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    4 Most Common Questions Women Ask About Their Sexual Health

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    What does your ‘Girls Night’ consist of? Pizza, wine and a few episodes of Emily In Paris? Or is it a night where you and your girls get deep into conversations about sex, toys and men? For many, it will be the first option, as the latter tends to make many feel uncomfortable. Why is it difficult to engage in conversations about our sexual health? Perhaps it’s a fear of judgement, that something may be “wrong” with you?Did you know that a staggering 63% of women experience some form of sexual discomfort? Yes. It’s you and almost every woman around you!Don’t worry, we have your back. Here’s a list of questions and answers you may be thinking of, but have never been comfortable to ask before.1. My period is irregular — have I reached menopause?You’ve crossed off all the calendar days and Aunty Flo hasn’t paid you a visit yet. Your initial thoughts could be pregnancy or menopause. Menopause is a reality between 45 and 55, but irregular periods can happen at any age. Dr Bradley Wagemaker, Medical Director at Lamelle Research Laboratories says, “When your body experiences hormonal imbalances and changes in hormone levels (such as when taking contraceptives or falling pregnant), you could experience an irregular flow.”Research suggests that stress and pollution can affect the body, causing devastating effects on your sex organs and your vital sex hormone: oestrogen.READ MORE: These Unusual PMS Symptom Treatments Actually Work – Minus Painkillers2. Why am I so moody?I find it offensive when people accuse me of being moody. It’s never my fault, but my hormones fault. Mood swings are very common when there are hormonal changes happening inside your body. “Oxidative stress depletes nitric oxide in your body, causing the type of hormonal changes that lead to mood swings at any age,” says Dr Bradley Wagemaker.3. I’m struggling to “get in the mood” — help me!You want to get your groove back, but it’s a bit of a struggle? Dr Bradley Wagemaker says, “A decrease in libido or sexual desire is a normal psychological (mental) response to the physiological (physical) damage in your organs. When you experience dryness and discomfort during sex, your brain will often trigger a natural response in your brain to try and avoid the uncomfortable situation again.” Don’t be embarrassed and don’t avoid sex either. Explore different ways to spice things up in the bedroom.READ MORE: The 9 Best Natural Lubes For A Happy Vagina4. How can I improve intimacy with my partner?A couple’s physical intimacy requires work to maintain beyond the “honeymoon phase”. Take care of yourself by investing in your wellness, your personal development and your mindfulness. When you’re feeling your best, you bring an important vitality to your relationship. Be curious and open yourself up to new things. More

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      The 9 Best Natural Lubes For A Happy Vagina

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      It’s no secret that, for lots of people, lube is a game-changer when it comes to sex. So you’d probably assume that lubes (‘normal’ and natural lubes) are pretty safe (even good) for your vagina given their myriad other benefits — and most are. But you need to proceed with caution and familiarise yourself with a few things before you use them. Here’s what you need to know about natural lubes.

      READ MORE: 7 Common Things That Make Your Vagina Smell Strange

      Who Should Use Natural Lubes?

      “The traditional and most commonly used lubes are water- or silicone-based which won’t disrupt the vagina’s delicate pH balance, which can cause an infection,” says Dr Sherry A. Ross, a gynaecologist and author of She-ology and She-ology. The She-quel. Let’s Continue the Conversation.

      But — and this is a big but — if the ingredients used to create the scents, warming capabilities, and flavours of some lubes are doing you more harm than good by irritating your sensitive skin down there, you might find you’re better off with a natural alternative.

      READ MORE: 3 Women Tried Different Vagina Pumps — This Is What They Thought

      What Does Natural Actually Mean?

      Now this, of course, opens up a whole new world of uncertainties. With so many lubes on the market claiming to be “natural” and “organic,” it’s hard to tell what those labels actually mean for you and your vag.

      Here are the facts: It all comes down to ingredients. The fewer ingredients, the more natural the lube.

      “In general, both natural and organic lubricants do not contain those extra non-pure additives including synthetic chemicals, dyes, preservatives, artificial fragrances and other toxins,” says Ross.

      READ MORE: 10 Tips To Keep Your Vagina Happy And Healthy

      What’s The Difference Between Natural And Organic Lube?

      The notable difference between “natural” and “organic” lubes really comes down to how the ingredients in each are sourced and whether they’ve been certified.

      Organic lubes are made from certified ingredients while natural ones are not. To be truly organic, a lube’s ingredients won’t have interacted with chemicals such as pesticides, fertilisers, and GMOs.

      READ MORE: Pop Quiz: Do You Actually Know What’s Going On With Your Vagina?

      Can Natural Lubes Give You An Infection?

      That said, some natural and organic lubes can still be tricky for your vagina and include ingredients that you’ll want to avoid. Take, petroleum jelly or mineral oil, for example: They can up your risk of developing bacterial vaginosis or other vaginal infections, says Dr Alyssa Dweck, a gynaecologist.

      9 Natural Lubes You Should Try

      To make sure you’re adding only the safest options to your cart, you’ll want to shop from this list of the best natural lubricants. Many of these feature coconut oil, aloe vera, or vitamin E for a silky, slippery texture and none of the potentially icky stuff (plastics, artificial fragrances, and oh, those pesky parabens).

      READ MORE: Vaginal Infections 101 — What You Need To Know About That Itch

      Pro tip: Always test a bit of lube on your wrist to see if it causes any irritation. If it doesn’t, give it a try on your vulva to double-check before using it during sex.

      OSKE Aqua Natural Lubricant Tube

      OSKE is vegan and free of petroleum, silicone, parabens, fragrance and glycerin. It’s also made from mostly organic materials and is packing aloe vera, water, and xanthan gum extract.

      Liquid Gold Rooibos Infused Water-Based Lubricant

      If your go-to synthetic lube gets clumpy after prolonged use or thickens the more you apply, make the switch to Liquid Gold. This water-based lube feels smooth, silky and slippery to the touch.

      Pjur Woman Vegan Water-Based Lubricant

      This premium lube is made without parabens, paraffin and glycerin. This PH-optimised lube is also free of fragrances, colourings and gluten so gluten-free folks can enjoy this one.

      READ MORE: Vaginal Probiotics Are Having A Moment – But How Do They Work?

      Intimate Earth MELT Organic Warming Lubricant

      This is a great lube if you have sensitive skin – the gentle formula is silky smooth and a little goes a long way. Plus, it’s condom-friendly and has organic extracts.

      Anara Aloe Gel Personal Lubricant

      A multitasker you’ll repurchase over and over, this aloe vera-based natural lube also relieves itchy and dry skin and even UTIs. Plus, it’s great for menopause.

      Oliō Natural Intimate Lubricant

      This CBD-infused lube is water-based and provides a relaxing and soothing sensation to the skin. Plus, it might improve blood flow, for heightened pleasure.

      Green Peach Essensually Wild Water-Based Lube

      This lube has 100mg of fast-acting full-spectrum CBD. It works to relieve tension and keep you present as you indulge.

      Faithful to Nature Water-Based Lubricant

      Made with organic aloe and prebiotics, is 96% organic, won’t dry up or get sticky and comes inn eco-friendly packaging.

      SuperNaturals Personal Lubricant

      Made with cape botanicals, this natural lube has a silky, smooth texture and is cruelty-free. What’s not to love about it?

      Women’s Health participates in various affiliate marketing programmes, which means we may get commissions on editorially chosen products purchased through our links to retailer sites. More

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      It’s Time To Stop Believing These Sexual Health Myths

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      From periods to contraception to fertility, women’s sexual health is subject to its fair share of myths. In South Africa alone, these myths are not just rampant but serve as a barrier for women to access healthcare. Per one study, “In South Africa, about one in five (19%) women of reproductive age (15–49 years) have an unmet need for contraception, with even higher unmet need among adolescent girls aged 15–19 years at 31%, and 28% for young women aged 20–24 years.” Myths around contraception prevent women from accessing these services, leading to unwanted pregnancy and STIs.

      We’ve dispelled some common myths with input from the experts to lay down some need-to-know facts. Here, the most common sexual health myths you can happily stop believing – and what to know instead.

      Meet the experts: Dr Nico Lin is an Obstetric and Gynaecology registrar at Groote Schuur Hospital in Cape Town. Dr Siyamak Saleh is a doctor, WHO consultant and sexual health influencer.

      Sexual Health Myth #1: You can’t get pregnant during your period.

      While menstruation does mean that your body is shedding its uterine wall, along with an unfertilised egg, this doesn’t mean pregnancy is impossible. “Although the likelihood is lower, it is possible to fall pregnant during your period,” says Dr Lin. “Sperm can survive in the female reproductive tract for up to 7 days. Some women have shorter menstrual cycles and can ovulate shortly after the period ends.”

      What this means: when your period comes to an end, sperm might still be around, allowing you to fall pregnant once ovulation takes place. Always wear protection if you don’t want to become pregnant.

      READ MORE: Here’s Exactly How Your Vagina Changes In Your 20s, 30s And 40s

      Myth #2: The pull-out method works

      Talk about risky business. Per Dr Lin, pre-ejaculation can occur during sex, which could lead to unwanted pregnancy. “The pull-out method or withdrawal method is an unreliable form of birth control because pre-ejaculate can contain sperm, leading to the risk of unintended pregnancy,” he says. Again, use contraception like condoms, the IUD or birth control pills if you want to remain child-free.

      Myth #3: Certain sex positions will increase your chance of falling pregnant

      Just like how you can’t intuit the sex of your unborn child, a special sex position won’t make it easier to fall pregnant. “There is no scientific evidence to support this idea,” says Dr Lin. “Timing of intercourse is more important than sexual position as the key factor in achieving pregnancy is the sperm’s ability to reach the egg during ovulation. Regular unprotected sexual intercourse around the time of ovulation is recommended if you are trying to conceive.”

      Myth #4: Having a regular menstrual cycle means you are always fertile

      “While having regular menstrual cycles is associated with regular ovulation, it does not guarantee fertility,” Dr Lin explains. “Other factors can affect fertility, such as structural abnormalities of the female reproductive tract and endometriosis.” If you are trying to conceive, see your doctor for a check-up to gauge your fertility.

      READ MORE: 5 Simple Ways To Tell Exactly When You’re Ovulating

      Myth #5: Using birth control for a long time makes you infertile

      Simply not true, experts agree. “Long-term use of birth control methods such as pills, injections and intra-uterine devices typically do not impact fertility negatively,” says Dr Lin. “Fertility usually resumes once you stop using the contraceptive. However, responses may vary among individuals with a return to fertility ranging between 2-18 months. Duration of contraceptive use has also been proven to not affect long-term fertility.”

      Also, it’s important to remember that age plays a factor in fertility. The more you age, the more fertility declines. “This means if someone uses birth control for many years, they might find it more challenging to conceive not because of the birth control itself, but because of age-related changes in fertility,” Dr Saleh explains.

      Myth #6: Using contraception will make your partner infertile

      First, let’s make it clear that this is completely untrue. Here’s how hormonal contraceptives work: “They prevent ovulation and thicken the mucus at the mouth of the womb, preventing sperm from entering the reproductive tract,” explains Dr Lin. “It can also work by thinning the lining of the womb, making it less likely for a fertilised egg to implant and grow.” The bottom line: since these methods work within the female reproductive system, they do not affect the partner’s fertility.

      READ MORE: Here’s How To Have A Discussion With Your Doctor About Sex

      Myth #7: The Morning After Pill Is Always Effective

      Well… it’s a bit more complicated than this. “Many factors influence the effectiveness of the morning-after pill, a crucial form of emergency contraception,” says Dr Saleh. “It’s most effective when taken within 24 hours after unprotected sex. There are two primary types of emergency contraception pills: one that contains levonorgestrel (e.g., Plan B One-Step), which is most effective within 72 hours, and another, Ella (ulipristal acetate), which can be taken up to 5 days after unprotected sex. The key mechanism of the morning-after pill is to delay ovulation; therefore, if ovulation has already occurred, the pill will NOT be effective. Additionally, the efficacy of morning-after pills is affected by BMI; higher BMI levels may reduce their effectiveness.”

      Myth #8: Steaming and douching are great for vaginal health

      Leave these practices behind, experts say. “Steaming and douching can disrupt the natural balance of the vagina, leading to several potential risks,” explains Dr Saleh. “These practices can affect the vaginal pH, making the environment more susceptible to infections and irritation. Steaming, in particular, might introduce excessive heat to sensitive areas, potentially leading to burns or discomfort.

      Both steaming and douching can upset the natural balance of healthy bacteria in the vagina, increasing the risk of bacterial vaginosis and yeast infections.” Plus, your vagina is a self-cleaning machine and is designed to maintain its balance without the need for internal cleansing like douching, Dr Saleh warns. Just use a mild soap and water and you’ll be fine.

      READ MORE: Pop Quiz: Do You Actually Know What’s Going On With Your Vagina?

      Myth #9: Vaginal discharge means infection

      This sexual health myth couldn’t be further from the truth. It’s more the quality of the discharge that determines inflammation and infection. “Vaginal discharge is a natural and healthy part of the vagina’s self-cleansing mechanism. Not all discharge indicates an infection,” says Dr Saleh. If your discharge is white, that’s normal.

      “Signs that discharge may be due to an infection include a change in colour, consistency, smell, or if it’s accompanied by other symptoms like itching, irritation or even lower abdominal pain. Discharge that is green, grey, or has a strong odour might signal an infection, such as bacterial vaginosis or an STI, and requires a consultation with a healthcare provider,” explains Dr Saleh.

      Michelle is the features editor at WH. She’s immensely curious about the world, passionate about health and wellness and enjoys a good surf when the waves are good. More

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      12 Ways To Boost Your Libido And Have A More Satisfying Sex Life, According To Experts

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      POV: You’re reminiscing about your first few dates with your long-term partner. You know, the time when you used to bonk like bunnies? Back then, it was physically impossible to keep your hands off each other, but now the idea of engaging in spontaneous lovemaking with your S.O. sounds, well, meh.

      If you can relate, you may be going through a period of low sex drive, also known as low libido.

      Biological Factors

      Libido is affected by a combination of biological, psychological and social factors known as the biopsychosocial model, says gynaecologist Dr. Alyssa Dweck, MD. “Bio-” refers to medical conditions such as: diabetes, heart disease and some cancers—essentially anything that can cause hormonal or blood flow changes, all of which can influence sexual drive, Dweck explains. Vaginal pain associated with intercourse (i.e., vaginismus) as well as ageing can also influence libido, adds double-certified gynaecologist Dr. Monica Grover, DO.

      Psychological Factors

      Meanwhile, the “psycho” part of this model is in reference to your emotional well-being and any mental health issues that may impact your libido. For example, depression and anxiety as well as history of abuse or trauma—sexual or otherwise—can impact your sex drive, says Dweck.

      Meet the experts: Alyssa Dweck, MD, is a practising gynaecologist and co-author of three books, including The Complete A to Z for Your V: A Women’s Guide to Everything You Ever Wanted to Know About Your Vagina. Monica Grover, DO, is a double-certified gynaecologist and the chief medical officer for VSPOT. Rachel Smith, LMFT, is a licensed marriage and family therapist and certified sex therapist.

      Social Factors

      Finally, “-social” is all about your relationship with sex and others. Cultural upbringing, religion and value systems influence people’s general thoughts about sex and how they specifically engage with it, explains Dweck. And when it comes to romantic relationships, if there’s conflict or difficulty, a couple’s libido will certainly be affected, she adds.

      Despite these barriers to entry (get it?), there is a way out of this sexual rut.

      If you’ve recently been feeling unsatisfied with your libido, sex experts are here to help. Ahead, they break down some possible reasons for why your sex drive is low and offer some tried-and-true tips for boosting your libido, so you can access pleasure once again.

      What’s considered a “normal” sex drive?

      Before getting into the nitty-gritty of why your sex drive might not be as high as you’d like, first, let’s settle what a normal sex drive is. The short answer: There is no “normal.”

      “Libido naturally varies from person-to-person and changes throughout your life,” explains Grover. What’s “normal” to you might not be normal for someone else, because your sex drive depends on your lifestyle and preferences, she adds.

      For example, someone who grew up in a household where sex was “taboo” and considered shameful might have a different desire for sex compared to someone who was raised in a sex-positive environment. “The messages that you heard about sex and sexuality and what it is and what it means all greatly impact your desire and openness to sex,” says certified sex therapist Rachel Smith, LMFT. So there is no normal; instead, you have to allow the time and space to check in and define for yourself how you wish—and not wish—to engage with sex, she adds.

      “The most important thing when we talk about normalcy is whether somebody is distressed about their drive,” says Dweck. Some people have a fairly low sex drive as their baseline and don’t feel distressed by it, i.e. it’s not hindering their quality of life. Others, however, are very affected by the number of times they have sex or think about sex, she adds, and for those people, some sort of intervention may be helpful.

      While no “normal” sex drive exists, it’s not abnormal for yours to change due to life experiences. As women age, especially during the menopausal period, their sex drive may diminish, explains Dweck. And when it comes to social factors such as relationships, “it’s also not unusual if somebody’s in a very long-term, albeit very happy relationship, that they may have a lower [sex] drive, either as a result of boredom or being stuck in a routine,” Dweck adds.

      Why is my sex drive so low?

      You already know sex drive is determined by a combination of biological, psychological and social factors, but ahead, the experts outline some specific physical and mental health barriers that might have you feeling bleh about making your bedrock:

      Physical Causes of Low Sex Drive

      Sexual dysfunction

      “Sexual dysfunction is a problem that can happen during any phase of the sexual response cycle,” says Grover. Some intercourse-related issues that may decrease one’s libido include: a history of painful sex (i.e., dyspareunia or genital pain either before, during, or after sex), vaginal dryness, vaginismus and/or problems reaching orgasm, according to Grover. All of these conditions “can create anxiety surrounding sex and lead to a decrease in sexual desire,” she explains.

      Reproductive health conditions

      Conditions such as endometriosis, premenstrual syndrome (PMS) and polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS) can also negatively impact libido due to the hormonal changes and imbalances associated with them, says Grover.

      Medications

      Certain prescription drugs, especially a specific class of antidepressants known as selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs), are known to decrease sex drive, explains Grover. These drugs impact your ability to access the hormones and neurotransmitters important for experiencing sexual pleasure, says Smith. “[Certain] antipsychotics and even medications for ADHD” can also lower libido, Grover adds.

      Fatigue

      Studies have shown that poor sleep can induce adrenal fatigue and increase cortisol levels, which can diminish sexual desire, says Grover.

      Ageing and hormonal changes

      “Changes in estrogen and testosterone levels greatly affect someone’s libido,” says Grover. Some hormonal changes associated with ageing include pregnancy and menopause, both of which can influence sex drive.

      Pregnancy and postpartum

      “Hormone changes during pregnancy, just after having a baby and nursing can put a damper on sex drive,” Grover says. Not to mention, fatigue, changes in body image and the pressures of caring for a child can also contribute to a decrease in sexual desire, she adds.

      Menopause

      During the transition into menopause, estrogen levels drop, explains Grover. This can cause vaginal dryness, resulting in painful and uncomfortable sex, making you less interested in intercourse, she adds.

      Exercise

      Both too much or too little physical activity can cause a decrease in sex drive, according to Grover and a study published in Medicine & Science in Sports & Exercise.

      Stress

      “Stress tends to be one of the number one killers of libido,” explains Smith. And while stress is a mental health-related issue, it’s also a physical health issue as “when cortisol levels go up, sex hormone levels go down,” she says.

      Mental Health Causes of Low Sex Drive

      Anxiety and depression

      Apart from the SSRIs used to treat these mental health conditions, anxiety and depression themselves interfere with your hormone levels, resulting in a lower libido. “Anxiety can cause increased levels of cortisol, or the ‘stress hormone,’ and high levels of cortisol can suppress the sex hormones that impact your sex drive,” explains Grover. Depression, for its part, can cause an imbalance of the neurotransmitters that help regulate libido, Grover adds. And, in general, physical fatigue, low self-esteem and feelings of hopelessness—all symptoms of depression—can decrease sex drive, she says.

      History of trauma

      Experiencing trauma, especially of the sexual variety (i.e., sexual harassment, sexual abuse, or rape), can negatively impact one’s desire for sex, explains Grover.

      Relationship problems

      Issues in a romantic relationship play a major part in decreasing sex drive, says Grover. “Problems with communication, trust or intimacy, are among the most common causes of a low libido,” she explains. While sex is a physical act, there’s no denying the vital role having an emotional connection plays in forming one’s desire for sex. “If you don’t feel safe, secure, cared for, seen, heard, or supported, then you’re less likely to take next steps in terms of intimacy,” says Smith. On the flip side, if the emotional bond is there, but you’re not finding the sex you’re having with your partner particularly pleasurable or enjoyable, that can also negatively impact your libido, she adds.

      Low self-esteem

      How you feel in your body plays a significant role in your openness and ability to access sexual desire, says Smith. “If one’s not comfortable in their own skin, how can they invite someone else in to share in that experience [of sex]?” she asks. The answer: It’s quite difficult (but not impossible—more on that in a sec).

      How can I increase my sex drive?

      Now that you know why your engine isn’t revving the way it used to, what can you do to step on the gas, so to speak? Ahead, these 12 expert-approved tips can help your sex drive go from zero to 60 (vroom vroom!).

      1. Get checked up.

      “Number one, get a medical checkup,” says Dweck. You want to make sure there’s no medical issue or medication that’s screwing with your libido. So, check in with your gynae or a specialist in hormonal changes to either figure out if that’s the cause or cross it off the list.

      2. Implement healthier lifestyle choices.

      Perhaps this comes as no surprise, but the consumption of alcohol and tobacco can negatively impact your sex drive, according to previous studies and research. So while it’s easier said than done—especially in the case of addiction—try your hardest to cut back on these substances.

      And if you’re always tired when it’s time to wriggle in between the sheets, consider getting more sleep and/or levelling up your exercise routine—or the opposite, working out less. Switching up your schedule might help you find your sexy sweet spot.

      3. Manage your stress and anxiety.

      Stress and anxiety increase cortisol levels, which in turn lower your libido. So to improve your sex drive, try to manage your stress and anxiety levels, says Grover.

      You may even consider indulging in some self-care—both after a stressful day and before engaging in sex. Maybe you take a bubble bath after work to open yourself up and alleviate the stress from the day, says Smith.

      4. Prioritize your mental health.

      If a history of sexual trauma is getting in the way of your ability to access pleasure, consider getting assistance to help you treat that trauma, depression, or anxiety, says Glover.

      You may want to speak to a licensed psychotherapist who specialises in your specific type of trauma—or, better yet, a sex therapist that can walk you through releasing any feelings of shame or embarrassment regarding sex and self-pleasure.

      5. Discover your desire style.

      Smith explains that there are two desire types: spontaneous and responsive. Spontaneous desire is what’s typically shown in movies and media; it describes someone who feels a mental or emotional need for sex, first, to which their body quickly responds to thereafter, she says. People with this desire style operate like a “light switch,” Smith explains.

      “Sex is more on the forefront of their minds—they’re probably initiating sex more often because it’s more readily available to them.”

      Those with responsive desire, however, need the physical arousal, first, then the mental and emotional wanting of sex comes after, explains Smith. “This is like the dimmer switch.” These people need to be in sexual experiences for the desire for sex to click in their mind, she adds. They’re not often initiating sex, but when they’re in the thick of it, they’re thinking, “This is great.”

      Arousal—the physiological response to sexual stimuli—often follows desire—the wanting of sex—so it’s important to get acquainted with your desire style in order to figure out what it is that you—and your sexual partner—need to get it on.

      Of course, it’s true that if you don’t want sex, you shouldn’t have it, but this thinking can sometimes be a disservice to those with responsive desire, says Smith. “As long as sex is consensual, you don’t have to want sex to have sex, actually,” she says. For those with responsive desire, it’s quite the opposite as their desire starts from a place of willingness versus wanting.

      6. Figure out your turn-ons and turn-offs.

      You can’t communicate what your sexual needs are with a partner if you, yourself, don’t know your accelerators—turns ons—and brakes—turn offs.

      “And that’s really the only way—through being able to communicate with your partner—that you’re going to learn how to develop good sex or experience a positive, pleasurable sexual experience,” says Smith.

      Smith explains that, in this society, the responsibility to discover your turn-ons and turn-offs is put on partners, when really it’s your own responsibility to figure out what helps you achieve orgasm. One way to figure out what gets you to a big O is through self-pleasure, of course. But yet another way…

      7. Explore erotic content.

      Not only does engaging with X-rated videos and books help you see what might turn you on, but it also assists in getting love on the brain, á la Rihanna. “This is called bibliotherapy, which is just a fancy way of saying using tools like videos or texts to try to get sexual thoughts on the brain,” says Dweck. “The more this is done on a voluntary basis, the more [the desire for sex] will become spontaneous.”

      8. Work on your emotional connection.

      In order to have a strong sexual connection, you first need to develop a strong emotional bond. If you’re feeling uncared for by your S.O., then you’re most likely not going to want to get in between the sheets with them.

      Make sure you’re feeling safe and secure and you can trust your partner and then the rest will follow, says Smith.

      9. Schedule sex.

      Truthfully, when you’re always busy with work schedules, chores and childcare, it can be hard to, uh, get in the mood. One solution: Put “sex” on the Google Calendar.

      For long-term couples, especially, having a convenient, dedicated time to involve yourself in intimacy can help alleviate some of the stress and pressure of keeping the spark alive, says Dweck.

      10. Spend more time on foreplay.

      A huge influence to a low sex drive, especially for long-term couples, is boredom and being stuck in a rut or routine. To get out of that vicious cycle of just “hitting it and quitting it” and re-access pleasure, Grover recommends spending more time getting each other warmed up before heading into the main event.

      You might even consider trying out a new sex move you learned from an erotic video or bringing in sex toys like nipple clamps or a magic wand.

      11. Get rid of expectations.

      Many times folks are so focused on how they “should” be showing up sexually or how their body appears in the heat of the moment that they aren’t present enough to fully enjoy themselves and be in connection with their partner, explains Smith. Sex thus becomes something pressure-inducing, rather than something enjoyable.

      To increase your desire for sex and reach peak pleasure, Smith recommends “slowing down and smelling the roses.” In other words, alleviate the pressure to perform a certain way.

      Think of sex not as something you do, but as a place you go to be together and have a different experience, she says. Once you’re able to put all of that other stuff aside, then you’re truly able to experience the connection that’s available.

      12. Consider a medical intervention.

      If your low sex drive is really causing you distress and you’re discovering that none of these natural remedies are working for you, medical intervention is an option, says Dweck.

      In the end, if you’re not satisfied with where your libido is at right now, just know there’s hope. Through open communication, some self-exploration and self-care and a caring partner, you’re sure to find a frequency—plus, some new sex moves—that will make you both happy and (consensually) handsy.

      This story was written by Naydeline Mejia and was first published on womenshealthmag.com More

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      Why Am I Bleeding During Sex? Gynaecologists Explain Common Reasons And Treatments

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      So you just had a nice romp in the sack and now, you’re dutifully peeing to avoid a UTI. (Great job, by the way.) But as you’re wiping, you see blood. What does that mean?

      Before you panic and text all of your friends for help, take a few deep breaths. Bleeding during or after sex, while jarring in the moment, isn’t necessarily a cause for concern, especially if there isn’t a ton of blood.

      “It’s not an uncommon thing that we [as doctors] hear about,” says Dr Lyndsey Harper, a board-certified ob-gyn and founder of sexual wellness app Rosy. “And the reason for that is because it can happen in so many different scenarios.”

      In many cases, bleeding during or after sex could be due to menstruation, or a microtear in the vagina. And the good news is, even if there’s a more serious reason (like a larger tear, or an STI), it’s likely treatable. Still, you’ll want to schedule a visit to your gynaecologist if the bleeding is heavy, bright red, or accompanied by pain—and, most importantly, if it happens more than twice in a brief window of time, says Dr Harper.

      Meet the Experts:

      Want to learn more? No need to crowdsource from your group chat: Women’s Health rounded up all the info you need about the common causes of bleeding during or after sex, including how to treat it and when to check in with your doc about it.

      What are some common reasons for bleeding after sex?

      There are many reasons you might experience bleeding during or after sex, so it’s always a good idea to talk to a doctor if you’re concerned. But here are some of the most common explanations, per ob-gyns.

      1. You’re on (or you just finished) your period.

      This is one of the most common reasons—and also one of the least worrisome, says Dr Harper.

      If your period recently ended, or it’s about to begin, you might see blood that’s slightly darker and browner in colour. “You can’t count on this a hundred percent of the time, but most of the time, if [the bleeding] is related to your period, the blood is going to be a dark brown,” she explains.

      2. You tore your hymen.

      You might have heard the myth that your hymen “breaks” after your first time having sex. The truth: It’s a little less one-size-fits-all than that. While many people do have a hymen, or tissue around their vagina, it doesn’t necessarily tear the first time you have intercourse, says Dr Harper. Sometimes, it can tear at an earlier age, due to tampon usage or certain kinds of exercise. And sometimes, a person can even have penetrative sex several times before their hymen tears, Dr Harper explains.

      If this happens to you, you’ll notice a distinct bright red colour. You’ll also probably feel a very brief, “sharp” moment of discomfort that’s more shocking than it is painful, says Dr. Harper.

      3. You’re experiencing vaginal dryness.

      There are many factors that can cause vaginal dryness, including birth control, breastfeeding, or menopause. “Vaginal dryness can lead to thinning of the vaginal wall and increased friction during intercourse. That can create little tears, which can bleed,” says Dr Harper.

      The words “vaginal tearing” might make you wince, but this is another very common cause of postcoital bleeding. Your best bet: Loading up on lube in preparation for sex, says Dr Brandye Wilson-Manigat, a board-certified ob-gyn and sex coach. She recommends adding a high-quality water-based or silicone-based lubricant into your sexual routine.

      If you’re going through menopause and having a persistent issue with bleeding, though, Dr Harper suggests setting up an appointment with your gynaecologist, who might recommend a hormone replacement. “Lack of oestrogen during menopause can lead to lots of other issues in addition to vaginal bleeding, so it’s always worth a discussion with your healthcare provider,” she explains.

      4. You just had sex that was a bit rougher than usual.

      Another reason you might have some vaginal tearing? Rough sex, or a larger-than-usual penis or strap-on, explains Dr Wilson-Mangiat. Slight tearing could be more likely if you haven’t had sex or been penetrated at all recently, adds Dr Nicole Williams, an ob-gyn at the Gynecology Institute of Chicago. “If it’s been a while since you’ve had sex, the tender skin around the vagina may have a microtear and cause some spotting,” says Dr Williams.

      In many instances, these tears are small and can heal on their own, assures Dr Harper. If you’re spotting slightly or the bleeding stops, it might just be a sign to tread more carefully (and with more lube) next time. But if the bleeding is heavy and insistent, you may have a larger tear that requires medical treatment.

      “You might notice [a bit of blood] on your toilet paper and think, ‘Oh, let me keep on eye on this.’ But if it’s a large tear, you’re going to be bleeding heavily, it’s going to be bright red blood and you’re going to need attention to make it stop,” she explains.

      5. You have a skin condition that makes you susceptible to tearing or bleeding.

      In some cases, the light bleeding could be a result of a skin condition that caused tearing. For example, a medical skin condition called lichen sclerosus, which can contribute to irritation and itching of the vulva in the prepubescent stage and after menopause, is also a source of tearing or bleeding after sex, Dr Wilson-Manigat explains.

      6. You have cervical polyps.

      Cervical polyps are one of the more common reasons for bleeding during sex that Dr Wilson-Manigat has seen in her practice. “These are benign growths on the cervix that are similar to a skin tag you would see on another area of your body,” she says. “But the difference between a skin tag and a polyp is that polyps can bleed very easily with light touch, which is why you may have bleeding from them during sexual activity.”

      Most of the time, they can be found during your routine pelvic exam and pap smear. Dr Harper stresses that they aren’t cancerous, but should still be addressed by a gynaecologist, so set up an appointment with your doc if you think you might be prone to polyps.

      7. You’re pregnant.

      Before you’ve even taken a test, light bleeding could be your first clue that you’re pregnant. One of the initial signs of early pregnancy can be vaginal bleeding, also known as implantation bleeding, which can occur right after sex, says Dr Alexandra Bausic, a board-certified gynaecologist and sex educator at Let’s Talk Sex. The cause of bleeding is the implantation of the embryo inside your uterus, so it may show up at any time, unrelated to penetration, Dr Bausic notes.

      If you think there’s a chance you could be pregnant and you’re noticing bleeding during sex or in general, take a test and then give your gyno a call. And if you’re further along in your pregnancy, bleeding during or after sex isn’t a totally abnormal occurrence—but you should also let your doctor know, just so they can make sure everything’s okay, Dr Harper suggests.

      “There are causes for bleeding during pregnancy that are not a big deal and then there are causes for bleeding during pregnancy that are a really big deal,” she says. “If the placenta is over the cervix, if you’re going into pre-term labour… There are a lot of things we want to rule out before we say, ‘eh, not a big deal.’”

      8. You have cervicitis.

      Another one of the more common explanations for bleeding during or after sex is cervicitis. While the word may sound scary, what’s basically happening is an inflammation of the cervix, says Williams.

      In some cases, a common infection such as bacterial vaginosis (BV) or an allergic reaction to latex condoms or certain feminine hygiene products causes inflammation in the cervix, according to the Mayo Clinic. But cervicitis can be easily treated with a topical antibiotic, Dr. Williams says.

      9. You have an STI.

      If you’ve been experiencing other symptoms down there—including difficulty peeing, discharge that smells more odorous than usual, or discharge that appears to be green or yellow in colour—you might have an STI, says Harper. “Gonorrhea and chlamydia can infect the cervix and make it fragile, so irritation to the cervix can make it bleed more readily,” she explains.

      Luckily, gonorrhoea and chlamydia are both treatable—just set up an appointment with your doctor, who can run some tests and help you get treatment. In more rare cases, an HPV infection could be causing some type of cervical pre-cancer, but don’t panic: Your doctor will flag any abnormalities with your pap smear first.

      10. You have a yeast infection.

      A sexually transmitted infection may not always be the cause—yeast infections can also be to blame for vaginal bleeding, says Dr Alyssa Dweck, an ob-gyn and author of The Complete A To Z For Your V. When you have a yeast infection, your vagina becomes sensitive, swollen and inflamed, which can lead to bleeding when you wipe, have sex, or itch the area, Dr. Harper adds.

      Chances are, if you have a yeast infection, other symptoms—namely, painful vaginal itching and clumpy, adherent discharge—will present themselves first, explains Dr. Harper.

      11. You have cervical cancer.

      Unfortunately, there is a worst-case possibility: “Pre-cancerous and cancerous cells of the cervix can definitely cause bleeding and that is obviously very worrisome,” says Dr Harper. What’s also concerning is that, oftentimes, cervical cancer—especially in its early stages—presents very few symptoms. This is why she always recommends seeing a doctor if the bleeding starts happening semi-frequently, even if just to rule it out.

      With cervical cancer, “you can have spotting with intercourse, but you can also have some random spotting, too,” Dr Harper explains. “And it’s bright red, not like menstrual spotting. Whenever people are having bright red bleeding outside of their cycle, they want to be evaluated.”

      So I should really see a doc if I bleed during or after sex?

      Definitely, if it’s a recurring thing. Here’s Dr Williams’ rule of thumb: “If you have a single episode of bleeding after sex, especially if you’re just finishing your period or have started a new hormonal birth control, it may not be anything to be concerned about. However, if it happens more than once, it’s best to just make a quick visit to the gyno and have yourself checked out.”

      After you’ve made your doctor appointment, come prepared with as much information as possible to help ID your condition. First, always pay attention to the colour of the blood. “Darker blood is usually older blood and is not as concerning as if it were very bright red,” Dr Williams says. Also, take note if the blood is accompanied by pelvic pain and discomfort. Or, if your vaginal discharge has a different texture or smell, advises Dr Bausic.

      In terms of treatment, rest assured that many of these conditions are treatable once your doctor is able to diagnose you with the infection or skin condition. One way to rule out infections before you’re even in the doctor’s office is by making sure that pregnancy or any kind of potentially irritating external products aren’t causing the bleeding, Dweck says.

      For many one-time occurrences of bleeding during sex, using lube the next time around can do the trick. But if that’s not helping, it’s best to look further into what could be causing the bleeding. It’s true that sex can be messy—and while talking about bodily fluids and blood can sometimes be uncomfortable, your gyno is trained to help you. That way, you can make sure sex gets back to what it should be: fun!

      This article was first published in womenshealthmag.com More

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      Here’s Exactly How Your Vagina Changes In Your 20s, 30s And 40s

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       Though you may not be aware, vaginas go through changes along with the rest of your body. Here’s of the vagina changes over the decades from your 20s, 30s and beyond …

      Why do vaginas change?

      Through the years, your vagina changes with the rest of your body, drooping and even drying as you approach menopause. Hormonal changes influence the way your vagina looks and feels – though it’s all totally normal. Over time, you can expect a change in vulva thickness, lubrication and pelvic floor strength. Read on for the specifics of how your vagina changes with age.

      In your 20s

      Normal shrinkage

      Puberty’s over (thank goodness) and your organs have reached their adult size. Except, that is, for your labia majora – the outer “lips” that enclose the rest of your privates. Don’t be shocked to see these looking slimmer. As you age, subcutaneous fat, including that of your genitals, decreases.

      In your 30s

      The big stretch

      The uterus balloons to watermelon proportions during pregnancy – then shrinks back down within six weeks after birth. In South Africa, statistics show that the majority of births in private hospitals are conducted by C-section, sparing their vag opening similar stretching.

      Dark shadows

      The hormone shifts that come with pregnancy or ageing can cause your labia minora, the “inner” lips that encircle the clitoris and vaginal opening, to darken in colour. So you can relax if, on your next self-check, it’s like 50 shades of (mauve-ish) grey down there.

      In your 40s

      Short stuff

      Though a woman’s egg supply dwindles rapidly in her early forties, she still ovulates and (sigh) gets her period. Cycles are a bit shorter, though, and tend to peter out by age 51 – i.e. menopause. Your body puts an end to fertility five to 10 years before that.

      Deep squeeze

      Your repro organs are supported by a hammock of tendons, tissue and muscle. Extra kilos, ageing or years of high-impact workouts can loosen this pelvic floor, straining organs and causing bladder leakage or a “heavy” feeling down below. Your move: Kegel exercises! These simple moves strengthen your pelvic floor, making it healthier – and for stronger orgasms.

      Desert rescue

      Lower oestrogen levels affect the vagina’s acid-alkaline balance, which can spur inflammation – along with thinning and drying of the vaginal walls, which can cause itching, burning and redness. Silver lining: regular sex can prevent this (get on it!).

      This article was first published in womenshealthmag.com. More

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      There Is Nothing Normal About Pain During Sex

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      First-time sex is supposed to be painful due to the hymen (a thin piece of tissue located at the opening of the vagina) tearing. Most of us grew up hearing this statement. We held on to it as the gospel and waited our turn to feel this ‘natural’ pain. 

      There’s no bigger lie, believes psychosexual therapist Catriona Boffard, who has been in the game for well over 13 years and is particularly passionate about this subject. She believes that young women being taught that first-time sex is painful creates more long-term damage than we let on and it’s something that should never be normalised.

      “One of the biggest issues is that when women expect something to hurt, or if there has been some physical sexual trauma, chemotherapy treatment or a skin condition, they aren’t going to be sufficiently aroused physically and psychologically – and that will automatically lead to pain. There are many reasons why a woman has unwanted pain during sex, but her first time is not one of them. A woman’s first time shouldn’t hurt.”
      Catriona Boffard

      READ MORE: 5 Things You ALWAYS Need To Do After Anal Sex

      Why you could be experiencing sexual pain

      There are various health and psychological reasons that cause pain during sex – and these should be treated with the utmost urgency. “One of the most common reasons why women experience pain during sex is that they’re not sufficiently aroused. Also, because society tells us that sex first-time sex is going to hurt, that also switches off the probability of being physically and mentally aroused. Her vaginal muscles tense up leading to sexual pain,” explains Boffard. 

      Another reason could be due to sexual pain disorders. “It’s usually a psychosomatic issue that a woman experiences where there is a fear-pain cycle that perpetuates in the brain. It could be that she’s experienced psychological and physical trauma before when inserting a tampon or a finger, being examined by a gynaecologist or when a penis penetrates,” shares Boffard. 

      READ MORE: Vanilla Sex: Not As Boring As You Think

      The third reason is due to dermatological conditions such as lichen sclerosis which affects the tissue in the vulva area or recurring vaginal infections, adds Boffard. Then there’s also the effects of ageing, menopause or chemotherapy which causes shrinking and atrophy (skin condition demonstrated by thin shiny-appearing skin, small readily visible blood vessels, bruises, stretch marks, increased hair, redness, and pigmentation changes) in the vaginal tissue, particularly in the labia. 

      Possible treatments

      Should you decide to consult a psychosexual therapist for your pain during sex, they are likely to first refer you to a sexual health doctor for a full examination and assessment to rule out the possibility of the pain being caused by clinical reasons. “The treatment usually depends on what it is that she’s experiencing. There is no one-size-fits-all model. Every woman needs to be treated differently depending on what her concerns are,” says Boffard. 

      READ MORE: 10 Quiet Vibrators That Will Let You Play In Peace

      One of the most common causes of unwanted sexual pain in women, from a psychological perspective, is negative messaging around sex. “A woman living with vaginismus (the tightening of the muscles on the vagina) may need sessions with a physiotherapist to manage the movement of their pelvis and another may need some psychological therapy sessions. Ideally, a woman experiencing unwanted sexual pain needs a team made up of a sexual health doctor, a sexologist like myself and a physiotherapist,” she says. More

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      11 Things I Wish I Learned in Sex Ed (but Didn’t)

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      When I think back to 7th-grade sex ed, I recall a series of three VHS videos that are burned into my memory: a graphic depiction of a baby crowning during birth, an instructional video about how to use a condom, and a sketch involving a student who drops a massive box of tampons at school and a teenage boy who steps in to help (and who, BTW, is entirely unphased by the sheer number of feminine products in her possession). These were the takeaways of the lessons I learned: birth is wild, protection is non-negotiable, and menstruation is normal. (Of course, that last one only the female students learned while the males were shuffled into another room to learn about wet dreams and such.) 
      As I advanced into adulthood, I remember coming across various scenarios that prompted the thought, “Huh, that would’ve been nice to learn in sex ed.” And I know I’m not alone. So I decided to team up with Ariele Myers, a fertility specialist, board-certified herbalist, licensed acupuncturist, and Founder of The Whole Woman Collective, to devise the top things I wish I’d learned about the female body in sex ed. Ahead, 11 lessons about sex I wish I learned, but didn’t. 

      Meet the expert
      Ariele Myers
      LICENSED ACUPUNCTURIST, BOARD CERTIFIED HERBALIST, AND FERTILITY SPECIALIST
      Myers founded Arieles Apothecary, where she worked with some of the top Reproductive Endocrinologists and IVF centers in the country to help hundreds of women on their hormonal health and fertility journeys. In 2016, she founded Wisdom of the Womb, an online platform to educate on all things reproductive health.

      1. It’s not that easy to get pregnant
      In a very informal poll I took of all my friends, this was the number one issue that we felt our sex ed classes misled us on. I get that it’s tough to explain nuance to a bunch of 7th graders, but if you’re under the impression that you can get pregnant any day of the month, you’re in for a surprise if and when you decide to try to get pregnant. According to Myers, a woman’s “fertile window” is about 6 days long. The math here is that women ovulate for about 12-48 hours, and “While our egg is only viable for a short time, sperm can live for 5 days, so we can actually become pregnant by having sex before we ovulate,” Myers explained. 
      If you’re trying to avoid pregnancy, Myers suggested backtracking 5-6 days from the day you ovulate and either avoiding vaginal sex or using contraception until about 48 hours after ovulation to be safe. Basically, avoid unprotected sex for a week. “Where some women go wrong in trying to avoid pregnancy is that they wait until they’re ovulating to abstain from penetrative vaginal intercourse,” Myers added. “If there is sperm in your body at the time you ovulate, you can get pregnant.” Another disclaimer: This can be a helpful timeframe if you have a regular cycle, so if you have an irregular cycle (and even if you don’t), chat with your doctor about a plan that works best for you. 

      2. Tracking your ovulation is a great way to get to know yourself
      If you’ve never tried tracking your ovulation, I highly encourage you to. Not only does it empower you to know when pregnancy is possible (whether you’re trying to achieve or avoid it), but it’s also an indicator of good health. There are a few ways to track your ovulation, and Myers’s favorite is by tracking your Basal Body Temperature (BBT). “BBT charting tells us so much about our reproductive health, like our follicular and luteal health as well as how we ovulate, not just if and when we ovulate,” Myers said. 
      If you’re into cycle syncing, BBT is an excellent way to gauge which phase of your cycle you’re entering. Myers offers a free YouTube tutorial on tracking BBT if you’re wondering how to start. Alternatively, you could buy an Ovulation Predictor Kit (OPK) at any major store that sells pregnancy tests. “OPK testing is simple, pee-on-a-stick easy, but can get expensive if you’re using them monthly,” Myers stated. These tests can also misread whether you’re actually ovulating as they often only track LH (luteinizing hormone) spikes, which occur just before ovulation, and not the progesterone that kicks in after ovulation.
      Lastly, you can keep an eye on ovulation by tracking your cervical mucus, which Myers referred to as helpful, but also takes some figuring out. “Around the time you ovulate, the consistency of fertile cervical mucus [will be] similar to that of raw egg whites,” Myers said. “Ever try to get a little piece of shell out of the egg white? It’s nearly impossible!” This “raw egg white” consistency usually appears within four days of ovulation.
       
      3. Period pain is not normal
      I was shocked to discover well into my mid-20s that severe cramping alongside my period—though common—wasn’t actually “normal.” Rather, it was a sign that my hormones were out of whack. “Within the framework of Eastern Medicine, pain before and during our cycle can indicate a stagnation of Qi and Blood or blockage in our reproductive organs,” Myers said. “This can inhibit blood flow, which can contribute to pain and cramping.”
      I can personally speak to the power of acupuncture (and herbal tea!) for hormonal health (after going down that road, I rarely cramp when I menstruate). “Some profoundly impactful ways to reduce your menstrual pain at home are Moxibustion and womb massage,” Myers added. 
       
      4. The birth control pill is not a cure-all for all menstrual issues
      Birth control can be an effective tool for contraception, but it’s often used to treat a myriad of menstruation issues. And like all medications, it carries risks along with benefits. “While I believe that the hormonal contraceptive was one of the best things to happen for women’s reproductive freedom, anything we put into the body has to be processed by our body—by our liver—and this does impact our overall health,” Myers said. “Birth control pills are a powerful method of preventing pregnancy, especially when a woman isn’t available or open to tracking her cycle.” But if you’re looking to improve the health of your hormones or your cycle, options outside of birth control might provide a better long-term solution.
       
      5. Orgasms are good for you
      I honestly can’t remember if orgasms were discussed in sex ed, but I know we didn’t talk about their health benefits (spoiler: there are a lot of benefits!). “During orgasm, women release endorphins, ‘feel good’ hormones like oxytocin and dopamine, and prolactin,” Myers explained. Not only do these chemicals counteract stress, but they can also relieve anxiety. Pleasure can actually be healing if we are intentional about how we access it. Imagine if your sex ed class encouraged you to explore what made you feel good. 
      “Only 31-40% of women say that they reach orgasm during penetrative intercourse, and many women say they feel ashamed or embarrassed that they don’t orgasm,” Myers pointed out. “I want there to be so much more support for people to have the time and space to learn what their body likes and wants. Emily Nagoski’s book Come As You Are is an amazing resource for all bodies wanting to understand and discover their capacity for desire.”
       
      6. Post-sex care is important
      Do you know when I learned it was important to pee after sex to avoid a urinary tract infection (UTI)? After getting my first UTI. Though it may feel like hearsay, it’s not a myth: “Peeing after sex is important as it helps you flush bacteria that could potentially cause UTIs out of the urethra,” Myers said. “The belief that it can ward off pregnancy, however, is not factual as the urethra is separate from the vagina.” Emotional post-sex care is important too, Myers pointed out. “Some people need and want cuddles or talking after sex, some need a nap, and some are fine to just get up and go,” she said. She encourages leaning into what you want and need—and practicing asking for it.

      7. Intimacy and sex are different
      Though this isn’t strictly related to physical health, it’s important for anyone engaged in sexual activity to know how to differentiate the physical act of sex from the emotional bond of intimacy. “It feels important to remember that sex is sex and love is love,” Myers said. When both parties aren’t aligned on exactly how they’re using sex, people can get hurt. “It’s OK to have sex without intimacy and connection if that’s what you choose,” Myers noted. “But when you have sex as a means to increase connection,” especially when the other person isn’t on the same page, “it often doesn’t work and can leave us feeling vulnerable.” Wouldn’t it have been great if sex ed helped us navigate these nuances from the start?
       
      8. Consent is an enthusiastic “yes,” and “no” is a complete sentence
      Consent is critical for obvious reasons, but I wish the nuances of consent had been discussed and taught more clearly in sex ed. Myers explained that so many women tell her they don’t feel entitled to their “no.” Other times, they worry about the other person feeling rejected. “‘No’ is a complete sentence,” Myers said. “Even if you like someone, even if you want to continue feeling connected, you never owe anyone your body. Sexuality is not a performance. I believe this should be the foundation of sexual education: that we get to feel, explore, and honor our feelings of desire as well as lack of desire.”
      In the same vein, if you have been told “no,” know that it is not a reflection of your worth (another thing I wish they told us in sex ed). There are so many reasons a person might not be interested in sex that have nothing to do with who you are. 
       
      9. What you’re calling a “vagina” is probably a “vulva” (and they all look different!)
      Screaming “penis” and “vagina” at the top of our lungs to normalize the words—another sex ed lesson burned into my brain (anyone else?): “A” for effort, but it reduced our understanding of the anatomy to two terms. I’m pretty sure I thought my vulva was called a vagina well into my 20s, and most men I know still don’t know the difference.
      Let’s settle any confusion now: The vulva is the area outside a woman’s genitals. Within the vulva, you’ll find a clitoris (the pleasure center), labia majora and minora (the outer and inner lips), a urethra (where urine travels), and the vaginal opening. The vagina is actually inside the body. It’s the inner canal that leads toward the uterus. The beautiful thing about vulvas is that no two are identical, much like fingerprints. It can be maddening when younger women worry about whether their vulva looks “normal,” because there’s no real “normal” to compare it to. Again, that’s something that would have been really helpful to learn in sex ed.
       
      10. Non-sexual infections happen and are nothing to be ashamed of
      There’s a lot of talk about sexually transmitted diseases in sex ed, but not a whole lot of discussion about the fairly common non-sexual infections that can crop up—yeast infections and bacterial vaginosis. “It is best to go to a doctor to check on any excessive itching or unusual discharge,” Myers suggested. But it’s not necessary to get overly concerned right away. These types of infections can occur as a side effect of antibiotics, birth control, hormone imbalance, or diet. “Our digestion can change the pH in our vagina, which can become a breeding ground for infections, like Candida overgrowth,” Myers said. Talk to your doctor if you experience any changes, and practice proper hygiene. 
       
      11. Sex is not just heterosexual (because duh)
      This one really goes without saying, but we’re saying it anyway. It’s hard enough navigating being a woman in a heteronormative society, considering the fact that women were forced to rely on a man for survival throughout most of history. “This framework only shifted as recently as the 1970s when women could open their own bank account and even be considered for certain professions—but our value as women is still strongly steeped within that historical context,” Myers shared.  
      For folks who identify outside the bounds of heteronormative culture, who have faced even more invisibility and had to fight for any real contextualization of value at all, navigating sexual intimacy is even hazier. Queer relationships need to be visible, normalized, and valued so that the folks who reside within them can feel visible, normal, and valued. And sexual education needs to cover these kinds of relationships so that all students are offered the health and safety information they deserve.

      The Surprising Connection Between Posture and Sex More

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      The Surprising Connection Between Posture and Sex

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      We all know posture is important. We grew up with at least one parent whose favorite pastime was to jab their thumb between our shoulder blades and remind us to stand taller (Just me? Cool, cool). We know posture is helpful to ensure proper muscle function, and it’s important for proper alignment of joints and bones. But did you know your posture can make or break your sex life?
      Because I didn’t—and I’ve never been so motivated to stand up straight.
      After having a baby in 2021, I started following various pelvic floor therapists on Instagram. When I connected the dots between posture and vaginal flexibility, I started to pay more attention to the way in which my shoulders slump when I’m at my computer, or how I tuck my pelvis and lean back when I’m holding my 30lb toddler. One follow I’ve found helpful is Jesse Truelove, a pre-and-post-natal trainer who specializes in women’s corrective exercise and pelvic floor work. Her reels on posture have helped remind me to move more consciously, whether I’m at my desk or dead-lifting the little one.
      So I decided to reach out to Truelove to see if she could speak directly to this connection between posture and sexual pleasure. And from what she told me, it’s a widely unknown issue. “Something a lot of people aren’t thinking about is tension in the pelvis and how that impacts sexual pleasure and orgasms,” she explained. Read on to find out how posture affects sex and Truelove’s best tips for improving your sex life (BTW, these tips apply to everyone with a uterus, whether or not you’ve had–or intend to have–a child).

      Meet the expert
      Jesse Truelove, CPT, WFS
      Core & Pelvic Health Specialist
      Jesse Truelove is a pre/postnatal trainer and creator of the MomCORE app, which helps women recover from common dysfunctions post-pregnancy. She is certified in pelvic floor corrective exercise and kinesiology, and has coached thousands of women to heal their pelvic floor.

      In this article

      How Posture Affects Sex
      According to Truelove, when you sit all day with your pelvis tucked under you or if you tend to clench your butt while standing or walking, it can actually shorten the muscles in both your glutes and your pelvic floor. “When this happens over an extended period of time, blood flow is reduced, and we need blood flow for a clitoral erection.” Translation: not paying attention to your pelvic floor muscles and posture can actually impact clitoral stimulation. What’s more, Truelove adds, “We need to be able to contract and lengthen our pelvic floor muscles to allow for penetration and the ability to orgasm.” Basically, poor posture can constrict the muscles in your undercarriage to the point where you can’t easily lengthen them, which can lead to pain during sex or difficulty achieving orgasm.

      Signs That Your Posture Might Be Affecting Your Sex Life
      Your body’s default is to slouch
      One red flag that indicates you might start to see muscle imbalance or chronic pain in the future (and less-than-ideal intercourse) is when you notice your body default to a position where your shoulders round, head juts outward, and pelvis tucks under, as Truelove told me. My shoulders are constantly rounding—to a point where that rounded position feels like a relief. My back starts to get tired if I’m holding a straighter posture. Truelove suggests it’s because my body has learned that the slouched position is my default. “Our bodies are very smart and want to conserve our energy,” she said. “Sometimes at the expense of our [long-term] comfort.”

      You’re chronically stressed
      Sitting all day isn’t the only reason your tailbone might be tucked, leading to poor posture and pelvic floor function. “A tight pelvic floor and tucked pelvis can also be a symptom of chronic stress,” Truelove emphasizes. “If you think about a dog that gets yelled at, it tucks its tail to protect its most vulnerable space, and so do we. We tuck under, clutch, and protect.” It’s wild to think about how subconsciously our body language operates, but it makes sense. Our bodies are always communicating with us. And when we are constantly stressed, our bodies constrict and create tension. “The body is more connected than you may think,” Truelove notes. “Even tension in the jaw translates to tension in your pelvic floor, too.”

      It’s hard to find a comfortable standing position
      Another, more surprising, red flag is when you notice it’s hard to find a comfortable standing position. “You may not be able to find comfortable upright positions and [as a result] are constantly looking for your next seat for relief,” Truelove says. If any of these signs makes you wince a little because they’re too real, I’m right there with you. There’s good news, though, if you (like millions of us) are tied to your desk chair all day and are operating under chronic stress, you can absolutely rectify pelvic tightness in your body. Truelove reassures that taking the time to notice and shift your habits around posture and even your breathing patterns can have a major positive impact on your sexual pleasure.

      Expert Tips To Improve Posture and Support Your Pelvic Floor
      1. Breathe into your pelvis
      “When you inhale, imagine filling a balloon that’s sitting in your pelvic bowl,” Truelove explains. By breathing in a way that feels like you’re pushing your hip bones away from each other, you’re activating and stretching the deep core muscles that support your pelvic muscles. “Most people inhale and their shoulders come toward their ears, [but] this is not deep breathing,” Truelove says. Timing yourself for just a few minutes at a time and breathing deeply into your pelvic bowl can shape your breathing habits over time.

      2. Release your glutes
      We often don’t know that we’re tightening a muscle (like clenching our jaws) when it’s an engrained habit, but taking a few minutes to check in with yourself—while you’re brushing your teeth or waiting in line somewhere—could make all the difference. “Butt tucking and tension can restrict blood flow to the pelvic floor area, (goodbye orgasms and pleasure),” Truelove warns. And although it’s a tougher habit to break, it’s doable. It’s just a matter of starting to be aware when you’re tensing up your glute muscles, and then releasing. 

      3. Go barefoot when you can
      Yes, wearing shoes may be hindering your ideal posture. “Our feet are our foundation,” Truelove explained. “What you put them in is absolutely impacting your pelvic health. Jamming your toes into narrow heels or trendy athletic shoes or even flip flops is sending tension signals to your pelvic floor that you don’t even realize.”
      If you need proof, try scrunching your toes together really hard right now. You might notice tension in your pelvic floor. Or it might feel like you’re clenching as though you’re trying to hold back some gas. It’s subtle, but it’s all connected. Does this mean it’s time to say goodbye to heels forever? Not necessarily. “Try going barefoot more often, and opt for more foot-shaped shoes,” Truelove suggests. If you’re really attached to the trendy footwear that smashes your toes a bit, try striving for balance. The danger is when those toes never get to splay.

      FYI–You Don’t Need Perfect Posture To Have Great Sex
      When I asked what kind of posture to shoot for, Truelove reminded me to manage my expectations. “Perfect posture doesn’t exist,” she said. “We are all unique and different, and life was meant to happen in all different positions.” Varying lifestyles are going to require slightly different postures to support different types of movement. “With that said, alignment is important for great breathing, pelvic floor function, and more. Problems start to arise when we get ‘stuck’ in one posture and have trouble getting into certain positions without pain or compensation.”
      The best thing to do to “enhance” your posture is to focus on aligning your spine by shaking up your habitual movement patterns. For example, “If you lead with your pelvis [while walking] and lean backward with your upper body, try to stack your pelvis under your ribcage and then your head over your shoulders,” Truelove suggests. She acknowledges that it may feel very unnatural, but that’s OK because with more awareness and practice it will all feel more natural. Our muscles can unlearn old habits with time. Discomfort in the short term will lead to major physical relief in the long run (80-year-old future you will thank you!).
      If doing it on your own feels tricky or you need a little extra support, think about setting some goals with an accountability buddy or look into programs like Truelove’s MomCORE app, which offers a one-week free trial, one-on-one coaching, and a community of women like you who are all reaching for the same goal.

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