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      11 Ways to Break Bad Habits That You Haven’t Tried Yet

      by

      Our brains are just like computers (or like the iPhone 11, for all the other millennials out there). All iPhones, and all people, have some “coding” that may not be beneficial. For iPhones and computers, this looks like a glitch in the system. For humans, this looks like bad habits. Luckily, we can rewire the brain to code a little differently and break bad habits, no matter how programmed they are into our routines.Breaking bad habits, like that caffeine addiction, constant scrolling through Instagram, staying up too late, complaining too much, or procrastinating at work, can not only make your life better, but will build confidence and form good habits. Read on for 11 ways to break out of negative routines that you probably haven’t tried yet:

      1. Keep track
      The first step in breaking a habit is increasing your awareness. Maybe you know that you mindlessly check Instagram throughout the day, but you’re not sure exactly how much you’re scrolling or when you’re reaching for your phone out of habit. Maybe you know you need to quit drinking soda but are not sure how many cans you’re sipping on throughout the day.
      Without judging, start keeping track of the bad habit. Try recording each can of soda you drink or have your phone track how many times you check Instagram every day. Plus, sometimes setting measurable goals can help make changes. When you know you hit the snooze button three times before getting up, you can set a goal to hit “snooze” only twice by the next week, and use baby steps to reach the final goal (AKA not hitting “snooze” at all). 

      2. Identify the trigger and then replace the habit
      To stop the habit, identify the trigger. For example, maybe you reach for a piece of candy every afternoon like clockwork. Is it a sweet tooth craving? Keep a stash of dark chocolate so you always have a better option on hand. Is it stress? Take a five-minute break and do something relaxing instead of eating the candy. Is it exhaustion? Take a walk around the block to get more energy. Get curious about why (and when) your bad habit is happening, so you can either avoid the trigger or replace the habit with something better for you. 

      Source: @mylittlebooktique

      3. Trick yourself into changing habits “temporarily”
      There’s a reason going vegan for 22 days worked for Beyoncé; the program is based on the fact that it takes 21 days to form a habit. The key to this trickery is that you’re telling yourself that you only have to stop a bad habit (or keep up a good habit) for a certain amount of time. You’re not telling yourself to stop forever, and therefore, it feels much more doable than making drastic and lifelong changes. For a real-life example, mornings have notoriously been hard for me. A couple of years ago, I decided I wanted to get a better handle on my mornings and thought that making my bed would be a good place to start (it only took 24 years, but I finally became a real adult).
      I made a goal to make the bed for 21 days straight. Sure, I could’ve returned to my same slob-kebab ways after the few weeks were up, but by that point, making the bed was already a habit. Of course, the goal was always permanent change, but staying focused on a short-term accomplishment helped me keep the routine, while I was simultaneously building habits that were better than the sleeping-in-until-the-last-second-possible habit that I had going for me before. And if this strategy is good enough for Beyoncé, it’s good enough for me. 

      4. Leave reminders where you’ll see them
      Sometimes we keep up bad habits because they’re hard to break, and other times we keep up bad habits because we don’t to remember to stop. If you want to stop mindlessly scrolling on Instagram, make your iPhone wallpaper a note that reminds you not to open the ‘gram every time you reach for your phone out of habit. If you want to stop snacking (when you’re not even hungry), leave a sticky note on the fridge or pantry door to remind you to drink some water instead. Whether you need a subtle nudge or an obnoxious reminder (my habits typically require the latter), use phone alarms, sticky notes, or signs to ensure you can’t act on the bad habit without seeing the reminder. 

      Source: @ambrasbrice

      5. Get yourself an accountability buddy
      So you’ve heard that working out with a friend will get you to work out more often, or that planning to eat healthier with your significant other will make you more successful. But when it comes to any habit, we sometimes need more than just ourselves to be accountable. If you want to break your caffeine addiction, ask your work wife if she would be down to do the same, or at least help you limit your daily cups of coffee. Knowing she’ll check in with you or see you drinking another espresso during a Zoom meeting will help motivate you to go for green tea instead.
      PS, I speak from personal experience when I say there is nothing more motivating than knowing an entire social media following (no matter how big or small) knows you’re trying to break a habit. If there’s not one specific person you can ask to be your accountability buddy, post about your goals on social media, or text about it in your group chats. Just knowing other people are aware of your bad habit will help you break it. 

      6. Make unrelated good decisions
      “Confidence” is the ability to keep promises to yourself. Mind-blow, right? Whether or not that lesson shook your world like it did mine when I first heard it, we often keep up with bad habits because we’re not confident or proud in other areas of our lives. We think, I already skipped my workout today, so why not order a pizza for dinner?, or Since my day is ruined from staying up late and watching Netflix, I’ll work on my side hustle another day instead.
      These theoretical debacles may sound silly, but how many times have a couple of bad choices in your life snowballed into more bad choices? Making good choices (even unrelated to the bad habit) will not only make you feel proud of yourself, but will make you feel confident enough to overcome whatever bad habit is holding you back. Likewise, every time you replace any negative routine with a better action, you’re keeping promises you made to yourself, and therefore, building self-confidence. 

      7. Start fresh regularly
      When you skip a workout, binge bad foods, stay up too late, or scroll through Instagram too long, it doesn’t make you bad; it makes you human. Habits are harder to break when we expect perfection. Any slip-up or “bad day” doesn’t mean you failed or are back at the beginning; it’s a normal part of the habit-breaking process. Get rid of the all-or-nothing mindset that one slip-up erases the progress you made previously. Give yourself a clean slate every day, every hour, or even every minute if you need to remind yourself that one unhealthy choice doesn’t negate all the other healthy choices. Rather than focusing on the goal of breaking the bad habit, remind yourself that anytime you just do more of what’s good for you, you’re on the right track. 

      Source: @missalexlarosa

      8. Use visualization
      Breaking bad habits is not just a physical, action-oriented process. After all, a goal needs to be more than just words on paper or an idealistic outcome. You have to see it to make it mean something. If you’re working on bad spending habits, don’t just picture yourself without the money issues, but visualize how your life would be different with more money. With any habit, visualize how getting rid of the bad habit would change your life. Will you have more time to start your side hustle or more money to feel financially stable? Will you feel more well-rested and energized to be able to accomplish the big project at work, or will you feel happier with less stress and anxiety?
      Also, change your identity surrounding the bad habit. If you keep hitting snooze, maybe you think of yourself as lazy, or a night owl instead of a morning person. Instead, start telling yourself that you are a morning person and that you do wake up energized and active. To use one of my favorite quotes, visualize your best self, and then start showing up as her. 

      9. When you realize you’re making excuses, do more
      One of the most valuable pieces of advice that I received when it came to my mediation practice is that on the days where you find yourself saying, “I have no time to meditate today,” then meditate for twice as long. We makes excuses when there’s no immediate reward and wants to stay with what’s comfortable. So if you find yourself saying, “I’ve had a really stressful day and need this Diet Coke,” that’s when you really need to drink extra water instead. If you’re telling yourself not to work out because your favorite leggings are in the laundry, add an extra five minutes to your usual workout time. Excuses are just stopping you from breaking bad habits, so counteract the excuse with even more motivation.
      Quick side note: when trying to break a bad habit, excuses are more common than reasons (“It’s a stressful day, so I’ll stop drinking coffee tomorrow instead,” is an excuse). However, if you listen to your body and decide that it’s feeling too depleted to do an afternoon workout and a relaxing bath would be better for you, that’s a genuine reason, not an excuse. You won’t be able to instill good habits if you’re not intuitive with what your body wants and needs, so learn to decipher between reasons and excuses. 

      Source: @theyusufs

      10. Surround yourself with people who bring out the best in you
      You’ve probably heard the saying that you’re the sum of the five people you spend the most time with (and yes, that includes your competitive coworker or judgmental frenemy). If you’re trying to eat healthier but your friends don’t know kale from spinach, or if you want to go to bed earlier but your roommate keeps telling you to stay up later to finish the second season of The Politician, breaking these habits are going to be tough.
      Your environment matters more than almost any other factor when it comes to habits, and the people in your life are what form the environment. Even if you can’t break up with the people who share your bad habit, spend more time with people who have habits you want to adopt. Ask the coworker who goes on morning runs to get a juice before work, or ask your sister what book she’s reading if she always reads before bed instead of watching TV. If your environment isn’t setting you up for success, reinvent it. 

      11. Remember the “why”
      Sure, we all have goals we want to accomplish, but we often focus on the surface-level goal, rather than the end goal. For example, you might say your goal is “to go to the gym more.” But why do you want to go to the gym more? Is it to feel stronger, live a long and healthy life, or feel more confident in yourself? Those are much more motivating goals than simply going to the gym. The same goes for habit-breaking too. Why do you want to stop drinking coffee, stress eating, or being late? Identify your reason and remind yourself of the end goal every time you’re tempted to fall back into old patterns. 

      What bad habits would you like to break? Which tips have helped you? More

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      5 Exercises to Strengthen Your Core at Home

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      Are you missing your typical workout routine as much as we are? We know it’s been months since you’ve gotten to clip into a bike at a spin studio, had a Body Pump instructor barking at you to squat lower, or blazed a trail on the treadmill. We’ve been stuck working out from home, which isn’t as exciting as exercising in a fancy gym or club-esque boutique studio, but the work itself remains important—especially when it comes to your core muscles. Your core is the epicenter of your body’s success, helping you with everything from stabilization to breathing.The best part of core exercises is that they can be executed without any added weight—your body alone can add resistance to crank up the intensity of the exercise and continue to challenge you. The number of core exercises and variations are seemingly endless, but let’s face it: the motivation to actually complete an ab workout solo or at the end of the rest of your workout can be low. These five exercises in particular are ideal; they’re going to attack all parts of your core, can be done from the comfort of your living room carpet, and will keep you from the mundane routine of crunching yourself into oblivion.

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      Planks are the most classic core move there is, but despite its constant presence in ab routines and group fitness classes, it never gets easy. Starting out on your forearms, extend your legs back behind you and come onto your toes, making yourself flat as a board. Now, it’s time to hold for as long as you can, or to do sets of 30-second rounds. The challenge here comes from ensuring your butt is down and your back is flat. Plank intensity can be increased by raising a leg, an arm, or both to add some instability. This exercise not only has a ton of options for variation, including side planks or raised planks, but it works all the muscles in your core at once.

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      Bird dogs will help strengthen the core through both contraction and balance. This move will help to train your whole core, and will help strengthen your lower back. Start out in a tabletop position on your hands and knees. Extend one arm out and at the same time, extend the opposite leg out. Then, bring both the extended arm and leg in underneath your stomach and squeeze. You can do a certain number of reps on one side and then switch sides, or do alternating reps. The element of balance comes in when the arm and leg are extended, and the other arm and leg are responsible for keeping you stable.

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      You’ll be channeling your inner superhero with this one. Contrary to popular belief, your lower back muscles are a part of your core—it’s not just about the washboard stomach up front. Start out lying on your stomach, and to execute one rep, contract your arms and legs up off the floor. After holding for a second, you’ll drop back down. Supermans work as a good counter-exercise to all of the other abdominal work you’re doing.

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      The tricky part about core work is that there are so many different muscles to train. Flutter kicks are an effective way to strengthen your lower abdominal muscles. Start out by lying on the floor and put your hands underneath your glutes or lower back. Next, raise your legs, shoulders, and head off the floor, and from there, you’ll begin to flutter your legs up and down, alternating which leg goes up while the other is coming down. This exercise can be done for time or for a number of reps. It’s important that you keep your legs, shoulders, and head raised off the ground the entire time. You may feel your neck and shoulders becoming tense, and if that’s the case, you can lower your head and shoulders to the floor and just focus on the leg motion. This won’t alter the results or benefit from the movement, but will help you to avoid injury. Once you become more comfortable with the movement itself, you can add back in the challenge of lifting your neck and shoulders off of the ground. 

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      Russian twists will help to burn out the main part of your core, and also turn up the heat on your obliques. Start out on the ground in a seated position, and raise your feet up off the ground. Next, you’ll literally twist from side-to-side, touching the floor beside your legs while keeping your feet raised. To increase the intensity, you can lean back further with your upper body creating a more difficult angle. This exercise is plenty tough without weight, but adding a dumbbell, heavy book, or detergent bottle will give an extra challenge. More

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      in lifestyle and culture

      Quarter Life Crisis or Comparison Trap? What to Remember When You Feel Lost

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      Six years into a successful career in PR, with amazing friends and family and my sweet dog napping next to me, I have a lot to be grateful for. I have always been driven, and am proud to say I’ve worked my butt off to get where I am today — from my professional position to my Toronto apartment and my rescue pup, Moose.  That’s why I was pretty shocked to find myself on the eve of my 28th birthday in tears. Not happy tears. More along the lines of, “What the hell am I doing with my life?” tears. Granted, some of this could be credited to the bottle of rosé I’d just enjoyed with my boyfriend, or the fact that I was ovulating. But there was something else: in the weeks leading up to my birthday, it felt like all my single girlfriends had announced engagements; and my married ones, pregnancies. Never major priorities before, I found myself feeling frantic — career success and personal accomplishments aside — was I behind?
      The thing they don’t tell us about our late 20s is the way our lives will look vastly different from the friends we feel so close to — and how to navigate this free of comparison. I thought I was too smart for the comparison trap — Instagram and social norms be damned. Well, here I am, and I’m sure I’m not alone. If you too are the token career woman in your friend group, here are some of the things I’ve found really helpful to ground me in what is truly fulfilling at this time in my life:

      Try something new
      Not as in, trying on wedding gowns. Find a way to connect with other like-minded women in your community who may be experiencing similar uncertainties and anxieties. You will probably be surprised to find the number of female-focused workshops and networking events in your area that can really open doors — even if it’s just a door in your own mind. This may sound daunting, but I promise if you attend just one, you’ll be glad you went.

      Source: @sezane

      Reflect on a ritual that brings you joy
      Something that you only need yourself for. We tend to feel “too busy,” but time to truly unwind on your own can help declutter your mind and validate the things in life that truly matter. This can be as simple as making a coffee, doing a workout, or writing. Do something just for you, on a regular basis, that has no expected return or outcome. What you gain internally just might surprise you.

      Source: Retha Ferguson | Pexels

      Chuck the five year plan
      Goal-setting is second nature to us career-focused gals, but it may be time to hit pause. If you’re feeling the immediate pressure of “keeping up,” your detailed roadmap to 40 may be compounding that pressure. As someone who was admittedly measuring my self-worth by the way others perceived my success, this moment of comparison made me realize it was time to take a step back from my goals, whether personal, professional, or financial. This doesn’t mean you’re back to square one or that those goals will change. There is true value in taking time to think critically about what brings you true fulfillment each day, and letting those goals fall into place or adjust naturally according to that fulfillment.  
      Your late 20s are weird: you don’t feel young but you don’t feel old, everyone is officially on very different life paths, and you’re realizing all the complications your 6-year-old dreamy self didn’t know existed. You’re going to be just fine — be brave, and let your happiness look different from your friends. It’s worth it. More

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      Being Pregnant During COVID-19: How I’m Staying Safe and Sane

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      I had big plans the last seven weeks of my second pregnancy—a huge birthday bash for my 2-year-old, a fancy Easter brunch for our little family of three, even a Pinterest-worthy list of activities to do with my firstborn before he became a big brother.Then the COVID-19 pandemic hit.
      At first, I wasn’t concerned. It felt like something happening far away, a global event that wouldn’t necessarily affect us in our little enclave in Northeast Florida.
      But that changed quickly. COVID-19 has become something that we’ve all had to face head-on, whether it be dealing with the stress of social distancing, having major events like weddings or birthday celebrations canceled, or worrying about an immunocompromised friend or relative. But being pregnant adds a whole new level of uncertainty.
      Here’s what I’m doing to stay safe and sane as a pregnant woman during the coronavirus outbreak.

      Taking Social Distancing Seriously
      While I love spending one-on-one time with my son, a big part of what keeps me sane as a work-from-home mom is largely dependent on my mom tribe. They’ve been there for me through bad days, stressful work situations, even silly fights with my husband. They’re my sounding board when I worry whether my son is hitting milestones as he should or if I need to take him to the pediatrician (again) for that rash.
      But when officials started encouraging social distancing, I knew I had to take it seriously. The research on how COVID-19 could affect pregnant women is slim, and the CDC says they still don’t know if it can be passed from an infected mother to her newborn. With that said, I knew staying away was what was best for me and my baby.
      Not being able to see my best friends every day has been rough. Postponing my son’s second birthday party was also heart-wrenching. Plus, entertaining my son on my own all day is hard. But I know it’s the right thing to do, not just for my specific situation but for the population as a whole.

      Source: @jyll_mackie via #sharetheeverymom

      Staying Informed—To a Point
      I’m a journalist, and it’s long been a habit to watch the news and stay informed. But the daily updates on COVID-19 are on a whole new level—towns on lockdown, restaurants, and bars closed across entire cities, even beloved celebrities testing positive. To be honest, it sometimes feels like we’re living in a George Orwell novel.
      With the news moving at such a breakneck pace, you could spend most of the day watching the coverage. But I’ve decided to only watch the news in the morning, during naptime, and at night. Any more than that and my anxiety starts to spike. Any less and I feel like I’m ill-informed.
      I’ve also stopped watching in front of my 2-year-old. While I’m not sure he really grasps what’s going on, I don’t want to inundate him with potentially frightening images or adult themes.

      Finding Stress Relief
      As someone nearing the end of her pregnancy, I realize that now more than ever it’s important for me to stay calm. Maternal stress has long been linked to preterm labor,  and the last thing I want to do (especially in the middle of a global epidemic) is to deliver early.
      So, I’ve decided to do everything I can to stay calm. I’ve completely finished the baby’s room, down to washing, folding, and putting away all the tiny clothes and hanging the art. I’ve cleaned out all our drawers and kitchen cabinets, put up new curtains, cleaned and organized long-neglected areas, and wrapped and assembled all my son’s birthday gifts. I’ve also made it a point to support several local small businesses (online, of course), while also squeezing in some time for binge-watching Netflix and reading two books I started ages ago.
      While your version of stress relief may look different than mine, I’ve found that checking things off my to-do list while stuck at home has gone a long way in reducing my stress level.

      Source: @thebeverlyadams

      Having a Backup Plan
      At my 32-week appointment, I asked my doctor about COVID-19 and how it might affect my delivery. She said to prepare myself to not have any visitors in the hospital apart from my husband. Immediately, the sweet visions I had in my head of my son meeting his little brother for the first time in a sunny hospital room, peering into the tiny bassinet at his tiny new brother tightly swaddled in a pink and blue striped blanket, went up in smoke. I wouldn’t get that.
      What she said shocked me then, but restrictions on visitors have become commonplace in recent weeks. I’ve decided to accept that I probably won’t get the birth I envisioned. And that’s OK. But I’ve also started preparing for less optimal situations.
      For example, what if there are too many cases of COVID-19 at our hospital and they can’t accommodate us? Our hospital recently had its first case, and I expect there will be more. Right now, I’m keeping an eye on the situation and researching other options, from delivering at other hospitals to a truncated hospital stay post-birth to yep, even home birth. And I’m not the only mom considering this option. Of course, talking to your own doctor is always the best course of action—they can provide advice and solutions directly relevant to your specific situation.
      The COVID-19 epidemic has affected us all, not just those of us expecting a baby in the coming months. I know there are people who are dealing with far worse situations than I am—those with immunocompromised children, those who still have to report to work and send their kids to daycare, and of course, those who have already contracted the infection or love someone who has.
      But being pregnant and on the cusp of giving birth right now is also really, really hard. Preparing backup plans and being mindful of my mindset is the best thing I can do for myself, and my family, at this time.

      This article originally ran on The Everymom More

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      Sex 101: How to Start Role-Playing With Your Partner

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      Undeniably, one of the best sex scenes in movie history is The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn. Are you kidding me? 15-year-old me had a sexual awakening watching Bella and Edward get it on in the water, all to end up in bed. I mean, the scene when she wakes up to a completely broken bed, pillow feathers strewn about the room sounds like exactly what my sex dreams are made of (you know, with less Edward Cullen and more LaKeith Stanfield). And lest we forget the other best sex scene in human history: Natalie Portman and Mila Kunis in Black Swan. You know, I claimed Black Swan as my favorite movie of all time for quite a while; somehow it only dawned on me a few years later that I just might be bisexual.But you know why movie sex scenes are just so absolutely sexy? It’s acting; there’s a sense of “these aren’t real people” to the whole thing. And you know what? Regular old folk like us can get that same feeling with just a little role-playing. 
      I’ll be completely honest: role-playing with your partner can feel really intimidating and, of course, totally weird and awkward if you’re new to it. But as most sexual things go, with practice and communication comes many orgasms! So here we go, a 101 guide to the best role-playing of your life. 

      Get your boundaries and safe words all laid out
      Before you and your partner become entirely different people for the night, talk over what you’re willing to do and what you’re not. It’s important to know what each of you is hoping to get out of the experience. For you, it might just be a fun, one-night-only thing. Your partner might want to add this to your usual rotation. Some people like to use role-playing to act out fantasies. Whatever you decide is amazing, just make sure it fits for both of you. As always, communication with your partner about sex is necessary here.
      You’ll also want to come up with any safe words if you’re practicing BDSM or anything similar. 

      How to decide what to role-play
      You absolutely can just come up with a character on the spot and go with it. But if you’re not an Oscar-winning actress just yet (maybe if I flesh out the cash for that Natalie Portman Masterclass, but I digress), it’s OK to take some time to figure it out and come up with it as you go. Of course, the easiest thing would be a different person. Maybe it’s your alter-ego. You don’t totally change your look, but you go by a different name and act a little different (for example, normally you’re more dominant in the bedroom, and instead you act a little more submissive). Pretend it’s your first date all over again. 
      On the other hand, you can also decide who to role-play based on your fantasies. What turns you on? Is it a student/teacher scenario? A nurse/patient? Two roommates? Make your decision on truly what turns you on, because it’ll just feel awkward and funny to you both if it’s not something you actually find sexy. 
      Will you add costumes? You certainly can! But to be fair, if your partner is of the male species, you might be able to get away with putting your hair in a different style and slapping on a smokey eye, and they’ll think it’s different enough. (If your partner is more observant, wigs are a very fun and inexpensive way to change things up!) If the scenario is a little more complex, think about getting into character. This might feel really awkward for your first time role-playing, so don’t be afraid to start small. Speaking of…

      Start small
      It’s OK if the first time you role-play doesn’t involve the sexy French maid costume of your dreams and a fully flushed-out script of everything you’ll say. It’s really easy and casual to start role-playing through text first. You and your partner can gauge how you enjoy it and feel about it without the pressure of “acting” in front of each other. 

      Don’t stress if you feel silly
      Role-playing can sorta feel like you’re back in high school musical theater if you’re not used to it, and that’s completely normal. It’s different and new, but it takes time to get used to being that way with your partner. Think of role-playing like a game, and of course, very few people are good at a game the first time they play.

      Change locations
      Obviously, we’re not heading out to our local hotel bar to reenact our first dates right now. Instead, change up the location of where you are. You can take a walk to the park and start your role-play there (finishing at home, of course). Or just change locations in your home. Get really into it and turn your kitchen island or dining table into a little bar set-up for the evening. You could pretend your home is a hotel. Get into the fun of it and let your imagination go. Sex is all about flexing your creative muscle.

      Some scenarios to try
      Classic power dynamics—boss/employee, teacher/student, guest/maid, nurse or doctor/patient, fitness instructor/student, landlord/tenant, etc. 
      Best friends
      Roommates
      Strangers
      Long-distance—try Skype/FaceTime sex even if you’re not in an LDR
      Massage therapist
      Food delivery (very peak COVID, am I right?) 
      Non-monogamy—one person remains themselves and the other is a stranger
      Photographer and model
      Don’t be afraid to really act
      It’s not weird to get into it; it’s your fantasy for crying out loud! Role-playing is about being someone else for a little and acting out all of your desires with your partner. It’s a fun way to try all those things you dream about without a ton of commitment. Try something and realize you don’t really enjoy it? Try something different! Role-playing is about trial and error, so don’t be surprised if you thought you’d love or hate something and it turns out to surprise you. That’s what sex is all about, really: tons of surprises! More

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      in health and weelbeing

      10 Things I Learned From My Immigrant Parents

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      Growing up, I really struggled with my identity. I was raised in a predominantly white suburb of Chicago as the child of Chinese immigrants, and was always left with a sense that I was different from my peers. When I started preschool, I couldn’t even fully understand English, and I was terrified. I became aware of how I couldn’t effectively communicate with others, and as I got older and tried to find myself, the struggle morphed into multiple identity crises involving my appearance, my beliefs, my struggle with learning two languages, my social life, and even the food I eat. How do you navigate assimilation without losing connection to your former culture?Throughout all this, my parents have always been there for me. They are my rocks; my solid ground to stand on and lean on for support. As I’ve gotten older and reflected on my experiences, I’ve come to realize how much my family has shaped me. They have taught me—through their words, actions, and personal experiences—some very important life lessons that I will hold onto and hopefully pass along to my own children. 
      I would say the way I’ve been raised is interesting. While it has many things in common with other immigrant children’s upbringing, parenting is extremely personal. As an adult, I now see the choices and sacrifices my parents have made for the benefit of their kids. I am extremely grateful for the foresight and self-awareness my parents have that helped me to become who I am today.
      Here are 10 lessons I’ve learned from my parents. 

      1. Hustle hard
      Moving to a completely new country halfway across the world is hard—like, really hard. My dad was determined to make a better life for himself and his family, so he busted his ass to do so, taking test after test and applying to graduate schools in the United States until he finally got accepted. That was his ticket to success. but the hard work didn’t stop there. He continued to work tirelessly, providing for our family of four, doing his best so that we could live comfortably. He’s shown me the value of working hard for what you want in order to accomplish your dreams. It takes guts and it takes perseverance. Some of my biggest fears in life are failure and rejection; it’s what stops me from making more daring decisions. But when I’m reminded of my family, I am able to reach inside of me and emulate their strength, finding myself reaching higher and higher, taking steps to achieve my dreams.

      2. Being strong in the face of adversity
      My parents experienced many atrocities throughout their childhoods and faced many difficult situations. They both grew up during a time of civil unrest and survived a food shortage, essentially living in poverty. They didn’t even have consistent access to electricity until they were out of college. That seems worlds away from the life in which I was raised, but never once have I ever heard my parents speak of their past with even a hint of bitterness. They keep their chins up and soldier on, looking forward to the future, no matter what. I see true strength in them and they never fail to remind me that people are capable of so much, and we can always work toward overcoming our struggles.

      3. Health should always come first
      The topic of health is a constant point of conversation in our household. My parents have drilled into my head that health comes before all else. It’s very difficult to take proper care of our business or others if we don’t take care of ourselves—it makes it so much easier to become overwhelmed. My mom always uses the analogy that our bodies are like batteries that need charging. If you’re depleted of all energy, how can you accomplish anything? If we’re able, then we should take diligent care of ourselves through cleanliness, proper nutrition, exercise, and sleep (though I am definitely terrible at that last one, sorry mom!). Through this constant reminder, I’ve come to better understand the value of this and see the truth behind it. We all wear many hats and I definitely think I am a better person all around when I take care of myself. It’s easier to be present and be a good daughter, friend, sister, student, and person overall.

      4. Never stop learning
      Something I learned very early on from my parents is that “brains are like sponges.” We are constantly learning things and we should never stop trying to. Knowledge is power, and no matter how old we get or what challenges we face, we can always gain something—an insight, a new idea, more understanding. They encouraged my curiosity, encouraging me to seek out the answers I wanted. My dad always gets so excited when I teach him something new, like a recipe or an interesting fun fact about a topic he doesn’t usually think about. I associate curiosity and the desire to learn with simply having enthusiasm for life.

      5. Love can appear in many different forms
      One of the most important lessons I’ve learned from my parents and through our culture is how everyone may show love differently. In some Eastern cultures, it is more typical that we show love through our actions rather than our words. My mom happily helping me with laundry or cooking food for me was an act of love, not just an act of obligation or devotion. But from living in the United States for so long, my parents have, over time, learned how to become more communicative as well. They’ve gotten much better about verbalizing how they feel and I love seeing how they change and grow as people. That desire to connect with their kids through their words showed their love as well. They wanted to bond with us and express their love in a way that their Westernized children could better understand. It shows that people all show love and affection in different ways—both culturally and individually.

      6. Always choose kindness
      My parents are two of the kindest, most generous people that I have ever known. They’re always quick to offer a helping hand or go out of their way to assist someone in need, and they never do anything with the expectation of having those favors be returned—they do it just because they’re good people. They have shown me that it doesn’t matter your background, your socioeconomic status, whether you’ve had a bad day or not—you can always choose to be kind. It’s taught me to always seek out the silver lining of every single situation, even when there doesn’t appear to be one at first. They have always emphasized that it’s important to put positivity out into the world and treat people well. In this sense, it’s kind of like good karma. When I make the effort to be positive in my thoughts, attitude, and behavior, I tend to receive it back in the form of kindness from others and opportunities and it becomes a positive loop. Plus, you never know what someone else is going through and it’s always worth it to try to make someone’s day.

      7. Frugality
      Of course, living a life of hardship leaves its marks on a person. Like many other immigrants, my family was very frugal. A sort of survival instinct was deeply embedded in their daily lives and habits. There wasn’t enough food to go around for a while, so they had to learn how to ration and share. New clothing was a luxury and a rarity, so learning to mend fabric was a necessity. Stocking up on supplies when they were available and affordable was a means of survival. Though we now live comfortably and don’t need to keep up some of these habits for survival, old habits die hard, and they’ve passed on some of these instincts to me. I find myself doing things like avoiding too much food waste, using supplies like paper towels and soap sparingly, and watching my water usage. Though it’s not entirely necessary, learning the skill of frugality has been helpful to me. I’ve learned to balance my spending between necessities and “wants,” and it even helps me be prepared in case something like an emergency happens.

      8. Choose your friends carefully
      My mother was always extremely adamant that I be careful about who I befriended. The people you are closest to most affect your development, personality, and behavior. She’d had her fair share of critics when it came to her choices over how she’s led her life and her actions. She’s been criticized for how she tried to raise her kids in a more moderate way, allowing us to become more Westernized, and how she gave up her career to move to another country, amongst other things. And honestly, who needs that kind of negative energy? We all deserve to be surrounded by those who love and support us.
       
      9. How to bridge differences
      Obviously, growing up in a household trying to merge and navigate two different cultures can be difficult. At times it’s both frustrating and messy not being able to see eye-to-eye on things, or not even be able to totally understand each other due to language barriers. Throughout the years, we’ve had to practice lots of patience with each other and try to keep an open mind. As I’ve grown into myself, it’s become more and more apparent that many of our opinions differ drastically. Being able to hold conversations about contentious topics we don’t agree on can be very aggravating and emotional. We’ve gradually learned how to express those opinions without stepping on each others’ toes too much, and I think this lesson has greatly aided me in my life in general. I love being able to talk to people who don’t necessarily agree with me and being able to have a constructive conversation about our opinions without offending each other.

      10. Food goes beyond simple nutrition
      Eastern medicine was a major part of my upbringing. Every time something was physically wrong with me, my parents tried to fix it with some concoction of herbs. Honestly, sometimes it seems like mumbo-jumbo, and to many people it probably is, but I’ve grown to accept and respect it more and am quite fascinated by it. Some have become more interested in traditional Chinese medicine, and there have been more efforts to research it. It goes back thousands of years—and hey, I’m an avid tea drinker anyway. What’s the harm in drinking some tea that’s supposedly good for me? It’s taught me that some of the foods we already consume can be used to purposely fuel and heal ourselves. For example, garlic has antimicrobial properties and chrysanthemum may help to decrease inflammation. I was raised to believe we can use food to heal ourselves from the inside out, and I think that’s kind of magical. Because of this, I’m very conscious of what types of foods I consume and pay very close attention to how it affects me. My mother has given me some herbal teas, and truthfully, whenever I feel a cold coming on, I always reach for them just in case. Maybe it’s a placebo or maybe it actually helps, but I usually end up feeling better, and that’s just fine with me.
       
      What types of lessons have you learned from your family? More

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      in health and weelbeing

      What Meditation Means to Black Women

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      The first time I decided to try meditation, I cried. It took all of 10 minutes and a meditation app on my iPhone to make me break down into tears after the calming voice on the app instructed me to open my eyes when I was ready. I wasn’t ready, and I began to cry: not from the sadness it might’ve brought on, but from the emotional and physical release it gave me. Who knew that all it would take was a few minutes of being mindful and present with myself at the beginning of my hectic day to help quiet my thoughts and put me at ease? Once I continued to meditate, I realized how essential it was to me as a Black woman, and how I was never taught about the practice, how to start, or the benefits it provides. Media’s portrayal of meditation doesn’t help paint the best picture of the practice either, as many Women of Color usually don’t have a quiet space in their home or neighborhood with no interruptions where they can go to escape to sit and chant their way to peace. 
      Meditation is a great practice that many Black women are starting to adopt to decrease stress and increase mindfulness, especially during these times where Black women specifically are plagued with so much mentally and emotionally. As a Black woman, the weight of the world feels particularly heavy, and any type of relief, from mindful meditation to mental health resources, is necessary to help find inner peace and sometimes, just to keep sane. Even if it’s just for a few minutes out of the day, meditation helps Black women in more ways than one. 

      Meditation helps us to be more mindful of our bodies
      Women, specifically Women of Color, tend to ignore the signs their bodies are giving them due to the busyness of work, taking care of children as well as significant others, and the demands of everyday life. According to a post written in 2017 by Dr. Alexander Hantel, M.D., women tend to ignore troubling symptoms like fatigue, discomfort in the chest, and weight loss that could potentially lead to long-term health issues. This is coupled with multiple studies showing that doctors often downplay, ignore, or misdiagnose female patients—specifically Black women, who face higher death rates from health-related complications than women of any other race in the United States. 
      Being able to check in with yourself during meditation helps you to connect and tap into how you are feeling emotionally, mentally, and physically, which could help point out any underlying ailments you may be experiencing. Plenty of guided mindfulness meditation apps help you “scan your body” mentally to assess how your body feels. Meditation helps you to not only identify that stiff shoulder from overworking or that migraine you put off from stress, but to not ignore them any longer. Taking the time to focus on you in the moment can bring about an awareness to your body that we as women often ignore for the sake of time and productiveness. 
      Using meditation as a means to connect with yourself physically can ultimately lead to taking action against any ailments you might be experiencing by following up with your health care provider to address these issues, putting yourself and your health first. 

      Meditation helps us reflect and release 
      Meditation not only helps us center ourselves and be present in the moment, but it also helps us to reflect and learn from our past, letting go of things that no longer serve us. This rings especially true for Black women, who face stress from work disparities due to race, economic inequity, and the double burden of gender and racial biases. 
      When I began to use meditation in my daily life, it helped me reflect on a lot of things I didn’t normally give myself space to. Practicing meditation sets a calm stage for your day and can aid in a better night’s sleep, putting away those things you need to release. 
      Whether you are listening to your favorite music and getting a few moments to breathe while getting ready for the day or releasing the day’s tension at night with a few candles and a moment to yourself in the bathroom, taking a step back to reflect and release helps to give your mind a place to sort out the stress of life. 

      Source: cottonbro | Pexels

      Meditation takes our focus off of the world around us—and onto ourselves  
      Black women are fighting many battles at once, and it doesn’t give us much room to pay attention to ourselves. With the current pandemic disproportionately affecting Black communities, as well as the continued racial tension caused by years of systemic racism that Black women have been on the frontlines for, combating and fighting for change, the world is heavy on Black women. 
      We don’t get a lot of time to strictly just focus on ourselves and how our bodies feel, constantly putting ourselves on the backburner in order to be of service and to take care of others first. When’s the last time you’ve truly been selfish? Taking the time out to find a few minutes to take a break and be present in the moment helps you take that focus off of the world around you and onto yourself. That’s the small role meditation can play: it gives you the space you need to re-center and refocus on what’s most important and should come first before anything: you. The world and all of its weight will still be there once you’re done. 

      Meditation helps us to fight another day 
      Meditation, in its own way, is a form of self-care: another way to take time out show yourself love, patience, and grace. Just like we carve out time to go to the nail salon or hairdresser, and exercise or spend time with friends when we can, meditation is another great form of taking care of yourself from the inside out. It also helps you increase your focus for more clarity in order to be able to tackle another day. What other time do you get to replenish yourself before or after the work emails, chasing the kids down, being a supportive partner, taking care of family and friends, all while trying to stay informed and active with what’s going around you? Being able to take a breath through meditation not only gives you time to mentally gear up for the day, but it also re-energizes you so that you can bring your full self to the world —a world that needs you for all that you are, Black woman. 
      As routine as brushing my teeth, meditation has become an essential part of my day, giving me the opportunity to replenish myself when I feel like the world has taken everything I can give. Some days, I meditate to relax, and other days, I meditate to release, but every time, once I hear the sound of the chime and the voice that instructs me to open my eyes when I’m ready, I come back to my surroundings more at ease with myself as a Black woman. 
       
      What does meditation mean to you, and how has it helped you navigate life as a woman of color?  More

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      7 Things Every Woman Should Know About Her Period

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      It sounds like a Judy Bloom novel or the preface of American Girl’s The Care and Keeping Of You (anyone else have some painful flashbacks just then?), but my uterus and I have never been on good terms. I got my period at 12 years old, was too embarrassed to tell any of my friends, and knew so little about female reproduction that I thought a period could only start on Mondays (the next month, I got it on a Wednesday, much to my chagrin). Since then, my period story has been part drama, part suspenseful mystery. I’ve dealt with unbearable cramps, severe mood swings, unexplained pain, random bleeding, multiple gynecologists that couldn’t figure out what’s wrong, dozens of birth control pill brands, and a routine monthly breakdown where I’d cry to my mom, “This just isn’t fair! Why me!?” 
      Enter: Berrion Berry. I first found Berry on Instagram (well worth a follow, FYI), and her content helped me change my mindset surrounding sexual health. She is a PMS and Period Educator, founder of  The Flo Academy, and host of the podcast “Flow with Berrion Berry” (aptly named, right?). I knew I wasn’t the only one struggling with my period or lacking knowledge on how to heal myself, so I picked Berry’s brain for the tips, tricks, and info every woman should know about her period. Spoiler alert: it’s informative as hell. 

      Source: @berrionlberry

      For the record, Berry’s mission is to inform. What you do with your body is entirely up to you, and only you know what’s best for it (but more on that below!). With that being said, here are 7 things every woman should know about her period: 

      1. There’s more to your cycle than just your period.
      When we refer to our cycles, we often are talking about the days we’re bleeding. However, even though it’s the most obvious (and obnoxious) phase, the actual period is only one small piece of the puzzle. Yes, there’s the menstrual phase, but there’s also the follicular phase, the ovulatory phase, and the luteal phase. Your body is constantly evolving and changing based on the phase that it’s in, and each phase requires just as much care and attention as the menstrual phase. 

      Source: @berrionlberry

      2. Tracking your cycle can be powerful.
      Period apps can be tedious to keep up with, but knowing what phase your body is in can be incredibly powerful. Berry recommended cycle syncing, which means aligning everything from diet to exercise to work style with your cycle. She explained that the four phases act as a blueprint to help balance hormones and alleviate pain (sign me up!). Let me break it down for you:
      The Menstrual Phase: When you start bleeding, focus on restoring, replenishing, and refueling the body. Berry recommended eating comfort foods, sleeping in, taking things slow, and going for a walk or doing a vinyasa flow.
      The Follicular Phase: Once your period ends, focus on reconnecting with the external world. Hormone levels are beginning to rise, so you’re probably feeling like you can conquer the world. Go on that first date, turn up the intensity of your workouts, and make some plans with friends.
      The Ovulatory Phase: With the surge of both estrogen and the luteinizing hormone, you’ll feel incredibly productive. Launch the new program you’ve been working on, work longer hours if you want to, or take on a new challenge. Berry also recommended strength, resistance, and power training during this time, as well as getting in enough healthy fats and fiber (since your appetite might increase).
      The Luteal Phase: Un-lovingly referred to as PMS, this phase requires relaxation, as estrogen levels are typically at their lowest. Get all the macronutrients your body needs, turn down workouts to gentle pilates or going on walks, and be kind to yourself as you may experience shifts in mood and energy levels. 

      3. Birth control is no easy decision (and you should know all your options).
      Between the NuvaRing, shots, IUDs, the patch, and pills, picking a method of birth control is as confusing as deciding what to get at a breakfast buffet (if I fill up on scrambled eggs and hash browns, will I regret not getting pancakes!?). Whether you opt for hormonal birth control to ease period symptoms or for actual birth control (or both, which is most often the case), the method that’s best for you is extremely personal. What’s right for your best friend, or even your gynecologist, may not be right for you. Whether you prefer hormonal birth control or a hormone-free method, research all your options, identify the root cause of any symptoms, and talk to your doctor about what’s best for you.

      Source: @berrionlberry

      4. If you have difficulty understanding your body, it’s not your fault.
      One of the many reasons I’ve loved following Berry’s career and killer Instagram is because she makes me feel OK for past mistakes (AKA my years of excessive Advil consumption) and for the fact that I’ve had a period for over half of my life and I still don’t totally understand my body. Berry explained, “A lot of research is done on men (they’re on a 24-hour hormonal clock), and not as much on women (we’re on a 28-day hormonal clock). I think the lack of research for women plays a massive role in why it’s so difficult for women to understand their bodies.”
      Of course so many of us struggle with the right birth control method, painful period symptoms, and even talking about our sexuality and periods. Not only have women historically been studied less, as Berry pointed out, but women’s sexual and reproductive health has been taboo (I mean, did you learn about the clitoris in seventh-grade Sex Ed? I certainly did not). Don’t feel guilty about what you struggle with, feel uncomfortable with, or don’t know. Instead, educate yourself (on your body and your options). Don’t be afraid to ask questions. While we’re at it, can we all agree to talk comfortably and openly about our periods, once and for all? A period is as natural as breathing, and it’s time we start acting like it. 

      Source: @berrionlberry

      5. PMS can be your body’s way of communicating with you—know that it’s OK to slow down
      A girl’s gotta do what a girl’s gotta do when cramps and back pain are coming on strong (see #4).  Of course, you’re going to do what you can to treat the symptom, but don’t forget to look at the big picture to understand where the symptom could be coming from. Work on improving your overall health every day (not just that time of the month), and try to assess whether stress, diet, or another source could be affecting your symptoms. 
      One of my favorite sayings is “whatever men can do, women can do while bleeding,” and it is so true (need I mention that we can do it while also wearing six-inch heels?). Let’s take a minute to cue up Run the World (Girls) on Spotify and celebrate how badass women are. Now that we’ve established that and have Beyoncé on repeat, you also need to know that you can be both a motivated, hard worker who is destroying the patriarchy, while simultaneously slowing down during that time of the month.
      Your body is literally shedding uterine lining and releasing an egg; it’s no simple feat. Don’t beat yourself up if you’re not keeping up with a typical workout routine or if productivity is lacking at work. Berry suggested, “Take the time to go within and give yourself permission to just bleed and be. During your period, you need to focus on you and your needs, not everything and everyone else.”

      Source: @berrionlberry

      6. Be mindful of what you’re eating (yes, even on your period).
      Now that we’ve established period symptoms can be a reflection of everything from diet to stress, you already know that eating healthy foods (and enough healthy foods) can be crucial to your cycle. Berry says one of the most common mistakes many women make when it comes to their period health is eating too much sodium, refined oil (like palm oil or vegetable oil), and sugar. 
      If you’re craving something heavier or sweeter on your period, listen to your body and make a rice dish or have a few squares of dark chocolate after dinner; your body knows what it needs. However, using that time of the month as an excuse to eat all the ice cream and greasy foods you can fit into a week isn’t helping symptoms. Berry said, “I’m a big fan of honoring cravings because it’s how the body communicates needs. Give yourself grace when you’re on your period, but don’t use it as an excuse to just eat junk food and perpetuate painful period problems.”

      7. You know your body better than anyone else.
      At the end of the day (or the end of your cycle), only you know what your body needs. Even if your period is painful, heavy, or random, it’s not trying to ruin your life (I promise!); it’s just doing what it’s supposed to do. You are the best advocate for your own body, so keep a journal of symptoms you’re feeling, and talk to your doctor so you can work with the ebbs and flows of your cycle—instead of working against it. 
      Personally, I’m still not as excited on my period as women in Tampax commercials seem to be, but with a little help from Berrion Berry, my trusty MyFlo app, and a whole lot of self-healing. While I’m only at the first step of a longer reproductive health journey, it’s the beginning of a story between me and my body that I should’ve started a long time ago. Berry said it best, “Remember that it’s your body and your choice. You are your best advocate, so make sure you’re the one taking care of yourself.” More