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      How My Husband and I Reconciled Our Spending Differences

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      One of the first things my husband and I bonded over when we met was that as children we both had a peculiar habit. While playing video games, we both refused to spend any of the “money” we earned while playing. Even if the video game currency was there to help win the game or unlock special features, we held onto our virtual cash. We were fun children.We met very young, and for many years, our spending habits were in sync. As cash-strapped college students, we worked hard and we saved our money for a rainy day. We never knew when we would need money to help pay for school, cars, or living expenses, so we didn’t spend any of it. Our idea of a wild Friday night was a Blockbuster movie on the couch. (That gives you an idea of how long ago we met.) Why the movie love? We could afford to go out to dinner, but we were more comfortable not spending the money. We had a financial routine and it worked well. But when you least expect it, life throws you a curveball.

      When the friction started
      For over five years, we were in perfect financial harmony. But a funny thing happened: we grew up. And we grew in different, albeit both good, directions. He started graduate school and I jumped right into the working world. His grad school stipend paid his bills and left a little money to add to savings every month. I wasn’t bringing in the big bucks, but my entry-level salary felt hefty compared to what I was making babysitting in college. Within a few months, I began freelance writing on the side and had even more cashflow coming in.
      I was working 60 hour weeks and I was ready to treat myself. The occasional happy hour here, a new blouse there. As my income rose, so did my spending habits. I was never spending more than I could afford to and I was saving money every month. But I can see how from my husband’s perspective it felt like my spending habits were changing drastically.
      To this day, I consider myself to be thrifty. I only buy clothing on sale (and rarely at that). I don’t spend money on entertainment like Netflix or concerts, and I skip pricey beauty treatments like manicures or highlights. But I’m not as thrifty as my husband, which caused some frustrations as we adjusted to our new financial reality. 

      How we make it work

      We still had the same financial goals and saw eye-to-eye on many areas of our financial life. But we knew there were some kinks to iron out if we wanted to live harmoniously.

      Finding common ground
      One of our biggest recurring money fights revolved around the fact that after college I wanted to travel. I didn’t travel at all during school and worked every spring break, summer, and winter holiday. Because I was making extra money freelancing, it felt like it was my moment to hit the road. Unfortunately, my husband didn’t feel the same way. He was doing his best to get through grad school in one piece, and on a modest stipend. There came a point where we decided that it would be best if I traveled without him (this was before we married). Well long story short, that plan lasted one trip before an opportunity for us to travel together arose. An opportunity that was too good to pass up. And guess who learned he loved to travel, and that it was worth every penny? Yep, you guessed right.
      Now that we both know for certain we are passionate about traveling, we never disagree about spending money on a dream trip. We learned from this conflict, that before rejecting any experiences because of the cost, we should be open to trying them first.

      Respecting our differences
      My frugal husband sure comes in handy sometimes. (Hello, hefty savings account and emergency fund.) But I get frustrated when he is too slow to make a necessary purchase because he’s debating the cost. Even if he knows he is going to buy that new pack of phone chargers, he’ll wait a week or two to wrap his head around the purchase. I don’t hesitate before buying a true necessity. It’s not like I want to spend my hard-earned money on a water filtration pitcher, but what can you do? Now, even if I am itching to cross a purchase off my to-do list, I patiently wait until he is comfortable spending the money. That doesn’t mean I’m not annoyed by this habit at times. But the fact of the matter is, it doesn’t harm anyone and it makes him feel more comfortable.

      Planning
      Something that makes both of us more comfortable with each other’s financial decisions is planning together. We discuss everything in detail, with no topic off limits. We debate how career choices may affect our finances down the road, think carefully about retirement planning, and we have financial plans for what we will do in an emergency. Keeping each other informed of the financial moves we’re making, whether we approve of the decision or not, means neither of us feel like we’re left in the dark or purposely misled. No secrets and no guilt for us, thank you very much!

      Have you ever reconciled financial differences in a romantic relationship? More

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      11 Health Hacks to Get You Through the Holidays Enjoyably

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      The holidays are a time for celebration, family, and an excessive amount of eggnog. For many people, they’re also a time of dread because busy days, holiday meals, and lots and lots of sugar are not necessarily a recipe for health. Maybe you get food-guilt and anxiety about over-indulging, or maybe you feel sick, lethargic, and all-around worse in your body because healthy habits go out the window with the Thanksgiving leftovers. Because the holidays should be merry and bright (not guilt-ridden or lethargic), here are 11 health hacks that will help you feel your very best through every turkey dinner and cup of hot chocolate.PSA: the following list is not intended to be used to “earn” indulgences, “make up for” extra Christmas cookies, or prevent “holiday weight gain.” The holidays should be enjoyed to the fullest, and that includes the foods and traditions you love. You don’t need to earn or make up for; instead, just enjoy. These health hacks are intended to be used in addition to savoring all the wonderful traditions that come this time of year. Instead of resisting, stopping, or shaming, the goal is to help you feel your very best so you can optimally enjoy the most wonderful time of year with the people you love most. Read on for hacks that do exactly that:

      Source: Wait, You Need This

      1. Set intentions based on what makes you feel good
      New routines or a crazy season might mean we forego our regular healthy habits. It’s absolutely OK to pause some of your rituals, workouts, or routines as your daily schedule changes and you’re trying to enjoy the holidays. However, to feel as good as possible, plan ahead by identifying a couple of things that make you feel your very best. Whether it’s getting in a meditation every morning or going for a jog three times a week, identify your non-negotiables and then prioritize them, no matter what. Keeping up with only a couple of crucial rituals and routines will be much more manageable than hoping to keep every habit. More importantly, it will help you feel better throughout the season.
      Also, set limits based on how you feel, not what you think you’re supposed to do. For example, limiting yourself to “no dessert” can lead to a deprivation mentality, binge eating, and a negative relationship with food. But if you know that you start feeling nauseous around the second or third Christmas cookie, or eating the entire wheel of brie on the cheese board makes you feel uncomfortably sluggish (I’ve been there), set intentions by enjoying one or two cookies and only as much brie as you’re actually enjoying until you start mindlessly devouring (again, I’ve been there). Know your limits based on how they make your body feel, and set intentions to keep up healthy habits that are important to you.

      2. Load up on veggies first
      There’s a good reason restaurants offer the salad course first: sure, it’s a lighter course, but it’s also typically the most nutritious (whether or not that is the restaurant’s reasoning, IDK). Even though we’re not eating out, stick to the salad-first mentality to make sure you get the nutrients that make you feel good. If your meal is more buffet-style (or you’re cooking for one and a salad feels excessive), eat the Brussels sprouts side or the sautéed carrots first before diving into the rest of the meal.
      It’s actually not better for you to show up to a holiday meal super hungry with your turkey pants on. When we’re starving, we eat quicker, enjoy less mindfully, and over-stuff ourselves, so eat some veggies as a pre-dinner snack. Eating veggies first ensures you can enjoy any foods you want, but you’re still getting in the nutrients your body needs. Plus, you’ll eat less of the stuff that doesn’t make you feel good (because you’ll be filled up by the good-for-you veggies, not from a place of deprivation). 

      Source: Not Your Standard

      3. Get up and move in the morning
      It’s all too easy to lay around in pajamas, sip on hot chocolate, and binge Christmas movies until nightfall every day from now until January 1. While that does sound like an ideal day, getting in a little bit of movement can boost energy, motivation, and mental health. Fitting it in first thing in the morning means you won’t have to interrupt your Christmas movie binge to go on a jog or do a yoga flow (and let’s be honest: after a few movies in, the chance of stopping goes way down). 
      FYI, I do not mean attempting a two-hour HIIT class as a means to make up for what you ate the night before or plan to indulge in that day. That’s not how the body works, and it’s also unnecessary. Go on a run or a do full workout if it makes you feel better and your body is craving movement, but if you’re feeling sluggish and lethargic like the rest of us during holiday break (especially following big meals), a walk or some stretches does the trick. The goal is to prioritize movement to make you feel like your best, happiest self, not as a means for calorie burn.

      4. Try healthier versions of your favorite holiday foods
      PSA: you don’t have to stick to the exact mashed potatoes recipe you make every year or buy frozen pie crusts instead of DIYing your own. When planning holiday meals, opt for homemade over processed foods (yes, buying from a local bakery or takeout from a healthier restaurant counts for you non-chefs), but also identify where you can add more nutrients into the foods you love. Start by trying these plant-based recipes for every comfort food craving or healthier versions of holiday go-to’s like pumpkin pie and green bean casserole. If you’re not ready to try a new recipe, small swaps will make a difference. For example, replacing conventional butter with organic butter reduces some of the added chemicals and toxins, and adding chopped spinach to a pasta sauce can boost nutrients. Healthy cooking doesn’t have to sacrifice taste, and eating healthier does not have to mean you forego your favorite foods.

      Source: Love and Lemons

      5. Eat healthy fats
      Dry skin woes, rejoice! The perpetual battle between your beauty goals and dry winter climate (read: endless sheet masks, intense oils, and every serum on your skincare shelf) doesn’t have to be so difficult. The one factor in seasonal cracked skin that you may have been missing is what you can be eating to help. Both dermatologist Dr. Whitney Bowe and nutritionist Kimberly Snyder told Coveteur that healthy fats like avocado, omega-3 fatty acids, and coconut oil are essential for skin health and increasing hydration. Brianne Thornton, a registered dietitian, agreed, explaining to U.S. News & World Report that omega-3 fatty acids keep water from escaping the skin. Eat foods like walnuts, chia seeds, flax, and salmon to get your omega-3s and load up on other healthy fats like avocado, olive oil, and nuts and seeds to get a variety of health benefits. Helping dry winter skin will just be a much-welcomed bonus. 

      6. Drink more water
      Speaking of hydration, drinking water seems to be the cure-all for everything, and with good reason. Staying hydrated can improve energy levels, relieve digestive discomfort like constipation, and overall help you feel your best. Just because it’s not hot outside doesn’t mean we need less water, but we often forget to stay hydrated it’s cold out. I get it–you’d rather drink hot chocolate than a glass of good old fashioned water, but your body needs proper hydration to operate at its best. Especially if you’re feeling hungover (whether it’s a food hangover or a real hangover, because they both happen often during this time of year), drink lots of water to ensure your body is hydrated at all times. Try drinking a big glass before your first cup of coffee in the morning and sipping on tea or warm lemon water throughout the day for a hydrating refreshment that will also keep you warm. 

      Source: @trulyjamie

      7. Stick to your regular sleep schedule
      I don’t know about you, but a lot of sleep is a given for my holiday breaks. I’m back in my childhood room, I’m wearing cozy AF pajamas, and I don’t have to wake up at 6:30 a.m. for work–the odds of good sleep are very much in my favor. Luckily for my health goals, that extra sleep is not just a perk of a national holiday; it can also help me stay healthy. Getting enough quality sleep is beneficial for many reasons, like improving mood and energy. Plus, sleep can help you make better food decisions. Cravings (especially sugar cravings) can be worsened by lack of sleep, so if you’re not getting a good 7-9 hours, that gingerbread cookie or pumpkin pie could sound a lot more appetizing. 
      However, during past holiday breaks, those nine hours edge more towards the 1-10 a.m. range as opposed to my typical 10:30 p.m. bedtime. Getting enough quality sleep and sticking to a normal sleep schedule are both important for keeping you healthy. Going to bed and waking up around the same time will improve sleep quality, both now and after the holidays. Some studies have shown that irregular sleep schedules can lead to poor sleep quality, fatigue, poor eating habits, and lack of energy that can take time to reverse. Go to bed and waking up as close to the same time as you usually do and get 7-9 hours every night for peak health. Bottom line: the holidays are a time of laughter and family, but also use them as a time to rest and restore.

      Source: @mylittlebooktique

      8. Find balance with alone time and socializing
      I know I sound like a broken Andy Williams record saying that this year is different (you get it: 2020 is weird), but you probably don’t have the same overbooked season of holiday parties, family gatherings, and gift exchanges you typically do. If you are spending the holidays with family, make sure you’re still fitting in alone time to prioritize yourself. Go on a jog in the morning, take a bath at night, or find any time you can to recharge.
      If you’re spending the holidays alone, try to schedule a socially-distanced gathering outdoors or a virtual holiday party with your closest friends. Having social events on the calendar will give you something to look forward to, but scheduling it will also ensure you’re spending time with people you love, even if it is virtual or socially distanced. Alone time to prioritize ourselves and time with loved ones to laugh and connect are equally important, so focus this year on finding the balance of both, depending on what you need more of.

      9. Make new (outdoor) traditions
      2020 is the year of new traditions. While we’re foregoing traditions like holiday parties or in-person shopping this year, it also allows us to start new traditions that are not only good for the soul, but good for the body too. As the temperatures drop, you may be less inclined to spend your time in the great outdoors, but there’s a reason that so many holiday classics mention “snow,” right? (Let it Snow, Baby It’s Cold Outside, White Christmas… need I say more?). Taking advantage of the winter weather can not only bring fun new traditions, but can be good for your health. For example, bundle up and take a socially-distanced walk with friends or family, go ice skating at your local rink, or grab snow boots and play in the snow with your younger cousins or siblings. You’ll get your body moving without even thinking about it (and isn’t that the best kind of hack!?). 

      Source: @theyusufs

      10. Listen to your body during meals
      Frequently check in with yourself during meals to identify what your body wants and needs. Maybe you’re not hungry, but you would enjoy every bite of a slice of pumpkin pie because it’s your favorite holiday dessert, or maybe you realize your digestion is feeling off and you haven’t had enough veggies that day. Notice when you start feeling satisfied and are no longer enjoying each bite to know when to stop, rather than mindlessly eating until you’re uncomfortably stuffed. Aim for a balance of favorite holiday foods and nutrients that will make your body its best; yes, it is that simple. When we’re in-tune with our bodies’ needs, we eat until we’re satisfied (not stuffed) and crave a mixture of energizing nutrients and less nutritious foods we’ll enjoy every bite of (rather than mindlessly gobble down).

      11. Know that health is more than diet and exercise
      If you’re still under the impression that one meal (or a few holidays) can drastically affect your body long-term, you should also know that health is not a two-part formula of diet plus exercise. The podcasts we listen to, the people we spend our time with, the shows we binge on Netflix, the accounts we follow on Instagram, the way we speak to ourselves (and others) are all things that feed us too. If you’re not as focused on the ways you’re being fed and nourished besides the food on your plate or the ways you’re burning energy besides exercise, you’re missing key pieces of the puzzle. Bottom line: you could eat whatever you wanted and not work out once, and still have lots of opportunities to nourish yourself. Focus on how your relationships nourish you, the compassion you’re giving yourself, and how you’re spending your free time to truly become your healthiest self.

      Let us know–what healthy habits do you take into the holidays? More

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      7 Oral Sex Positions to Try This Weekend

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      If there’s one way to celebrate the end of a workweek, the end of 2020 (finally), and the beginning of the holiday season, I’ll say it’s probably an orgasm. But I’m not talking about any orgasm—I’m talking about the incomparable, fireworks-worthy orgasm you receive during oral sex (or the mind-blowing experience of giving it to someone—now that’s magical). Oral sex is a concept most of us have a pretty good handle on. You know, mouths, genitals. It’s not all that complicated. For a long time, I really stood by the “You either love it, or you hate it” model. Some people have joyously outrageous orgasms through oral sex, and others just aren’t all that into it. And while I think it’s totally normal and OK to not be into it (or any part of sex, of course), I think there are a lot of people out there who write off oral sex because they haven’t tried it in a way that makes them feel comfortable, confident, and pleasured. Perhaps, a new position might be an interesting way to try it out, or if you’re already an oral-lover, to spice things up a little bit. 
      A few things to note:
      Don’t like oral sex? No problem, try one of these positions for penetration. 🙂 
      Your partner doesn’t like oral sex? Here’s how to talk to them.
      No matter how you have sex is sex—don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. 

      1. Lying on your stomach 

      This one lets you touch yourself while your partner uses their mouth on you. Lie on your stomach with your hips slightly arched and your legs spread about just a bit. Your partner is able to go at your from behind, but you’re still comfortably laying down, making this a little different from your typical doggy style.

      2. Face-sitting

      Both you and your partner can do this one regardless of if they have a penis or vagina. If your partner has a penis, just make sure that they are sitting at an angle so they can enter your mouth without suffocating you, of course. You can face your partner so you have the view of looking at them (and touching them if you’d like), or you can face the opposite way and put the focus all on them pleasuring you.

      3. Standing

      This is another easy one to try regardless of your partners’ genitalia. This is a pretty common position if your partner has a penis, but much less so for partners with vaginas. If you have a vagina or your partner does, stand with your legs slightly apart, pushing your pelvis out. It might be easier to lean up against a wall or a table to hold your balance. Another great way to try this one is in the shower!

      4. Upside-down Head Over the Bed

      I’ve also seen this labeled “giraffe style,” which I absolutely love. Lay on your back with your head over the edge of the bed and tilt back so your upside down. This can be done with a partner who has a vagina or penis, but it’s much easier with a penis just based on the angle. Your partner will enter your mouth from a totally different way than normal, and the view is extra hot. 

      5. Legs around the head

      This one is much easier for giving oral sex to a person with a vagina, but it’s not impossible if your partner has a penis. Simply lay back, and after your partner’s head is in your crotch region, you’ll wrap your legs around them. Don’t suffocate them, of course, but loosely wrap your legs around. Your partner can keep touching you or hold onto your legs from the outside.
      One variation of this position is often called the “68.” One person lays down on their back while the other lays on their back on top of their partner, wrapping their legs around them with their crotch in their face. You two will be much closer this way, and it’s basically the lazy lovers’ version of 69. 

      6. Sitting down

      We love a good sitting position here because it’s an easy, applicable way to spin off your usual laying-down positions without having to grab your Kama Sutra book either. You can play this up in tons of ways. Maybe you’re sitting on the kitchen counter, maybe you’re in a desk chair, maybe you’re at the edge of the bed. This is a common position for giving oral sex to people with penises, but it’s a little less common for eating out—which is exactly why you should try it ASAP. 

      7. 69, But Spooning

      Aside from the joking territory surrounding 69, you might not realize just how good of an oral sex position it can be. While laying on top of each other is all fun and nice, try spicing it up by doing it from a spooning position laying down on your sides. You both lay on the opposite sides, and go at each other from the side. If you have different genitalia, it might be easier to situate the person with a vagina first as you’ll likely need to prop your leg up a bit or get closer to your partner, whereas it’s a little easier if they have a penis. You’ll be super close, and going at each other from this different angle might even help you find some new spots each of you likes. Orgasms for all! More

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      4 Reasons to Ditch Your Perfectionist Streak for Good

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      I have jumped awake at 3:52am more times than I can count. As a former editor who worked years of evening shifts in newspaper publishing, I was supposed to be able to gracefully manage time, words, and people each night to turn out a perfectly polished product for readers every morning.Most of the time, it went fine, or at least fine-ish. But even if I felt pretty confident about the newspaper I’d helped put together hours earlier, I’d still jolt awake in the dark, absolutely sure I had forgotten something important and would be judged for it.
      In my predawn terror, I was starting to realize that my perfectionism wasn’t just about maintaining my own high standards. It was coming from a place of deep, deep fear. 
      What if someone judged me in the morning or found my work lacking? That would be awful. Maybe I would never recover from the embarrassment. So I played it safe, never taking risks or exploring outside my narrow comfort zone. 
      Over time, though, that zone actually became a lot less comfortable. I was scrambling every day to live up to others’ expectations, afraid to use my own voice. And you know what the worst part was? Nobody whose opinion I valued had ever judged me. The expectations I imagined others had for me were just that — imaginary. 
      That’s when I realized that, as scary as it might sound, living in the real world as the flawed human I was (and very, very much continue to be!) was the only way I could learn and develop my skills and confidence. I was learning what experts already know: Perfectionism can be the very thing that holds us back from being the best version of ourselves. 
      Need more reasons to ditch that perfectionist streak once and for all? Try thinking about what it doesn’t do for you. 

      1. It doesn’t raise your game
      First, those high standards we hold ourselves to? They don’t have to disappear. Striving for excellence and being conscientious is something we should be proud of. But there’s a simple reason that perfection isn’t worth chasing. Our goals have to be achievable, and perfection just isn’t. 
      Take it from Dr. Brené Brown, the bestselling author who studies shame, vulnerability, and leadership. “What emerged for me in the data is that perfectionism is not about striving for excellence or healthy striving,” Brown told Oprah, according to HuffPost. “It’s… a way of thinking and feeling that says this: ‘If I look perfect, do it perfect, work perfect and live perfect, I can avoid or minimize shame, blame and judgment.’”
      If you’ve been hanging on to that perfectionist streak because you think letting go will lower your standards, breathe easy. It’s time to set new goals — ones that challenge you, inspire you, and leave you feeling proud of your progress.

      2. It doesn’t help you grow
      Consider adopting the mantra of entrepreneur and life coach Marie Forleo: “Go for progress, not perfection.” On her blog, Forleo admitted that she could easily polish her posts and other products all day. Like many of us, she wants her work to be as good as it can be.“However, perfectionism is an insidious trap that can grind your output to a halt and suffocate your soul — if you let it,” she wrote. 
      That’s because all that endless tweaking doesn’t give you space to grow. Put your best effort out there and be done with it until you’re ready to make real improvements, Forleo argued.
      “The goal is to always keep yourself in a growth-oriented mindset where you’re focused on learning and experimentation and getting better and just putting shiz out there,” she told viewers of her show, Marie TV. 
      Perfectionism is a defense mechanism that’s more about seeking external approval than it is about doing your own best work and learning and growing in the process. The latter tends to be more meaningful, so remind yourself from time to time that progress — not perfection — is the goal. 

      3. It doesn’t support your health
      If you brush off the rest of these reasons, listen to this one. Perfectionism does zero favors for your health.
      “Recent findings suggest that perfectionism is highly prevalent among children and adolescents, and perfectionism can be quite destructive in terms of its links with anxiety, depression, and suicide,” the summary of a 2014 report on perfectionism begins. 
      Other studies support those findings. They connect the dots between perfectionism and depression, anxiety, eating disorders, and more. If perfectionism is becoming more common, as studies suggest, more people are at risk.
      An increase in perfectionism doesn’t indicate that we’re all just getting better at everything, as BBC Future noted. It’s actually a bad thing.

      4. It doesn’t enrich your life and relationships
      Psychologists say there are a few types of perfectionists. Some — self-oriented perfectionists — may need to know that they’re working at their full potential all the time. They may be disproportionately bothered by making a mistake. They may even expect themselves to be consistently perfect. 
      Other-oriented perfectionists hold others to high standards, expecting the people around them to be perfect. They may not be able to delegate effectively, needing to retain control of work so that it meets their own standards. 
      Socially-prescribed perfectionists are fueled by pressure and others’ expectations of them — real or imagined. They may base their self-worth on whether they can meet those high standards, even if they’re not realistic.
      Each one may struggle with life and relationships in different ways. We are all on our own imperfect journey, like the one that’s described in one of my favorite childhood stories. In it, the Velveteen Rabbit and its friends are discussing the process of becoming Real and truly loved by a child. As they explain, it’s not a journey that has room for perfection — only for being authentic and unique. 
      “It takes a long time,” one toy explains to another. “That’s why it doesn’t happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don’t matter at all, because once you are Real you can’t be ugly, except to people who don’t understand.”
      Take it from Brown. She believes that in order to genuinely connect with others, we have to show them genuine versions of ourselves — struggles and all. The truth, she argued, is that we are naturally interested in people who are authentic, who are honest about their imperfect lives.
      “Perfectionism is not about healthy achievement and growth; it’s a shield,” Brown noted in a CNN op-ed. “Perfectionism is a 20-ton shield that we lug around thinking it will protect us when, in fact, it’s the thing that’s really preventing us from being seen and taking flight.” More