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      25 Gifts to Ask For to Kickstart Your New Year’s Resolutions

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      Just because the holiday season isn’t exactly normal this year doesn’t mean you can throw out every goal and idea you have for 2021. Actually, I predict 2021 will be a huge year for setting new goals and resolutions—I mean if we’ll be inside, what else is there to do but crush your goals? As the holidays roll around, your parents, in-laws, significant others, and friends might be bugging you about what gifts you’re hoping to find under the tree this year. And somehow the age-old proverb exists: when someone asks what you want, every single thing you’ve even seen or heard of flies out of your head like magic. Instead of worrying about how you’ll reach all of those health and fitness goals the second the clock strikes midnight on January 1, make it a point to ask for those essential items 2021 you will need early. When it comes to fitness and health, there’s one brand that immediately comes to mind, and you’re probably picturing that iconic swoosh in your head right now too: Nike. They have everything you need for the best workouts, online yoga classes, and lounging days—and they’re perfect to add to your holiday wishlist. Most items are available up to a size 2XL (equaling a 20-22), but they also have a wide range of plus-size options available to choose from. They have tons of items available this year, so we did the hard work for you to find the best pieces. No matter what your resolutions are this year, we’ve rounded up the best items to add to your list for Santa. 

      Make outdoor winter workouts a breeze: 

      Run that 5K in no time: 

      Make self-care an everyday event:

      This post was sponsored by Nike, but all of the opinions within are those of The Everygirl editorial board. More

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      in health and weelbeing

      I’m a Black Woman and I Don’t Know How to Celebrate My Accomplishments

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      “You are your ancestors’ wildest dreams, you are the epitome of what Martin Luther King Jr. marched for,” said my friend Steven. This statement took me back for a second. I knew what he was implying with his statement, I just didn’t know how to feel about it. During that moment, I started to think about how this a common feeling I had since I graduated high school. Hearing these words brought back a lot of feelings that have plagued my mind since I started my undergraduate studies. Were my accomplishments really that powerful that I made my ancestors proud? Was I really “making my ancestors proud”? Which is a popular saying in the Black community. I always had some of my family and friends hype me up about the opportunities that I have been fortunate to have. But honestly, I always felt like I still wasn’t good enough. It sometimes felt like I was living a double life. I was successful, put-together, and happy on the outside, but on the inside I was crippled with self-doubt, anxiety, and self-pity for some of the decisions I made and how my life turned out. 
      Feeling like I “made it” gave me sorrow about Black people who would never know the feeling because they had the opportunity to live to see their full potential. Feeling like I “made it” gave me doubt about what my future held since I accomplished a lot in my early 20s. The feeling of accomplishing a goal was never an easy feeling for me. I would feel immense gratitude for how far I came, and then a rush of sadness came over me because it was a voice in my head telling me I just got lucky and one day it would not always be that way. A feeling of self-doubt would tell me that I was not worthy of the dreams I had in my head. Anxiety told me that I was only achieving my dreams because I was the token Black girl and I made white people feel comfortable. Not knowing how to celebrate my accomplishments started when I was in elementary school. 

      Were my accomplishments really that powerful that I made my ancestors proud? Was I really “making my ancestors proud”

      In elementary school, I loved reading, and my mother did too, so we would go to the library every weekend to find a good book to dive into. Reading became my safe haven from the world and let me explore life beyond the subsidized housing I lived in. I was able to put myself in someone else’s shoes for a short period of time. I was able to learn about things that “project kids” never had the chance to learn or experience. Since I loved reading, this helped me excel in school and get ahead of many of my peers. I was always praised by my parents for my good grades and excelling in different subjects in school. 

      It sometimes felt like I was living a double life. I was successful, put-together, and happy on the outside, but on the inside I was crippled with self-doubt, anxiety, and self-pity for some of the decisions I made and how my life turned out. 

      The praise and congratulations went on into high school and college. I was always made to feel like I was on top of the world. In retrospect, I have learned that this was a contributing factor to why I felt like I couldn’t slow down and appreciate my wins. I always felt like I had to achieve more, go harder, and not settle too much on what I had accomplished or the opportunities I had opened up doors for me. I always had to think 10 steps ahead, and never get too comfortable with what I had. This is a problem that not only I deal with, but the reality of what people of color, especially Black people, have to deal with. When you are a Black person—a Black woman—society and systematic oppression make you feel like you no one cares about what you accomplished and that you need to always stay on your toes. If we celebrate, there is always something in the back of our heads telling us that it could be taken away or we don’t deserve the fruit we bear because we are not worthy of hitting that “glass ceiling” (whatever that means) that we see so many non-people of color hit. 

      I always felt like I had to achieve more, go harder, and not settle too much on what I had accomplished or the opportunities I had opened up doors for me. I always had to think 10 steps ahead and never get too comfortable with what I had.

      I recently spoke to a friend of mine who expressed on social media that she always felt like she wasn’t doing a good enough job at work and the pressure she always felt at work, regardless of what her superiors told her. She said that the hardest part about being a Black woman in corporate America/non-profit is, “We aren’t afforded bad days, passion, frustration, or disappointment. Every negative emotion we may have is an attitude of aggression. We aren’t even allowed to be introverted or shy because then we are mean, stand-offish, or unapproachable. This is especially problematic in the non-profit sector because of the emphasis put on the donor opinions and experiences.”
      When Black women constantly feel this way at work, it often seeps into our personal lives. We often think our accomplishments or wins won’t matter when the dust settles because it’s always “what’s next.” We never get extended the grace to reel in what we accomplished and the life we have built for ourself. If we get the job, the house, the man, or the promotion, we always get the rebuttal of “When are you going to get a man?” or “What do you even do?” I asked my same friend, “Would you say you know how to celebrate your accomplishments? And she expressed to me it is difficult for her to acknowledge them. “Honestly it is difficult. A lot of times I look at things like ‘this is what I was supposed to do.’ This is no different than what Black women also feel in their personal lives. Society looks at us as being the “strong” one because of what they have made us endure and what we keep allowing. But when you feel like you are already a minority, you already know you have to work 20 times harder than anyone else, Black and white people included, we often feel like being strong and enduring what is thrown at us is what we are designed to do. 

      When you are a Black person—a Black woman—society and systematic oppression make you feel like you no one cares about what you accomplished and that you need to always stay on your toes. If we celebrate, there is always something in the back of our heads telling us that it could be taken away or we don’t deserve the fruit we bear because we are not worthy of hitting that “glass ceiling” (whatever that means) that we see so many non-people of color hit. 

      In most of my jobs, relationships, and friendships, I always felt like I had to know how to take pain and suffering as the first step in order to reap the rewards. As I sit back and think of what I have accomplished and how I accomplished it, it all was derived from pain. I wanted to excel in college because I know most people like me don’t get the opportunity. Pain. I moved to New York to have better opportunities and felt ostracized and dealt with systematic racism. Pain. I found one of my passions for working in Diversity and Inclusion, but if I had not attended a predominantly white graduate school and faced racism and prejudice for the majority of my days, I wouldn’t be where I am today. But it was all derived from pain and suffering that America chooses as a weapon to make Black women feel inadequate for what they want to accomplish.

      We never get extended the grace to reel in what we accomplished and the life we have built for ourself. If we get the job, the house, the man or the promotion we always get the rebuttal of “When are you going to get a man?” or “What do you even do?”

      Sometimes it’s hard to decipher whether something is right for me if I didn’t have to suffer first to get it. This is an ongoing struggle for not just Black women, but also Black people. We always work 20 times harder, we are always thinking about our next goal, what we are going to do next and if suffering or obstacles are not attached to them—it feels too good to be true. 
      Black women don’t get the same grace from a society that we give everyone else. It is a never-ending cycle that we have to go through in order for people to see our worth. Just because you think we are strong, doesn’t mean we have to always showcase that trait every day. 

      Black women don’t get the same grace from a society that we give everyone else.

      There is no right solution to make Black women feel like they don’t have to wear the weight of the world on their shoulders. It is a learned habit that America and the people who have made up their own idea of what a Black woman is before getting to learn them. It will take years and decades to untwine the idea of what a Black woman is or is not. 
      Black women deserve the same dignity, rights, protection, and grace that is given out so freely to everyone but them. In order for Black women to get the chance to heal, feel, celebrate, and accomplish their desires, society has to change the narrative that has kept Black women in a box.  More

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      in health and weelbeing

      I Tried On These 5-Star Workout Clothes from Amazon—Here Are My Thoughts

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      The world of workout apparel is pretty weird. One day you’re shopping with your mom at Dick’s Sporting Goods for shorts to wear at track practice, and all of the sudden you’re an adult being told that the absolute only pair of leggings you should ever wear cost a casual $130.I am someone who does work out a lot (queue eye roll), but I’ve never let myself join the bandwagon of paying for overpriced workout gear. If I’m spending an exorbitant of money on something I’m wearing, it’s going to be something I get to use to create a fashion moment for myself, not something I’m going to sweat through in 10 minutes. But the unfortunate truth is that when it comes to workout clothes, sometimes feeling confident is half the battle (and I wouldn’t wish leggings that are slipping down during a workout on my worst enemy).
      On the opposite end of the workout gear hype spectrum is Amazon—something I’ve never tried, but that definitely caught my interest. Thousands of reviewers leaving five-star claims can’t be wrong, right? I set out to see and tried the highest-reviewed workout pieces on Amazon (hint: you’re going to regret those $130 leggings real quick).

      While I love bike shorts on other people, I’ve never exactly loved them on me. I don’t have the longest legs in the world, and I usually feel like they make me look shorter and stockier than I am, but these are definitely the best I’ve found. They don’t create a weird bulge where they end (which some with really tight seams have done on me) and are super comfortable and the perfect amount of high-waisted. 
      This long-sleeved crop top is something I’d wear both to work out and in my normal life as athleisure. It’s perfect for a cool all-black moment and isn’t super thin but isn’t as thick as a sweatshirt material either. Sometimes you don’t want something super tight on your torso, and that fits that bill while still feeling like you’re in something you’re meant to work out in.

      This. sports. bra. Holy cow. I’ve never tried on anything quite like it, and when I put it on, I spent some time just admiring it from all angles in the mirror. It’s that sweet spot of length where it feels like it could be worn as a top on it’s on, the back is criss-crossy and amazingly cool, and it’s super, super supportive. This is one worth buying in a few colors and living in both while you’re working out and when you’re not. I cannot say enough good things about this bra.
      These leggings, in my opinion, are really good for lounging, but not so much for sweating in. They’re a bit thicker material, and when I worked out in them, I didn’t like how they felt clung to my body. But everyone needs a perfect, warm black pair of leggings for winter, and they could fit that bill perfectly.

      If you’re planning on walking or running outside for exercise this winter, you need these shirts. It was cold in Chicago last week, and I needed something to layer under my jacket and realized I, in fact, had nothing. This top is so unbelievably warm but doesn’t cling to your body in weird ways like some dry-fit materials do. They look just like a plain long-sleeve tee, but there’s nothing wrong with that when you’re just dressing for warmth.

      These leggings were the thing I was the most excited to try; I’ve seen these leggings everywhere this year with people swearing they’re their favorite leggings. They come in a ton of colors, and while I probably would have been boring and ordered black, those were going to take two weeks to ship, so I was convinced that it was a sign to order these fun wine-colored ones.
      These leggings are, in a word, incredible. They are thin and moisture-wicking but stay put and hug you in just the right amount. They’re seamless and feel like nothing is on your body in the best way possible. These are a 10/10.
      This workout top is nothing super out-of-the-box, but it’s uber-flattering and is perfect if you don’t want a dry-fit material in your tops (sometimes I don’t). Both of these are things I’d reach for before anything else in my athleticwear wardrobe.

      If you are someone who needs a high-impact sports bra, you have met your match. When I say that my boobs stay completely still in this, I absolutely mean it. There is no bouncing or discomfort, but it also doesn’t have me sucked in so tight that I’m uncomfortable. The back is also super fun, which brings a little something extra to it.
      I’ve found that high-impact sports bras are particularly hard to find—for whatever reason, I feel like most are meant for medium-impact—but this one is something I’ve been looking for for a really long time.

        I predict that this winter is going to be filled with lots of yoga since we’ll be stuck inside and won’t always have other activities we can do. This yoga top is so necessary—it’s lightweight, soft, and breathable. If you don’t think you need special clothes for yoga, I’ll say this: neither did I until I got this.

        More

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      5 Ways to Get Your Heart Rate Up Indoors This Winter

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      I’m about to say something that makes me sound incredibly annoying: I absolutely love cardio. I ran track in middle and high school, and I get such a high from a hard run or a long spin class. In college, I tried to replicate the feeling with more ~trendy~ workouts like expensive barre or yoga classes—until I finally realized the key to my almighty endorphin high: I love getting my heart rate up and my breathing ragged, in a way that I just don’t feel can be accomplished with small, tight, more stationary movements. While I do love a relaxing yoga flow or the shaky burn of barre technique (and I do incorporate them into my routine as well!), cardio has historically been the most mentally beneficial for me.We are, however, in a global pandemic—and that (combined with the chilly weather) does not bode well for my workout preferences. While I have thus far been able to step outside and go for masked runs, it can feel disheartening to wonder how exactly you can get in a good workout while in the confines of your own home.
      Thankfully, I’ve done the work for you—and am now sharing how you too can get your heart thumping and your lungs pounding, even while stuck inside.

      Source: Obé Fitness

      1. A HIIT class that will make you forget you’re in your own home, not in a studio
      HIIT (which stands for high-intensity interval training) essentially reminds me of my high school volleyball practices—short intervals of various exercises and drills, designed to build endurance, get your heart rate up, and build muscle. I love the virtual HIIT classes from obé fitness for a few reasons: they’re nice and short (some as short as 10 minutes, but many come in at 28 minutes), they require little to no equipment (and any suggested equipment is completely optional), and they’re genuinely SO fun.

      The word “intensity” in the name sounds intimidating, but a HIIT class moves from exercise to exercise so quickly that there’s simply no time to get scared (or bored!). If you’re looking to quickly amp up your heart rate while also clearing your mind and gaining some energy and positivity to carry through the rest of your day, this is the move.

      Source: Colorjoy Stock

      2. Jumping jack breaks to spice things up
      No time to carve out a long workout? No problem. One of my favorite hacks for getting in some active minutes (I’m obsessed with closing my Apple Watch rings) is to take periodic jumping jack breaks at different times. If you’re trying to stay fired up throughout the day, you could challenge yourself to do 50 jumping jacks every hour, on the hour. You could do 100 jumping jacks right when you wake up or while waiting for your coffee to brew. Or, if you’re really feeling creative, you can challenge yourself to complete jumping jacks for the entire commercial break of your favorite show (or, for my fellow Netflix lovers, you could actually watch the intro song instead of skipping it, then spend that whole time jumping). I swear these little breaks give way more energy than they take away!

      Source: Urban Outfitters

      3. Pretending you’re out with your friends and dancing the night away
      There’s a bar near my apartment that has a sign outside that says “Mask up so we can dance again,” and it makes my heart clench every time I see it. I’m not afraid to say it: I MISS DANCING IN BARS. Until I can get back on those sticky dance floors (ew, why did I say that), I’ll instead crank up the One Direction and dance in my living room. Whether it’s for one song or an entire playlist (try this one), the simple act of letting loose and busting a move will put some pep in your step and a smile on your face. 
      Not one to cut a rug alone? No problem! I love the dance cardio classes from obé fitness, which teach you choreography while sneaking in some classic moves (high knees, anyone?). At first, they may cause you to feel completely uncoordinated—but the inclusive virtual atmosphere at obé can help anyone feel comfortable (even as comfortable as I feel with a drink in my hand and my party Vans on my feet!).
      Bonus: Get 50% off your first month of obé fitness (after a 7-day free trial!) with code TEG50.

      Source: Danielle Moss

      4. Who needs a treadmill when you have stairs?
      Yes, I’m telling you to take the stairs instead of the elevator when grabbing your mail or walking your dog—but I’m also reminding you that the stairs in your home can serve as a super valuable workout tool. Just as I used to run stairs in high school for agility and endurance training, the stairs in your home or apartment building can function in the same way. Whether it’s a few quick up-and-downs while your dinner’s in the microwave or a full-fledged workout (try running up and walking down as many times as you can, then see if you can get more day after day), the elevation difference adds an element to your workout that feels plenty different from running in place at home (because let’s face it, that would be deeply boring).

      Source: sirtravelalot | Shutterstock

      5. Sex is a workout!
      I’m not saying that having sex is a substitute for a good old-fashioned workout—but I am saying that it’s a simple way to get your heart rate up and release some oxytocin (and, frankly, can be a much more fun way to spend a lunch break than a run around the block). If you and your quarantine buddy are both looking to consensually and safely turn up the heat, sex can be a great way to move your body while stuck at home. (Bonus: Working out together can be excellent foreplay—so try a sexy dance class first, then move it to the bedroom!). Check this out for some of our best quarantine-friendly sex tips, and for those going solo, check THIS out for your new favorite quarantine sex toy.

      This post is sponsored by obé, but all of the opinions within are those of The Everygirl editorial board. More

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      48 Hours Only: Our Favorite Wellness Gifts Are 30% off

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      It isn’t news that we love CBD around here. Whether it’s to calm the Sunday scaries, relieve sore muscles, soothe period cramps, and more, we’ve pretty much all added CBD to our daily routines in one way or another. The only problem is that CBD can get a little expensive, especially if you’re choosing a high-quality formula. But no fear this holiday season, our favorite CBD from Equilibria is on a major sale right now! *EEP!* For the next two days, Equilibria is offering 30 percent off your entire order when you purchase a holiday set. Snag a set for yourself and one for a loved one (we’ve personally found moms, brothers-in-law, neighbors, best friends, and caregivers to love it!), and you’ll already have some of your holiday shopping done in one fell swoop. If you’ve had your eye on a holiday set or wanted to try Equilibria on a budget, now’s your time to shop! New to CBD? Here are our editors’ favorites and how we use them. 

      when you purchase a holiday set

      Holiday Sets
      Source: Equilibria

      Equilibria
      Season of Intention Gift Set, $132

      $244 value
      What’s included:- Mindful Mineral Soak, 200MG/8OZ- Daily Softgels, 10MG/30CT- Cranberry Elderflower Daily Drops, 300mg/30ML (Limited Edition)- NEW! Daily Treatment Oil for Face + Body, 500mg/1OZ- Exclusive artist-designed holiday pouch- 5% of sale benefits Black Girl Ventures

      Equilibria
      Joy of Sleep Gift Set, $90

      $176 value
      What’s included:- Spiced Bergamot Daily Drops, 300MG/30ML (Limited Edition)- Daily Softgels, 10MG/30CT- Mindful Mineral Soak, 200MG/8OZ- Luxury Sleep Mask- Exclusive artist-designed holiday pouch- 5% of sale benefits Black Girl Ventures

      Equilibria
      Comfort of Calm Gift Set, $69

      $152 value
      What’s included:- Mindful Mineral Soak, 200MG/8OZ- Relief Cream, 500MG/1OZ- NEW! Daily Treatment Oil for Face + Body, 250MG/0.5OZ- Exclusive artist-designed holiday pouch- 5% of sale benefits Black Girl Ventures

      Equilibria
      Peace of Mind Gift Set, $55

      $128 value
      What’s included:- Cranberry Elderflower Daily Drops, 300MG/30ML (Limited Edition)- Dynamic Roller Duo, 75MG/10ML/Roller (Calming/Energizing)- Exclusive artist-designed holiday pouch- 5% of sale benefits Black Girl Ventures

      Editors’ Favorites:
      Source: Equilibria More

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      10 Things to Do This Week for a Healthier Relationship

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      Many people spend so much time looking for that “spark” or feel like it’s Happily Ever After once they’ve found The One, that they forget a relationship doesn’t just sustain itself; it needs work, like any worthwhile achievement in your life. If the word “work” is enough to get you sweating RN, don’t panic. The good thing about relationship work is that it should be enjoyable, fulfilling, and worthwhile when you’re with the right person. Since we’re all busy, stressed, anxious, and probably can’t think beyond seven days from now (nope, just me?), here are 10 simple things you can do today to have a healthier relationship by the end of the week: 
      1. Do one thing you did when you were first dating
      There’s a lot of perks to a brand new relationship: butterflies, long conversations getting to know each other, can’t-keep-hands-off-each-other chemistry. And then there are the perks of a long-term relationship: feeling comfortable and secure, always having a plus-one, and never having to shave your legs. What if I told you that you could bring back some pros of the beginning of your relationship? Think back on the routines you and your partner had at the beginning. Maybe you gave more compliments, dressed up to impress them, or went on more creative dates than takeout and Disney+. This week, try to bring back at least one of those rituals, jokes, or dates to spark the long conversations, butterflies, and chemistry you had at the beginning. 

      Source: @taylranne

      2. Talk about money
      It is probably the most unromantic topic, but relationship experts agree that money issues are one of the leading causes of divorce. Normalizing the money talk and getting on the same page early on can not only prevent finances from becoming an issue in the future, but it can also strengthen your trust and intimacy. While it may not be something you look forward to, schedule a time to go through and pay bills together or have a conversation about saving up for a house or dividing up pet expenses. If you’re in a newer relationship and don’t have any shared responsibilities or finances, you can still have the money talk by chatting about your individual money goals and spending habits. 

      3. Ask “how was your day?” every day
      One of the simplest and most important things you could do to improve your relationship is to ask your partner, “how was your day?” and actually care about the answer, rather than letting the question become routine. Perfect the art of conversation: know how to make your partner feel heard, ask follow-up questions instead of just listening to what they have to say, and share your opinions or thoughts (only) once they’re done sharing with you. When your partner feels like you care about more than you have to and want to be a part of everything they do, it subconsciously creates a new level of teamwork, love, and intimacy. 

      4. Practice giving (and receiving) constructive criticism
      If you’re in a healthy relationship, you should both feel safe and accepted. And if you feel safe and accepted, it’s probably easier for you to receive constructive criticism than in other friendships or familial relationships. The point of constructive criticism is that you’re working as a team and covering each other’s blind spots to become your best relationship and best selves. It’s the cliché that two heads are better than one, and giving supportive input builds trust, care, and teamwork.
      Give your partner a suggestion on how they can improve their work presentation, or let them know they should call their sister more often. Likewise, ask them how you can improve a project at work or how they would handle a situation with a friend differently. What’s not OK? Criticizing what your partner cannot change, like their personality traits or needs. If you’re worried about constructive criticism (or it turns into an argument), either you’re going about it more critical than constructive, or your relationship might need some more growth. 

      Source: @babybaileymamadrama

      5. Schedule sex
      Yes, really. While many people think that scheduling sex takes the spark away and turns it into a chore, if you’ve ever been in an LTR, you know that spontaneous sex just doesn’t happen with a busy schedule, putting kids to bed, or working late every night. And even if it does, it still feels like a chore (let’s hurry up, we’re waking up in five hours!). Just as you schedule workouts and meetings, scheduling sex is another way to stay connected and prioritize intimacy. Plus, it ups the anticipation when you know it’s coming, and you might even want to “remind” your partner throughout the day for some bonus romance points (not my fault if they have a hard time concentrating at work!). 

      6. Look at arguments as if you’re a third party
      The OG love life hack, called “The Marriage Hack,” became a viral sensation for a reason. Essentially, the fancy term means viewing conflicts and disagreements through the eyes of a third party who wants the best for all involved and realizing the obstacles each person faces when trying to think from a different perspective. This method lessens the emotions of a situation by reframing it in a way that allows you to not only understand your partner, but how to solve the problem. It’s like DIY couples therapy! Whether you’re in a marriage or a brand new relationship, the Marriage Hack can help reframe how you communicate and resolve arguments. 

      7. Read together
      You know that final scene in Notting Hill where Hugh Grant is reading a very intelligent-looking novel on a park bench while a gorgeously pregnant Julia Roberts lays on his lap and watches kids play (oh yeah, and they’re holding hands)? It’s rom-com gold, yes, but it’s also a scene I think about often. Even though they were spending time together, they must have had such interesting things to talk about afterward: what Hugh read about or what Julia saw while watching kids play. Whether you read the same book separately or read at the same time to “spend time together without actually spending time together,” à la Hugh and Julia, reading stimulates meaningful conversation and a deeper bond.
      Especially if you’ve been quarantined together with nothing to talk about except for which Netflix show to watch next, the novel you’ve been dying to read or your partner’s favorite book from college will form a closer connection and create exciting conversation. Bonus: it’s way easier to get the book club together when it’s just you and your significant other.

      Source: @missenocha

      8. Have a check-in
      While it may sound cheesy, couples who have regular check-ins are typically more in-tune and better at communicating. Think about it: you have a check-up with your doctor to keep your body healthy, so you need a check-in with your significant other to keep your relationship healthy. Schedule a time where you’re both free from work or the kids are occupied, and check in with how the other is feeling with different aspects of the relationship. Cover topics like workload and housework (and whether or not you feel like they’re being equally shared), if you’re satisfied with how the other one is expressing love languages, and one thing the other person can do this week to make you feel more loved in your relationship or happy in your life. 

      9. Apologize before you “need” to
      I have a lot of personal problems with the classic romance film, Love Story, #1 being that no, love does not mean never having to say you’re sorry. Love means saying you’re sorry a lot because you care about your loved one’s feelings more than you care about being right. FYI, apologizing whole-heartedly means acknowledging the other person’s feelings, taking ownership, and then offering a solution to ensure you’ll never do it again (yes, I do remind my boyfriend quite often that this is what an apology is supposed to look like). To make your relationship healthier by the end of the week (it’s that effective!), apologize whole-heartedly before you even need to, meaning before your partner is looking for an apology.
      Think of ways you recently could have been a better partner but fell short. Say, “I’m sorry I haven’t done my fair share of the chores this week,” or “I’m sorry I haven’t been a good listener lately.” Even if your significant other has not acknowledged it, let them know that you’re prioritizing their feelings without them asking. Bringing “I’m sorry” into more than just arguments will strengthen your bond because not only will you start noticing what your significant other needs before they have to ask (or fight), but it will allow your partner to feel seen, appreciated, and cared for. 

      10. Celebrate something
      Even if there’s not an anniversary or birthday coming up, your relationship deserves a good celebration (2020 is almost over–need I say more?). Relationships can feel mundane when you’re going through everyday routines without stopping to acknowledge where you are or how far you have come. Take some time this week to celebrate a work promotion, a monthiversary like you used to do back in the day (double points for #1), or just to celebrate your lives together. No matter your reason, popping some champagne, cooking your favorite meal, or making a normal night feel special will help you feel gratitude for the person you get to celebrate life with. Cheers! 

      What do you do to keep your relationship healthy? More

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      Stressed? Try These 10 Simple Things

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      In 2020, it seems like the #1 factor we all have in common is stress. Especially as women, we’re always doing it all (whatever “it all” means): making time for loved ones, working full-time jobs, creating side hustles, and helping those in need while we’re at it. Throw in a terrifying election, global pandemic, and the upcoming holiday season, and chronic stress feels more like normalcy.Even though mandatory isolation might have made you feel otherwise, you are not alone. Whether it’s scheduling an appointment with a therapist or utilizing online resources (some of our favorites are Talkspace, BetterHelp, and Therapy for Black Girls), you can take action to lower stress levels. In the meantime, here are 10 simple ways you can feel OK right now, even if nothing else does.

      1. Be mindful about your mornings
      Waking up in itself is a stressful experience. Even if you don’t have the snooze-twice-while-getting-up-at-the-crack-of-dawn routine and actually wake up well-rested, our minds go straight to all the things we need to accomplish that day. Put off the mental to-do lists with a stress-relieving morning routine as a non-negotiable way to start your day. Don’t check your phone or email until you’ve gone through a skincare routine, meditation, gratitude journaling, or at least brewing a cup of coffee, and fill the 30 minutes after you wake up with rituals and routines that you’ll look forward to.
      If you don’t have the time or luxury to fit in 30 minutes of you-time (because of an early start-time or kids that wake you up), even just spending one minute lying in bed and telling yourself it’s going to be a good day can help. Bottom line: be mindful about your mornings, and the rest of the day will feel more manageable as well. 

      Source: @mylittlebooktique

      2. Schedule multiple one-minute breaks in your day
      Even if you feel energized, calm, and motivated until that afternoon slump, we often don’t realize the stress that accumulates starting first thing the morning. To keep stress from building up, schedule one-minute breaks throughout the day. Whether it’s on the hour, every 20 minutes, or after each important task you complete on your to-do list, just taking 60 seconds to close your eyes and take deep breaths can be enough to let go of the stress and tension that piles up throughout your day. Better yet, visualize the stress leaving your body, relax your shoulders (and other tension areas), or repeat a mantra while taking your one-minute break.  

      3. Light a candle
      That’s right: your stock of pumpkin spice candles is not only good for girls’ nights in. Diffusing essential oils or burning a candle will invigorate your senses, and anything that sparks your senses can help keep your mind more grounded and connected to your body. Plus, according to aromatherapy, scents like rosemary, lavender, peppermint, ylang-ylang, and lemon can help with stress relief, so look for one of these scents in essential oil form to diffuse or smell from the bottle for instant relaxation, or find candles with notes of lavender or peppermint to light throughout the day. 

      Source: @citychicdecor

      4. Make a list of the top 10 sources of stress
      Many people avoid facing their stress, or sweep it under the rug until it comes out in moments that wouldn’t typically cause high-stress, like your roommate leaving dishes in the sink or your boss scheduling an extra meeting. Spend a few minutes identifying and writing down the top 10 sources of stress in your life. Once you know where your stress is coming from, you’ll be able to find solutions. You can even go so far as to take your #1 stressor and come up with five things you can do right now that can minimize it (and then do them). If you find that some of your stressors aren’t solvable, you can begin to accept what cannot be changed. Even accepting life circumstances as they are can help ease stress, even if you cannot necessarily fix them. 

      5. Take a walk
      Being active and exercising has been shown to significantly reduce stress, and the easiest way to be more active throughout the day is to go on more walks. Looks like your Fitbit was onto something: getting in your steps has many physical and mental health benefits. Plus, it’s not only good for your stress levels, but it’s enjoyable and easy to fit into a busy schedule (so another thing on your to-do list won’t cause you more stress). Whether you schedule a walk on your lunch break or walk around the block whenever you start to feel stress levels rise, cue up a podcast, grab a warm jacket, and get outside for an instant stress-reliever. 

      6. Drink less coffee (or switch to decaf)
      Your morning cup of coffee might be a non-negotiable for feeling like a normal human before 9am, or an afternoon latte might help you push through that slump, but bad news: it might also be affecting your stress. Everyone has varying thresholds for how much caffeine they can tolerate, so while coffee is beneficial for some people,  it can increase stress and anxiety for others by stimulating the fight-or-flight hormone associated with increased energy. If you notice that caffeine makes you jittery or anxious, consider cutting back or sticking with decaf. If you’re not sure because coffee is such a daily ritual, try going a day or two without any caffeine to see if you notice any difference in stress levels. 

      Source: @demidiamandis

      7. Meditation
      I feel like the word “meditation” is so overused in the wellness space that it has become the all-encompassing go-to for any ailment or wellness woe. But just because you may hear about it everywhere doesn’t mean you should disregard it. Deepak Chopra, MD often talks about “equanimity,” or the ability to stay calm in chaos. It’s basically a fancy way of saying stress levels stay low, even when the exterior factors are stressful (like a busy work week, terrifying election, or a global pandemic).
      The goal of meditation is, in fact, to find peace, even in stressful situations. Just because a lot is going on externally does not mean it has to affect our internal state. Meditation gives us the tools to do this because it helps us act with intention, rather than impulse. Whether it’s in the morning, at night, or during the day, start up a meditation practice so stressful situations don’t affect your personal stress. 

      8. Say “no” when you mean “no”
      Sure, not all stressors are under your control, but many are. Reassess where you’re dealing with avoidable stressors. For example, have you helped a coworker finish their project and are therefore pushed on time to complete your to-do list? Good for you for being a selfless employee, but you’re not helping the company if you’re spreading yourself too thin. Tell the coworker what time works best for you, rather than dropping everything for the time that works for them, or say you’re pressed for time and suggest another coworker or intern that would have more time. That also goes for babysitting your neighbor’s cat while they’re away or making plans with friends when you really want a night at home. Learn to say “no” when you mean “no,” and cut out unnecessary tasks from your to-do list.

      Source: @taylranne

      9. At bedtime, think of all the things that went right that day
      Our minds are good at focusing on what we didn’t accomplish, what went wrong during the day, or what we have to get done tomorrow. While that’s great for keeping your work schedule organized, it’s awful for stress and anxiety (and often prevents us from getting a good night’s sleep). Counteract the thought process that most of us have before bed by making a mental list of all the things that went right that day. Maybe you accomplished a difficult task, finally finished the project that’s been taking you forever, or got a compliment from your boss. Or maybe you just got through the day, and that’s an accomplishment enough. Bottom line, take time before you fall asleep to make a mental list of all the things that went right that day, rather than focusing on what went wrong or what you have to do tomorrow. 

      10. Take physical action
      We’re about to get technical here: the “Cognitive-Behavioral Triangle” is a very easy-to-understand diagram, with thoughts, emotions, and behavior at each of the points. The diagram demonstrates that each point of the triangle connects to all the other points (you took elementary geometry, right?). How we think affects how we feel and what we do, but this pattern can work in reverse too. That means that certain actions will affect thoughts and feelings.
      Breathing techniques or relaxing the shoulders are physical actions that signal to the brain that everything is fine. Sometimes, the mind can be hard to control (when I’m really stressed, I cannot always reason myself out of it), but one point of the triangle will affect the others. If you find your stress is hard to control or reason out of, start with physical actions. Try breathing techniques, improving your posture, exercise, or yoga poses. 

      What simple things do you go-to when you’re stressed? More

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      in beauty and fashion

      How My Hair Shaped My Identity

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      One of my favorite things about my look is my pixie cut. If you asked me to describe it, I would say: short, edgy, and professional. As a disabled woman, it’s effortless and time-effective. I have the advantage of waking up and not having to brush my hair if my bedhead isn’t too visible. Some days I add a little style, but I love having a hairstyle where it’s easy to manage. My ultimate hair goal, however, is to shave my head and have a buzzcut. Jazzmyne Jay, a BuzzFeed content creator, is my inspiration; she’s given me the courage to experiment with fashion. I’ve wanted to do it for a while; I’ve just been waiting for the right time.
      Honestly, I’ve been waiting for an accepting work environment. I want to work in an environment where diversity is valued, where there is an open-mindedness to individuals who have disabilities and endure mental illness, and where there are strong core values and beliefs; where these things are instilled in the company. In the past few years, I’ve been trying to live intentionally. I’ve always been authentic in who I am, but I’ve tried to be more intentional these last few years with everything that I’ve been through. It’s hard to go into spaces where you are accepted, however, you feel that you still have to hold back a part of your identity, or when you have to hide your entire identity because you are not sure of the reaction, especially in this political climate where you’re often discriminated against for being LGBTQ+. 

      In the past few years, I’ve been trying to live intentionally. I’ve always been authentic in who I am, but I’ve tried to be more intentional these last few years with everything that I’ve been through.

      Chopping off all your hair is a way for you to start afresh and emerge a new person. I feel rejuvenated and on lighter feet after every cut. My hair wasn’t weighing me down anymore. Look at it this way: it’s like when a caterpillar becomes a butterfly. Each haircut is as if I’m escaping from all of the anxiety and the depression that has happened since the last haircut to start a new season.
      Society pushes many stereotypes about the short-haired woman: she’s damaged, she’s aggressive, she’s manly, she must be a lesbian. As a society, we attach so many parts of a person’s identity to their hair: their sexuality, history, gender, and even personality, and when women have short hair, people tend to think of that as almost being political. She’s making a statement. Long hair is depicted as feminine and beautiful, whereas short hair is not. 

      Look at it this way: it’s like when a caterpillar becomes a butterfly. Each haircut is as if I’m escaping from all of the anxiety and the depression that has happened since the last haircut to start a new season.

      As an individual with a disability (I have cerebral palsy and hemiplegia), I do not have the use of my right arm. Because of this, I have difficulty styling my hair, and what began as a move for more independence became a move for self-expression. I had long hair up until college, when I started getting pixie cuts. In high school, I’d had to ask my family to help me style my hair (ponytails, braids, etc.). On my own, I could get at best pin the bangs out of my face. Disabled women’s hair is just seen as yet another inconvenience in terms of independence, and at times we aren’t even given a choice around our hair length and style.
      When I attempted to pull my hair into a ponytail by myself, I ultimately failed. I had to deal with loose long hair in all weather and environments. I loved my long hair, and it was beautiful, but it was a source of inconvenience and discomfort. I’m never going to fit into a box. I’m never going to fit under a label; I’m never going to be anything anybody wants me to be, I’m always evolving. I’m all about breaking boundaries. Breaking barriers, breaking labels, and allowing myself to be free.
      And that’s what my short hair is to me. More