattern of irritability throughout my day, and I realized I was spending so much time cleaning up everyone else’s messes that I didn’t have time for my own. It turns out, I wasn’t setting clear boundaries at all! And how could I, when I didn’t even have clarity around the strategies that would meet my needs for support? It got me thinking: how many of us are actually tuned into our boundaries? How many of us know what it feels like when our boundaries are set and working properly? So I decided to reach out to Elisabeth T. Lilja, a licensed therapist based in Salt Lake City who specializes in trauma, to shed some light on what healthy boundaries look like and how to know if you have them in place.

    Meet the expert
    Elisabeth T. Lilja, LCSW MSW RYT
    LICENSED THERAPIST, and MASTERS OF SOCIAL WORK
    Lilja is a therapist and private practice owner of Salt City Therapy based in Salt Lake City, Utah. She specializes in trauma and helping people strengthen their relationship with their body and self-trust.

    What is a healthy boundary, anyway?
    Boundaries are more than just saying “no” to the things that don’t serve you (although that is a healthy component as you’ll read about soon). Lilja defined boundaries as “the needs, limits, and rules we set for ourselves.” That means you understand where your limits are, but you also understand what your needs are—and you’re able to create strategies (rules) to meet them. “Healthy boundaries within relationships are often informed by a healthy boundary relationship with ourselves,” Lilja said. “In relationships, we may look at healthy boundaries as created with connection over protection in mind.”
    Lilja reminded me that there will be times when protective boundaries in relationships are necessary, but a signal that your boundaries are serving you both is when they help build a sense of connection with one another. You are both clear on what you need, you know each other’s limits, and you respect each other’s rules.
    So now that we have a working definition of a healthy boundary down, let’s dive into the signs that you—and those you have a relationship with—are, in fact, working those boundaries the right way.
     
    Green Flags You Have Healthy Boundaries

    1. Your “no” is respected
    When you’re clear on what’s a “no” for you and you respect and support that “no,” that’s a healthy boundary you’ve created for yourself. And when the people in your life respect it too, that’s a healthy relationship boundary. Keep in mind, “respect” doesn’t necessarily mean no questions asked. The people in your life may still ask for clarification around your “no.” “What this means is we aren’t pushed, bullied, or manipulated into a ‘yes,’” Lilja clarified.
    When someone else has opinions surrounding your “no,” (which can often happen) it doesn’t necessarily mean they don’t respect it. “How these feelings are communicated and responded to can indicate the health of our relationships,” Lilja explained. If you are able to hold space for someone else’s feelings about your “no” while still feeling grounded in clarity around your “no,” that’s a major green flag that your boundaries are in the healthy zone.

    2. You engage in conflict with curiosity
    You’re showcasing healthy boundaries when you “are able to be in respectful, healthy conflict that doesn’t move into name-calling, abuse, manipulation, or harmful actions like stonewalling,” Lilja said. And one way to avoid participating in those behaviors is by engaging in curiosity. “Curiosity is a way we can establish healthy relating,” Lilja explained. When you’re curious about the other person’s experience, you’re less likely to make assumptions about their experience that would lead to blaming or shaming. 
    Some questions Lilja offered to check in with yourself about whether or not you’re engaging with curiosity were: “Am I inviting room for clarification over conclusions, assumptions, and defensiveness? Am I asking questions to seek clarification? Am I aware and able to communicate in a respectful way what I am feeling or experiencing and may need?” When you engage with curiosity, it gives you space to feel confident about your own boundaries while respecting the boundaries of another.

    3. You can express your needs and boundaries clearly
    “Needs, or boundary expression, indicates that we are able to advocate for ourselves, that we value our worth and getting [our] needs met in a relational space,” Lilja said. In other words, you know your boundaries are in a healthy zone when you feel safe expressing what you need. When you’re grounded in what you need because you know it’s what’s best for you, it’s a lot easier to feel confident in the ask, even when it can’t be met in the moment.
    “Again, this doesn’t mean that understanding and clarification can’t be wanted around the need or boundary expressed, or that the boundary or need will always be able to be met,” Lilja stated. “Rather, there is space for you to have and express your boundaries. And for persons you are in a relationship with to have the same.”

    4. Repair is important to you
    Even in the most well-meaning relationships, boundaries get crossed. “Ruptures happen in relationships—yes, even healthy ones,” Lilja said. When you prioritize repair after one of those ruptures, you’re setting yourself up for healthy boundaries in the future. Think of it as healthy boundary maintenance.
    According to Lilja, repair looks like learning how to extend an apology (this isn’t just saying the words, “I’m sorry”), taking accountability for how you might have harmed someone, and acknowledging what you will try to do differently in the future. “Repair is a critical part of a secure relationship and healthy relating,” she said. “It’s a good sign if you and someone else can seek repair in a relationship.”

    5. You’re consistent in your follow-through
    Something that’s always stuck with me is the concept that healing requires time and evidence. When you receive consistent proof that something is serving you over a period of time, you begin to believe in it. You start to feel safer in your experience. In the context of boundaries, Lilja noted that consistency is when we do what we say we are going to do. And if something needs to shift, we communicate.
    Having the experience of predictable follow-through builds and maintains a sense of trust that our boundaries will be consistently respected. “While it may not seem like it, follow-through is us upholding a boundary with ourselves,” she said. “Practicing boundaries with ourselves can lead to establishing, upholding, and maintaining boundaries with others.”

    Expert Tips To Help Strengthen Your Boundary Skills

    1. Notice when you are saying “yes” when you mean “no” 
    “Part of learning to find our ‘no’ is understanding why we might be saying ‘yes’ to something we want to say no to,” Lilja said. Getting to the bottom of what’s stopping you can help you shift out of this pattern. “A practice for this is to notice what belief may be coming up for you when you aren’t honoring a ‘no.’” For example, ask yourself what would happen if you said no. Are you worried the other person would feel let down, disappointed in you, hurt, or like you less? Maybe you feel unworthy to set that boundary?
    Then ask yourself if the outcome you anticipate is the outcome that would actually happen IRL. “While [your] feeling or belief is real, is it true?” Lilja asked. “Are there times you have said no and what you fear might not have happened? It can be scary to gather different information, and this is something the body needs to start to make changes.”

    2. Learn how to apologize and repair
    Having healthy boundaries is not just about setting our own boundaries, but respecting the boundaries of the other person. And a key piece of respecting others’ boundaries is apologizing when we (inevitably) cross a boundary. “This can be incredibly challenging for many reasons,” Lilja empathized. “Repairing is also something that can get easier with practice.” Also, apologizing is always important, even if you didn’t have bad intentions or didn’t mean to hurt someone. An apology invites empathy, or acknowledgment that the other person’s experience is real. 
    If you’re curious what an actual apology looks like, Lilja offered phrases you can use below, which she calls the anatomy of an apology. Each one is important when you’re genuinely apologizing and attempting to repair.

    I am sorry for…: The “for” is important here. Name what you are repairing or apologizing for. Think of this as the why. Why are you apologizing? This is how you take accountability for your actions.
    I could have done things differently by… or Moving forward I will…: This shows that you not only understand what you’re apologizing for, but you know how to change your actions moving forward. This is critical for repairing the relationship in the future.
    How are you feeling? or What do you need to feel better about this?: Checking in allows the other person the space to communicate with you what they need, and what you both can do to truly repair.

    3. Practice follow-through
    Following through with your boundaries is as simple as sticking to your promises. Do what you say you are going to do, and communicate when something needs to change. When you show up consistently for yourself, you build trust and a better understanding of which commitments are and are not serving you. Lilja suggested starting small, like making one promise to yourself that you can follow through with on a daily basis. This might look like a morning or nightly ritual (think: journaling or meditating) or setting a time to finish something on your to-do list. Notice how you feel when it’s time to follow through with something, and how it feels to actually do it. “Keeping track of your follow-through can be helpful,” Lilja said. “If you don’t follow through on what you have selected, what happened? What is this telling you? Are you noticing a pattern?” All of this information can help guide you to shift your habits toward more consistent follow-through.

    4. Seek therapy
    If you’re looking for extra support as you flex these skills, therapy is an excellent way to practice with a third party. “Therapy can be a wonderful way to learn how to strengthen boundaries with ourselves and others—creating the space to be curious about what we learned about being in a relationship with ourselves and others,” Lilja confirmed. It can also be a safe place for you and a partner to practice engaging in healthy boundaries with each other to ensure you’re setting up a framework that will support you for years to come.

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      Yes, You Can *Actually* Manifest a Better Love Life–Here’s How

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      Growing up, most of us learned about dating, sex, and relationships from an issue of Cosmopolitan or an episode of Sex and The City, not by knowing how to manifest. But a few years ago I was introduced to manifestation and it quite literally changed my life (which, by definition, is the whole point of manifesting). As more and more people started to swear by the Law of Attraction for increasing their wealth, popularity, or happiness, it only made sense that it would be used to improve love lives too. 
      After all, some of the biggest questions throughout human history are matters of the heart (“They love me; they love me not”), and everything from Shakespeare’s sonnets to Nancy Meyers’ rom-coms tries to explain the secret to a happy relationship. So could manifestation really be the answer to kicking ass on dates and dating apps, improving your relationship, or overall feeling more satisfied in your relationship status? I asked Dana Lord Lewis, a manifestation expert and founder of Energy Think, for all her tips and tricks on how (and why!) manifestation can transform your love life. Take a break from swiping and read on to achieve a fulfilling love life in 2023.

      Meet the expert
      Dana Lord Lewis
      Energetics Expert and Founder of Energy Think
      Dana Lord Lewis is a thought leader in the realm of manifestation and the founder of Energy Think, a science-based modality that coaches individuals to achieve their dream lives.

      What is “manifesting” and how does it work?
      Manifestation is all the buzz across TikTok and The New York Times Best Seller list, but the concept of the Law of Attraction is nothing new, rooted in ideas that come from various philosophical and religious traditions. The idea of manifesting has been covered in dozens of self-help books and discussed by thought leaders around the world, from Oprah to Deepak Chopra to Iyanla Vanzant. The concept is essentially creating reality or bringing something tangible into your life based on attraction and belief. For example, if you think it, believe it, and then act on it, it will come (the key words being “belief” and “action,” since hoping for something alone isn’t enough). But that’s not all. 
      “When people talk about manifestation, it typically has to do with bringing something intentional to fruition,” Lewis explained. “But manifestation also comes from potentials of the unconscious mind. Many people do not realize that they have, on an unconscious level, called it in.” In other words, manifestation does not only come into play when you want a dream promotion, relationship, or house; whether consciously or unconsciously, our thoughts, worries, and beliefs can become our reality too. 

      How can manifestation affect your dating life?
      Since we are constantly manifesting thoughts into existence (whether consciously or unconsciously), it can affect every area of your life—including your love life. Lewis said that she often sees the negative effects of unconscious manifestation in relationships because of worry and fear. “A lot of limiting beliefs play themselves out in the dating world. Our insecurities are triggered, and therefore, we feel fearful and we take action that comes from that fear.” Maybe this looks like sending a text out of insecurity or not sending a text to protect your vulnerability. Maybe this means you tend to date multiple people at the same time because it feels scary to get serious, or maybe this means you always need a serious partner because it makes you feel safe.
      All of our insecurities look different in our dating lives and relationships, but they can be holding us back from a happy love life. “What you do with your energy when you are emotionally challenged is the most important thing to ensure you aren’t sabotaging a love life you may want,” Lewis suggested. But just like we want to get out of certain thought patterns and behaviors to avoid the love lives we don’t want, we can also manifest what we do want.

      3 steps to manifest a better love life:
      1. Develop self-awareness
      The Laws of Attraction are not about stating what you want and expecting to get it like a spoiled kid in a toy store. Instead, the Laws of Attraction state that the way you behave or feel about yourself attracts certain energies to you. When it comes to dating, that means the energy you’re giving out is what you will attract in dates or a partner. “How you treat yourself internally is going to be projected out onto others,” Lewis explained. “This means what you put out, you will get back, perhaps in a different form but with the same character.” So the first important step is to know what you are attracting by developing more self-awareness. What do you do when you feel under pressure? How do you handle insecurities? Why do you want (or not want) a relationship?

      2. Shift out of energy habits that don’t serve your goals
      Once you’re aware of the energy you’re giving off and what you truly want, you can make adjustments to get what you want. For example, if you’re looking for a healthy, lasting relationship but have rooted insecurities that cause you to be jealous or controlling, you may unconsciously attract partners who will give you reason to be jealous or controlling. Work on your own insecurities and prioritize self-love, and you’ll begin attracting partners who will love you like you love you.

      3. Take ownership of your life
      Lewis said the most powerful step is the last one, which she calls “Radical Self Ownership.” You must truly believe and realize that your life is in your control. Life doesn’t happen to you; it happens by you. “The third step is where you realize that you are the creator of your reality, both its pleasure and its pain,” she explained. “When this power is recognized and embraced, everything changes—especially the way you relate to those closest to you. Ultimately, the more you can learn about yourself and accept yourself, the more you will experience love with others.”

      How to improve your love life if…
      You’re single…
      If you’re feeling exhausted or stressed out about the dating apps, online profiles, and planning IRL meet-ups, don’t push through in hopes you’ll achieve the love life of your dreams (because you won’t!). PSA: Dating does not have to be tiring and should be enjoyable if you’re going to manifest a better love life. “Dating feels tiring when there is fear experienced around it because fear is immensely draining,” Lewis explained. “When you take away fear, dating is a source of energy.” In other words, dating should be fun. If it’s not, you might be dating out of fear of being alone or feel too much fear of rejection in order to actually enjoy the process (more on that below). 
      Instead of dating from a place of fear, date from a place of enjoyment. “There are so many benefits to this phase of life,” Lewis said. “If you are single, it is a gift. If you’re single and want to be in a relationship, singlehood is a gift that won’t last forever.” Lewis recommended spending time getting to know yourself better and to try something different to “shake up your current understanding of the world.” Also, remember that all situations exist to benefit you—and yes, that means even single phases, bad first dates, or hurtful ghosting. “Take this opportunity to go beyond the desire for a relationship, and connect to the part of you that feeds this idea that being ‘alone’ is negative.”

      You’re in a relationship…
      So you’re in a relationship but looking to kick it up a notch? Maybe you’ve been together forever and it’s feeling a little complacent, or you’ve recently coupled up but your communication is off. There’s a lot you can do to manifest a better love life too, and—no surprise—it also starts with getting to know yourself better. Lewis recommended getting to know how you like to cycle energy, which can cause patterns in relationships. For example, if you’re a very giving person, you may fall into a pattern of putting others first and yourself last, or if you’re a perfectionist and self-critical, you may be overly critical of your partner or relationship as well. Also, if you have the mentality that your relationship is holding you back from other dreams (like moving across the country, having kids, or getting your dream job), it can lead to disconnect and resentment.
      Lewis explained that (as long as there are no toxic behaviors) the areas where your relationship needs improvement is a reflection of your own energetic state and the way you see yourself. If you give too much to your partner, work on giving more to yourself (instead of expecting them to give more to you). If you’re critical of your relationship, work on being kinder to yourself, and the way you talk about your partner or relationship will follow. “There are so many things you can do to make yourself more in alignment, which will bring happiness and improve all relationships,” Lewis said.  But beware: Since the work is coming from working on yourself, it can be tempting to think that you’re “doing all the work” and fault your partner for not doing the same. Lewis claimed the best advice she has for couples is to not have expectations of your partner to better the relationship to the same degree that you do. In other words, don’t keep score, which can manifest a relationship you don’t want. “To depend on someone else for your better life (even in a relationship) is a losing battle and puts dependency on them for your happiness,” Lewis explained. “To be truly happy in your relationship, the utmost priority should be your own alignment, independent of all others.”

      You’re worried about rejection…
      And now for the majority of us: the ones who avoid going on dates because we’re worried we won’t be liked, or the ones who put too much pressure on our relationships because we don’t feel secure. When you’re worried about rejection, you are literally manifesting a negative love life. Instead, shift your perspective to believe that rejection is not real (no, really). “When we experience the feelings of rejection, we are experiencing it because we have rejected ourselves,” Lewis explained. In other words, everything you know about your relationships to other people is from your own perception. Therefore, you can shift your perception of a bad date, break up, fight with your partner, or Tinder match who never responded to not include rejection at all. 
      All it takes to make this shift is a few key changes. Lewis recommended spending more time on the people and things that fill you with joy. For example, maybe limit the happy hours with the coworkers who complain about their relationships or gossip about the office and spend more time with the friend who’s really into yoga (and is good at motivating you too) or your sister who is so passionate about her non-profit. Beyond the people you spend time with, spend more time on your own fostering your interests, taking care of your body, and making the effort to heal wounds by going to therapy or gratitude journaling. We only experience fear of rejection when we believe our worth is tied to whether we fit the bill of what another person thinks of us, so work on your own worth. “When you live in alignment and are nourishing yourself, it genuinely won’t matter to you if people vibe with that or not,” Lewis agreed. 

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      15 Resolutions To Make for a Better Relationship in 2023

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      I see all you goal-getters out there—you’re setting goals for your career and your finances and you’re journaling affirmations for your mental and physical health. I’m proud of you! So why not set intentions for your love life while you’re at it? A fresh year is a perfect opportunity to think about what you and your partner want the next 12 months of your relationship to look like.
      So whether you want to talk through relationship resolutions together or make individual goals to be a more mindful partner, we are sharing 15 ideas that can help you kick off a whole new year of #relationshipgoals.
      Important note: We have these resolutions broken down into categories (based on how long you’ve been with your partner), but know that all of these resolutions can be helpful to implement at any point in your relationship!

      If you only recently started dating…

      Make your partner laugh more
      We try to be funny and impress on first dates, but after a few dates (when the first date jitters are gone and you’re not as worried about being “fun and cool”), we put less effort into impressing our significant other. However, laughing together makes you feel closer and makes any time you spend together more enjoyable. So this year, instead of always telling your funniest jokes to your coworkers around the water cooler, save some for your partner.

      Build common goals to achieve together
      While you’re busy making your own New Year’s resolutions (better budgeting and eating more greens, here we come!), make sure you clue your partner into what you want out of this year and learn what they want as well. Build common goals together, whether it’s financial (grow your savings) or wellness (put away screens an hour before bed). Making goals for your life together or sharing your personal goals will feel like you’re on a team, and you’ll both feel more supported.

      Try something new
      Whether it’s taking a class, going to a new restaurant, or experimenting in the bedroom, experiencing firsts together sets a great foundation for a relationship and can help keep dates fresh and exciting from the very beginning. But keep in mind that it’s important to try new things solo too. Taking up a new hobby, planning a solo trip, or learning a new skill can give you a chance to focus on yourself and to ensure that you have activities that you enjoy outside of your relationship. If you and your partner both have your own interests that you are genuinely passionate about, you will always have something new to talk about.

      If you’ve been together for a while…

      Be more physically affectionate (in unexpected ways)
      Those of you in LTRs probably can relate to the struggle—after a long time together and through the busyness of life, hand-holding, kissing, and intimacy becomes restricted to routine. Kisses when you say goodbye, hand holding occasionally, and sex is restricted to post-bedtime (and maybe even only specific nights of the week). Bring out the innocent days of your relationship’s youth and make out like a teenager during a random time in the day, hold hands or snuggle when you watch TV on the couch, and give your partner random hugs throughout the day. Physical intimacy immediately corresponds to emotional intimacy, so making the physical a priority (and switching up the routine) will make you feel emotionally closer.

      Change your argument language
      The way you speak has a huge impact on everything from the closeness in your relationship to the way the two of you communicate. When you’re articulating something you’re mad about, always use “I feel” instead of “You did.” Focus on why you felt hurt, instead of what they did to make you feel that way. Say, “I feel like you don’t appreciate all that I do because I worked hard on a dinner that you came home late for,” instead of “You messed up because you’re late.”
      Say “I understand” when making a point, and acknowledge their defense instead of ignoring it or feeling put off (i.e.”I understand you’re under a lot of stress at work, and I’m proud of you for all the extra effort you put in. But sometimes, it makes me feel like I’m on the back burner”). Always remember that the fight should be the two of you against the problem, not the two of you against each other. The goal should be how to avoid the problem in the future, not who was right about the problem in the past.

      Show love with your partner’s love language
      By now, I’m sure you’ve realized that your partner doesn’t exactly feel love the way you show it and might not give love the way you feel it. We call this “love language,” and it is arguably the single most important quality in happy relationships. If you haven’t yet, take the quiz with your significant other to find out if your love languages are acts of service, words of affirmation, quality time, gifts, or physical touch. Then, identify the ways in which you can act in your partner’s love language on a regular basis, and live more consciously with their love language in mind.

      If you live together…

      Have tech-free time together
      Even if you and your partner are spending plenty of time together, you might be surprised to find how little of it you actually spend truly focused on each other. The prime culprit for these distractions? Our phones. In fact, most of us check our phones 96 times a day, leaving little time to give our loved ones our undivided attention.
      Make an agreement with your partner to put your phones away for at least some of the time that you spend together. Without the distraction of group messages or the temptation to scroll through social media, you will have more time to truly listen to and engage with each other.

      Make sex a priority
      Although you and your partner might have been tearing each other’s clothes off when you first got together, sex tends to become less of a priority as your relationship lengthens—especially when you live together. For many of us, the realities of life get in the way of having the kind of long and loud sex sessions that are the mainstay of many early relationships. But sex can be one of the most important and intimate parts of a relationship and should be treated as such.

      Plan a trip
      If you can make it work in the new year, scheduling a trip could be a game-changer for your relationship. Getting out of your day-to-day routine and spending an extended amount of quality time will make you feel more connected than ever. If an overnight trip isn’t an option for budget, time, or otherwise, try a day trip to a nearby beach, theme park, or landmark. The idea is to spend time together that doesn’t consist of unloading the dishwasher, making a grocery list, or sitting on the couch.

      If you’re engaged…

      Acknowledge the things you appreciate about each other
      Especially when you’re overwhelmed with wedding planning, it can be easy to take your partner for granted. But research from the Gottman Institute and Love Lab at the University of Washington found that one of the best markers of a long-lasting relationship is how often one partner acknowledges when the other does something positive, according to The Atlantic. This theory of the “culture of appreciation” suggests that if you regularly express gratitude, affection, and respect for your partner, you create a positive perspective within your relationship that prevents feelings of contempt from arising later on. It suggests that the perfect formula for a healthy relationship relies on couples having five positive interactions for every negative interaction.
      Although you don’t need to be keeping score, try to be mindful of the kinds of comments that you and your partner exchange. Are they negative as much or more often as they are positive? And how often do you praise or express your appreciation for your partner? Trying to reframe these interactions will help to ensure that you both feel loved and respected and strengthen your relationship.

      Talk about the future
      It’s important to know that you and your partner are heading in the right direction, and talking about the future can be a good way to do this. Where do you see yourself in 10 years’ time? How would you like your relationship to develop now and once you’re married? What exciting plans can you make over the next year? Talking about the future not only ensures that you want the same things, a crucial factor in the success of any relationship, but can also ignite your excitement about what lies ahead for you both.

      Plan more dates
      If this one seems like it’s too hard of a goal to set with your busy schedules and with the craziness of wedding planning, you probably just need to reevaluate your definition of “date.” A date should be any time the two of you get quality time alone, whether it’s dinner and a movie or a walk to your local coffee shop in the morning. For the record, it does not mean watching TV before falling asleep or eating dinner while you’re on your phones. Schedule a date and take it seriously—even if you’re tired or short on money, commit to making quality time a priority. This could mean sitting down to a homemade dinner or going on a picnic in the park. Aim for a specific number (once every week or two), and schedule it into your calendars so it can’t be pushed back or forgotten.

      If you’re married…

      Consider therapy
      Even if you don’t have any serious “problems,” an outside, unbiased professional can help you better communicate with each other. This not only avoids more serious problems in the future but will make your communication GREAT instead of just “fine.” However, if you have been struggling with some long-term fights or bigger problems that you’re having trouble solving on your own, a relationship psychologist is the perfect resource to help you work through issues and get your relationship back to a more loving, trusting, or happy place.

      Say “I love you” more
      When do you say “I love you” in your relationships? When you’re hanging up the phone? When you’re going to bed? It’s the same as physical touch—when it becomes routine, it loses some of its special meaning. You could never say “I love you” too much, but it is possible to not say it enough. Make sure to voice it at unexpected times like after they make you dinner, while giving them a hug, or just sending a random text in the day at when they’re at work. Say “I love you” more than you talk about household chores, to-do lists, or fights.

      Forgive and forget
      Anyone in a relationship has been through the cycle—one person does something that bothers the other, there’s a miscommunication, the fight escalates, someone apologizes, and the fight (hopefully) ends. We all also know the feeling of forgiving because you just want the fight to be over or because you don’t know what else to do, but not totally getting over it. We see this in the next fight, when we can’t help but resort to bringing up our partner’s mistakes that caused the last incident. If you’re forgiving your partner, that means you should “forget” it. It means that you’ve worked through it, you’ve seen their perspective, and feel they have seen yours. Your relationship will be better because you understand each other better, so don’t forgive until you feel that way, and don’t bring up past fights or mistakes in new arguments—if you’ve actually forgiven, that means the past issues are understood miscommunications, not problems that need more working through.

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      7 Tips for Having Meaningful Conversations That Go Beyond “How Are You?”

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      Every conversation is an opportunity to cultivate real, human connections—whether that’s by nurturing existing relationships or creating new ones—and having meaningful conversations can help us process and learn from our individual experiences, together.  
      But still, it can be hard to go beyond the standard, “How are you?” Often, “How are you?” can feel like an overwhelming question. So, we say, “Good!” or “Hanging in there,” because how we’re really doing either feels like too much to unpack or too heavy to share with someone else.
      It can be even harder when the person we’re talking to has differing opinions on the social and political issues happening around us. Often we find ourselves talking at each other, against each other, or over each other, and not with each other. In these moments, we miss the chance to learn from people who challenge our assumptions; conversations that encourage us to reflect on our existing perceptions, create new ideas, and progress mentally. So, why do we have such a hard time having conversations that make us feel more connected, fulfilled, and ultimately, happier?
      It’s helpful to think of conversations as a microcosm of a relationship. There needs to be a give and take in the sense that both parties are teaching and learning, talking, and listening. And like a relationship, a good conversation creates an environment where both people feel respected and safe to voice their thoughts. This trust establishes a strong foundation for the conversation to build around. The good news is that most people want to connect on a deeper level. Here are a few tips to help you do just that.

      1. Start with curiosity
      Whether it’s with your friends, family, Bumble date, or Uber driver, every conversation is an invitation to learn something. Curiosity keeps us engaged in the conversation. Not only that, but we learn faster and remember more when we actually want to learn it. It’s pretty likely that the person you’re talking to knows something you don’t, whether it’s about an experience you’re having, a place you’ve always wanted to visit, or something they saw on the news. So if you don’t know something, ask. If someone mentions something you want to learn more about, ask. If someone has a different opinion than yours, ask questions to help you find out why. Curiosity pushes the conversation beyond surface-level small talk and helps us feel closer to the person with whom we’re speaking.

      2. Avoid self-fulfilling questions 
      We tend to ask questions that push our own expectations and bias onto others. When we ask, “Did that make you mad?” or “Were you happy?” we will likely get a “yes” or “no” answer. Instead, asking, “How did that make you feel?” invites the other person to steer the conversation without judgment and to answer without fear of criticism. 
      Wording questions more open-endedly also encourages the other person to process what they are experiencing and how they are feeling on a deeper level. You can expect to get more complex, surprising, and illuminating answers this way, which helps you better understand and can help the conversation go deeper than a “yes” or a “no.”

      3. Let go
      Not every thought that drifts into your head needs a mic. Sometimes, it’s better to let thoughts pass without saying them out loud. Don’t stop listening to or interrupt the other person because you want to make sure you don’t forget to share a clever comment or story. Make sure to let the other person fully finish speaking—and if what you wanted to say is no longer relevant or doesn’t contribute to pushing the conversation further, then let it go. 

      4. Practice empathy
      Empathy is the capacity to set aside your own biases and to understand someone else’s feelings based on that person’s own unique experiences, perspective, and frame of mind. In order to empathize, it’s important to acknowledge that we are all biased and that actively working to keep it in check is a lifelong commitment. When listening with empathy, you’re making an active decision to understand someone else’s opinions and values without criticism. This doesn’t mean you have to agree with what they are saying, but you are respecting their right to voice it and be heard.

      5. Remember: Their struggles are not your own
      If someone is talking about struggling with work, family, a relationship, or anything else, don’t use it as an opportunity to talk about that ex you broke up with five years ago. While it may seem like you are comforting someone by sharing your own semi-related story, this can make people feel overlooked and like you have made their struggle about you. Your experience is not the same—it is not about you. 
      If you have a habit of jumping in with your own story, next time, make a conscious effort to stay quiet until the other person is done talking, and take this time to truly listen. If at this point you still feel like you can shed some insight on their experience, let them know that you went through something similar and leave it up to them to decide if they want to hear your story.

      6. Be honest
      Speaking your own truth can be hard to do when the other person has differing values and opinions. However, being able to express your authentic opinions and, in turn, have them challenged is where a lot of the learning and growth happens in a deeper conversation. To speak candidly and respectfully, here are some things to keep in mind:

      Letting people know that you hear and understand their viewpoints helps assure them that you are coming from a place of honesty and respect.
      Don’t step onto a soapbox. Speak to people directly and not at them. A good conversation begins and ends on the same level. One opinion is not superior to the other, and the goal is to both grow and learn together. 
      Speak calmly and with purpose. Ask yourself what you are trying to say and what the best way to convey it might be. If you need to take a moment to think about this, pause. Silence during a conversation offers the space to reflect on what’s been said and taking the time to be authentic benefits everyone in the conversation. People want to know the real you so that they can show you their real self as well. 

      7. Be present
      It’s easy to let our minds wander during a conversation, whether it’s thinking about the million things on your to-do list or that snarky email your boss sent. Yet, if your mind is elsewhere, you won’t fully pay attention to the conversation. Remember that the other person’s time is just as valuable as yours, so give them your undivided attention. This means more than just tucking your phone away and keeping eye contact. To really listen is a practice in mindfulness:

      Don’t worry about what you’re going to say next. If you’re waiting for the other person to stop talking so you can say what you’re thinking, you aren’t paying attention. Instead, focus on what they are trying to communicate to you and where they are coming from.
      React less and reflect more. It’s natural to have knee-jerk reactions to things people say. However, in order to fully understand what someone is saying, we need to give them the floor to explain—and sometimes figure out—their thoughts. So before you jump to a conclusion, reflect on why and how that person came to form their values and opinions. And if you don’t know, ask questions to help you understand.

      Conversations have the power to remind us that we are seen, heard, and valued. The way we listen and talk to one another can impact how we move forward as both individuals and a community. And when we are present and show up for each other, conversations will be what bring us together.

      How to Maintain a Friendship When You’re in Different Life Stages More

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      What To Do When You Start Catching Feelings In A Situationship (Oh, oh)

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      “Yes to lots of safe sex, definitely no sleepovers, no calling each other on our birthdays, no unnecessary check-ins unless it’s to set up a booty call and most importantly, no acting up when you see me with someone else.” So go the rules of many situationships, often declared at the very beginning to prevent either party from falling in love with the other.
      If you’ve been living under a rock (for some reason), a situationship is a half-baked ‘relationship’ that is neither official or unconfirmed. Most importantly, it’s meant to be uncomplicated. But when have feelings ever respected boundaries?
      Sex with no strings attached can be fun, but can also get complicated really fast. If you happen to wake up pining for your f*** buddy (not in that lust, but the ‘I just want to hear your voice sense’) it could mean that your feelings have gone and crossed the boundary line — without first consulting you nodal! First and foremost, don’t beat yourself up for developing feelings: Women are biologically wired to feel attached to their sexual partners, so it’s not only common, it’s natural.
      Women release oxytocin, a bonding hormone, when they have sex (and particularly when they orgasm), so in many cases, it’s hard not to feel at least a little attached. And of course, the more you spend any kind of physical time with someone, the more you’re likely to learn about them and get to know them on a more personal level. So, yeah… chances are, if you’re regularly having casual sex with the same person, you’re going to start to feel the feels.
      By now, we’ve all established that relationships are complex AF. WH advisor and therapist Dr Chloe tackles your most confusing issues and burning Qs.
      Makes sense. So I shouldn’t worry that my casual-sex thing doesn’t feel that casual?
      “Let’s not pretend this isn’t an issue — clearly, you’re here for a reason, and my guess is that the reason is you think this person doesn’t have those same feelings for you and you’re not sure how to proceed. Perhaps you went into this thing with a mutual understanding that the sex wouldn’t progress into a relationship and your feelings honestly took you by surprise.
      But it could also be the case that, on some deeper level, you sought out a casual-sex situation because you thought it’d be emotionally safer to stick to an arrangement where they can’t reject you. If you’re not ‘putting yourself out there’ in that vulnerable way, you can’t get hurt, right? I know the thinking.
      READ MORE: The 10 Rules Of Casual Dating Every Woman Should Know
      Here’s the truth, though: If you frequently (if not always) find yourself developing feelings for someone you’re having casual sex with, I urge you to consider if a non-relationship is really what you want. If you think casual sex is a way of guaranteeing you won’t be disappointed by a partner because you’re not even putting the idea of a relationship on the table, you’re actually encouraging self-denial, not self-awareness (which as a maturing adult, isn’t the way to go!).
      It’s kind of like overtraining at the gym and then popping a bunch of painkillers to remove the soreness: You might not feel the pain anymore, but the muscle damage is still there. Similarly, having sex with someone you like but who doesn’t cherish you is painful, whether you act like you care or not (by continuing to sleep with them with no strings attached).
      If that’s you — if you’ve never really been able to separate sex from emotions — casual sex might not be the healthiest thing for you. Try limiting yourself to having sex with people who reciprocate a desire for a relationship and emotional intimacy. Even though there’s no way of guaranteeing that a long-term relationship will come out of it, at least you’re not setting yourself up to be heartbroken and disappointed from the get-go.”
      Uuuhhhmmm, Dr Chloe… but that doesn’t help me now.
      “What to do in your current situation? The answer is simple: Be honest. You have absolutely nothing to gain by keeping your feelings to yourself or pretending that they aren’t there. In most cases, feelings only grow with time, so you’re doing yourself no favours by getting in deeper with someone who doesn’t want what you want.
      So tell them. Yes, I know it’s scary, but it’s worth it for the peace of mind you’ll gain after! Try saying: ‘I thought you should know that I’ve started to like you-like you. I think I need to step back, because when I got into this, I didn’t plan for these feelings.’
      READ MORE: 11 Signs Of An Emotionally Unavailable Partner — And WTH To Do About It
      This approach lets them know how you feel but doesn’t put any pressure on them to reciprocate — which you only want them to do if they truly feel the same way as you do. You don’t want a potential partner to stick around just so they can keep their Nice Guy (or Nice Girl) card, so let them know that you’ve decided to walk away without expressing any negativity toward them. That way, if they come back and tell you they want more, you know it’s because they actually want more.
      Now, if they don’t end up coming around with their own declaration of feelings or desire for a relationship on their own time, know this: You just did yourself a solid. The relationship you’re imagining in your head is with a relationship-oriented person who feels a certain way about you, too. And if that’s not them — they only want casual sex, or they just don’t see you in particular as something more than that — then you can accept the reality and let go. It’s much, much easier to move on from someone who isn’t what you want than someone who is.
      Got it. Is there any way to rein my feelings in in the future?
      Of course! If you do decide to enter into another casual-sex shindig because that’s what you really, truly, deeply want, try the following to minimise the chances of getting in too deep:

      Avoid sharing or learning deep personal stories (about your family, hobbies, childhood, etc.), which forms strong connections.
      Avoid frequent or daily texting — only talk for purposes of meeting up for your rendezvous — because frequency and duration of contact is how humans build trust and grow closer.
      Avoid replaying encounters in your mind, which makes your brain grow fonder of them.

      Space out encounters or keep them to long-distance situations. Seeing someone often (and sleeping with them) pumps out all kinds of chemical hormones that can make you feel “addicted” to them.
      At the end of the day, casual sex without attachment is possible, but it’s tricky. As long as you stay true to yourself and your heart along the way, you’ll be just fine. I promise.
      This article was originally published on www.womenshealthmag.com  More

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      How To Handle Your Crush On A Colleague In A Professional Manner

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      If only life was like the set of the Netflix series The Bold Type. A magazine fashion assistant falls in love with the company’s in-house attorney. After fooling around for months, anxious that they’d get caught, the pair decide to go public with their relationship. Except, Sutton the assistant is worried that she’ll be branded ‘The girl who slept her way to the top’. Both move on, but still wondering what would’ve been had they given their office romance a shot in a normal setting.
      Unfortunately, life is no reenaction of a TV story line. When it comes to shooting your shot in a real-life office setting, telling your colleague you’re ‘feeling them’ and then promptly diving into their mouth tongue-first isn’t the best idea… especially since you’re going to see them every day, whether or not things work out the way you fantasized at your desk.
      Playing it subtly is key when water cooler conversations turn flirtatious, says Dr Jane Greer, a relationship expert and author of What About Me?.
      Here’s how to handle crushing on a colleague:
      1. Check in on company policy.
      Dust off that employee handbook and learn whether or not relationships between employees are even allowed, Greer says.
      “It’s totally fine to have a crush on a coworker, but it’s all about how you handle it,” she explains. Before you offer up your heart and soul, know whether doing so could put your career in jeopardy. If it can, you might want to try some dating apps instead.
      READ MORE: Curving Is The Newest Dating Trend, And It Might Be Even Worse Than Ghosting
      2. If you choose to proceed in secrecy, know the risks.
      “Sometimes you can’t help if you fall in love with somebody,” says Greer. “The problem with that is everybody feels the energy, and people will know.” Resentful colleagues might threaten to expose you, the stress of keeping your relationship under wraps might cause strain, and if a superior finds out, you might get knocked off the promotion track, or worse, get fired.
      So, instead of violating company policy, take stock of your options. If you want to act on your feelings that badly, consider moving to a different department, or switching to another company entirely before betting your job stability on a crush.
      But hey, if love conquers job, Greer says, do you. Just remember, you’ve been warned.
      3. If coworker relationships are allowed, turn up the flirtation—but keep it cool.
      “Show them behaviorally that they’re on your mind,” says Greer. You might ask them what kind of coffee they enjoy and later bring them a cup, strike up brief conversations about upcoming local events, or ask them about their latest work project, so you can establish a rapport.
      Basically, you want to be thoughtful, but super subtle in your flirting—call it micro-flirting, if you will. “You don’t want to engage in anything that is overt or seductive or that can be misinterpreted as sexual harassment,” says Greer. Whatever you say needs to be suitable for the workplace.
      And once your coworker feels comfortable around you, and maybe even initiates conversation, you can move on to the next step.
      READ MORE: 14 Emotional Affair Signs You Need To Be Aware Of
      4. Take it outside.
      While you can (internally) thank your boss for inadvertently playing matchmaker, limit the budding romance to outside office doors. Hopefully, through the thoughtful gestures, Greer says, your crush might warm up to the idea of getting to know you after hours.
      To keep the pressure off, invite them to something casual. Greer suggests asking them to join you for a post-work cup of coffee or drink. “Depending on their response, that gives you an idea of whether they’re even remotely interested in getting to know you better, or not,” she explains.
      5. If they’re into it, go for it.
      While a date with your office crush is super exciting, remember you’re going to be face-to-face with them—at work—in a less than 24 hours. You’ve established your workplace camaraderie, sure, but your romantic chemistry is still up in the air.
      Greer wants you to “let your hair down,” but keep in mind that, unlike a blind date or casual hookup, the two of you are now straddling two environments—work and personal life—that you’ll need to engage in. If things work out according to your fantasies, eventually navigating between the two will feel like second nature since you’ll have established ground rules on how to engage in the office. But for now, tread lightly.
      6. If they’re not, bow out.
      As it turns out, not all crushes are reciprocated (who knew? Jk, I did).
      If your crush doesn’t want to go out for drinks, or if they agree and after aren’t interested in doing it again, don’t push it, says Greer. Doing so would “put you in a potentially vulnerable position and put the other person in an extremely uncomfortable one.” What you might see as trying to “talk it out” might make your crush uneasy and could even motivate them to alert a supervisor about your behaviour.
      Instead, “continue being friendly and demonstrating thoughtfulness, but tone it [waaayy] down,” says Greer. She also recommends giving your crush some space.
      And in that time apart, take care of yourself. “Limit your encounters so that you’re not putting yourself in a position of feeling rejected or disappointed by their lack of interest,” says Greer. Soon enough, your crush will go back to being just another person at your office.
      This article was originally published on www.womenshealthmag.com  More

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      in lifestyle and culture

      A ‘cold, unemotional’ full moon is coming – here’s everything you need to know

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      Lifestyle

      by Team Emirates Woman
      1 minute ago

      Words by Kirstyn Lewis – Founder of the Karmic Soul
      A cold, unemotional Full Moon in Capricorn looks to be having second thoughts about an intimate relationship.
      It points to a decision that needs to be made. It looks like someone got a little too close for comfort. Perhaps the image they wanted to portray in a partnership wasn’t quite right. Someone wants to be recognised as more important than they may in fact be. What a mess. Emotional control is at play.
      If they want to change the game plan, let them. Why not get what you need to say out in the open? A cover will soon be blown and real feelings revealed. There is no need for the inevitable nastiness about the whole situation that may be simmering inside; keep to the facts. The stars say: act with wisdom, and patience, don’t be wiled into their game. Above all, be respectful.
      You may be feeling super sensitive because of your insecurities. That’s Capricorn for you, he hates tears, drama and weakness in another. Women appear to handle this particular Full Moon better than men. Why are they so broody? There is introspection and curiosity around the time you risked and possibly lost.
      What is your intuition telling you? If you value your health and your heart, this is nothing more than an uncomfortable move to a better place. Mars in Taurus in the 8th house suggests elimination issues – so listen. Your body may well be feeling the same. Doesn’t it feel better when a ‘blockage’ has cleared?

      Others will soon be around for you – are they picking up your broken heart? Comedy heals, so learn to laugh at yourself; others will love your self-deprecation. Who knew you had the funniest stories about how you missed the obvious clues that someone was stringing you along with their tall tales.
      You will like this one. Revenge looks to be sweet as the devil wants to strike once, hard and fast for you. Even he wants you to let go of any disheartenment and take a break. He is dying to show off what he can do. Remain at arm’s length. This time you can just sit back, watch and wait for his pièce de résistance! Mon Dieu!
      Step back from the drama and make peace with your life. End relationships that aren’t working by July 26 to 27.
      On a positive note, who is travelling to a foreign land? I bet you can’t wait. Is it for business or somewhere you can improve or build on your career? Your energy will need to be a little more contained for where you’re going or what you’re doing, but expect your light to shine. Pull back on what you already know and go with the flow; it’s not forever.
      The Full Moon in Capricorn asks you to put yourself, your work and your thoughts for the future, first. Others may think you’re a little conniving, but you are simply showing those who love you how you play the game of life and win. Who is following in your footsteps? What impression do you want them to have of you?
      Take control by using your head not your heart.
      – For more on luxury lifestyle, news, fashion and beauty follow Emirates Woman on Facebook and Instagram
      Images: Yana Potter Art Instagram, Feature Image: Sara Shakeel Instagram More

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      How to Have a Better Relationship, According to Your Enneagram

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      Let’s be real: Relationships can be complicated. The good news? They don’t have to be. Thanks to the Enneagram, we can show up as our best and most authentic selves in our relationships while better understanding ourselves and our other halves, no matter how different they are. And the result is deeper connection, mutual respect, and empathy. Grab your partner and read on to learn the strengths, differences, and motivations of each Enneagram type and find out where you fit. 

      Type Ones are great in relationships because they always have a sense of their priorities. It’s rare you’ll meet a Type One who doesn’t have a grasp on what it is they want in a relationship and where you fall in line with their other duties and identities. They’re also known for being faithful, helpful, and dedicated in relationships, meaning you can expect them to be all-in. 
      On the other side, Ones are known for being perfectionists, which can mean they’re critical and have overly high expectations of a partner. Type Ones should be aware of their expectations and work on finding a medium with their partner. Instead of expecting your partner to have the dishes done when you get home (without asking first) or wondering why they haven’t asked about your weekend plans yet, ask for what you want. I know, this goes against basically everything in your nature as a Type One, but unless your partner can read minds (we’re all jealous), there’s no way for them to know what you want and, in turn, meet your expectations. 

      The Helper is all about doing what they can for their loved ones. They know how to make you feel loved and appreciated, and they’re great at validating the feelings of others (even if it means doubting their own). 
      Because Type Twos are so focused on what the other person wants or needs, they often struggle to get their own needs met in a relationship. Instead of worrying about what your partner wants for dinner or how they’re feeling after a fight, ask for what you need. If your feelings were hurt or you feel like they’re not taking your ideas into consideration, this is your chance to tell them how you feel and exactly how they can support you too. A relationship goes both ways, and because a Two is so focused on their partner, they often forget to prioritize their needs too. 
      Twos can also be possessive at times, causing them to show an excess of love to their partner in an attempt to woo them or keep them in their lives. Talk to your partner about how they personally want to feel love (might we suggest the Love Languages test?) so you can give them exactly what they want too.

      If you’re familiar with Love Languages, Threes almost always feel loved through words of affirmation. They like knowing their partner is proud of their achievements, whether it’s something big, such as a promotion at work, or small, like finding the best new restaurant for date nights. Threes love to feel appreciated, and because of this, they enjoy giving to their partner too. 
      Because Threes put so much of their worth into their career, they often bring that into relationships. Talking about work over dinner, being absentminded when you’re together, and putting your work-related stress onto your partner can make your partner feel like they’re not as important to you as your career. To combat this, create work-free times with your partner. Much like some of us are with our cell phones (guilty), Threes can often be that way about their career. Give yourself two hours when you’re out to dinner or just catching up on Bridgerton where you occupy yourself with your partner. No work, all play. 

      Fours are known for being creative, but in relationships, they are playful, fun, and spirited. They are open to new experiences and love getting to share their creativity and passion with someone else. They are typically emotional and have a strong idea of who they are. In relationships, this means they’re romantic and intuitive. They love sending love notes, cards, and gifts to their loved ones, and they feel loved when their partner understands and compliments their self-expression (such as their art!). 
      In a relationship, a Four can be a little overbearing at times. They can be moody and have a hard time separating their emotions from their day-to-day lives. As a Four, it is important to remind your partner that they aren’t to blame for your emotions. Fours do not like being called overdramatic or being told they’re overreacting in a situation; therefore, it’s important to talk with your partner about your emotions instead of closing them off. You don’t have to be alone with your feelings!

      Fives love to approach situations with data on hand. They’re natural teachers who observe their surroundings and analyze situations deeply before committing or speaking up. Unlike Fours, they take time alone to process and understand their emotions before acting on them, which can make a partner think they’re uninterested or uninterrupted by a conflict (which isn’t usually the case). They have a thirst for knowledge and love to learn, making them a great companion for intellectual dates, such as going to new exhibitions, museums, libraries, and events in your city. 
      In their quest for knowledge, Fives can seem somewhat withdrawn or even contentious or irritated with a partner. While they are generally introverted and prefer to stay in, they can get frustrated when a partner always wants to pull them out of their comfort zone. Similar to Type Three, create times with your partner to discuss your lives without judgment. Your partner wants to know what you’re learning and what is interesting to you at the moment, so don’t be afraid to geek out about your latest project. They love that side of you too!

      We all know Sixes are all about commitment, making them perfect for long-term relationships. They’re loyal and feel content knowing their relationships are safe and secure. They can be introverted and extroverted, so they’re easy to open up to but also to have fun with. Helping others is important to a Six, and they feel irresponsible when they think they haven’t fulfilled that duty. They are also independent, so they’re able to do their own thing once in a while without worrying about their partner.
      Sixes are some of the most trustworthy people; however, they’re not quick to trust others themselves. This can make them seem self-conscious, nervous, and even defensive in relationships where the other person doesn’t feel trusted or accepted. Trusting another person is hard at first, but it takes being confident in yourself and your relationship to get you there. Spend some time every day focusing on building up your own self-confidence. You can’t be the best version of yourself with a partner if you’re constantly worrying about how you look or if they still like you (you look great, and, yes, they do!). Then, start building trust by allowing yourself to be vulnerable at times. Open up to your partner about your insecurities in the relationship, and discuss from there.

      The adventurers of the Enneagram, Sevens are all about a party. They’re upbeat and positive, knowing how to find the good in most situations. They almost always seem happy and carefree, which can sometimes seem stressful to a partner who’s another type. 
      Although Sevens are the life of the party, they can also seem narcissistic and distracted in relationships. They have a short attention span, which is great for having fun but stressful for discussing issues in a relationship. We know it’s hard, but Sevens, you have to slow down. Allow your partner to get serious every once in a while. Being an optimist doesn’t have to mean you never discuss negativity or the stress and anxiety each other goes through. However, make sure you’re letting your partner speak up. While they certainly love your center-of-attention personality, they also want to feel understood and heard too.

      Eights are confident and outgoing, but this can also manifest itself as arrogance and competition. They are natural leaders who view life’s challenges as exciting, and they’re never afraid of conflict. When issues arise in a relationship, they’re the first to be honest and ready to discuss what’s going on with their partner. 
      A reminder to Eights: It’s OK to show your vulnerable side. Eights feel like they have to have everything together all the time, and they can’t share the tender side of themselves without getting angry or frustrated first. To make this easier, practice active listening with your partner. No more trying to come up with a response before the other person is even finished (as an Eight, I totally understand this!). Listen to your partner as they speak, and empathize with whatever they’re going through, no matter how big or small it may seem to you. You’ll be able to relate to them on a deeper level while also prioritizing some quality time.

      Nines can often be mistyped as Twos because they are overly accommodating in relationships and can be people-pleasers. However, what makes them different from Twos is their drive to keep harmony and peace in their relationships. Known as the peacemakers, they are active listeners and sensitive to other people’s emotions. 
      Nines will do anything to avoid conflict, which can sometimes cause situations to never reach a solution (the opposite of Eights!). Instead of your usual, speak up about what’s going on with you and your partner. Whether it’s about your sex life, someone forgetting to take out the trash, or something bigger, be honest with your partner about how you’re feeling and what’s going on. Remember that not all conflict has to be disruptive; there is such a thing as productive conflict. 

      The Enneagram Type You Should Date
      (based on your own Enneagram) More

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      17 Unromantic Signs This Person Might Be ‘The One’

      by

      Everything from the classic love affair in Pride and Prejudice to the will-they-or-won’t-they drama of Ross and Rachel teaches us that love is supposed to be extraordinary, make it impossible to sleep or eat, and always ends with a “happily ever after.” As much as rom-coms and the Twilight Saga would have us believe, romance is not actually always about flowers and love poems or grand gestures and public declarations when you find “the one.”
      In real life, the rom-com doesn’t end at the “I do” scene, but it keeps going: through paying bills and tax season, through toddlers and newborns preventing your sleep for days, and through terrifying health scares, boring daily chores, and deaths of the people you love.
      The one you choose to spend forever with is not just your personal romantic comedy—it’s the most important interview of your life. A happy life is about more than love letters and PDA, so you better make sure there’s more to your relationship too. Here are 17 signs the person you’re with might be “the one” that have absolutely nothing to do with butterflies, grand gestures, or romance.

      1. You don’t have to pretend to be interested in them or wish they would be more interested in you
      It’s likely that you and your partner will have many different interests—in fact, you should, or else dating another you would just be boring! You may not always be interested in their passion or hobbies, but you’ll want to learn more because you know how much it matters to them, and you’ll genuinely want to be able to share what they love. You also won’t have to pretend you don’t love broadway musicals as much as you actually do or feel like you can never talk about the latest fashion trends that you know your partner couldn’t care less about—they’ll want to love everything you love and talk about everything you want to talk about.

      2. Errands are kind of… fun
      Going to the grocery store, picking up prescriptions at the pharmacy, and cleaning the house are all part of the mundane routine we have to keep up with through the rest of our lives (sounds depressing, doesn’t it?). But when you do it together, there’s something inherently fun and enjoyable about the tasks that are usually mundane and tedious. Something about your partner makes even the boring feel fun and the average seem exciting.

      3. You don’t have to think twice about asking them for help
      Whether it’s to pick you up from the airport, unclog your drain, or give you advice on a problem you need their perspective on, you don’t have to think about asking your partner for help—you just do it. You trust their opinion, their advice, and their desire to care for you without having to question it for a minute.

      Source: @jessiebbernhardt

      4. They’ll pick up your slack without being asked
      Maybe you came home to your clean laundry that they just threw in with a load of theirs or they bought you a new face serum from CVS when you mentioned you ran out a couple of days ago. It’s more than just the household chores the two of you divide up—it’s the little things they don’t have to do but do just to make your life a little easier and your day a little better.

      5. You can share annoyance, anger, and doubt without worrying about their reaction
      There are absolutely no more deal breakers, and you know it—you can be in a horrible mood without feeling like they’ll think less of you or not want to be around you, and you know they’ll be supportive of your feelings before being defensive of their own if you experience any doubts along the way. You can be more honest with them than you’ve ever been because bigger than anything you’ll ever say or do, you both have a shared understanding that you’re in this life together.

      6. You both have your own thing
      Whether it’s Bachelor Mondays with the girls, painting classes, or hiking trips a couple times a year, you’re both supportive of the other pursuing their own interests and having their own time alone. Time apart doesn’t make either of you insecure, and you should feel like your partner supports you pursuing your passions over their own needs. Plus, you’ll be so excited to tell them about your time apart, whether it’s to rehash the latest gossip between your friends or what you learned in painting class (remember #1?).

      Source: Ron Lach | Pexels

      7. They’ll ask about your day every day
      Perhaps one of the most important pieces of advice I’ve ever received is to be with someone who will ask about your day every day and—wait for it—actually want to hear about it. If the first thing they do when they get home or the first thing they ask when they call is “how was your day?” every single day, you’ve found one of the good ones. Trust me.

      8. You can look at them and, for no reason at all, they make you laugh
      The best friendships are the ones that make you silly for no reason at all—where you just can’t stop laughing, right? If you’re going to spend your life with someone, it better be the best friendship you’ve ever had. If your partner brings out your silliest self and can make you laugh at nothing, you know they’re going to keep you laughing when things get hard, boring, or mundane. Life should be about enjoyment—make a lifelong commitment with someone who brings out the most fun in you.

      9. Bodily functions don’t make you blink
      You should be able to complain about your heavy flow or let out an *accidental* bodily function post-Taco Bell without it feeling like the end of the world. In fact, when you start doing gross things like shave their back or have them pop your pimples (it gets real) and you’re still just as turned on by each other as ever, that’s when you know.

      10. You can talk openly about money
      Besides just being a crucial conversation to have with the person you’re going to be spending your life with, if you’re able to talk about such a tough topic, it’s a good sign that you trust each other. While nothing is less sexy than the money talk (except maybe shaving that back hair), if you can share your financial past, goals, and current habits openly and honestly and you two share financial values similar enough that you don’t go into anaphylactic shock when you hear about theirs, you probably have a pretty strong foundation.

      Source: Ron Lach | Pexels

      11. They call you out when you need to be called out
      “The One” will be the person who is fully dedicated to helping you live your fullest, best, happiest life. This means that they will check you on your destructive habits and hold you accountable when no one else would. They’ll be honest with you—for the sake of making you better, not for the sake of putting you down. They’ll also stand by you, encourage you, and support you when you’re working through issues or going through hard times without any judgment.

      12. Your PDA is less PDA-y
      You don’t necessarily need to go make out on a park bench like you’re teenagers or feel the need to post collages on Instagram with paragraph-long captions about your oh-so-perfect relationship to celebrate every monthiversary. Instead of overt PDA, you display affection by mere accident—exchanging smirks across the room or holding hands under the table. Instead of the public make outs, fondling, or displaying your love all over social media, you publicly tease each other, brag about each other’s accomplishments, and maybe steal a kiss or hug when you don’t think anyone is looking.

      Source: @sassyredlipstick

      13. Date nights out are great, but you have the most fun at home
      When you can sneak away for a night out, of course it’s fun to dress up and go somewhere new or exciting. But if we’re being honest and if we’ve found The One, the most fun “date nights” are sitting at home with a bottle of Trader Joe’s wine, laughing at The Office, talking for hours, or playing the same card game—again. The things that would sound boring to anyone else are the things you find yourself preferring over those fancy dates.
      Anyone can get in the mood for romance when fancy clothing and candlelight are involved, but when it’s just the two of you, with sweatpants and take-out, and it’s somehow the best night ever, you know you could do it for the rest of your life.

      14. You’ve developed your own language no one else can understand
      If your daily conversations are laced with inside jokes or you consistently refer back to movie quotes or moments that will have you both dying with laughter, this person will certainly have you laughing the rest of your life. You share more than the same life and relationship—you share the same humor, and that can make all the difference in the length of a lifetime.

      Source: @hikarimurakami

      15. At the worst times, you want them there
      For most of your past relationships or crushes, it’s likely that they’re the last person you would’ve wanted to be present when you’re hunched over the toilet with food poisoning or crying in your room with a bad panic attack—so embarrassing! But if this partner is the right one, you’ll find yourself calling them when you’re having a panic attack or wishing they were there when you’re really sick (and not just because you know they’d clean up your vomit). Maybe you’ve even considered putting them down as your emergency contact—you know that when anything bad is happening, you’ll feel more comforted and protected with them there.

      16. You don’t question or second guess how they act when you’re not around
      When a friend’s Bachelor/Bachelorette party in Vegas comes up, you don’t feel a pit in your stomach or worry they won’t behave; you’ll just be excited to hear the funny stories when they get home. You also don’t doubt that as nice and wonderful as they are to you is exactly how they act when you’re not around too. You believe with all your heart that however they act, out in the world—whether it’s to other girls or people they don’t have to be nice to like waiters or servers—they treat all other people with the utmost respect and graciousness and will always do you proud.

      17. No matter what mistakes you make or how bad you look, you know they’ll still think of you the same
      In the end, you can be your truest self knowing that’s the you that they love the most. You can make a mistake or say something mean, and they’ll still think the world of you. You can wear second-day leggings and not wash your hair for four days and know they’ll still look at you the same as when you’re in a fancy dress with a blowout. The most romantic moments of our lives are often what happens in the most unromantic times—the bad times, the hard times, the gross times, the lazy times, and the boring times. The One will still see you in those times just as they would in the best times.
      Find the person who loves you for exactly whatever you are—good, bad, grumpy, bloated, messy, scattered, anxious, unfiltered—and to use the quote from Juno that taught me the most about love: “The right person will still think the sun shines out your ass.” Now that’s romantic.

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