Subterms
Sure, Tik Tok is entertaining as hell (even if I feel way too uncool for some of the dances. Read:
The post 10 Easy Habits to Help You Spend Less Time on Social Media (That Will Actually Work) appeared first on The Everygirl. More
I once read that happy couples have sex once a week. So, when I was having more or less than that in a relationship, I started feeling like my sex life was wrong, and my relationship was doomed to failure. On to the next one, I suppose!Relationship comparison is so real. Whether you’re scrolling through Instagram or Facebook, watching To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before and swooning over Peter and Lara Jean’s innocent and beautiful romance, or talking with friends and family, it’s easy to feel like you’re relationship isn’t what’s considered “normal,” especially when it comes to intimacy.
You’re supposed to wait three dates to have sex, one year to move in together, and two years to get engaged, and another year until you get married — all these arbitrary timelines are exhausting! Of course, we all want to be in the happiest relationship, but why do we have to follow the same timeline as everyone else? In the same vein, why do we all have to have sex the same amount of times in a week?! So, I looked into a few sociological studies and decided how much sex we really should be having if we want the best relationship possible.
What the studies say
Sociologists love studying couples almost as much as they love studying sex, so there’s tons of information out there on how often happy couples should be sleeping together. A 2015 study published in Social Psychological and Personality Science studied 30,000 couples over 40 years. They discovered that having sex once a week was the perfect medium for couples; however, couples having more sex weren’t more or less happy, but couples having less did report being less fulfilled sexually.
Another 2017 study in the Archives of Sexual Behavior found that the average adult prefers to have sex 54 times a year, which roughly equates to once a week.
My personal favorite study on the subject comes from Carnegie Mellon University. This study split couples into two groups: Group A kept their sex lives normal, while Group B had twice as much sex as they normally were having. At the end of the study, Group B actually reported that the sex “wasn’t much fun” and that it started to feel like a chore. Go figure.
So, what should we be doing?
This Carnegie Mellon study got it right. If there isn’t a strain on your relationship, and your needs are both being met, why should we (or science!) question how often you should be getting it on with your partner?! There’s really no need to mess with a good thing. It’s easy to feel like your sex life doesn’t measure up to someone else’s (i.e. that one couple your BFF knows who has sex every night vs. the other couple you know who is perfectly fine going once or twice a month).
Sexual pressure comes from all areas and reading up on study after study to tell you if your sex life is normal is pretty counterproductive. How often you’re having sex isn’t what makes a relationship “happy,” often sex comes when you’re feeling happy in your life. Stress at work, money troubles, or family drama all have a negative impact on our mental health and can decrease your libido. Just because you’re having less sex than your idea of normal doesn’t mean your relationship is bad.
Whether you’re having sex four times a week and loving every second of it or you enjoy your time in the bedroom once every two weeks, your relationship shouldn’t rely on a number of to be considered happy. You get to decide what your normal is, not science this time. Anyway, normal is just a social construct to make us feel inferior to others, so to that, I say, good riddance with whatever the heck normal is. More
Before the world fell apart, my friends and I loved to play this game where we would plan a girls’ night out which, after a few drinks, would time and time again turn into a girls’ night in. As much as I used to love hitting the town with my girl gang pre-COVID, the nights in were the ones that would allow us the true quality time to catch up, laugh at old memories, and look forward to the future. Staying in with my friends is my favorite way to recharge, and while I love vegging out and watching our favorite cringe-worthy reality TV shows, I equally love hanging out with purpose. If there’s one good thing about quarantine, it’s the opportunity to slow down, catch up, and touch base with those closest to you (those being asymptomatic/also quarantined/COVID negative, of course!). Here are six ways to switch up your favorite Netflix binge-a-thon with your besties to foster new conversations, more ways to connect, and extra opportunities to belly-laugh.
1. Channel your inner Food Network star
I consider girls’ night to be incomplete without some yummy, indulgent snacks, and while raiding the grocery store for Flaming Hot Cheetos, Sour Patch Kids, and/or cookie dough might be your first go-to move, opting for ingredients to pop in the oven can be just as magical. Whether you go the Betty Crocker route or start from scratch (I would do illegal things for this double chocolate zucchini bread), roasting your best friend’s ex pairs well with warm, gooey chocolate and is bound to bring your GNI to the next level.
2. Host a game night
I. love. game. night. You could always go the traditional route with an instant, competitive classic like Life, Sorry!, Scrabble, Monopoly, or Settlers of Catan or you could opt for a game that sparks side conversations and is a bit more open-ended like We’re Not Really Strangers, The Voting Game, Hot Seat, Cards Against Humanity, For The Girls, or What Do You Meme (my personal favorite). Another favorite of my friend group is to invest in a huge puzzle and attempt to finish it before the wine runs out. So far, wine 2, puzzle 0.
3. Get crafty
Very rarely do I take the time to get crafty, but I love a good excuse to pretend that I’m Martha Stewart. Have your girls pitch in for supplies for a DIY project that can range from home decor and homemade beauty products (like these make-at-home face masks) to chunky knit blankets. You’ll leave girls’ night with more than just a mild hangover, a hoarse voice, and new memories—you’ll have a take-home souvenir, too!
4. Turn your home into a spa
Allow me to set this lovely scene for you: you and your gal pals, robes on, feet up, listening to serene music while enjoying the aroma of eucalyptus and peppermint from a nearby oil diffuser. Group manis and pedis are encouraged, but not required, as that would require someone to lift a finger and whether you want to exert the energy is absolutely your prerogative. Reset, recharge, and let the time with your friends set your soul alright.
5. Make vision boards
It’s never too late to set intentions for your future and making it visual with your girls by your side can be a whole other experience. You’ll need some sort of canvas, glue, markers, scissors, magazines, and a printer to get started. Pop some champagne, let your hair down, and dream about the future together. If crafting isn’t your thing, try opening up with your friends and asking about their big dreams and life goals. It’s easy to get caught up in the day-to-day drama with friends, but looking forward and discussing the future will leave everyone inspired.
6. Write love letters to each other
We did a version of this in the office on Galentine’s Day and it was quite the treat. We used brown paper bags with everyone’s name on them, threw in little handwritten love notes, and received plenty of words of affirmation towards the end of the day that made us feel so loved and appreciated. It’s a great way to show your friends that you couldn’t do it without them and, if you’re an emotional queen like me, to have an excuse to get a little mushy. More
If you feel like summer is slipping through your fingers, you’re not the only one. So much of what makes summer great just hasn’t been possible for most of us this year. Long days spent at the beach, hiding out in the air conditioned movie theater, and leaving work early on Friday for patio happy hours didn’t happen this year. And of course, summer vacations feel like a distant memory at this point. These sacrifices are worth it and are the least we can all do as we work together to overcome 2020’s challenges, but it’s OK to feel sad that a season we all had so much hope for this year didn’t look the way we wanted or needed it to.To make the most of these last few weeks of summer, we’ve rounded up a list of fun—and most importantly, safe—ways to enjoy these final summer days.
Source: Sween Shots | Stocksy
1. Reconnect with friends
Who doesn’t miss those long summer days spent with friends as a kid? One of the best parts of summer is enjoying our longer days out in the sun socializing. While that may not be possible right now with social distancing still being a necessity in many parts of the world, you can still make a point to spend time with your friends from a distance. In March, Zoom happy hours, long phone calls, and snail mail were all the rage. It’s understandable that most of us got burnt out on the whole virtual friendship thing, but make an effort to foster some type of connection with your pals—whether that be with a picnic on the grass spaced appropriately, a video call on your porch while you watch the sunset, or a virtual game night with your favorite frosty drink in hand.
2. Enjoy a nostalgic movie night
Circling back on the whole-summer-as-a-kid-was-awesome thing, try to plan a nostalgic movie night with your favorite childhood movie. You may not be able to go catch the latest and greatest blockbuster in theaters, but you sure can fire up The Sandlot while munching on some on-theme s’mores (’90s kids will know exactly what we’re talking about). Host a Disney movie marathon with your favorite candy or fire up that inspirational sports movie that always makes you cry after grilling those tasty Impossible Burgers you can’t get enough of!
Source: Kate Hliznitsova | Unsplash
3. Dine al fresco
While you may not be able to escape to Italy anytime soon, there’s no reason you can’t enjoy a little al fresco dining in your backyard or on your patio. Similar to being on vacation, indulge in a special meal, open a great bottle of wine, and really take your time. There’s no need to rush! Try whipping up one of these super craveable recipes.
4. Stay out late
Chances are, you’ve been a bit of an early bird since stay at home orders were put in place, so why not mix things up and stay out late? (As long as you’re keeping your distance of course!). Watch the waves crash on the beach, lay on the grass at your favorite park and gaze at the stars, or play a board game with your roomie on the front porch until the wee hours of the night.
Source: Mallory | Reserve Home
5. Head to a drive-in
Most of us dreamed of going to a drive-in movie growing up, but sadly those theaters were few and far between. Nowadays everyone is finding creative ways to have fun and stay safe and drive-in theaters are back! Pile into the car with whomever you’re sharing a space with right now and make sure to pack all your favorite snacks. That’s right, there’s no need to buy overpriced movie candy anymore.
6. Lean into a beach read
You know the one: the book you’re too embarrassed to admit you couldn’t put down. Fill up your tub, take a good soak, and lose yourself in a cheesy romance novel or a young adult book with an absurd plot. Even if you can’t make it to the beach this summer, you deserve a juicy read. BTW, at The Everygirl we love beach reads (no shame ever on this front!) and have rounded up a ton of great options here.
Source: Holly Mandarich | Unsplash
7. Let’s get physical
It seems safe to say—and please pardon our French—that the idea of a “bikini body” is total BS. Before summer ends, try working out for your health, not for swimsuit season. Find a way to stay fit and focus on burning off stress and anxiety, not calories. A game of tennis, a long jog, or a yoga session on the grass will help you get outdoors to enjoy that gorgeous end of summer weather and keep you feeling good. Prioritize finding a workout or physical activity that you can enjoy (and want to do long-term) and start working on creating healthy habits that you can carry into the fall season.
8. Plan a faux vacation
Not really though, please stay home for now. Even though a real vacay may not be possible, it’s not too late to plan a great escape this summer. Who doesn’t love a good theme? So why not plan a themed night around your favorite international vacay. Bake (or buy, we get it) your favorite French pastries and stream any movie you can find set in Paris. Play French music while you bake and wear your favorite striped shirt. You could try tapas and tango music for a Spain inspired date at home or could celebrate all things Anglophile starting with a Downton Abbey marathon and a good cup of tea. Get creative and don’t be afraid to be silly.
Source: Celebrating Sweets
9. Staycation
There’s something to be said about staycations, and right now, they’re even more appealing than they were before. Since most attractions and restaurants have been closed for months, you may be dying to simply explore your own town. We all miss our favorite shops, cafes, and local museums, so if your area is starting to open up, put on a mask and go have some fun. You can also totally indulge at home. Splurge on takeout and a new bottle of wine, invest in that fluffy bedding you’ve always wanted, put on a face mask and enjoy some peace and quiet at home (with a pitcher of Aperol Spritz if you please). If possible where you live, plan a mini-road trip that takes you to a luxe AirBNB or go camping. There are safe ways to get away if you do a little planning!
10. Take a dip
Before summer ends, prioritize getting in the water. Whether it be at your local beach, lake, river, or a pool, head out early to avoid the crowds and soak in the amazing feeling of getting too hot from sunbathing and run straight to the water for a cool off. We’re feeling refreshed already.
Source: Jonathan Ybema | Unsplash
11. Fire up the grill
Have one last bbq this summer, even if your only guest is your S.O. Pick up all your favorite BBQ/picnic foods (you’ll thank us when you have leftovers tomorrow) and take your time cooking outdoors and enjoying the fruits of your labor.
12. Embrace the great outdoors
It’s no secret that we’ve all been cooped up for months. Don’t let these last few weeks of stunning weather slip through your fingers. Spend an entire Saturday (or better yet, take a day off work in the middle of the week) and head outside. Now that you’re outside, stay there all day. Find an activity that you love, play a round or two of basketball on the driveway, and grill up some fresh corn. Even if you’re just in your own backyard, try to stay outside and really embrace your favorite parts of summer.
Source: Dylan Alcock | Unsplash
13. Wear the damn shorts
Last, but certainly not least, strip off those leggings and wear the damn shorts. You won’t be able to much longer, so give your legs some breathing room and enjoy the ease and comfort of your favorite cutoffs. More
Whether it’s being ghosted by a Tinder match or losing out on that dream job, rejection is an inevitable part of life. It can be hard not to take being turned down personally, but there will usually be numerous factors and circumstances beyond our control that mean that the answer can’t always be yes.While spending a few days sulking can help, coping well with rejection is an important life skill that will set you up to better handle future disappointments. Honing an ability to pick yourself up and try again is crucial to achieving your goals. Next time that you get knocked back, remember this:
1. That being rejected shows that you had the courage to put yourself forward
You’ve been rejected? Congratulations! The fact that you have even been turned down in the first place shows that you were brave enough to put yourself forward for something that was difficult to achieve—and that doing so takes a tremendous amount of courage and self-belief.
When you get rejected, take some time to remember the challenges that you overcame by going for that job interview, asking for a pay rise, or putting yourself out there on a dating app. Striving for what you wanted is still a success, regardless of whether or not it ultimately leads to rejection.
2. That rejection happens to everyone
Even the seemingly most successful among us will have struggled with rejection at some stage. Don’t believe me? Check out this list of celebrities who were rejected by other celebs, or this one of famous people who failed before they succeeded. If Oprah can pick herself up after getting fired from her first TV job or Vera Wang can launch a fashion empire after being passed over for Vogue’s editor-in-chief position, then you can bounce back from rejection too.
3. That some factors that lead to rejection are out of our control
Perhaps you spent hours on that job application. Maybe you thought that things were going really, really well with that person that you were dating. You might have been convinced that that presentation to land an important new client was perfect.
Your performance, skills, and personal attributes will only ever be part of the story. There could simply have been someone else who was better suited to that job opening. That person you were seeing just might not have had the space in their life for a relationship right now. The other client could have offered a cheaper rate that your company couldn’t beat. Instead of internalizing rejection, remember that many of the factors that contributed to it were likely unknowable and out of your control.
4. Why you had the opportunity in the first place
The more that we strive for difficult-to-achieve things, the more we open ourselves up to rejection. Try and view this setback as evidence that you are pushing your limits and coming closer to the things that you want to achieve.
Focus on the small successes that you experienced on the way to rejection—perhaps you can celebrate that you landed an audition in the first place, or that you had opened yourself up to getting to know someone new. Take stock of the strengths that you demonstrated rather than the reasons for the rejection, and work on refining and showcasing them the next time that you get a new opportunity.
5. What you can learn from the experience
Although it might take time to be able to view a rejection as a learning opportunity, it can be valuable to attempt to understand the reasons why you were turned down. For career rejections, you should ask for feedback so that you’re prepared when another opportunity presents itself. Meet with the decision-maker to ask them areas that you performed well in, and what ultimately motivated their choice.
Romantic rejections can also be a chance to learn about yourself and what you want from a relationship. Is it losing the chance to be with that person that hurts, or the rejection itself that is painful? Would you change anything about the situation given the chance, or did the rejection come from being true to yourself and what you want in a partner? Try journaling your thoughts or discussing them with a friend or therapist to learn about your own emotions when it comes to rejection, and how you can be better placed to deal with it in future.
6. What you still have to offer
Rejection can be a blow to self-esteem and confidence. Avoid becoming too caught up in negative emotions by focusing on what you have to offer. Make a list of all of the best things about you and the reasons why you were hopeful for success in the first place. Revisit this every time that you doubt yourself or fear rejection as a reminder that you deserve a shot.
7. That fearing rejection will hold you back
A fear of rejection can easily become what stops us from asking out someone we really like, applying for a dream job or internship, or attempting to achieve our goals. That emotion that you’re feeling right now? Really feel it. Get comfortable with it. Remember that it isn’t the worst feeling in the world. Learning to be OK with rejection will set you up for success in the future. There will be a time when the answer is yes. Make sure that you’re ready when it comes. More
I haven’t had Taco Bell in 46 days.
I know, I know, you’re thinking, “Wow Beth, this is big!” and you’re right. I hate cooking. Absolutely despise it. But I’m also on a ~journey~ of sorts to learn how to cook things that make me feel fabulous (because my rotation of ramen and Taco Tuesday is getting a little stale), so I’ve had to do some digging to find things that were easy to make, didn’t require a million ingredients (read: a bunch of trips to the store during a pandemic), and weren’t filled with excess sodium and sugar.
Like many of us, I turned to Trader Joe’s for my grocery shopping the majority of the pandemic thus far. It’s the safest grocery store in my area (carts are always sanitized, only a select number in the store at a time, etc.), and it feels like a treat and a hint of normalcy to make my weekly trip. Here are a few of the staples that I’ve relied on the last few months of cooking at home:
Pre-Cooked Chicken Breast
I don’t have time to make grilled chicken every week, especially considering it’s one of the two proteins I ever eat (I am super picky, please don’t judge me). At the beginning of quarantine, I would talk myself out of having a salad or wrap for lunch because I didn’t meal prep enough chicken on Sundays. Now, I just buy this and keep it in a storage container for the week to eat from. I also love adding this into stir-frys, pasta dishes, and bowls to make my meals more filling.
These came straight from my freezer because I could not wait to eat them!
Riced Cauliflower Stir-Fry
I used to buy the chicken fried rice stir fry and the frozen cauliflower rice to mix together, and while I still love that, I’ve been purchasing this more often. For one, it takes up way less space in my tiny, tiny freezer, but I also love the flavor and never miss “real” rice. I feel good every time I eat this, and it is beyond easy to make. My current favorite meal is a bowl of this, some chicken breast, and a couple of Chicken Cilantro Mini Wontons!
Chicken Cilantro Mini Wontons
Like I said, these are a go-to for me with the Cauliflower Rice Stir-Fry. I love to dip them in a little bit of TJ’s Coconut Aminos (a good alternative to soy sauce if you’re trying to lower your sodium intake!) as an easy dinner that keeps me full all night.
Banana Trek Mix
If you’re a banana-hater, don’t be scared of these. When I first tried them, I was actually a little bummed because you can’t taste the banana in them at all. They’re seasoned really well and have the perfect crunch. Work-from-home has truly brought out the snacker in me; I feel like I’m hungry all day long, and it’s absolutely because my desk is ever-so-strategically placed right next to my kitchen. I’ve been keeping a bag of this by my desk, and a couple little bites every now and then keeps me from going back and forth to the kitchen all day long.
Sugar Snap Peas
These are one of my favorite snacks of all time. I’m a major chip eater (you’re about to see below), but I know if I keep too many in my apartment, I will eat them all in a mere sitting. I snag these every time I’m at TJ’s because they’re a mindful snack I can eat at my desk and feel good about. The crunch is perfect, and I love pairing them with hummus or my other favorite dip from TJ’s (again, see below).
Spicy Cheese Curls
I would literally die for Flaming Hot Cheetos. I’m not kidding, my body absolutely punishes me every single time I eat them. I was always unsure about grabbing these from TJ’s, but they’re a new staple in my kitchen. They’re baked, not fried, so I can eat a quarter of the bag and feel full and satisfied without feeling gross afterward. Whenever I make sandwiches for lunch, you can bet I add a handful of these to my plate.
Bamba Peanut Snacks
Peanut butter is quite possibly my favorite food on this earth, but it took me a really long time to try these. I. AM. OBSESSED. Did you read that like I am screaming because I am. These are filled with protein, so I actually feel full when I snack on these and rarely have the urge to mindlessly eat the whole bag (note that I said rarely). I have a very minimal sweet tooth, so these suffice as the perfect treat at the end of the day for me.
White Meat Chicken Salad
My dad makes the best chicken salad ever, so while I was at home during the first part of quarantine, I had the luxury of his cooking at my fingertips. Then, I came back to Chicago, remembered how much I hate cooking, and went on a bit of a roll ordering take out, especially when it came to busy days and lunch time. I tried this chicken salad from Trader Joe’s and never looked back! My go-to lunch on a workday is a little bit of this on two slices of bread, a chip variety, and a giant glass of water. Am I a beacon of health or what?
Chili Lime Chicken Burgers
Cooking dinner during quarantine has been a challenge. OMG, I made it through yet another dreary day of doing the exact same thing? I deserve a treat! Keeping weeknights special without going to happy hours and seeing friends has really fallen on ordering Uber Eats or making the same pasta dish every night. I snagged these on a recent trip, and they give me all those feels that I’m eating something exciting and different, but they’re so good. I like to top mine with a little cheese and my favorite spicy ranch, and they’re delicious.
Butternut Squash Spirals
I’m doing just about anything to get some extra veggies in my diet, and this is my new favorite creation. I spread these out on a baking sheet with a little bit of olive oil and season with pepper, garlic powder, and a little crushed red pepper (I like it spicy), and bake at 400 degrees for about 10 minutes, flipping half-way through. They get crispy and taste similar to sweet potato fries! I love pairing these with one of the Chili Lime Burgers or with my other new obsession …
Turkey Corn Dogs
Do I have the palate of a 12 year old? Basically. My brother got my addicted to corn dogs a few months ago, and these are a slightly healthier version. I love these as a lunch or for those nights I just want to watch a nostalgic movie and feel like a kid.
Mini Chicken Tacos
Y’all, I live in the frozen section of Trader Joe’s. Is it the healthiest thing I could eat? No, but it’s a step up from the other things I could make in my arsenal. These are really filling, and the entire package lasts me a few meals. I’ll pair them with some salsa to dip for a casual Taco Tuesday that requires seriously zero effort.
Smoked Turkey Breast
I get all of my lunch meat from Trader Joe’s because it’s delicious, organic, and doesn’t require me to awkwardly speak to the person working the deli because I never know what to ask for. (Once, I asked for 3 lbs of Havarti cheese not realizing that is a giant amount of cheese for just myself because I don’t necessarily remember measurements from math class.) I always either get the Smoked Turkey Breast or the regular Oven Roasted Turkey Breast. Regardless, they’re both delicious and so easy for sandwiches and wraps!
Cauliflower Jalapeno Dip
This is a very new find for me, but I absolutely love it. It’s not super spicy, which is great for those who hate spice and just means I add extra jalapenos because I prefer my mouth to be on fire at all times. This dip is super creamy. I love it with my sugar snap peas or baby carrots, or with pita chips. I also just tried it in a wrap with chicken and veggies, and that was delicious. I will buy this for eternity. More
Every woman has a different story about the relationship she has with her body. Many of these “body stories” are dramas full of ups and downs that could rival Game of Thrones, while others are more like a happy rom-com. But most often, our body stories are individualized, private, and can stop us from feeling true self-love and acceptance. As a health coach, I’ve had the privilege to learn about and help heal other women’s stories. While every woman’s body story is vastly different, here’s mine:I was one of the lucky ones. My mother never commented on my weight or the way I looked. She called me kind, smart, and talented, and never once referred to the size of my body. I grew up with the mentality that who I was defined me, not what I looked like. However, even my mother’s values and limitless support couldn’t totally protect me from how the rest of the world told women they were supposed to be.
Body insecurities are normalized to the point that we bond with other women over poor relationships with food and putting ourselves down. I still try to channel Cady Heron in the Mean Girls scene where the only thing she could think of that she didn’t like about herself was bad breath in the morning, after the other Plastics picked apart their appearances (#selflovegoals). But the truth is that along with the strong, beautiful, funny, talented, smart women I’ve been friends with, I thought more like Regina George or Gretchen Wieners when looking at my reflection.
Each woman’s insecurities look a lot different. For me, my insecurities looked like the occasional, I wish this body part different, or I wish I looked like her, or Sure, I could probably afford to lose a few pounds. I’ve always called myself confident, but I was more confident in my personality than in my body. Bathing suits always made me a little self-conscious, and I was painfully aware of the pounds I gained from cafeteria food and slapping the bag at frat parties my freshman year of college (full disclosure: my freshman 15 was not just 15 pounds, and it lasted much longer than freshman year).
I’ve always called myself confident, but I was more confident in my personality than in my body.
I spent my early 20s eating all the late-night pizzas I wanted and going to daily spin or Orange Theory classes, thinking it would counteract the over-indulgences (it didn’t). I attempted diets here and there, but enjoyed sushi takeout and Taco Bell too much to make any dramatic changes for the goal of weight loss. Instead, I felt a constant underlying pressure to eat better before every formal or felt guilty for “over-indulging,” whether it was dessert at the cafeteria or drinking too many glasses of Two-Buck Chuck.
Source: @josie.santi
The year after I graduated from college, I moved home and started my career. I went to bed early to wake up with enough time to exercise before work, ate dinner with my parents instead of ordering takeout or going out with friends, and my weekend mornings looked like an omelet and coffee at home instead of my usual french toast and mimosa brunch. My clothes started fitting more loosely, and people started telling me I had lost weight. I like to say that I “accidentally” changed because I wasn’t even aware that anything looked different.
If I had lost weight, shouldn’t I feel better about myself? I thought I shouldn’t have any more food guilt, and I should be happier about my appearance. It’s what I had thought for so long as the missing piece I never had the willpower to achieve, and yet, I didn’t feel any better. Flash forward a few years, and I’m more confident than I have ever been (while being a few–or 10–pounds heavier than that first year out of college). Here’s why I learned weight loss isn’t a prescription for self-love, and what made me love myself instead.
There’s always going to be another five pounds
When I did lose weight, it was not the immediate sense of gratification I had expected it would be. I felt the same amount of self-consciousness, whether it was thinking I still looked bloated, noticing cellulite, or finding a new imperfection. We often think that as long as we hit a certain weight or pants size, then we’ll be happy. But more often than not, this isn’t true. Even if we get a six-pack, we would focus on the size of our thighs, or maybe start hating the bags under our eyes. There’s always going to be another imperfection when weight loss is the ultimate goal.
There’s always going to be another imperfection when weight loss is the ultimate goal.
Self-love is a skill, not a circumstance
I always thought that once I had the perfect body (LOL as if that exists), all my problems would go away. Since I grew up from the 20-year-old girl tracking her calories on MyFitnessPal and light-heartedly laughing with friends about how weak our willpower is when it comes to cheese boards on wine night, I learned that a number on the scale is never the problem. The problem is that we don’t feel like we’re good enough, and that doesn’t change, even if the number on the scale does.
Just like happiness, confidence is a skill, not a circumstance. It doesn’t come when you achieve a certain weight or pants size, because it’s something that has to be consistently worked, like any muscle. Thinking that you’ll feel more self-love when you lose a certain amount of weight is distracting you from the real problem of not feeling good enough as you are. Practice and prioritize self-love first in order to achieve a body you feel good in, not the other way around.
Practice and prioritize self-love first in order to achieve a body you feel good in, not the other way around.
Source: @josie.santi
Everyone feels better in different body types
While our culture trains us from an early age to believe there’s only one type of “attractiveness” we are supposed to strive for, this just isn’t true. It’s marketing, not biology. In reality, every woman does (and should) feel like her best, sexiest self in a variety of different body types. When I did lose those extra “college” pounds, I remember telling my therapist that I should feel better about myself, but something about the weight loss made me feel less feminine and confident.
Yes, I desperately missed those same curves that I had wanted to get rid of for years. The point is that we all have different body types for a reason. Every woman’s “ideal” body should be totally different than anyone else’s. We’re often so distracted by achieving what society has told us is “perfection” that we don’t stop to think about what would actually make us feel our very best.
Every woman’s ‘ideal’ body should be totally different than anyone else’s. We’re often so distracted by achieving what society has told us is ‘perfection’ that we don’t stop to think about what would actually make us feel our very best.
“Weight loss” is not a sustainable way to live
Although dieters might feel a sense of satisfaction in seeing the numbers on a scale go down, each pound lost likely requires sacrifice and suppressing cravings. The focus is on less, less, and less. Food becomes an enemy and a stressor, not something to nourish us. Restricting food, resisting cravings, and making life changes (like avoiding social settings that center around food, for example) takes a toll on mental and physical health. Yes, I lost weight, but I also dealt with a lot of anxiety that left me with less appetite, and I focused on my career much more than I focused on enjoying time with family and friends. Weight loss didn’t make my life better; it only happened because I wasn’t living my best life.
Even though weight loss was the aftermath and not the cause, it was the one time I was “successful” at losing weight, and it did not make me any happier. I realized that nothing is worth the price tag of enjoying my life for the messy, happy series of moments it is. Those extra inches on the waistline is where life happens. It’s the extra glass of rosé on a summer rooftop, or a slice of your favorite chocolate cake when you go home to visit your mom. I realized that constantly hoping to lose weight demoted these moments to be worth nothing more than a pants size or number on a scale.
Source: Felicia Lasala for The Everygirl
…and 5 Things That Did Make Me Love Myself More
I changed my goal to be healthy, not skinny
I used to think of nutrition through the lens of calories, carbs, fats, and proteins. I obviously knew food was necessary for survival, but I also understood and saw food through labels like “good” and “bad,” or “healthy” versus “unhealthy,” because it was all about how it would make my body look. My entire outlook changed when I learned about using plants as medicine and how to eat to change how I feel. Now, my goal is to be healthy for optimal energy, to live a long life, to be my most vibrant self, and to feel happy. When I started eating to be healthy instead of skinny, I started loving my body for what it could do, instead of what it looked like.
When I started eating to be healthy instead of skinny, I started loving my body for what it could do, instead of what it looked like.
I focused on strength, not weight
No, the transformation was not all mental. As much as I believe in screwing the man (in this case, damaging diet culture and societal pressure on women), and as much as I wish this is 100 percent about internal mindset, the truth is that’s just 90 percent of it. The other 10 percent of achieving self-love came from how I felt physically in my body. I’ve always loved exercising and knew I felt better overall when I was consistently moving, but I would also work out for calorie burn. I loved classes that tracked how many calories I burned, as if that’s what made a tough workout worth it.
When my self-love changed, so did my workouts. I learned there are thousands of reasons to work out, but weight loss isn’t one of them. Now, I work out to make my muscles stronger and to feel more powerful in my physical self. I started eating to get more energy and as fuel for workouts. I became addicted to feeling powerful and strong, rather than hoping to feel smaller.
Source: @josie.santi
Actually prioritizing self-love
This one sounds like a no-brainer (you felt self-love by prioritizing self-love? Revolutionary!). But surprisingly, so often when we are hell-bent on losing weight, we’re promoting weight loss over self-love, thinking that the two don’t conflict. Instead of restrictive eating, calorie counting, and labeling foods as “good” or “bad,” prioritize self-love by being compassionate to what your body wants. Eat intuitively, not restrictively. Prioritizing self-love means you choose to leave behind whatever is unhealthy for you, whether it’s relationships, jobs, or your own beliefs and habits that aren’t letting you be happy.
Prioritizing self-love means you choose to leave behind whatever is unhealthy for you, whether it’s relationships, jobs, or your own beliefs and habits that aren’t letting you be happy.
Knowing that the way I looked was not an accomplishment
I’ve always been a big self-improvement girl: self-help books are my guilty pleasure, and my daily affirmation is always about showing up as my highest self. But perhaps the greatest shift in my self-love came when I stopped associating being a better version of myself with having a better body. Now, when I feel insecurity come up (because it still does, I swear!), I remind myself that my best self has nothing to do with a breakout, a patch of cellulite, or gaining a few pounds.
When I notice myself looking in the mirror and thinking something negative, it’s a sign that I’ve been too focused on myself. My fix? Call up a friend to see how they are, donate to an organization, or tell my boyfriend what I love about him (you’re welcome for my selflessness, boyfriend). Not only does it help me to get outside myself, but it reminds me that I do like the kind, compassionate person I am. Now that’s a real accomplishment.
Source: @josie.santi
Focusing on what makes me “big”
I think everything clicked for me when I realized I was constantly trying to shrink myself, rather than feeling justified for the space I take up in this world. Instead, I want to love what’s big: in body, in personality, in love, in altruism, in voice, in confidence, in aspirations. In the end, weight loss is not the secret to success, a relationship, or happiness; it’s an endless goal that keeps us from achieving everything we want in life because we don’t think we deserve it yet.
I had been so focused on being smaller for so long that I forgot to love what’s big in me. Now, I consistently remind myself to love everything from my loud laugh to my lofty goals. My advice to you, dear readers, is to love your bigness so much, the world can no longer point at you and call you small. More
We grow up learning a lot of food rules that we believe as fact. Maybe you’ve experienced some form of self-prescribed dieting, or you depended on rules to make healthy decisions (I know I certainly have). You try your best to eat healthy because you know you’re supposed to. But imagine a different approach to healthy eating, one that isn’t focused on numbers, news, or the latest diet trend. Instead, imagine knowing your body so well you know what it needs and feel guilt-free eating what it wants. The truth is that a lot of those food rules we have always believed as fact are stopping us from achieving true health and food freedom. Here are eight of them that we’re completely getting rid of (and three that we’re living by instead).
Source: Social Squares
1. Some foods are “good” and some foods are “bad”
Every food is predefined into labels of “good” and “bad” by our culture. We grow up understanding that a stalk of celery is a “good” food, a slice of pizza is a “bad” food, and there is always an “evil” nutrient we turn into a public enemy (like carbs, saturated fats, or sugar). However, when we put a moral value on foods, what’s meant to nourish us becomes associated with guilt. Of course, some foods have more nutritional value than others. A plate of spinach will provide your body with more nutrients than a Twinkie, but you’re not “bad” when you do want to eat a Twinkie. Rid yourself of food guilt and listen to your body to decide what you need (not what you “should” or “shouldn’t” eat).
2. You should eat everything on your plate
As children, many of us were praised for joining the clean plate club and guilted if we didn’t. We had to sit at the table until we finished eating, or we were told wasting food was wrong. As well-intentioned as our parents may have been, this mentality sticks with us as adults. We base serving sizes off of what’s in front of us, instead of what our bodies need. Rather than eating a portion that someone else recommends (whether it’s your mom, a restaurant, or the recommendations on the box), eat until you’re satisfied. Newsflash: we’re not supposed to eat until we’re full, and certainly not until we’re “stuffed” (Thanksgiving dinner is the exception, of course). Eat slowly and mindfully, so you’re aware when you’re no longer enjoying your food and just eating out of habit because it’s in front of you.
Source: Social Squares
3. Avoid fruits and white potatoes (they have too many carbs)
“Carb” is not a dirty word; it’s actually an important nutrient that the body needs for many crucial functions like energy. Even carbohydrates like potatoes and fruit are loaded with essential nutrients that will help the body to thrive. White potatoes (yes, the kind found in hash browns) are full of vitamin C, fiber, and contain more potassium than a banana. Fruits are one of the most plentiful sources of vitamins and minerals, and offer a wide range of health-boosting antioxidants. Bottom line: you should never be afraid of or avoid any whole foods from the earth. That’s what we’re meant to eat, and our bodies will respond accordingly.
4. Read the nutrition labels on everything you eat
You should absolutely be informed about everything you eat. I do believe everyone should know how to read a nutrition label (and if you don’t, HMU). We shouldn’t be tricked into believing a bowl of a certain cereal is a nutritious breakfast when it has more grams of sugar and artificial ingredients than a candy bar, so that part I stand by. However, the outdated food rule I’m thinking of actually comes from Mean Girls. Regina George asks the other Plastics what percentage fat is from the calories of a food she’s thinking of eating. Even though the line, “whatever, I’m getting cheese fries,” is iconic, this is when we should stop reading nutrition labels.
If you’re going to indulge, enjoy it without having to see how many calories or grams of fat it will cost. This just leads to more food guilt and an inability to be intuitive. Rather than reading every nutrition label to eat healthier, we should be aiming to eat more foods without a nutrition label at all. Stop worrying about the numbers, and start focusing on nutrients (but more on that below!).
Source: @kayla_seah
5. You shouldn’t eat dessert every day
Life is short, so let them eat cake! (Yes, I did just combine two well-known sayings that make perfect sense together, thank you very much.) A lot of us have a sweet tooth, or for others, eating something sweet signals that the meal is over. And guess what: both are OK. If you crave dessert but don’t let yourself eat it, or if you eat it and then feel endlessly guilty afterward, this will only lead to bingeing and a bad relationship with food. If you want dessert, eat it (yes, even if that means every single day). The trick is to find things that satisfy your sweet tooth while also giving your body added benefits and better nutrients. Try nut butter and apple slices, dark chocolate, or meal-prep one of these delicious plant-based desserts for the week.
6. Have five small meals a day instead of three larger meals (or that you have to have three meals a day)
I first heard the advice to eat five small meals throughout the day when I was in high school. The suggestion came from a good place; you definitely shouldn’t wait to eat until you’re so hungry you feel weak (or worse, hangry). But thinking that multiple small meals a day would be better for me than three larger ones, I wouldn’t let myself eat as much as I wanted or wouldn’t feel hungry for my next meal if I did eat a “bigger” snack (AKA a small meal). My body was constantly confused and never really satisfied. Since then, I’ve learned that three meals work perfectly for me. I never feel the need to snack, and instead just eat enough filling, fiber-rich foods so I’m satisfied until the next meal.
My point is not that you should eat three meals a day. Many people don’t like to eat breakfast and prefer two meals a day. Other people feel best when they’re snacking throughout the day, and some people are more energized when eating five smaller meals. Instead of promoting one over the other, my point is that you should eat when you’re hungry. Find the amount, time, and method of eating that works best for your body and lifestyle.
Source: @sivanayla
7. You should resist cravings
I always recommend intuitive eating and listening to your body, but a lot of people will tell me that if they “listened to their body,” they would only eat boxed mac n’ cheese, pizza, Doritos, and cookies all day. Even if that’s what you think your body wants to eat, you’re listening to the ingrained food rules that have taught you certain foods are “off-limits” and, therefore, more attractive (it’s true for bad boys, and it’s true for food). But when you forget the aforementioned food rules and stop thinking cravings are the enemy, the truth is that you’ll crave a combo of fruits, vegetables, whole grains, and yes, some “less nutritious” food here and there, which–believe it or not–is absolutely OK.
Your body is incredibly smart (I promise). Cravings are how your body is communicating with you that it needs something, not an attempt to sabotage your health goals. Whatever you’re craving, get creative and DIY an option that will be more nutritious and make your body feel better. Feeding cravings actually helps give more clarity to what our bodies need—because if we don’t feed them, they’ll only get stronger.
8. We need experts to tell us how to eat
If you feel overwhelmed by which diet to try or which expert to listen to, that’s not on accident. In order to sell you on limitless products and programs, you have to feel like your health is not in your control. The truth is that bodies are not one-size-fits-all, and therefore, there’s no one-size-fits-all diet. Every body is different, with individualized nutritional requirements. Just like we all have different personality traits, we all have different food needs. What works for one person (even if they are an “expert”) may not work for you. Get curious about nutrition, educate yourself on how to eat the best nourishment, and talk to your doctor about what diet and lifestyle is best for you, but listen to your body more than you listen to outside advice.
1. Count nutrients, not calories
When we count calories, we approach eating from a place of lack and deprivation. But when we’re aware of the nutrients that foods have and what those nutrients do for our bodies (give us energy, boost skin glow, reduce inflammation, etc.), we come from a place of abundance and nourishment. Focusing on eating more plants and whole foods filled with nutrients can also subconsciously crowd out processed and sugary foods (totally guilt-free). Think of adding more foods into your diet (like adding leafy greens to two meals a day or eating berries with breakfast), rather than subtracting foods (like no dairy, no processed foods, etc.).
Source: @loveandlemons
2. Eat your colors
My entire wardrobe may only consist of neutrals, but when it comes to what’s on my plate, I like to load up on every color of the rainbow. The colors of plants come from the different phytochemical antioxidants they contain. Eating fruits and vegetables in a wide variety of colors ensures we’re getting a wider variety of antioxidants. If your meal is looking as monochrome as your stay-at-home #OOTD, add a little color with fruits and vegetables. For example, if you’re having pasta, throw in some cherry tomatoes (red) and kale (green). If your salad is just a lot of leafy greens and avocado, good for you for getting in your veggies, but consider adding in some sweet potato and purple cabbage for a wider variety of nutrients.
3. Make mealtime sacred
Many of us think we’re supposed to eat purely for health and are cursed by the pleasure aspect that comes with food (lust and gluttony, after all, are two of the seven deadly sins, and things I feel regularly when a truffle mac ‘n’ cheese is in front of me). “On-the-go” is a popular recipe trend, and a rise in fast food over the past 50 years is no coincidence: we want to eat as quickly as possible. But the truth is that we don’t just eat to survive. We eat for enjoyment, for social connection, for meaningful ritual, and these days, we often eat because we need a break (Find yourself stress snacking during work? Your body might be telling you to take a break).
I get it: sometimes busy mornings call for tossing back a smoothie, or you need to take your lunch on-the-go. But whenever you can, make your mealtime sacred. Turn off the TV, close the laptop (yes, that means taking a real lunch break), and actually enjoy the food you get to eat. Use mealtime as a mindfulness practice, a way to reconnect with loved ones, and a much-needed break. More
