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      in health and weelbeing

      Exes & Quarantine: 8 Questions to Ask Yourself If You’re Thinking of Rekindling With an Ex

      by

      Maybe it’s the alluring romanticism of The One That Got Away, or maybe it’s the lack of sex in quarantine, but if you’re thinking about getting back together with an ex, you’re not alone. Even though you probably broke up for a legit reason, human beings crave attachment and comfort. During a time that is so uncomfortable, it’s no surprise that you might be considering going back to what feels familiar, or maybe such a scary time has made you realize what’s important and who you want to have in your life. Plus, if you grew up believing that Ross and Rachel would end up together (were they on a break?) or that Big and Carrie were destined to be together (no matter how many times they broke up and got back together), you know that a breakup does not have to mean the end. But how do you know if you two needed to grow and are now ready to have a healthy, happy relationship, or if you are just tired of swiping through Bumble and endless dates over Zoom? Here are eight questions to help you decide if going back to your ex is the right decision for you. 

      1. Why did you break up in the first place?
      It’s easy to remember the highlight reel of all the good moments, but nothing ends without a reason. Since it’s easier to remember the good over the bad (nostalgia, you bastard!), you’ll most likely romanticize your past relationship instead of remembering the pain it caused you. The reality is that no matter what, we leave relationships for a good reason. Unless that reason is completely resolved (and you have solutions to prevent it moving forward), the same pain will sneak up again if you get back into the same situation. Instead of reflecting on the beginning and middle of the relationship (which is likely a supercut of happy memories), reflect on the end. 

      2. Have you truly forgiven your ex?
      No matter why you broke up, there’s probably hurt on both sides. You might have trust issues, insecurities, built-up resentment, or all the above. While you’ll need to talk through past issues before you decide to give it another shot (more on that below), you should not bring up those past issues in new disagreements that come up in the future. When you bring up past arguments during new fights, it’s just repeating the cycle that broke you up, and might be a sign you’re not really over what happened in the past. Forgiveness is a process. If you’re not there yet, hold off until you’re ready to forgive them, or ask yourself if your gut is telling you not to forgive them.

      Source: @missalexlarosa

      3. Did you have enough space after the breakup?
      Especially when you’re in the same social circle, work together, or just talk to each other frequently, you might not have had enough separation to get used to life without your ex. If you’ve been through breakups before, you know the hardest part of getting over the end of a relationship is often because that person was a part of your routine, like any other habit. Not having enough space from your ex prevents you from moving on because you never get a chance to break that “habit.”
      Sure, missing your ex could be a sign that you really should be with them, or it might be a sign that you didn’t give yourself the chance to move on. Try muting or unfollowing them on social media, or ask friends to make separate plans without your ex for a while. If you’ve already spent enough time apart where you should be moving on by now but aren’t, the relationship could be worth trying again. 

      4. Have you fully discussed the old issues?
      If you’re even thinking about rekindling the romance, first have a conversation with your ex about what went wrong and what you don’t want to repeat. Discuss relationship expectations, define your love languages, and talk about what trust and love truly mean to you. If your ex is quick to sweep things under the rug or act like it wasn’t a big deal, remember that even the smallest things led to the breakup; they are a big deal. Your feelings should be validated, and you should thoroughly discuss what didn’t work last time to make the relationship work this time. Not only should you make sure that the old issues are resolved, but you should also have a “what are we” chat like the beginning of any relationship. Be open about what you both truly want out of the relationship and make sure your values align. 

      Source: @missenocha

      5. Will you be OK with it if your friends and family are not on board?
      You think you’ve been through ups and downs with your dating history, but remember that your support system goes through the ups and downs with you. Your friends probably cried with you after the breakup, unfollowed your ex on Instagram, and told you how you could do better. Your family might be protective of you, so they’ll want to prevent the hurt you experienced the first time around. Even if you’ve gotten over the past issues with your ex, that doesn’t mean your loved ones have too.
      Remember that your friends and family have your best interests at heart, and probably only dislike your ex because of the experience you had with them. Understand where they’re coming from and listen to their advice. If you do decide to get back together, explain to your loved ones what is different this time around and your plan to avoid past conflict moving forward, but don’t expect them to be 100 percent on board right away. 

      6. Are you expecting your ex to be a different person?
      Sure, some people change, and we’re all growing (or at least, that’s the hope), but here’s the ugly truth: your ex is still the same person. If their actions caused the last breakup (like cheating, emotional unavailability, lack of effort, etc.) or just made you unhappy, remember that they’re still the same person, even if the situation or timing is different. If that is the case and you’re still considering getting back together, you should see a lot more change in your ex than just a promise that it will be different this time around. Bottom line, get back together because you’ve changed (like you’re now truly ready for a relationship), not because you’re hoping that they have. 

      Source: @taylranne

      7. Do you miss the person or just the companionship?
      Do you sometimes find yourself mindlessly dialing your ex’s number to share a joke you know they’d find funny, or thinking how much you miss the way they laugh? Maybe you miss their stories that went on and on or the way they held your hand when they could tell you were nervous. Or did you only start missing them when your last Zoom date sucked or since you’ve been feeling lonely while staying at home? Maybe you just miss having someone so much that you’re remembering only the good things in your previous relationship. It’s OK to miss those good things, but just because you miss them doesn’t mean they’re worth going back to. 
      With all the emphasis on being independent women (which we all are), we might sometimes feel ashamed to admit we just want to be in a relationship. But craving companionship isn’t a sign of weakness or dependence; it’s human nature (PSA: you can be a badass independent woman whether you’re in a relationship or not). It’s OK if you are a “relationship person,” but, at the risk of sounding cliché, there are other fish in the sea. And yes, that means fish who won’t give you a reason to break up with them in the first place. Rekindle the flame if you genuinely miss your ex, but not if you just miss the companionship. 

      8. How do you feel when you’re with them?
      It’s easy to get caught up in how you feel about them, but how do you feel about yourself when you’re with them? Feeling safe, secure, lovable, and like your truest self when you’re around your ex is a sign that getting back together might be the right decision. However, if you feel insecure, jealous, or they make you feel lesser than and undeserving, no amount of loneliness is worth feeling like that again. Remember that life isn’t Friends or Sex and The City. No one’s going to write the finale episode for you, and you don’t have season after season to figure it out. In the end, this is your life, and if your ex did not help you make the most of it back then, they’re not worth wasting time on now.  More

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      in health and weelbeing

      The 5 Easy Recipes I’m Making on Repeat At Home

      by

      A month ago, I was sitting on my couch watching YouTube after dinner. This was a common situation in my life. Eat a gigantic dinner full of the stress of the day, anxieties of the next, and shame of the previous. My parents weren’t unhealthy growing up, but they never really forced me to learn how to cook, meaning I got through much of my life enjoying my dad’s amazing home-cooked meals (of which every single thing was cooked in bacon grease) without learning how to make myself anything nutritious once it came to living on my own. Not to mention, I’ve been in recovery for an eating disorder for five years, and while I’ve learned a few helpful hints throughout therapy and treatment, a pandemic will really flip that right on its head, won’t it? So when I came across a video all about the new Weight Watchers (now called WW), I watched it in its entirety, googled for about an hour, and signed right up. All this to say, I’ve been on a journey the last month to learn how to cook for myself, create proper portions for my meals, address my negative relationship with food, and this program has really helped me establish healthier habits (don’t worry, I’m still planning a major sushi feast featuring wine with my girlfriends tomorrow, and it shall be glorious) and find healthy meals I truly love (which I never thought was possible considering my previous pandemic diet consisting of very few whole foods and many, many bags of Trader Joe’s Sweet Potato Gnocchi). 
      Even on WW, I approach cooking with extreme levity; I rarely make anything that you’d find in a cookbook or a magazine because I truly just cannot be bothered. So, I’ve found a few staples that I add to my rotation when I’m just not feeling like “experimenting.” From classic breakfasts that keep me full all morning to easy work-from-home lunches to sweet treats (eep!), these five have been my go-to meals lately—and they all take under 20 minutes to recreate. 
      PS: if you thought you were coming here for pretty food pictures taken on a fancy camera that were perfectly styled, you might want to redirect yourself to our meal prep archives. But if you want some bomb ass recipes that are easy as hell but maybe don’t exactly look quite as appetizing as sriracha honey meatballs over cauliflower rice (you know the pic), keep scrolling. 

      1. Breakfast Burrito

      I’ll give any excuse to put something inside a wrap if I’m being honest. This is a favorite breakfast of mine when I know I want something that will keep me full for a long time, whether it’s busy WFH days or post-wine nights when all I want in this world is a breakfast sandwich.
      Ingredients:
      Hash browns (use whatever kind you love—this day I used O’Brien style, but I honestly prefer shredded)
      Cheese
      Protein (I use Applegate Farms Chicken and Maple Sausage, but you could use tofu, bacon, chicken, etc.)
      Scrambled eggs
      Hot sauce
      Tortilla
      Cook your hash browns and protein according to package instructions. Scramble an egg (or two if you want a GIANT burrito, which, who doesn’t?). Add all ingredients to tortilla, add some hot sauce, salt, and pepper, and roll it up! 

      2. Savory Oatmeal

      I just recently tried this, and it’s about to become my favorite lunch, I’m sure of it. I’m not the biggest sweets eater (except for bananas and peanut butter—see below), but I love how satiated I feel after a bowl of oatmeal. I found this recipe for savory oatmeal from Honeysuckle’s YouTube channel, and it’s a life-changer. The day I made this, I felt full for HOURS. No snacking, no cravings, and no midday coffee. I’ll take that. You could do this about a million ways, but I love Mexican food, so this is my take on a huevos rancheros.
      Ingredients (again, no measurements:
      Oatmeal (use your favorite–I used quick oats because they’re easy, but whatever works for you)
      Cheddar cheese
      Black beans 
      Red onion
      Egg cooked how you like
      Hot sauce (I stan Tapatio) 
      Cook your oatmeal according to package instructions, and then just add all the toppings together. I didn’t have any this day, but avocado would be great with this. YUM.

      3. Banana Loaf

      I know banana bread already had its day, but sometimes I just want a sweet breakfast that takes minimal effort, and this has become my go-to. I found this on Instagram and made it immediately. 
      Ingredients (OK, this one actually has measurements):
      2 bananas, extra-ripe (makes it sweet)
      ½ cup oats
      6 tbsp egg whites
      1 tbsp peanut butter (I’ve also used PB2 powder—either works)
      Dash of cinnamon
      Splash of vanilla extract
      Chocolate chips
      Mix all the ingredients together except for the chocolate chips and pour in a loaf pan. Top the loaf with chocolate chips. Bake at 350 degrees Fahrenheit for 40-45 minutes depending on your oven. Seriously, it’s so easy and so good. TBH, I eat half for breakfast with peanut butter and regular butter smeared on top and the other half for a 2pm snack. Don’t be fooled: it doesn’t have the exact texture of banana bread, but it’s super moist and gooey. I put it in a regular bread pan (even though it doesn’t come close to filling it), but these would be adorable in mini loaf pans. 

      4. Copycat KFC Bowls

      I’ll be the first to admit I LOVE fast food. Like, LOVE. I’m not afraid or ashamed of it. But some days I’d rather save my money (delivery is expensive, y’all) on a great meal out with friends on a patio than pay a small order fee for McDonald’s hash browns. A hankering for fried chicken brought me to this seriously simple bowl. 
      Ingredients:
      Mashed Potatoes (I have no patience, so I used the Idahoan instant mashed potatoes that you microwave in a little cup, and they’re actually so good)
      Canned corn
      Chicken (I used Tyson’s Air Fried Chicken Nuggets that I cooked in the oven and diced up—I am obsessed with these. I have now gone through two bags between wraps, bowls, quesadillas, and more). 
      Cheddar cheese
      All you do is mix it all together in a bowl, and viola! I love making this for a quick lunch that keeps me full for hours.

      5. Spicy Noodles and Zoodles

      I will never be the person who can eat zoodles with marinara sauce and call it a meal. Girl’s gotta have some carbs. So, I like to do a 1:1 ratio of regular, whole-wheat noodles (you can do white, I just oddly love whole-wheat breads) with zoodles or my actual favorite (not pictured), coodles (AKA noodles made with carrots—a much less appetizing word if I’m being honest). I paired this with my favorite spicy Asian-inspired sauce, broccoli, and chicken. 
      Sauce (all ingredients to taste—who has time to measure): 
      Sriracha
      Chili sauce
      Sesame oil 
      Honey
      Coconut Aminos (or soy sauce, whatever I have on hand)
      Crushed red pepper flakes
      Garlic powder
      After I boil my noodles, I’ll remove them from the pot to drain and add all the ingredients for the sauce to the bottom of the pan. I’ll turn up the heat to medium for about four-ish minutes and then toss the noodles back in. Then, I’ll stir-fry the zoodles in a skillet and add them in too. Toss in steamed broccoli and pre-cooked chicken that I meal prepped or bought from Trader Joe’s (for really good chicken I’ll marinate it in the same sauce as the noodles, but not necessary TBH).  More

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      in lifestyle and culture

      10 Work-From-Home Habits I’ve Adopted That Have Saved My Days

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      I’ll say it over and over again: I absolutely despise working from home. I’m an ENTJ fire sign who thrives in groups and does my best work when surrounded by my competition… haha, I mean my coworkers. But I have to get the heck over it and learn to love all this time at home while we’re doing it. Lately, I’ve been taking advantage of all the perks that come with working remotely and finding ways to create healthier habits at home. Adding these simple habits into my routine has made a major difference in how confident and happy I feel sitting at my desk all day long.
      1. Eating breakfast after 11am
      If you practice intermittent fasting, you’ll understand this concept well. While this definitely encourages me to enjoy my morning beverage and drink some extra water, this is more about how it impacts the rest of my day rather than the health benefits. I notice a major difference in how happy and productive I am when I can take a later lunch, but when I eat breakfast at 8 or 9 in the morning, I’m starving at noon. So by waiting a little bit to eat breakfast, I prolong when I need to eat lunch. This helps me schedule my day better, and I also have less of an urge to snack around 4pm.

      2. Keeping my desk clean
      Pre-WFH life, my “desk” was my vanity. I worked from home twice a week, but I spent those days in bed or at coffee shops. I never needed a clear desk in my home because all of my work was done in the office. Well, that obviously changed. I rearranged my apartment, purchased a comfortable desk chair, and made it a point to keep my desk clear. This has made a major difference in my productivity. I get way more done when I’m sitting down at a desk versus in bed, but I’d often just stay in bed because my desk was filled with makeup and papers and whatever else I accumulated the days prior. 

      3. Set timers
      I have a Google home, and I absolutely swear by it for setting timers throughout my day. I’ll set a timer for 30 minutes and tell myself to write as much as I can in 30 minutes, and then I’ll stop to do a different task. Sometimes, I’ll set an alarm for a specific time to remind myself to take lunch. This is something that was a little bit harder to do in an open-concept office, so I’m taking full advantage while I’m working remotely. It helps keep my productivity at a 10, even when I have a cabinet full of snacks and a TV with Netflix queued up within 5 ft. of me. 

      4. Taking a lunch break—and actually leaving my home
      I used to never take a lunch break for things other than doctor’s appointments and random one-off lunch dates with friends who were in town (or the two times in 2019 that I met the Jonas Brothers and Sophie Turner on the street—no lunch break will ever top those). I would rather grab my lunch and work through it, or at the very least, eat my lunch in front of my computer. Now that I’m at home all day long, I really make it a point to take my lunch break and use it to its full capacity. I’ll go for a walk or use it to run errands or go to the grocery store. Anything that gets me out of my house, or even just out of my desk chair, is worthwhile to me. I find that I’m more motivated and ready to get back to work afterward too. 

      5. Talking to my coworkers
      I have a habit to disassociate during times of stress and anxiety, folding into myself rather than seeking solace and joy through my loved ones. But I’ve made it a habit to check in with people, make sure I’m talking throughout the day, and staying in touch as much as I can, especially at work. It provides that social aspect I love about an office even while I’m at home. I make sure to chime in to conversations, ask about people’s weekends, and more. It adds a bit of normalcy to our otherwise very odd lives right now.

      6. Organize my desktop
      Looking at 500 screenshots and files on my desktop all day long makes me want to close my computer and do nothing even remotely close to work. At the beginning of every workday, I go through my desktop and delete what doesn’t need to be there and organize everything else into their proper folders. I love doing this in the morning because it often gives me reminders of things I need to do and gets me started for the day; however, this could be a great task to save for your final minutes of the workday too.

      7. Break down tasks into small chunks
      If you often feel like you don’t accomplish anything during the day, it’s possibly because you’re looking at the big picture of all of your tasks. Sometimes, sitting down to do something feels unconquerable. But since work-from-home, I give myself a little pep talk and break big projects into as many small tasks as possible. I’ll go as far as to write an item on my to-do list for every single paragraph in an article (think Enneagram articles, perhaps). Write the intro? Check. Write paragraph #1? Check. Add links? Check. It seems simple, but it reminds me at the end of the day that I was getting things done versus feeling like a failure because I didn’t complete a 10-hour project all in one day. 

      8. Keep my phone on another side of the room
      If my phone is next to me, I’m scrolling. There’s just no way around it. So when I know that I need to get a task done without any distractions, I put my phone on the other side of the room (or better yet, a different room; however, I live in a studio apartment so that doesn’t actually exist). Do I miss texts from my best friends about the latest tea of the day? Literally always, but it ends up making me a better friend because I can actually give them my undivided attention later on when I’m allowing myself to actually indulge in my phone. If you get sucked into Tik Tok or Twitter (my weakness) for hours on end, try this. I’ve also played around with turning off my wifi when I’m doing a task that doesn’t require it, like writing an article or editing photos. 

      9. Change my environment
      I get really bored in my space. Heck, I have rearranged my apartment three times during quarantine. To keep myself inspired, I constantly have to change aspects of my environment to give me a boost. Some days this looks like working in bed first thing on Friday morning or allowing myself to write on the couch instead of my desk. Other times this means moving my desk into my closet for one single day because I can’t bear to look at the same white wall all day long. Any way that I can get myself into a different headspace allows me to be significantly more creative. (And it obviously works because you’re reading this totally-original-amazing-never-been-done-before article right now!)

      10. Make plans for the evening
      One of the perks of working in an office is the feeling that your day is over and you have a whole night ahead of you when you leave. I’ve found myself disregarding that entire principle for WFH, allowing myself the whole night to work instead of trying to finish something so I can relax. Lately, I’ve made it a habit to plan something for myself every night. Watching a movie with friends, laying on the couch with a new book, baking something delicious, going for a long walk—I’ve found having something to look forward to, even the simplest of things, gets me out of the mindset that I have all night to complete a task.   More

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      in health and weelbeing

      10 Books to Read That Remind You Everything Will Be Alright

      by

      Sometimes being an adult means realizing that you have no idea what you’re doing.  A lot of us have experienced moments where we are completely out of our depth and have no idea how or who to ask for advice and/or comfort.Taking care of our health—mentally and physically—should be a priority, but it’s sometimes hard to figure out and balance that with everything going on in our lives. How do we get through the day? 
      A lot of people have different ways of coping, such as praying, watching Netflix, working out, and exploring new hobbies. In addition to doing all of this, I’ve been asking friends to share some books that remind them that everything will be alright. This list is full of books that have inspired and helped people in my life and across the internet. Sometimes the wisdom of others is just what we need to get us through another week in quarantine. 

      Marie Kondo
      The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up: The Japanese Art of Decluttering and Organizing

      Japanese cleaning guru Marie Kondo swept through American pop-culture with her show on Netflix. Our minds are often impacted by our environment, and with the coronavirus keeping us all inside, this is a perfect time to really declutter your home. Cleaning and clearing your environment will help inspire a calm, motivated, and peaceful mindset.

      Shonda Rhimes
      Year of Yes

      Even if you never watched any of her shows, Shonda Rhimes has become one of Hollywood’s most recognized producer-writers. Her first book is a poignant, passionate, and hilarious book about taking opportunities, looking past failure, and chasing dreams. She writes about how saying “Yes” changed her life and how it can change your life as well.

      Terry McMillan
      It’s Not All Downhill from Here

      “It’s Not All Downhill From Here” is a refreshing story of the strength and resilience of ‘’everyday’ Black women. Loretha Curry’s life is going well until a sudden loss turns her world upside down. Loretha will have to gather all of her strength to keep on thriving and to pursue joy, healing, and life in abundance.

      Mary Ann Shaffer and Annie Barrows
      The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society

      I stumbled upon the Netflix movie on a random weekend over a year ago and was surprised by how heartfelt and inspiring it was. Juliet finds a letter from a man she’s never met who found her name written inside a book. The more they exchange letters, the more she is drawn into the eccentric world of the Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie society, and learns about their hopes and dreams, their books, and the impact of the German occupation on their lives.

      Michelle Obama
      Becoming

      We often look at prominent women like Michelle Obama as always having everything together and that life must be as perfect as it can get.”Becoming” is a beautiful, inspiring memoir that reminds us that even a First Lady of a country like the United States can be just as human as us—unfinished.

      Cheryl Strayed
      Tiny Beautiful Things

      Hearing other people’s stories and being able to learn from them is one of the best ways to help ourselves get over a slump, or find wisdom and courage to change things in our lives. “Tiny Beautiful Things” is a collection of some of the best of Chery’s Dear Sugar advice columns from “The Rumpus.” Chery’s words are heartwarming, compassionate, and insightful and might be exactly what you need to hear.

      Toni Morrison
      The Source of Self-Regard: Selected Essays, Speeches, and Meditations

      As one of the most celebrated and respected American authors of all time, Toni Morrison was well-known for her striking imagery and genre-defying prose and unabiding wisdom. In this book, she gives us a collection of her essays, speeches, and meditations where she writes about social issues, such as woman empowerment.

      Leslie Jamison
      The Empathy Exams: Essays

      This book is an incredibly thought provoking essay collection about something we all need more of: empathy. Regardless of where you are in life or what you’re going through, or if the news has you feeling hopeless about the future, learning and actively practicing empathy will help you be able to understand how you should care for the people around you and yourself. More

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      in health and weelbeing

      I Stopped Giving Out My Number on Dating Apps—Here’s Why

      by

      Swipe left, swipe right, roll eyes, and repeat. Girl, the wild world of dating apps is a strange place. On one hand, dating apps are a really cool way to browse a catalog of allegedly available people who may be good for the night or a lifetime depending on “how things go.” On another hand, dating apps feel like a trip down the rabbit hole into some weird Alice in Wonderland-esque universe where nothing makes sense. After what I’m realizing has been years of swiping, fishing, matching, hinging, meeting, dating, and failing, I’ve finally implemented some boundaries and standards to keep the weirdos at bay (thank God).  It may sound silly, but I stopped entertaining people for the sake of “what if.” You know what I mean: “what if he’s a nice guy?” or “what if these are just really bad angles in all of his pictures?” I gave up on wondering what if and dealt with what was. Most importantly, I stopped giving my number out on dating apps. 

      After years of swiping, fishing, matching, hinging, meeting, dating, and failing, I’ve finally implemented some boundaries and standards to keep the weirdos at bay.

      Frankly, I’m not comfortable with a bunch of strangers having my phone number. It’s important for me to maintain my boundaries and also protect my privacy. Giving my phone number feels like I’m handing out invitations to my private, more personal life. I don’t think men I don’t know should be able to know me in that way. Honestly, I’ve regretted giving my number out too quickly. Some people are only out to collect numbers and others have no serious intentions anyway. Giving my number out too quickly has sometimes made it difficult for me to discern the interest from the creepy. It’s hard to rid yourself of creeps once they have your number. I’ve experienced people I’ve blocked calling from different numbers. If I’d just left them on the app, ridding myself of them would have been a lot easier. Still not convinced? Before you fire off—hear me out.  

      1. I limit people’s access
      We live in a fast-paced, instantly gratified society where we all feel entitled to each other at the click of a button or the status of a delivered text, but no ma’am. Failing to give my phone number out allows me to limit not only who has access to me, but how much access they have. Setting this boundary means that only those I’m comfortable with will have immediate access to my time, energy, and attention. Everyone else will need to wait until I check my apps. I think it’s important to note that none of my app notifications are turned on either. I will see them when I see them. Limiting those distractions and setting this boundary helps me to remain focused on what’s most important to me. 
      Unfortunately, a stranger from the internet ranks pretty low on my list of priorities. Until someone earns relevancy in my life, they have none, just as I should not have any in their life. If a connection is there and interest grows, getting to know them will become more important and relevant to me. I think it’s a misstep to allow strangers from the internet to have that much space in your life. Yes, we are searching for our mates, but let’s not forget these people are literal strangers until proven otherwise. The desire for a companion should not completely throw you off your axis to the point you are allowing every person who swipes right an opportunity to be with you. And let’s be honest: many of the folks who end up in our inboxes are uninteresting, oddly sexual upon first swipe, or looking to line their cellphones with numbers they don’t intend on calling. We deserve better.

      2. There are so many other means of communication
      We’ve got Instagram, Facebook, Whatsapp, dating apps, letters, smoke signals, and pigeons for goodness sake! Thankfully, we’re living with brand-spanking-new technology that allows us to remain connected through something other than a phone number. Many apps offer video and voice chat right through the app. If a man asks for my number (and I’m interested in getting to know him), I offer to chat through social media, email, or the app we’re on. He either will get with it or get lost. If he gets lost, that saves me from days, weeks, or months of emotional chaos and mental exhaustion trying to interpret “mixed signals.”
      I can almost hear one of you asking, “Well, how are you going to go on a date if you don’t give him your number?” or “How are you supposed to get to know each other if you never talk on the phone?” I’ve got answers for you. I stopped giving out my number because I realized moving the conversation from the dating app didn’t make us any closer or progress the budding relationship any faster. In fact, it just led to a thread of text messages and missed phone calls until we fell off faster than we swiped. 

      3. Setting a boundary helps me see people clearly 
      Failing to give out my number has shown people’s character very quickly. Those without boundaries don’t want you to have any either. When I fail to give a man my number just because he asks for it, it allows me to see how he handles rejection and boundaries. There have been and will continue to be men who curse me out, ghost me, or try to slyly (or forcefully) manipulate me out of my boundary all because I politely declined. I didn’t need them anyway. Then, there have been men (and will continue to be men) who understand my boundary, respect it, and operate within it. Just that fast, I’ve eliminated some people who didn’t deserve me from my dating pool. Yes, there are plenty of fish in the proverbial dating sea, but I don’t need more fish—I need better ones. 

      They say doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results is insanity. After years of operating without boundaries, I’m implementing them now. I don’t want a random text from a guy from Tinder in six months just because he’s bored; I want something meaningful. Everyone has their own dating strategy, and this is mine. Even if you don’t agree with my boundaries, it’s important for you to examine what your boundaries are. What has worked for you? What hasn’t? Your dating strategy should support your emotional wellbeing, as well as protect you from people whose intentions you aren’t sure of. My dating strategy helps me to feel in control, empowered, and safe. So, I’m sticking to it.  More

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      Can’t Orgasm? Here’s Why

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      The climax. The big “O.” Coming. Cleave the pin. Let go. Crack your marbles. You’ve heard all the euphemisms, but you haven’t quite been able to get there yourself. So, whenever you have sex, you’re so focused on getting to the finish line yourself that you just can’t seem to quite get there.We’re here to help! Your sexual pleasure is important, and not being able to orgasm is stressful, uncomfortable, and frustrating. Ready to climax but not sure how? Come (ha) along with me!

      You’re expecting a giant explosion of emotion
      The movies (and friends sometimes, too!) can make an orgasm sound like a firework is exploding in your body. Not every orgasm feels like that. As I once said, orgasms are like snowflakes — they’re all unique!
      Don’t orgasm-compare either! As much as I love talking to friends about sex, make sure you understand that their experiences are going to be different from yours.

      You’re too tense
      Relax girl! When you get too overworked making sure you climax, your body can’t “let go.”
      Yoga, stretching, really any kind of exercise, and meditation can help you relax and get over all the stress you’re putting your body through. It might also be a good idea to let your partner know that you’re struggling. He or she might be able to help calm your nerves and get your body to relax.  

      You and your partner aren’t connecting
      As much as I hate to write this one, it could be something in your relationship that’s making orgasming difficult. Whether you’re not connected physically, you’re both stressed about something, you’re miscommunicating, or something else is going on between the two of you, it might make your body tense up or your mind might be in a different place.
      Practice some mindfulness. It might sound weird (and difficult!), but stay in the present while you’re having sex. Really be there with your partner and stay focused on what’s happening in the present moment. You’ll feel more gratitude toward your partner, and have better sex (!!!).

      Try masturbating
      If you haven’t tried getting off on your own, YOU MUST. Ok, it’s not that dramatic, but I would definitely recommend you start here! Masturbation helps you get an idea of what you enjoy, and once you’re able to make yourself orgasm, it’s easier to tell your partner what he or she can do to get you there.
      If you’re struggling to get off from masturbation as well, try adding in toys and trying different positions.

      Sex is painful
      If sex hurts, obviously you’re not going to enjoy it enough to orgasm. Make an appointment with your doctor ASAP.

      If you’re taking some medications
      Certain medications can decrease your libido and lower your ability to climax. If this is really bothering you, bring this up with your doctor as well.

      You’re afraid of losing control
      Self-proclaimed control freak here, and I can say first-hand that being afraid to lose control and let your body go is actually a very common reason for not being able to orgasm. If you’re with a new partner, dealing with body image issues, or dealing with other areas of stress in your life, it’s easy to feel like you don’t want to lose control of your sex life.
      Communicate with your partner that you’re struggling with this aspect of your sex life. Getting it off your chest is the first step in relinquishing control, and your partner might be able to ease your mind of some of the (probably false!) narratives you’re telling yourself. More

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      I Tried Text Therapy to Help My Anxiety—Here’s How It Went

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      I have never given much thought to how I cope with anything: racism, violence against Black bodies, stress, and sadness. As an outsider looking in, this is the reality for many of the Black women in my life. My mother is the strongest person I know; many would say I am one of the strongest women they know. I now understand how the strong Black woman trope has been passed down through my lineage. Because of the generational shield, our ability to fully express ourselves is limited even amongst those who love and care for us deeply. I can count on one hand how often I’ve seen my mother express her feelings fully, without apology. When I hear her laugh fill a room, it brings me so much joy because I know she is letting go. Truthfully, I can’t tell you the last time I have expressed a full range of emotions, out of fear that I would be labeled difficult, loud, emotional, soft, or angry. I am starting to realize that making my emotional being smaller is likely directly contributing to my new experiences with panic attacks. When I cry, I feel weak; when I laugh, I feel undeserving; when I am angry, I hold it in. The night I found myself in my bedroom closet, crying as my best friend Samantha listened on the phone, I realized it was time for me to talk to someone. That week, I couldn’t drive or do anything without feeling like I would have a panic attack. It was terrifying and made me feel completely out of control—like I didn’t know who I was anymore. 

      I couldn’t drive or do anything without feeling like I would have a panic attack. It was terrifying and made me feel completely out of control—like I didn’t know who I was anymore. 

      Trying Talkspace
      I had thought about therapy before this; however, I continued to put it off. Finding a therapist takes effort and time, especially with the uptick people seeking help due to the coronavirus. I couldn’t wait and go through my healthcare provider, I needed immediate help. So, I settled on Talkspace. Their platform is one that I see ads for often, and they are now accepting health insurance. Kaiser Permanente offers a reduced fee of $40 a week for the first four weeks. Now, this isn’t a permanent solution; however, it can offer a start, because let’s be real: therapy (including teletherapy) is too expensive and not accessible to all. 
      After an emotional release surrounded by my clothes, I was ready to talk. Shortly after setting up my profile, Talkspace helped match me with a therapist. My first match was with a Black woman, and for that reason, I didn’t seek out any other options. If you do find yourself matched with someone who doesn’t feel like a good fit for you, you can ask for other options. Therapist profiles share their specialties, how long they’ve been in practice, and their approach to therapy.
      Before we started to text, I filled out a questionnaire to answer questions about why I was seeking therapy. My therapist also asked, “What brings you to Talkspace?” Truthfully, I felt a little apprehensive about sharing what was going on with me. You know, I’m used to being a strong Black woman—we don’t share these types of inner secrets.
      Instead of shutting down, I typed, “I’m here because I have chronic anxiety, and I want to do more to understand why I’m always so anxious.” Getting that out felt like a relief. Acknowledging my anxiety with a professional instantly made me feel better. As we continued to talk, we started to get to the root of my anxiety, much of which is triggered by my need for control and my position as my family’s glue. “This is all still related because it’s your fear of a loss of control,” she typed. “That’s the struggle!” Seeing this revelation, as simple as it was staring back at me in a green text bubble, was my “ah-ha” moment. Even a small level of understanding made me feel like I was getting closer to feeling like myself again. 

      Even a small level of understanding made me feel like I was getting closer to feeling like myself again. 

      When I started to feel anxiety about little things, like signing a lease on a new apartment (something I always avoid—I’m a month-to-monther), I’d text her. She’d ground me. “There is no promise that everything will be perfect, but it will be good enough,” she typed. “The apartment isn’t a life-altering decision. You have options now, and you’ll have options later. You are making an informed decision. If/when new information comes in, you will evaluate it and determine whether or not you need to act on it.” As someone who feels anxiety about everything because of “what if,” those words in my mind translated to, “Hey, you’re OK. Take things day by day.” When I find myself freaking out over little things, I go back to this message to get re-grounded. 
      Talkspace therapists will typically respond 3-4 times a day up to five days a week. The flow of the responses worked well for me. However, I don’t know if this is the right form of therapy for me long term. The responses were helpful, and even mind-blowing at times. However, I realized I need a one-on-one, face-to-face experience to build what I feel is a genuine rapport with my therapist. This might be the old-school millennial in me, but connecting with someone face-to-face is important in my life beyond therapy. Because of that, I felt a bit disconnected, even when her observations were spot-on. The platform does offer teletherapy options, which means you get one-on-one time virtually with your provider. However, the package that offers four live, 30-minute sessions a month is $396 monthly ($296 with my insurance for the first four weeks), and that just isn’t in my budget. 

      Moving Forward
      Talkspace allowed me to slowly move into giving therapy a try as an adult without feeling any judgment. Texting my responses made me feel comfortable being completely honest about what was going on with me at the time, so much so I now share my anxiety with my friends without feeling any angst. Their support has fueled me, even on tough days. When I’m too anxious to drive, they come to see me (with masks on, of course). When I feel a panic attack creeping in, I call one of them, and they talk to me until I get home. No matter how long it takes. For folks who are curious about therapy, Talkspace is, in my opinion, an excellent entry point. It can be difficult to share your innermost thoughts with a complete stranger, and texting can feel less intrusive. I found it cathartic to type what I was feeling. It was like writing into my diary, except with a mental health professional on the other end.  
      Talkspace provided a stepping stone to my mental health journey. I am setting boundaries with my family, working on letting go, outwardly sharing my experience with anxiety, and discovering new things about myself.
      I am still on the hunt for my forever therapist (and potentially an app that works with my budget), but I’m on the right track.  More

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      15 Recipes to Make at Home Using Trader Joe’s Ingredients

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      Trader Joe’s is the novelty grocery store we know and love. From the friendly workers donning their Hawaiian “uniforms,” the store’s awesome floral selection, and of course, all the different grocery items TJ’s has to offer, there is a lot to like about shopping at Trader Joe’s. One of my favorite parts is seeing all their new product releases. I’m also intrigued by what they’re going to launch next, but sometimes I’m not sure how I can incorporate their new products into my meals.How do I cook with harissa?
      What would pair well with coconut milk?
      Can I put the Impossible Burger on the grill?
      How do I make an acai bowl at home?
      See what I mean? If you’re anything like me and avoid buying new products because you’re not quite sure what to do with them once you get home, fear not! Below, I’ve rounded up 15 recipes using Trader Joe’s ingredients so you can grocery shop with confidence and add new meals to your weekly rotation.

      TJ’s Ingredient: Frozen charred corn

      Source: What’s Gaby Cooking

      TJ’s Ingredient: Spicy Thai cashews

      Source: Pinch of Yum

      TJ’s Ingredient: Sweet Chili Thai Sauce

      Source: One Lovely Life

      TJ’s Ingredient: Coconut aminos

      Source: Food Heaven Made Easy

      TJ’s Ingredient: Everything But The Bagel Seasoning

      Source: 40 Aprons

      TJ’s Ingredient: Jackfruit

      Source: Love & Lemons

      TJ’s Ingredient: Frozen seafood mix

      Source: Budget Bytes

      TJ’s Ingredient: Coconut sugar

      Source: Cookie + Kate

      TJ’s Ingredient: Pimento cheese

      Source: The Kitchenista Diaries

      TJ’s Ingredient: Cruciferous cabbage mix

      Source: All The Healthy Things

      TJ’s Ingredient: Dark chocolate PB cups

      Source: Gimme Some Oven

      TJ’s Ingredient: Cauliflower gnocchi

      Source: A Saucy Kitchen

      TJ’s Ingredients: Beef bone broth

      Source: The Defined Dish

      TJ’s Ingredient: Vegan cream cheese

      Source: Minimalist Baker

      TJ’s Ingredient: Quinoa spaghetti

      Source: Foolproof Living More