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      Being Pregnant During COVID-19: How I’m Staying Safe and Sane

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      I had big plans the last seven weeks of my second pregnancy—a huge birthday bash for my 2-year-old, a fancy Easter brunch for our little family of three, even a Pinterest-worthy list of activities to do with my firstborn before he became a big brother.Then the COVID-19 pandemic hit.
      At first, I wasn’t concerned. It felt like something happening far away, a global event that wouldn’t necessarily affect us in our little enclave in Northeast Florida.
      But that changed quickly. COVID-19 has become something that we’ve all had to face head-on, whether it be dealing with the stress of social distancing, having major events like weddings or birthday celebrations canceled, or worrying about an immunocompromised friend or relative. But being pregnant adds a whole new level of uncertainty.
      Here’s what I’m doing to stay safe and sane as a pregnant woman during the coronavirus outbreak.

      Taking Social Distancing Seriously
      While I love spending one-on-one time with my son, a big part of what keeps me sane as a work-from-home mom is largely dependent on my mom tribe. They’ve been there for me through bad days, stressful work situations, even silly fights with my husband. They’re my sounding board when I worry whether my son is hitting milestones as he should or if I need to take him to the pediatrician (again) for that rash.
      But when officials started encouraging social distancing, I knew I had to take it seriously. The research on how COVID-19 could affect pregnant women is slim, and the CDC says they still don’t know if it can be passed from an infected mother to her newborn. With that said, I knew staying away was what was best for me and my baby.
      Not being able to see my best friends every day has been rough. Postponing my son’s second birthday party was also heart-wrenching. Plus, entertaining my son on my own all day is hard. But I know it’s the right thing to do, not just for my specific situation but for the population as a whole.

      Source: @jyll_mackie via #sharetheeverymom

      Staying Informed—To a Point
      I’m a journalist, and it’s long been a habit to watch the news and stay informed. But the daily updates on COVID-19 are on a whole new level—towns on lockdown, restaurants, and bars closed across entire cities, even beloved celebrities testing positive. To be honest, it sometimes feels like we’re living in a George Orwell novel.
      With the news moving at such a breakneck pace, you could spend most of the day watching the coverage. But I’ve decided to only watch the news in the morning, during naptime, and at night. Any more than that and my anxiety starts to spike. Any less and I feel like I’m ill-informed.
      I’ve also stopped watching in front of my 2-year-old. While I’m not sure he really grasps what’s going on, I don’t want to inundate him with potentially frightening images or adult themes.

      Finding Stress Relief
      As someone nearing the end of her pregnancy, I realize that now more than ever it’s important for me to stay calm. Maternal stress has long been linked to preterm labor,  and the last thing I want to do (especially in the middle of a global epidemic) is to deliver early.
      So, I’ve decided to do everything I can to stay calm. I’ve completely finished the baby’s room, down to washing, folding, and putting away all the tiny clothes and hanging the art. I’ve cleaned out all our drawers and kitchen cabinets, put up new curtains, cleaned and organized long-neglected areas, and wrapped and assembled all my son’s birthday gifts. I’ve also made it a point to support several local small businesses (online, of course), while also squeezing in some time for binge-watching Netflix and reading two books I started ages ago.
      While your version of stress relief may look different than mine, I’ve found that checking things off my to-do list while stuck at home has gone a long way in reducing my stress level.

      Source: @thebeverlyadams

      Having a Backup Plan
      At my 32-week appointment, I asked my doctor about COVID-19 and how it might affect my delivery. She said to prepare myself to not have any visitors in the hospital apart from my husband. Immediately, the sweet visions I had in my head of my son meeting his little brother for the first time in a sunny hospital room, peering into the tiny bassinet at his tiny new brother tightly swaddled in a pink and blue striped blanket, went up in smoke. I wouldn’t get that.
      What she said shocked me then, but restrictions on visitors have become commonplace in recent weeks. I’ve decided to accept that I probably won’t get the birth I envisioned. And that’s OK. But I’ve also started preparing for less optimal situations.
      For example, what if there are too many cases of COVID-19 at our hospital and they can’t accommodate us? Our hospital recently had its first case, and I expect there will be more. Right now, I’m keeping an eye on the situation and researching other options, from delivering at other hospitals to a truncated hospital stay post-birth to yep, even home birth. And I’m not the only mom considering this option. Of course, talking to your own doctor is always the best course of action—they can provide advice and solutions directly relevant to your specific situation.
      The COVID-19 epidemic has affected us all, not just those of us expecting a baby in the coming months. I know there are people who are dealing with far worse situations than I am—those with immunocompromised children, those who still have to report to work and send their kids to daycare, and of course, those who have already contracted the infection or love someone who has.
      But being pregnant and on the cusp of giving birth right now is also really, really hard. Preparing backup plans and being mindful of my mindset is the best thing I can do for myself, and my family, at this time.

      This article originally ran on The Everymom More

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      Sex 101: How to Start Role-Playing With Your Partner

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      Undeniably, one of the best sex scenes in movie history is The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn. Are you kidding me? 15-year-old me had a sexual awakening watching Bella and Edward get it on in the water, all to end up in bed. I mean, the scene when she wakes up to a completely broken bed, pillow feathers strewn about the room sounds like exactly what my sex dreams are made of (you know, with less Edward Cullen and more LaKeith Stanfield). And lest we forget the other best sex scene in human history: Natalie Portman and Mila Kunis in Black Swan. You know, I claimed Black Swan as my favorite movie of all time for quite a while; somehow it only dawned on me a few years later that I just might be bisexual.But you know why movie sex scenes are just so absolutely sexy? It’s acting; there’s a sense of “these aren’t real people” to the whole thing. And you know what? Regular old folk like us can get that same feeling with just a little role-playing. 
      I’ll be completely honest: role-playing with your partner can feel really intimidating and, of course, totally weird and awkward if you’re new to it. But as most sexual things go, with practice and communication comes many orgasms! So here we go, a 101 guide to the best role-playing of your life. 

      Get your boundaries and safe words all laid out
      Before you and your partner become entirely different people for the night, talk over what you’re willing to do and what you’re not. It’s important to know what each of you is hoping to get out of the experience. For you, it might just be a fun, one-night-only thing. Your partner might want to add this to your usual rotation. Some people like to use role-playing to act out fantasies. Whatever you decide is amazing, just make sure it fits for both of you. As always, communication with your partner about sex is necessary here.
      You’ll also want to come up with any safe words if you’re practicing BDSM or anything similar. 

      How to decide what to role-play
      You absolutely can just come up with a character on the spot and go with it. But if you’re not an Oscar-winning actress just yet (maybe if I flesh out the cash for that Natalie Portman Masterclass, but I digress), it’s OK to take some time to figure it out and come up with it as you go. Of course, the easiest thing would be a different person. Maybe it’s your alter-ego. You don’t totally change your look, but you go by a different name and act a little different (for example, normally you’re more dominant in the bedroom, and instead you act a little more submissive). Pretend it’s your first date all over again. 
      On the other hand, you can also decide who to role-play based on your fantasies. What turns you on? Is it a student/teacher scenario? A nurse/patient? Two roommates? Make your decision on truly what turns you on, because it’ll just feel awkward and funny to you both if it’s not something you actually find sexy. 
      Will you add costumes? You certainly can! But to be fair, if your partner is of the male species, you might be able to get away with putting your hair in a different style and slapping on a smokey eye, and they’ll think it’s different enough. (If your partner is more observant, wigs are a very fun and inexpensive way to change things up!) If the scenario is a little more complex, think about getting into character. This might feel really awkward for your first time role-playing, so don’t be afraid to start small. Speaking of…

      Start small
      It’s OK if the first time you role-play doesn’t involve the sexy French maid costume of your dreams and a fully flushed-out script of everything you’ll say. It’s really easy and casual to start role-playing through text first. You and your partner can gauge how you enjoy it and feel about it without the pressure of “acting” in front of each other. 

      Don’t stress if you feel silly
      Role-playing can sorta feel like you’re back in high school musical theater if you’re not used to it, and that’s completely normal. It’s different and new, but it takes time to get used to being that way with your partner. Think of role-playing like a game, and of course, very few people are good at a game the first time they play.

      Change locations
      Obviously, we’re not heading out to our local hotel bar to reenact our first dates right now. Instead, change up the location of where you are. You can take a walk to the park and start your role-play there (finishing at home, of course). Or just change locations in your home. Get really into it and turn your kitchen island or dining table into a little bar set-up for the evening. You could pretend your home is a hotel. Get into the fun of it and let your imagination go. Sex is all about flexing your creative muscle.

      Some scenarios to try
      Classic power dynamics—boss/employee, teacher/student, guest/maid, nurse or doctor/patient, fitness instructor/student, landlord/tenant, etc. 
      Best friends
      Roommates
      Strangers
      Long-distance—try Skype/FaceTime sex even if you’re not in an LDR
      Massage therapist
      Food delivery (very peak COVID, am I right?) 
      Non-monogamy—one person remains themselves and the other is a stranger
      Photographer and model
      Don’t be afraid to really act
      It’s not weird to get into it; it’s your fantasy for crying out loud! Role-playing is about being someone else for a little and acting out all of your desires with your partner. It’s a fun way to try all those things you dream about without a ton of commitment. Try something and realize you don’t really enjoy it? Try something different! Role-playing is about trial and error, so don’t be surprised if you thought you’d love or hate something and it turns out to surprise you. That’s what sex is all about, really: tons of surprises! More

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      10 Things I Learned From My Immigrant Parents

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      Growing up, I really struggled with my identity. I was raised in a predominantly white suburb of Chicago as the child of Chinese immigrants, and was always left with a sense that I was different from my peers. When I started preschool, I couldn’t even fully understand English, and I was terrified. I became aware of how I couldn’t effectively communicate with others, and as I got older and tried to find myself, the struggle morphed into multiple identity crises involving my appearance, my beliefs, my struggle with learning two languages, my social life, and even the food I eat. How do you navigate assimilation without losing connection to your former culture?Throughout all this, my parents have always been there for me. They are my rocks; my solid ground to stand on and lean on for support. As I’ve gotten older and reflected on my experiences, I’ve come to realize how much my family has shaped me. They have taught me—through their words, actions, and personal experiences—some very important life lessons that I will hold onto and hopefully pass along to my own children. 
      I would say the way I’ve been raised is interesting. While it has many things in common with other immigrant children’s upbringing, parenting is extremely personal. As an adult, I now see the choices and sacrifices my parents have made for the benefit of their kids. I am extremely grateful for the foresight and self-awareness my parents have that helped me to become who I am today.
      Here are 10 lessons I’ve learned from my parents. 

      1. Hustle hard
      Moving to a completely new country halfway across the world is hard—like, really hard. My dad was determined to make a better life for himself and his family, so he busted his ass to do so, taking test after test and applying to graduate schools in the United States until he finally got accepted. That was his ticket to success. but the hard work didn’t stop there. He continued to work tirelessly, providing for our family of four, doing his best so that we could live comfortably. He’s shown me the value of working hard for what you want in order to accomplish your dreams. It takes guts and it takes perseverance. Some of my biggest fears in life are failure and rejection; it’s what stops me from making more daring decisions. But when I’m reminded of my family, I am able to reach inside of me and emulate their strength, finding myself reaching higher and higher, taking steps to achieve my dreams.

      2. Being strong in the face of adversity
      My parents experienced many atrocities throughout their childhoods and faced many difficult situations. They both grew up during a time of civil unrest and survived a food shortage, essentially living in poverty. They didn’t even have consistent access to electricity until they were out of college. That seems worlds away from the life in which I was raised, but never once have I ever heard my parents speak of their past with even a hint of bitterness. They keep their chins up and soldier on, looking forward to the future, no matter what. I see true strength in them and they never fail to remind me that people are capable of so much, and we can always work toward overcoming our struggles.

      3. Health should always come first
      The topic of health is a constant point of conversation in our household. My parents have drilled into my head that health comes before all else. It’s very difficult to take proper care of our business or others if we don’t take care of ourselves—it makes it so much easier to become overwhelmed. My mom always uses the analogy that our bodies are like batteries that need charging. If you’re depleted of all energy, how can you accomplish anything? If we’re able, then we should take diligent care of ourselves through cleanliness, proper nutrition, exercise, and sleep (though I am definitely terrible at that last one, sorry mom!). Through this constant reminder, I’ve come to better understand the value of this and see the truth behind it. We all wear many hats and I definitely think I am a better person all around when I take care of myself. It’s easier to be present and be a good daughter, friend, sister, student, and person overall.

      4. Never stop learning
      Something I learned very early on from my parents is that “brains are like sponges.” We are constantly learning things and we should never stop trying to. Knowledge is power, and no matter how old we get or what challenges we face, we can always gain something—an insight, a new idea, more understanding. They encouraged my curiosity, encouraging me to seek out the answers I wanted. My dad always gets so excited when I teach him something new, like a recipe or an interesting fun fact about a topic he doesn’t usually think about. I associate curiosity and the desire to learn with simply having enthusiasm for life.

      5. Love can appear in many different forms
      One of the most important lessons I’ve learned from my parents and through our culture is how everyone may show love differently. In some Eastern cultures, it is more typical that we show love through our actions rather than our words. My mom happily helping me with laundry or cooking food for me was an act of love, not just an act of obligation or devotion. But from living in the United States for so long, my parents have, over time, learned how to become more communicative as well. They’ve gotten much better about verbalizing how they feel and I love seeing how they change and grow as people. That desire to connect with their kids through their words showed their love as well. They wanted to bond with us and express their love in a way that their Westernized children could better understand. It shows that people all show love and affection in different ways—both culturally and individually.

      6. Always choose kindness
      My parents are two of the kindest, most generous people that I have ever known. They’re always quick to offer a helping hand or go out of their way to assist someone in need, and they never do anything with the expectation of having those favors be returned—they do it just because they’re good people. They have shown me that it doesn’t matter your background, your socioeconomic status, whether you’ve had a bad day or not—you can always choose to be kind. It’s taught me to always seek out the silver lining of every single situation, even when there doesn’t appear to be one at first. They have always emphasized that it’s important to put positivity out into the world and treat people well. In this sense, it’s kind of like good karma. When I make the effort to be positive in my thoughts, attitude, and behavior, I tend to receive it back in the form of kindness from others and opportunities and it becomes a positive loop. Plus, you never know what someone else is going through and it’s always worth it to try to make someone’s day.

      7. Frugality
      Of course, living a life of hardship leaves its marks on a person. Like many other immigrants, my family was very frugal. A sort of survival instinct was deeply embedded in their daily lives and habits. There wasn’t enough food to go around for a while, so they had to learn how to ration and share. New clothing was a luxury and a rarity, so learning to mend fabric was a necessity. Stocking up on supplies when they were available and affordable was a means of survival. Though we now live comfortably and don’t need to keep up some of these habits for survival, old habits die hard, and they’ve passed on some of these instincts to me. I find myself doing things like avoiding too much food waste, using supplies like paper towels and soap sparingly, and watching my water usage. Though it’s not entirely necessary, learning the skill of frugality has been helpful to me. I’ve learned to balance my spending between necessities and “wants,” and it even helps me be prepared in case something like an emergency happens.

      8. Choose your friends carefully
      My mother was always extremely adamant that I be careful about who I befriended. The people you are closest to most affect your development, personality, and behavior. She’d had her fair share of critics when it came to her choices over how she’s led her life and her actions. She’s been criticized for how she tried to raise her kids in a more moderate way, allowing us to become more Westernized, and how she gave up her career to move to another country, amongst other things. And honestly, who needs that kind of negative energy? We all deserve to be surrounded by those who love and support us.
       
      9. How to bridge differences
      Obviously, growing up in a household trying to merge and navigate two different cultures can be difficult. At times it’s both frustrating and messy not being able to see eye-to-eye on things, or not even be able to totally understand each other due to language barriers. Throughout the years, we’ve had to practice lots of patience with each other and try to keep an open mind. As I’ve grown into myself, it’s become more and more apparent that many of our opinions differ drastically. Being able to hold conversations about contentious topics we don’t agree on can be very aggravating and emotional. We’ve gradually learned how to express those opinions without stepping on each others’ toes too much, and I think this lesson has greatly aided me in my life in general. I love being able to talk to people who don’t necessarily agree with me and being able to have a constructive conversation about our opinions without offending each other.

      10. Food goes beyond simple nutrition
      Eastern medicine was a major part of my upbringing. Every time something was physically wrong with me, my parents tried to fix it with some concoction of herbs. Honestly, sometimes it seems like mumbo-jumbo, and to many people it probably is, but I’ve grown to accept and respect it more and am quite fascinated by it. Some have become more interested in traditional Chinese medicine, and there have been more efforts to research it. It goes back thousands of years—and hey, I’m an avid tea drinker anyway. What’s the harm in drinking some tea that’s supposedly good for me? It’s taught me that some of the foods we already consume can be used to purposely fuel and heal ourselves. For example, garlic has antimicrobial properties and chrysanthemum may help to decrease inflammation. I was raised to believe we can use food to heal ourselves from the inside out, and I think that’s kind of magical. Because of this, I’m very conscious of what types of foods I consume and pay very close attention to how it affects me. My mother has given me some herbal teas, and truthfully, whenever I feel a cold coming on, I always reach for them just in case. Maybe it’s a placebo or maybe it actually helps, but I usually end up feeling better, and that’s just fine with me.
       
      What types of lessons have you learned from your family? More

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      What Meditation Means to Black Women

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      The first time I decided to try meditation, I cried. It took all of 10 minutes and a meditation app on my iPhone to make me break down into tears after the calming voice on the app instructed me to open my eyes when I was ready. I wasn’t ready, and I began to cry: not from the sadness it might’ve brought on, but from the emotional and physical release it gave me. Who knew that all it would take was a few minutes of being mindful and present with myself at the beginning of my hectic day to help quiet my thoughts and put me at ease? Once I continued to meditate, I realized how essential it was to me as a Black woman, and how I was never taught about the practice, how to start, or the benefits it provides. Media’s portrayal of meditation doesn’t help paint the best picture of the practice either, as many Women of Color usually don’t have a quiet space in their home or neighborhood with no interruptions where they can go to escape to sit and chant their way to peace. 
      Meditation is a great practice that many Black women are starting to adopt to decrease stress and increase mindfulness, especially during these times where Black women specifically are plagued with so much mentally and emotionally. As a Black woman, the weight of the world feels particularly heavy, and any type of relief, from mindful meditation to mental health resources, is necessary to help find inner peace and sometimes, just to keep sane. Even if it’s just for a few minutes out of the day, meditation helps Black women in more ways than one. 

      Meditation helps us to be more mindful of our bodies
      Women, specifically Women of Color, tend to ignore the signs their bodies are giving them due to the busyness of work, taking care of children as well as significant others, and the demands of everyday life. According to a post written in 2017 by Dr. Alexander Hantel, M.D., women tend to ignore troubling symptoms like fatigue, discomfort in the chest, and weight loss that could potentially lead to long-term health issues. This is coupled with multiple studies showing that doctors often downplay, ignore, or misdiagnose female patients—specifically Black women, who face higher death rates from health-related complications than women of any other race in the United States. 
      Being able to check in with yourself during meditation helps you to connect and tap into how you are feeling emotionally, mentally, and physically, which could help point out any underlying ailments you may be experiencing. Plenty of guided mindfulness meditation apps help you “scan your body” mentally to assess how your body feels. Meditation helps you to not only identify that stiff shoulder from overworking or that migraine you put off from stress, but to not ignore them any longer. Taking the time to focus on you in the moment can bring about an awareness to your body that we as women often ignore for the sake of time and productiveness. 
      Using meditation as a means to connect with yourself physically can ultimately lead to taking action against any ailments you might be experiencing by following up with your health care provider to address these issues, putting yourself and your health first. 

      Meditation helps us reflect and release 
      Meditation not only helps us center ourselves and be present in the moment, but it also helps us to reflect and learn from our past, letting go of things that no longer serve us. This rings especially true for Black women, who face stress from work disparities due to race, economic inequity, and the double burden of gender and racial biases. 
      When I began to use meditation in my daily life, it helped me reflect on a lot of things I didn’t normally give myself space to. Practicing meditation sets a calm stage for your day and can aid in a better night’s sleep, putting away those things you need to release. 
      Whether you are listening to your favorite music and getting a few moments to breathe while getting ready for the day or releasing the day’s tension at night with a few candles and a moment to yourself in the bathroom, taking a step back to reflect and release helps to give your mind a place to sort out the stress of life. 

      Source: cottonbro | Pexels

      Meditation takes our focus off of the world around us—and onto ourselves  
      Black women are fighting many battles at once, and it doesn’t give us much room to pay attention to ourselves. With the current pandemic disproportionately affecting Black communities, as well as the continued racial tension caused by years of systemic racism that Black women have been on the frontlines for, combating and fighting for change, the world is heavy on Black women. 
      We don’t get a lot of time to strictly just focus on ourselves and how our bodies feel, constantly putting ourselves on the backburner in order to be of service and to take care of others first. When’s the last time you’ve truly been selfish? Taking the time out to find a few minutes to take a break and be present in the moment helps you take that focus off of the world around you and onto yourself. That’s the small role meditation can play: it gives you the space you need to re-center and refocus on what’s most important and should come first before anything: you. The world and all of its weight will still be there once you’re done. 

      Meditation helps us to fight another day 
      Meditation, in its own way, is a form of self-care: another way to take time out show yourself love, patience, and grace. Just like we carve out time to go to the nail salon or hairdresser, and exercise or spend time with friends when we can, meditation is another great form of taking care of yourself from the inside out. It also helps you increase your focus for more clarity in order to be able to tackle another day. What other time do you get to replenish yourself before or after the work emails, chasing the kids down, being a supportive partner, taking care of family and friends, all while trying to stay informed and active with what’s going around you? Being able to take a breath through meditation not only gives you time to mentally gear up for the day, but it also re-energizes you so that you can bring your full self to the world —a world that needs you for all that you are, Black woman. 
      As routine as brushing my teeth, meditation has become an essential part of my day, giving me the opportunity to replenish myself when I feel like the world has taken everything I can give. Some days, I meditate to relax, and other days, I meditate to release, but every time, once I hear the sound of the chime and the voice that instructs me to open my eyes when I’m ready, I come back to my surroundings more at ease with myself as a Black woman. 
       
      What does meditation mean to you, and how has it helped you navigate life as a woman of color?  More

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      7 Things Every Woman Should Know About Her Period

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      It sounds like a Judy Bloom novel or the preface of American Girl’s The Care and Keeping Of You (anyone else have some painful flashbacks just then?), but my uterus and I have never been on good terms. I got my period at 12 years old, was too embarrassed to tell any of my friends, and knew so little about female reproduction that I thought a period could only start on Mondays (the next month, I got it on a Wednesday, much to my chagrin). Since then, my period story has been part drama, part suspenseful mystery. I’ve dealt with unbearable cramps, severe mood swings, unexplained pain, random bleeding, multiple gynecologists that couldn’t figure out what’s wrong, dozens of birth control pill brands, and a routine monthly breakdown where I’d cry to my mom, “This just isn’t fair! Why me!?” 
      Enter: Berrion Berry. I first found Berry on Instagram (well worth a follow, FYI), and her content helped me change my mindset surrounding sexual health. She is a PMS and Period Educator, founder of  The Flo Academy, and host of the podcast “Flow with Berrion Berry” (aptly named, right?). I knew I wasn’t the only one struggling with my period or lacking knowledge on how to heal myself, so I picked Berry’s brain for the tips, tricks, and info every woman should know about her period. Spoiler alert: it’s informative as hell. 

      Source: @berrionlberry

      For the record, Berry’s mission is to inform. What you do with your body is entirely up to you, and only you know what’s best for it (but more on that below!). With that being said, here are 7 things every woman should know about her period: 

      1. There’s more to your cycle than just your period.
      When we refer to our cycles, we often are talking about the days we’re bleeding. However, even though it’s the most obvious (and obnoxious) phase, the actual period is only one small piece of the puzzle. Yes, there’s the menstrual phase, but there’s also the follicular phase, the ovulatory phase, and the luteal phase. Your body is constantly evolving and changing based on the phase that it’s in, and each phase requires just as much care and attention as the menstrual phase. 

      Source: @berrionlberry

      2. Tracking your cycle can be powerful.
      Period apps can be tedious to keep up with, but knowing what phase your body is in can be incredibly powerful. Berry recommended cycle syncing, which means aligning everything from diet to exercise to work style with your cycle. She explained that the four phases act as a blueprint to help balance hormones and alleviate pain (sign me up!). Let me break it down for you:
      The Menstrual Phase: When you start bleeding, focus on restoring, replenishing, and refueling the body. Berry recommended eating comfort foods, sleeping in, taking things slow, and going for a walk or doing a vinyasa flow.
      The Follicular Phase: Once your period ends, focus on reconnecting with the external world. Hormone levels are beginning to rise, so you’re probably feeling like you can conquer the world. Go on that first date, turn up the intensity of your workouts, and make some plans with friends.
      The Ovulatory Phase: With the surge of both estrogen and the luteinizing hormone, you’ll feel incredibly productive. Launch the new program you’ve been working on, work longer hours if you want to, or take on a new challenge. Berry also recommended strength, resistance, and power training during this time, as well as getting in enough healthy fats and fiber (since your appetite might increase).
      The Luteal Phase: Un-lovingly referred to as PMS, this phase requires relaxation, as estrogen levels are typically at their lowest. Get all the macronutrients your body needs, turn down workouts to gentle pilates or going on walks, and be kind to yourself as you may experience shifts in mood and energy levels. 

      3. Birth control is no easy decision (and you should know all your options).
      Between the NuvaRing, shots, IUDs, the patch, and pills, picking a method of birth control is as confusing as deciding what to get at a breakfast buffet (if I fill up on scrambled eggs and hash browns, will I regret not getting pancakes!?). Whether you opt for hormonal birth control to ease period symptoms or for actual birth control (or both, which is most often the case), the method that’s best for you is extremely personal. What’s right for your best friend, or even your gynecologist, may not be right for you. Whether you prefer hormonal birth control or a hormone-free method, research all your options, identify the root cause of any symptoms, and talk to your doctor about what’s best for you.

      Source: @berrionlberry

      4. If you have difficulty understanding your body, it’s not your fault.
      One of the many reasons I’ve loved following Berry’s career and killer Instagram is because she makes me feel OK for past mistakes (AKA my years of excessive Advil consumption) and for the fact that I’ve had a period for over half of my life and I still don’t totally understand my body. Berry explained, “A lot of research is done on men (they’re on a 24-hour hormonal clock), and not as much on women (we’re on a 28-day hormonal clock). I think the lack of research for women plays a massive role in why it’s so difficult for women to understand their bodies.”
      Of course so many of us struggle with the right birth control method, painful period symptoms, and even talking about our sexuality and periods. Not only have women historically been studied less, as Berry pointed out, but women’s sexual and reproductive health has been taboo (I mean, did you learn about the clitoris in seventh-grade Sex Ed? I certainly did not). Don’t feel guilty about what you struggle with, feel uncomfortable with, or don’t know. Instead, educate yourself (on your body and your options). Don’t be afraid to ask questions. While we’re at it, can we all agree to talk comfortably and openly about our periods, once and for all? A period is as natural as breathing, and it’s time we start acting like it. 

      Source: @berrionlberry

      5. PMS can be your body’s way of communicating with you—know that it’s OK to slow down
      A girl’s gotta do what a girl’s gotta do when cramps and back pain are coming on strong (see #4).  Of course, you’re going to do what you can to treat the symptom, but don’t forget to look at the big picture to understand where the symptom could be coming from. Work on improving your overall health every day (not just that time of the month), and try to assess whether stress, diet, or another source could be affecting your symptoms. 
      One of my favorite sayings is “whatever men can do, women can do while bleeding,” and it is so true (need I mention that we can do it while also wearing six-inch heels?). Let’s take a minute to cue up Run the World (Girls) on Spotify and celebrate how badass women are. Now that we’ve established that and have Beyoncé on repeat, you also need to know that you can be both a motivated, hard worker who is destroying the patriarchy, while simultaneously slowing down during that time of the month.
      Your body is literally shedding uterine lining and releasing an egg; it’s no simple feat. Don’t beat yourself up if you’re not keeping up with a typical workout routine or if productivity is lacking at work. Berry suggested, “Take the time to go within and give yourself permission to just bleed and be. During your period, you need to focus on you and your needs, not everything and everyone else.”

      Source: @berrionlberry

      6. Be mindful of what you’re eating (yes, even on your period).
      Now that we’ve established period symptoms can be a reflection of everything from diet to stress, you already know that eating healthy foods (and enough healthy foods) can be crucial to your cycle. Berry says one of the most common mistakes many women make when it comes to their period health is eating too much sodium, refined oil (like palm oil or vegetable oil), and sugar. 
      If you’re craving something heavier or sweeter on your period, listen to your body and make a rice dish or have a few squares of dark chocolate after dinner; your body knows what it needs. However, using that time of the month as an excuse to eat all the ice cream and greasy foods you can fit into a week isn’t helping symptoms. Berry said, “I’m a big fan of honoring cravings because it’s how the body communicates needs. Give yourself grace when you’re on your period, but don’t use it as an excuse to just eat junk food and perpetuate painful period problems.”

      7. You know your body better than anyone else.
      At the end of the day (or the end of your cycle), only you know what your body needs. Even if your period is painful, heavy, or random, it’s not trying to ruin your life (I promise!); it’s just doing what it’s supposed to do. You are the best advocate for your own body, so keep a journal of symptoms you’re feeling, and talk to your doctor so you can work with the ebbs and flows of your cycle—instead of working against it. 
      Personally, I’m still not as excited on my period as women in Tampax commercials seem to be, but with a little help from Berrion Berry, my trusty MyFlo app, and a whole lot of self-healing. While I’m only at the first step of a longer reproductive health journey, it’s the beginning of a story between me and my body that I should’ve started a long time ago. Berry said it best, “Remember that it’s your body and your choice. You are your best advocate, so make sure you’re the one taking care of yourself.” More

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      There Is a Staggering Lack of POC in Wellness—Here’s How We Can Change That

      by

      The wellness industry has been historically homogenous and well, white. If you’re a white woman googling tips on self-care and mental health, you’ll find books, articles, and endless resources written for and by white women. On Instagram, a quick #wellness search propagates a feed dominated by images of white women caressing smoothie bowls, meditating, and doing yoga on the beach. I’ve spent the last five years working as an editor in the health and wellness space. Often, I’ve been the only Person of Color in team meetings and one of a handful at international conferences where thousands have attended. As a Filipina working in this space, I’ve rarely seen my fellow People of Color genuinely represented and acknowledged by this industry. 
      This all begs the question: where are all the People of Color? And more importantly, what’s a Person of Color to do when the lack of representation makes them feel unwelcomed, othered, and unseen in the wellness world? 
      For many People of Color with large social followings, a brand’s representation is a key factor when it comes to collaboration. “If I don’t see BIPOC [(Black, Indigenous, and People of Color)] represented, then I cannot believe in you. Our intentions just don’t align,” said Nikia Phoenix, the founder of Black Girl Beautiful.

      With the renewed Black Lives Matter movement bringing greater attention to the harsh systemic injustices faced by the Black community, many corporations are forced to examine how they are addressing diversity and actively fighting racism in the workplace. Among these corporations are a slew of wellness companies pledging to better represent People of Color. While this pledge of solidarity is no doubt a step in the right direction, the greatest and most significant change has come from Black entrepreneurs, speakers, and teachers in the wellness field creating spaces and self-care tools for their community. 
      According to Kelley Green, a certified yoga instructor and founder of Rise in Color, this is crucial. “As a community, in order to make the wellness experience more inclusive, BIPOC need to create and own more spaces for gatherings, whether virtually, in-person, including apps. More of us need to take ownership of the ability to lead and provide spaces that didn’t previously exist. This is how we create massive change in the lives of the communities we represent,” Green said. 

      A Needle in The Haystack
      “I realized finding Women of Color in the physical wellness space was like finding a needle in a haystack,” Green said. “When I was first introduced to yoga, I quickly noticed the majority of the studios where I live in NYC were filled with predominantly white women. The staff, the instructors, and the students were mostly of Caucasian descent, so I often found myself being either one of two People of Color in the class—or maybe even the only one.” Building spaces where Black voices feel safe and supported has far-reaching implications.
      Black women are at three to four times the risk of pregnancy-related deaths for white women; while both Black and white women develop breast cancer at about the same rate, breast cancer death rates are 40 percent higher among Black women. The adult Black community is more likely to have feelings of sadness and hopelessness than adult whites, yet there is a glaring absence of culturally responsive health care providers available to their community. The work done by Black wellness advocates brings awareness to these disparities by providing the tools and resources needed to take action. 

      Yasmine Cheyenne, a teacher, and speaker on mental health sought to create free mental health resources for BIPOC, as her experiences as a Black woman were not welcomed at the predominately white wellness groups and retreats she attended. “In BIPOC communities, I think we’re still unlearning a lot of the ways we haven’t been taking care of ourselves based on the way we’ve been taught to live in ‘survival mode’ all the time. Creating spaces where black people and POC feel comfortable healing, and where we can also have people who look like us and viscerally understand us is important for our community and our individual growth,” she said. As wellness brands proclaim their commitment to fighting racial injustice, how they move towards change will be telling. The task cannot fall on the Black community alone, and changing the wellness space to truly be more inclusive will itself be an effort in solidarity.
      Beyond bringing more diversity to their social feeds, who companies hire to leadership positions, how they plan to implement long term processes to fight both overt and covert racial discrimination, and how they persist in creating platforms for People of Color long after the public eye is gone will be the real test.

      To do your part in turning the tide, here’s what you can do:

      Educate Yourself
      Be aware of the ongoing public health crisis in the Black community rooted in centuries of systemic racism and prejudice. America is Failing Its Black Mothers is a good place to start. After that, read The Black Women’s Health Book: Speaking for Ourselves. When you’re done, don’t stop. Listen to black voices in the wellness space, have those tough conversations with those in your circle, and continue to educate yourself through the many resources available. If you’re looking for more reading material, here are 20 books on Black stories, white privilege, and how to be anti-racist.

      View this post on Instagram

      I recently shared why our collagen is great, but you might be wondering: “what makes Truvani Protein so special?” . Here’s what real customers have to say about it: . “Right out of the package, it smells good…Like cocoa. It doesn’t smell sour or bitter like so many I have tried in the past. It mixes easily in a blender bottle – No chunks or pieces left in the bottom edge of the bottle. And finally the taste… The texture is smooth, not gritty and the flavor is of cocoa with slight “protein powder” flavor underneath. I am thankful to have a trustworthy source of protein and one that I can confidently recommend to my friends and colleagues! Nice work!!” – Corinn Tiwari . “I received the chocolate protein powder sample and tried it this morning. It was delicious !! I’ve had the hardest time finding a protein powder that I like and that my body likes. I can’t have dairy and whey and I’m also so picky about taste, so I gave up looking for protein powder. You guys totally nailed it!! Thank you for creating this. I love the ingredients and that it’s good for me and tastes so yummy and that I feel good after!!” – Lisa Oidvin It’s so nice hearing this. I built a brand that will never compromise on ingredients… and our products taste great, too. We live in a world where big companies fill their products with garbage ingredients and at Truvani we just won’t stand for it. Some other protein powders load up with artificial sweeteners, sugar, or other unnecessary additives. But Truvani cuts all of that out. We use only 5 ingredients in Vanilla. 6 ingredients in chocolate. And it tastes amazing. Just look at our labels (Swipe Left!) Plus, it’s USDA organic. And, we also obtained 2 new certifications: CERTIFIED VEGAN and NON-GMO Project Verified. (You won’t see the logo on the bags just yet because we just got our certification, but those certifications will be displayed prominently and proudly as we change over our packaging). So, if you’re ready to try Truvani’s Plant-Based Protein, check out the link in my bio. I know you’re going to LOVE it!
      A post shared by Vani Hari | Food Babe (@thefoodbabe) on Jul 10, 2020 at 9:22am PDT

      Support Businesses That Embrace Inclusivity
      Whether it’s the yoga studio you attend or your favorite skincare brand, do a little research, and consider how that company’s messaging and images are helping to create a place of inclusivity. If you’re only seeing one type of woman being marketed to and for (or if their feed just recently includes People of Color), that’s problematic. And if you don’t see any People of Color as instructors or in executive leadership roles, it might be a sign to take your money somewhere else and support a business that is actively working to create diverse and inclusive spaces.

      View this post on Instagram

      We all need a little reset sometimes, however most of us don’t have the time or funds for a full fledge week long destination vacation, I know I sure don’t. In the name of accessibility..thank you blessed “staycation” for coming into save the day! One of my favorite ways to reset while not completely breaking the bank is a proper staycation. I have been using @hoteltonight loyally since 2015, and the magic of this app is that the longer you wait, the more you can save, making your last- minute craving for a staycation a REALITY! – – I always find that even one night away from cooking, writing recipes or curriculum for an event, etc REALLY helps reset my body, mind, and spirit. Pictured above you’ll find that I’ve ordered basically the entire room service menu lol Who says a staycation for there weekend can’t be just as healing as jumping on a plane? and like I said..in honor of accessibility, this is also a really wonderful option for those on a particular budget, but with major staycation needs. – – Do you have a favorite hotel to staycation at in your city? If you’re in NYC, What is your favorite hotel to stay in? Why? I am always on the lookout for new places to have a restful weekend away, but not too far away 🙂 #myhoteltonight #ad
      A post shared by i am sophia (@sophia_roe) on Mar 10, 2020 at 9:47am PDT

      Hold Wellness Companies Accountable
      On that note, encourage those in positions of power to actively work towards addressing and dismantling racism in the wellness space. Message companies (studios, gyms, wellness brands, etc.) on social or email them asking how they are taking part in the current conversation on systemic racism—let them know that this impacts your decision to support them. Remember, as a customer, you hold purchasing power.

      Amplify Black Voices
      Support black leaders in the health and wellness space by listening to their podcasts, watching their videos, and following them on social. Repost, retweet, and reshare their work. Better yet, discuss their work in conversations with friends, family, and coworkers. Attend yoga classes, workshops, and retreats led by black instructors and teachers. If the wellness spaces you go to are mostly white, reach out to the owners to see how they can create more inclusive spaces where People of Color feel safe, welcomed, and acknowledged. More

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      17 Insanely Easy Habits That Will Change Your Life

      by

      Who doesn’t love a good makeover movie? Princess Diaries: royally iconic. She’s All That: Freddie Prinze Jr. was our generation’s first love. Clueless: Brittany Murphy looked bangin’ (even though that was way harsh, Tai). But life isn’t a late ’90s rom-com, and it takes more than a pair of contacts and a hair straightener to transform your life. Luckily, we’re out of high school and we’ve got bigger issues than getting the quarterback to ask us to homecoming (he always turned out to be a douche anyway). Instead, we’re focused on how to be our best selves and be happier. That means getting healthier, being kinder to ourselves, and getting sh*t done (because we deserve to have it all). No, a new wardrobe and a popular BFF won’t change your life, but these 17 insanely easy habits just might. 

      1. Make your bed
      At the risk of sounding like your mom, please make your bed. Not only will it feel good to get into a made bed at night, but it’s important for the success of your day. Making your bed first thing every morning means one small win before you even have a cup of coffee, which subconsciously will motivate you to achieve thousands of small wins throughout the day (and you know what they say about small wins: they lead up to really big ones). Plus, Gretchen Rubin found in her research that it’s the easiest and most common daily habit you can do to boost happiness.

      2. Organize to-do lists based on life goals
      Making a to-do list is no revolutionary hack, but how are you setting priorities when you review what has to get done every day? Before making your next to-do list, ask yourself where you want to be in 5-10 years. Everything on your to-do list should be taking a step towards achieving these goals. For example, strategize business growth, spend 30 minutes taking an online class, or work out if your goal is to be more active. In other words, to-do lists of even the simplest tasks should have a long-term perspective.
      Making your to-do list with goals in mind will show you where you should be spending time and where you can be spending less time. Of course, you’ll always have to do the mundane house chores or tedious tasks, but figure out where you can outsource these items, and prioritize what will get you closer to your goals first thing so you make sure to get it done (yes, that means a workout or the brainstorm meeting you’ve been putting off). 

      Source: Ambitious Kitchen

      3. Eat more leafy greens
      Getting healthier is not always a dramatic transformation. In fact, it’s typically a series of small habits and minor additions to your diet that snowball into a healthier lifestyle that’s all-around better for you. Don’t focus on cutting out food groups or limiting what you can and cannot eat (that can lead to bingeing or an unhealthy relationship with food). Instead, focus on adding leafy greens to at least two meals a day. Add spinach to an omelet, throw kale in a pasta sauce, and order a side salad when you’re eating out. 

      4. Give yourself deadlines
      You know from college all-nighters and projects at work that if there’s a deadline you have to meet, you find a way to get it done. What makes an assignment our bosses give us or a paper for “Shakespeare 101” different from a personal goal is that we don’t usually have a deadline to motivate us to accomplish it by a certain time. No matter how small or specific (like replacing your old couch, making friends with a coworker, establishing an emergency fund, or running three miles), give yourself a specific and realistic deadline. 
      If you’re still having trouble sticking to goals because you know your deadlines are “flexible” when you’re the one setting them, sign up for a marathon, announce the launch of your side project or business with a release date, or let a friend or family member know your deadline so they hold you accountable.

      Source: @charmedbycamille

      5. Instead of taking a social media break, get up and move
      You know it, you love it, you depend on it: the momentary pause from uninterrupted work to take a quick scroll through social media. At this point, opening Instagram might feel like second nature when you just finished one task and need a refresh before moving on to the next. But instead of scrolling through Instagram, checking Snapchat, or refreshing TikTok, get up and move your body to refresh yourself in between work tasks. A few jumping jacks, a mini dance party, a yoga flow, or just some stretches are enough to energize your body, reset your mind, and will help you focus better for the rest of the day. 

      6. Read more
      I’m the queen of excuses when it comes to reading more often. “I’m too tired,” “I don’t have any new books,” and “How am I expected to do anything else in my free time when all six seasons of Sex and the City are on Hulu!?” are excuses I use on a regular basis. But reading is not only enjoyable; it’s good for you. Whether it’s winding down before bed, taking a break in the afternoon, or as the ritual that you look forward to when starting your day, fit in some more time to read. As for what to read? Start with inspiring books, books to educate yourself, or enjoyable books that should be on your summer reading list. 

      Source: @twentysomethingplus

      7. Say “thank you” instead of “I’m sorry”
      I have a terrible habit of saying “sorry” all the time. I say “sorry” when I need someone to repeat what they said or I bump into a stranger, and I apologize profusely for being late or making a mistake. While “sorry” is just a word, language can affect the way we think and feel about ourselves, and women, in particular, are taught to be polite by putting themselves down. Instead of “sorry,” make a conscious effort to say “thank you” instead.
      “Thank you for being patient!” instead of, “Sorry for being late!” is another way to practice gratitude, but it’s also a consistent way to be kinder to yourself. BTW, saying sorry in relationships is crucial when you made a mistake or hurt the other person’s feelings, but showing gratitude be even more important.

      8. Tidy up your space before bed
      I know, I know: the last thing you want to do at the end of a long day is clean (the horror!). But dishes in the sink or laundry piled on the chair (we all have that one chair), can prevent us from feeling fully relaxed while going to bed at night or might make us more stressed starting the next day. Clutter in your space can translate into clutter in your mind, so dedicate five extra minutes before bed to run the dishwasher, wipe off kitchen counters, and declutter any papers or laundry that has piled up in the bedroom. A less cluttered bedroom will help you sleep at night, while a clean kitchen will make you happier the next morning. 

      Source: @homeyohmy

      9. Sit up straight
      Bad news for all the other slouchers out there: your posture might be affecting your physical and mental health. Practice better posture for overall health by straightening your back and relaxing your shoulders (and stop looking down at your phone while you’re at it!). Did you sit up taller just now? Good. 
      Start consistently working on improving posture throughout your workday (yes, even while working from home). If you want to be as extra as I am, you can also try setting reminders through phone alerts or sticky notes around your apartment, or you can set a note as your phone wallpaper to remind you to correct your posture whenever you check the time or read a text message.

      10. Take the stairs or walk extra steps
      Taking the stairs instead of the escalator or parking a bit further away from the grocery store will add up. If your schedule is so packed that fitting in a workout is causing you more stress, it might be hurting your health instead of improving it. It’s time we stop thinking of “exercise” as an hour-long HIIT class and make it about living more actively by moving whenever we can. As a rule of thumb, moving more often than you sit will make a big difference in your overall health and wellbeing.

      Source: @chrissyford

      11. Say “no” when you mean no
      How often do you avoid saying “no” when you want to? Do you find yourself doing favors for others when you’re already stretched too thin? Do you pick up work for coworkers when you’re too busy, say yes to plans you’re not excited about, or hang out with friends to avoid FOMO (even though you want a chill night in)? One of the most powerful things you can do for yourself is to say what you mean and be true to what you need. Master the art of saying “no.” Say, “I’d love to help you, but I can’t give the time and effort to this task that it deserves,” and “I need a night by myself tonight, but let’s get coffee this weekend,” whenever you feel the need to please. 

      12. Manage your money based on what brings you joy
      Listen, I’m the last person who should be giving financial advice. As a writer and a self-proclaimed “creative,” I never even thought about taking a business course in college, and the extent of my money knowledge upon graduation was how to budget for Starbucks. But one piece of financial advice really clicked for me: money is your life’s energy force. I started understanding money in a different way when I realized money was just an exchange of value for the effort and energy we’re giving about 40 hours every single week.
      Be thoughtful about how you want to spend your life’s energy; does it really bring you joy to go to drinks with that friend you don’t have fun with or to buy the top you’ll never end up wearing? Managing your money based on what does and doesn’t bring you joy will reduce stress that comes with spending money on the vacations, items, and experiences that you truly love. Also, invest in yourself: get the gym membership, purchase that online course, and open a savings account. The more money you put into something, the more likely you are to keep it up as a habit. 

      Source: @thelittletembo

      13. Mute (or unfollow) most social media accounts
      You may be the sum of the five people you spend your time with, but you’re also the sum of the five people you consume on Instagram. Unfollow or mute all the accounts that do not make you feel inspired, happy, or confident, and then crowd out the accounts that aren’t serving you with accounts that inspire you. Follow other women whose careers you admire, and find accounts that will bring you positivity whenever you are tempted to scroll (like, I don’t know, @theeverygirl, for a totally random example).  
      Also, rethink whether the bloggers, celebs, and brands you follow are providing you with inspiring content, or if their posts just make you feel bad about where you are in life. Likewise, it’s time to mute or unfollow that frenemy you had in high school or your sorority sister’s ex-boyfriend’s cousin that you met a few times. Instead of watching other people’s lives, go live your own. 

      14. Get more sleep
      Easier said than done, right? But don’t worry: even though it might feel like getting more sleep is impossible, it’s a habit just like anything else. Detox your sleep routine, try some of our favorite products, or stop looking at your damn phone to fit in a little more (quality) beauty sleep. You can also try getting to bed just five minutes earlier than the night before until you wake up feeling refreshed and energized instead of zombie-like. Also, let’s all stop hitting the snooze button, OK? It’s only confusing the body, and if you’re going to sleep early enough (curse you, Netflix!), you should be waking up naturally and easily. 

      Source: @missenocha

      15. Donate $5 to a new organization or charity every month
      It may sound counterintuitive to spend money more often if you’re like me and your bank account is a constant source of stress. However, feeling a lack of something (whether it’s time, love, or money) is all mental, no matter what. It’s a cliché glass-half-empty situation; realizing you have enough water (or money) to give some away will show you the glass is half-full instead. 
      But more important than even our own finances is what we can do to help other people. Compassion, support, and empathy should be a part of our routines, just like brushing our teeth or doing a load of laundry. Take the time to educate yourself on organizations and charities that need your help, and then donate what you can regularly (FYI, even the price of one latte can make a difference). 

      16. Set your alarm a few minutes earlier than you need to
      If your mornings feel more like a race against the clock or an episode of Chopped, consider waking up extra early to have a slow, calm start to your day. You might have limited control over your mornings (like an early work start time or a child to take care of), so waking up just 10-15 minutes earlier than you need to will help you feel more in control and calmer throughout the entire day. Whether you spend your time meditating, indulging in a luxurious skincare routine, or just brewing a cup of coffee with a moment of silence, you will not miss the 10 minutes of extra sleep. 

      Source: Sassy Red Lipstick

      17. Limit your decision making
      We make a lot of decisions every single day, even just within the first few minutes of waking up: whether or not to hit snooze, what to wear (which is approximately 100 different decisions), when to turn on the coffee pot, to be or not to be (that is the question–especially when you didn’t get enough sleep last night). The little decisions add up to be overwhelming. Decision fatigue is a real thing, and it’s why we opt for pizza delivery instead of cooking at the end of a long day or forego the workout altogether if we have to think about which time slot works best.
      To keep up with healthy habits, limit decision making as much as possible and reduce decision fatigue. Meal prep all your lunches, sign up for workout classes in advance (or put a workout in your calendar so you can’t skip it), and try a go-to outfit formula so you don’t have to think about what to wear. The purpose of forming habits is so you don’t have to think about whether or not to wake up earlier, go to bed sooner, or do the dishes after dinner; you do it because there’s no option not to. 

      What habits have changed your life the most? More

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      Women of Color: Let’s Give Ourselves Permission to Do Less

      by

      The most profound thing my therapist ever taught me was not a lesson she taught. It was a question she asked: why do you feel like you have to do it all, right now? She sat across from me in her dimly-lit office, legs crossed at the ankles, calmly sipping tea from her blue patterned mug and asked again, another way: why the urgency? I paused. Took a moment to imagine myself not urgent. She had only known me a few weeks then, but she already knew me as a person who lives in totality, despite the costs of living such a lifestyle. She recognized me as a person who wants to be her whole self. Explore all her passions. Share all her gifts—even at the expense of well-being. It wasn’t until that day that I stopped and asked myself, why the urgency? Why was I pushing myself to achieve more, climb higher, and work harder than anyone ever asked or expected me to?The answer, for me, lies in my identity as a Black woman.
      When I was young, I remember being told that I would always have to work twice as hard for half as much. Being told that education was mandatory, but even that wouldn’t be enough. Being disappointed in myself for getting one B on my report card, one time. Still being told, later, that my success was a gift of my race and not a result of my life’s hard work. Those lines spoken then manifested later in anxiety and imposter syndrome. I developed an intolerance for average. An insistence on exactness. A relentless pursuit for perfection that landed me here, now, watching my therapist sip her tea and marvel at my mayhem. After the session, I did some deep soul-searching and realized my urgency was coming from a sense of perfectionism that wasn’t my own; it was a result of the world as seen and experienced by a Black woman for whom nothing came without a fight. Once I realized that, I also realized I no longer wanted to live that way. I wanted to ditch the urgency and find balance. Shed the burden of fear, inferiority, anxiety; replace it with self-care, self-love, self-worth. But how? If, like me, you are a Black woman or Woman of Color who finds herself overwhelmed, off-balance, and/or consistently doing too much: keep reading as I share my story. For me, finding balance came as a result of some shifts in mindset, attitude, and priorities.

      I began demanding less of myself, and more of other people.
      At some point, I realized that while I was placing exceptionally high expectations on myself, my expectations of others—especially regarding how I allowed them to treat me—were exceedingly low. To flip that around, I began by acknowledging my worth. I was dealing with a wicked case of imposter syndrome, which caused me to credit my every accomplishment to luck, circumstance, or both. When I had writing published, I assumed it was because the publication was desperate. When that published writing was later awarded, I assumed someone only did it as a favor to me. When I was accepted to a Ph.D. program, I figured it was because of who I knew; not my own merit. The list goes on and on. Shifting this mindset caused me to consider each of my accomplishments individually. To celebrate those accomplishments. And then, to let myself off the hook of my own high expectations. 
      After acknowledging my worth, the next step was demanding that others did the same. I began to take notice of the people who were always quick to put me down. Those who tended to ask clarifying questions about how I accomplished what I accomplished, instead of first celebrating my accomplishment. These were the same people who would joke about earning something without even trying, knowing that I actually worked hard and tried (unsuccessfully) to earn that same thing. I started speaking up for myself when these things happened. I started demanding respect. And if/when these people still refused to acknowledge my worth, I walked away.

      I confronted the problematic nature of my role at work.
      If like me, you’ve been the first “diverse” hire at an organization, you’re probably already aware that there’s a lot of pressure. And this pressure is emphasized when people of color are hired into leadership positions, especially by organizations specifically looking to make a diversity hire and/or show their “commitment” to diversity, equity, and inclusion. As described in Nonprofit Quarterly, when white leaders are hired into an organization, they are encouraged to “fail forward,” using failure as a tool to learn and grow. However, this isn’t the case for Black leaders. When we fail, we’re only proving to those who hired us that we were not a good “fit” for the organization. We’re also giving them the excuse to say, “well, we tried to hire a diverse leader, but it didn’t work.” The pressure that Black workers and leaders endure from their staff, boards, etc. to “get it right” comes from the knowledge that a steep learning curve or even a minor mistake could cost not only you your job, but could also mean that other Black people won’t be considered for that job (or similar jobs) in the future. 
      For me, the first step in combating this issue was recognizing that it existed in the first place. And by existed, I mean this wasn’t just me overreacting or making something out of nothing. This was a systemic issue rooted in bias and prejudice. After I educated myself, I helped to educate others. From there, I began to point out microaggressions in the workplace, and advocate for myself when I wasn’t given the same grace as others. I knew this would be scary—and risky—but without speaking up for myself in this way, I feared I would never have the positive workplace experience I deserved. 

      I ditched the perfectionism for self-care.
      In the workplace, Black people and people of color often feel pressure to be perfect. I used to believe that even asking for help would be proof to everyone that I did not belong. Whenever I felt the urge to express vulnerability, I forced myself to maintain a cool demeanor (ironically, the same cool demeanor that often made my coworkers and employers refer to me as “unlikeable”). Little did I know, the ridiculously high standards I was placing on myself were a result of a harmful white supremacy culture that I had fallen victim to. As far as I could tell, advocating for oneself and/or taking care of oneself were behaviors reserved for those with privilege. I watched in awe as my coworkers talked back to the boss in meetings and showed up late for work without apology; meanwhile, I was always on time and submissive, yet still, the first one demoted, laid off, fired.
      Instead of focusing on being “perfect,” I began to congratulate myself for working hard; for accomplishing tasks; for staying positive. Truthfully, it is still hard for me to ask for help in the workplace. My hope is that the more I am accepted, the more vulnerable I will be able to be in these spaces.

      I focused more on life and less on work.
      Something I had to come to terms with was the fact that for me, work-life would always come with added challenges as a result of race, and race alone. No matter how satisfied I might be in a workplace, the fact remains that I have never worked anywhere where I was not stereotyped, dismissed, rejected, humiliated, undermined, etc. in ways that my white counterparts were not. Once I accepted this harsh reality, I made a radical decision: I would value rest over being busy. Our culture brainwashes us into believing that our worth is tied to our productivity. I had to unlearn the harmful belief that I could not rest, relax, or take a day off without compromising everything I’d worked so hard for. Once I shed that negative mindset, I placed energy into being present in all aspects of my life, and not just those deemed worthwhile by American society.
      I also embraced self-care and ditched self-neglect. For me, self-care looks like a lot of things. It looks like yoga and meditation. Taking candle-lit bubble baths on Wednesday nights. Blocking negative energy (and people) on social media. Scheduling mental health days. Bingeing Netflix. Bingeing fresh-baked cookies and ice cream. Whatever it takes to remind myself that I am worthy; valued; appreciated.

      For many Black women and Women of Color, it is not simply a question of finding work-life balance. It is a question of balancing so much more: balancing expectations people have of you with your expectations of yourself; balancing self-hate and self-love; balancing your conception of what you need to accomplish to be successful versus how others are privileged to define success. Finding my balance has been less about sacrifice and more about standards. My new commitment is to myself; not to others. I’ve wasted enough of my energy trying to prove to others that I am good enough. Now, it’s time to convince myself that I’m good enough. That I’m worthy of my job. Worthy of my accomplishments. Worthy of success. Worthy of rest. I am still a work-in-progress, but it feels good these days to move around with a little more balance, and a little less urgency. More