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    5 Green Flags You Have Healthy Boundaries

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    For years, I thought I had healthy boundaries. I’ve always been pretty good at saying no, so I figured I had it all down (because I genuinely thought that’s all a boundary was). But recently, I started to notice a pattern of irritability throughout my day, and I realized I was spending so much time cleaning up everyone else’s messes that I didn’t have time for my own. It turns out, I wasn’t setting clear boundaries at all! And how could I, when I didn’t even have clarity around the strategies that would meet my needs for support? It got me thinking: how many of us are actually tuned into our boundaries? How many of us know what it feels like when our boundaries are set and working properly? So I decided to reach out to Elisabeth T. Lilja, a licensed therapist based in Salt Lake City who specializes in trauma, to shed some light on what healthy boundaries look like and how to know if you have them in place.

    Meet the expert
    Elisabeth T. Lilja, LCSW MSW RYT
    LICENSED THERAPIST, and MASTERS OF SOCIAL WORK
    Lilja is a therapist and private practice owner of Salt City Therapy based in Salt Lake City, Utah. She specializes in trauma and helping people strengthen their relationship with their body and self-trust.

    What is a healthy boundary, anyway?
    Boundaries are more than just saying “no” to the things that don’t serve you (although that is a healthy component as you’ll read about soon). Lilja defined boundaries as “the needs, limits, and rules we set for ourselves.” That means you understand where your limits are, but you also understand what your needs are—and you’re able to create strategies (rules) to meet them. “Healthy boundaries within relationships are often informed by a healthy boundary relationship with ourselves,” Lilja said. “In relationships, we may look at healthy boundaries as created with connection over protection in mind.”
    Lilja reminded me that there will be times when protective boundaries in relationships are necessary, but a signal that your boundaries are serving you both is when they help build a sense of connection with one another. You are both clear on what you need, you know each other’s limits, and you respect each other’s rules.
    So now that we have a working definition of a healthy boundary down, let’s dive into the signs that you—and those you have a relationship with—are, in fact, working those boundaries the right way.
     
    Green Flags You Have Healthy Boundaries

    1. Your “no” is respected
    When you’re clear on what’s a “no” for you and you respect and support that “no,” that’s a healthy boundary you’ve created for yourself. And when the people in your life respect it too, that’s a healthy relationship boundary. Keep in mind, “respect” doesn’t necessarily mean no questions asked. The people in your life may still ask for clarification around your “no.” “What this means is we aren’t pushed, bullied, or manipulated into a ‘yes,’” Lilja clarified.
    When someone else has opinions surrounding your “no,” (which can often happen) it doesn’t necessarily mean they don’t respect it. “How these feelings are communicated and responded to can indicate the health of our relationships,” Lilja explained. If you are able to hold space for someone else’s feelings about your “no” while still feeling grounded in clarity around your “no,” that’s a major green flag that your boundaries are in the healthy zone.

    2. You engage in conflict with curiosity
    You’re showcasing healthy boundaries when you “are able to be in respectful, healthy conflict that doesn’t move into name-calling, abuse, manipulation, or harmful actions like stonewalling,” Lilja said. And one way to avoid participating in those behaviors is by engaging in curiosity. “Curiosity is a way we can establish healthy relating,” Lilja explained. When you’re curious about the other person’s experience, you’re less likely to make assumptions about their experience that would lead to blaming or shaming. 
    Some questions Lilja offered to check in with yourself about whether or not you’re engaging with curiosity were: “Am I inviting room for clarification over conclusions, assumptions, and defensiveness? Am I asking questions to seek clarification? Am I aware and able to communicate in a respectful way what I am feeling or experiencing and may need?” When you engage with curiosity, it gives you space to feel confident about your own boundaries while respecting the boundaries of another.

    3. You can express your needs and boundaries clearly
    “Needs, or boundary expression, indicates that we are able to advocate for ourselves, that we value our worth and getting [our] needs met in a relational space,” Lilja said. In other words, you know your boundaries are in a healthy zone when you feel safe expressing what you need. When you’re grounded in what you need because you know it’s what’s best for you, it’s a lot easier to feel confident in the ask, even when it can’t be met in the moment.
    “Again, this doesn’t mean that understanding and clarification can’t be wanted around the need or boundary expressed, or that the boundary or need will always be able to be met,” Lilja stated. “Rather, there is space for you to have and express your boundaries. And for persons you are in a relationship with to have the same.”

    4. Repair is important to you
    Even in the most well-meaning relationships, boundaries get crossed. “Ruptures happen in relationships—yes, even healthy ones,” Lilja said. When you prioritize repair after one of those ruptures, you’re setting yourself up for healthy boundaries in the future. Think of it as healthy boundary maintenance.
    According to Lilja, repair looks like learning how to extend an apology (this isn’t just saying the words, “I’m sorry”), taking accountability for how you might have harmed someone, and acknowledging what you will try to do differently in the future. “Repair is a critical part of a secure relationship and healthy relating,” she said. “It’s a good sign if you and someone else can seek repair in a relationship.”

    5. You’re consistent in your follow-through
    Something that’s always stuck with me is the concept that healing requires time and evidence. When you receive consistent proof that something is serving you over a period of time, you begin to believe in it. You start to feel safer in your experience. In the context of boundaries, Lilja noted that consistency is when we do what we say we are going to do. And if something needs to shift, we communicate.
    Having the experience of predictable follow-through builds and maintains a sense of trust that our boundaries will be consistently respected. “While it may not seem like it, follow-through is us upholding a boundary with ourselves,” she said. “Practicing boundaries with ourselves can lead to establishing, upholding, and maintaining boundaries with others.”

    Expert Tips To Help Strengthen Your Boundary Skills

    1. Notice when you are saying “yes” when you mean “no” 
    “Part of learning to find our ‘no’ is understanding why we might be saying ‘yes’ to something we want to say no to,” Lilja said. Getting to the bottom of what’s stopping you can help you shift out of this pattern. “A practice for this is to notice what belief may be coming up for you when you aren’t honoring a ‘no.’” For example, ask yourself what would happen if you said no. Are you worried the other person would feel let down, disappointed in you, hurt, or like you less? Maybe you feel unworthy to set that boundary?
    Then ask yourself if the outcome you anticipate is the outcome that would actually happen IRL. “While [your] feeling or belief is real, is it true?” Lilja asked. “Are there times you have said no and what you fear might not have happened? It can be scary to gather different information, and this is something the body needs to start to make changes.”

    2. Learn how to apologize and repair
    Having healthy boundaries is not just about setting our own boundaries, but respecting the boundaries of the other person. And a key piece of respecting others’ boundaries is apologizing when we (inevitably) cross a boundary. “This can be incredibly challenging for many reasons,” Lilja empathized. “Repairing is also something that can get easier with practice.” Also, apologizing is always important, even if you didn’t have bad intentions or didn’t mean to hurt someone. An apology invites empathy, or acknowledgment that the other person’s experience is real. 
    If you’re curious what an actual apology looks like, Lilja offered phrases you can use below, which she calls the anatomy of an apology. Each one is important when you’re genuinely apologizing and attempting to repair.

    I am sorry for…: The “for” is important here. Name what you are repairing or apologizing for. Think of this as the why. Why are you apologizing? This is how you take accountability for your actions.
    I could have done things differently by… or Moving forward I will…: This shows that you not only understand what you’re apologizing for, but you know how to change your actions moving forward. This is critical for repairing the relationship in the future.
    How are you feeling? or What do you need to feel better about this?: Checking in allows the other person the space to communicate with you what they need, and what you both can do to truly repair.

    3. Practice follow-through
    Following through with your boundaries is as simple as sticking to your promises. Do what you say you are going to do, and communicate when something needs to change. When you show up consistently for yourself, you build trust and a better understanding of which commitments are and are not serving you. Lilja suggested starting small, like making one promise to yourself that you can follow through with on a daily basis. This might look like a morning or nightly ritual (think: journaling or meditating) or setting a time to finish something on your to-do list. Notice how you feel when it’s time to follow through with something, and how it feels to actually do it. “Keeping track of your follow-through can be helpful,” Lilja said. “If you don’t follow through on what you have selected, what happened? What is this telling you? Are you noticing a pattern?” All of this information can help guide you to shift your habits toward more consistent follow-through.

    4. Seek therapy
    If you’re looking for extra support as you flex these skills, therapy is an excellent way to practice with a third party. “Therapy can be a wonderful way to learn how to strengthen boundaries with ourselves and others—creating the space to be curious about what we learned about being in a relationship with ourselves and others,” Lilja confirmed. It can also be a safe place for you and a partner to practice engaging in healthy boundaries with each other to ensure you’re setting up a framework that will support you for years to come.

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      I Have a Small Friend Group, and TBH, It’s Lovely

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      When I was nine years old, I watched Aquamarine on repeat in my room because TBH, I didn’t have any friends. The characters that Emma Roberts, Sara Paxton, JoJo, and Arielle Kebbel played were the girlfriends I always wanted and needed. But after moving with my family to a new state, I was, for lack of a better term, a loner. The new girl in town. And somehow, I haven’t ever escaped that title.
      Between the ages of nine and 24, I moved seven times across three different states. Starting fresh is something I kick ass fat, but what I struggle with is making new friends and maintaining long-distance friendships. I envy the girls I know who have had the same best friend since kindergarten (my sister) and the girls I know who had like a million bridesmaids (none of them ever being me). The friends I have had throughout my life have been 1) people from school, 2) friends of my family members, 3) friends of my partner, and 4) coworkers. So, they all have fallen under the category of obligated or temporary.
      At this point in my life, I’ve accepted the fact that long-standing, close friendships, might always be unfamiliar to me. And after many years of thinking something was wrong with me or that I should be embarrassed by that, I became OK with having a few here and there. That doesn’t mean I’m not still envious of those who do have those types of friendships, it just means I have learned to value the friends that I do have, no matter how they came into my life, how long we stay consistent friends, or how “close” I consider them to be.
      Most of the time, it’s not as sad as it sounds. I don’t consider myself “the girl with no friends” anymore, but I’ll be honest when I say I’m still “the girl with no plans.” My friends and I are like ships in the night. We try to make plans more often than we do but our schedules differ, our lives get in the way, and we end up sending “we need to get together soon!” or “let me know what you end up doing Saturday!” texts that we forget to follow up on. It does make the time we spend together IRL incredibly special, but those times are few and far between.
      If you can relate and need a reminder of the good that can come from having a small friend group, I’ve done some serious reflecting and am outlining the silver linings below:

      The Perks of Small Friend Groups
      I’ll be the first to admit that having a small friend group can be really lonely at times, but it’s not all bad all the time. There are some pretty good perks on the flip side of it like being able to form stronger bonds, only having to remember a handful of birthdays, and more noteworthy advantages:

      There’s less drama
      There’s no room for he-said-she-said when there are only a few of you. The drama that comes with a big friend group is practically non-existent in a small friend group, and when you’re in your late twenties like me, that’s a true blessing. That’s not to say that everything is perfect all the time, but there is less friction than there probably would be if our friendship dynamics were shared with more people.

      You can have stronger connections
      You know when you’re at a party and you’re trying to circulate and talk to everyone? You might know a lot of people and consider them friends, but the conversations hardly ever go beyond the “how’s it going” stage. Now think about when you’re spending time with a few friends and how different those conversations are. We’re way more likely to open up, have deeper conversations, and really listen to each other. I know we’ve all heard this a million times, but friendships really are about quality over quantity.
      And I know this is small potatoes, but when you only have a handful of friends, it’s pretty easy to remember all of their important dates: birthdays, anniversaries, etc., and I always think that sets a good friend apart from a great one.

      You always have time for self-care
      My favorite perk of them all? The amount of time that I get to spend with myself. Sure, there are some nights I wish a friend was available to grab dinner instead of having no plans, but more often than not, I’m pretty excited to cuddle up on the couch, do a facemask, and shop online while I watch a rom-com. Spending more time with myself means I can spend more time working on myself. I’m trying new fitness classes, reading more books, becoming more self-aware, prioritizing my goals, and a million other things that have made me a better person. Because of this, I’m becoming a better friend to the ones I do have.

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      Going on a First Date? Here’s Every Ritual You Need To Get Over Pre-Date Jitters and Feel More Confident

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      I think we can all agree that first dates can be a little nerve-wracking. Whether you met through mutual friends, on an online dating app, or at your local coffee shop (the dream meet-cute, if you ask me), the jittery feelings before the main event are always there. Spending a couple of hours with someone you just met is a very vulnerable act after all. You’re not only trying to figure out if you like each other, but also contemplating what questions to ask them, who’s paying, what to order, or when to call it a night. But let’s not forget first dates should also be fun! So how do you let go of the jittery nerves and go into a first date confident and open? It’s all about mindset. 
      Your mindset can be the make-or-break factor in having a great date. We’ve all experienced the date who unloads their bad day on you before the drinks have even been ordered, and no one wants that. Going into a first date with a great mindset won’t necessarily weed out the bad dates, but it will allow you the grace of not being phased by them, and even better, to truly connect on the good ones. Read on for some first date tips and rituals to try to get in the right mindset before your next rendezvous.

      Meditate
      Taking a moment to connect with yourself before a first date sets you up to feel good about the conversations you’ll have and the questions you’ll ask, and there’s no better way to do that than by meditating. Meditation is the ultimate mind-body connection, and when you take five or ten minutes to meditate, you are re-centering and sending signals to your brain to relax and trust yourself.
      There are lots of ways to meditate before a date. For example, the Superhuman App has a “Getting Ready” guided meditation and the Unplug App has a wide array of guided meditations to choose from, or you can do a walking meditation or guided journaling. However you meditate, by taking that time to reconnect with yourself, you can go on a date feeling more open to connecting with others. 

      Repeat affirmations
      Affirmations can feel a little uncomfortable at first, especially if they are not part of your routine. But words are powerful, and when you repeat an affirmation enough, you start to believe it. Some affirmations to try before a first date include: “I will trust my own intuition,” “I am a complete person on my own,” “I am open and full of good energy,” and “I can leave whenever I want to.” I like to think of affirmations as secret weapons you can pull out whenever you need them. Say them before, during, and after the date. They are great little reminders of your boundaries and how amazing you are. 

      Manifest a great date
      It may sound a little cheesy to manifest a great date, but hear me out. Manifestation is the act of turning your thoughts into a reality. Now, it’s not as simple as just wishing for a great date and hoping it comes true. You have to intentionally live out your dreams in your day-to-day life. In a broader sense, manifesting a great date might look like getting clear about the kind of partner you hope to have one day, then writing down those characteristics and being intentional about the people you choose to date after that. It could also look like letting go of any preconceived ideas of the type of person or relationship you want or should have and being more open to the people who come into your life (a Charlotte and Harry situation here for all the Sex and the City fans). Manifesting a great date really breaks down to manifesting a great love life, and when you live openly and intentionally, you allow yourself to have both.

      Set clear boundaries
      I’ve always disliked the phrase, “You have to kiss a few frogs before you meet Prince Charming,” because you actually don’t have to kiss any frogs if you don’t want to. Before you go on any date, get clear with yourself about what your boundaries are, and then don’t be afraid to be open about them. Boundaries are there to make us feel safe and comfortable, and whoever you are dating should be respectful of those boundaries. And if they aren’t, then they’re probably not a good fit.
      Taking some time before each first date to set clear boundaries makes navigating any situation that may arise on the date easier. For example, you’ll already know how to answer questions like, “Do you want to come back to my place?” or “Can I kiss you?” You should also feel fully in your power to change your boundaries as the date progresses or for different people. They are your boundaries to set and change as you like.

      Create and practice a “getting-ready” ritual
      Part of the reason we feel so nervous about first dates is because of the pressure we put on them. There’s the pressure to look your best, be outgoing and fun, all the while deciphering if they are “the one,” or at least worth going on date #2. This makes dating not only nerve-wracking, but also exhausting, and the whole point of dating is to have fun. Creating and practicing a “getting-ready” ritual before a first date can help ease some of that pressure. Your ritual should be something you enjoy doing that helps you relax and get in a good mindset before going on a date. Maybe your ritual involves a Bravo show and your go-to cocktail while doing your makeup or simply a cup of coffee and a kickass playlist. 

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      Yes, You Can *Actually* Manifest a Better Love Life–Here’s How

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      Growing up, most of us learned about dating, sex, and relationships from an issue of Cosmopolitan or an episode of Sex and The City, not by knowing how to manifest. But a few years ago I was introduced to manifestation and it quite literally changed my life (which, by definition, is the whole point of manifesting). As more and more people started to swear by the Law of Attraction for increasing their wealth, popularity, or happiness, it only made sense that it would be used to improve love lives too. 
      After all, some of the biggest questions throughout human history are matters of the heart (“They love me; they love me not”), and everything from Shakespeare’s sonnets to Nancy Meyers’ rom-coms tries to explain the secret to a happy relationship. So could manifestation really be the answer to kicking ass on dates and dating apps, improving your relationship, or overall feeling more satisfied in your relationship status? I asked Dana Lord Lewis, a manifestation expert and founder of Energy Think, for all her tips and tricks on how (and why!) manifestation can transform your love life. Take a break from swiping and read on to achieve a fulfilling love life in 2023.

      Meet the expert
      Dana Lord Lewis
      Energetics Expert and Founder of Energy Think
      Dana Lord Lewis is a thought leader in the realm of manifestation and the founder of Energy Think, a science-based modality that coaches individuals to achieve their dream lives.

      What is “manifesting” and how does it work?
      Manifestation is all the buzz across TikTok and The New York Times Best Seller list, but the concept of the Law of Attraction is nothing new, rooted in ideas that come from various philosophical and religious traditions. The idea of manifesting has been covered in dozens of self-help books and discussed by thought leaders around the world, from Oprah to Deepak Chopra to Iyanla Vanzant. The concept is essentially creating reality or bringing something tangible into your life based on attraction and belief. For example, if you think it, believe it, and then act on it, it will come (the key words being “belief” and “action,” since hoping for something alone isn’t enough). But that’s not all. 
      “When people talk about manifestation, it typically has to do with bringing something intentional to fruition,” Lewis explained. “But manifestation also comes from potentials of the unconscious mind. Many people do not realize that they have, on an unconscious level, called it in.” In other words, manifestation does not only come into play when you want a dream promotion, relationship, or house; whether consciously or unconsciously, our thoughts, worries, and beliefs can become our reality too. 

      How can manifestation affect your dating life?
      Since we are constantly manifesting thoughts into existence (whether consciously or unconsciously), it can affect every area of your life—including your love life. Lewis said that she often sees the negative effects of unconscious manifestation in relationships because of worry and fear. “A lot of limiting beliefs play themselves out in the dating world. Our insecurities are triggered, and therefore, we feel fearful and we take action that comes from that fear.” Maybe this looks like sending a text out of insecurity or not sending a text to protect your vulnerability. Maybe this means you tend to date multiple people at the same time because it feels scary to get serious, or maybe this means you always need a serious partner because it makes you feel safe.
      All of our insecurities look different in our dating lives and relationships, but they can be holding us back from a happy love life. “What you do with your energy when you are emotionally challenged is the most important thing to ensure you aren’t sabotaging a love life you may want,” Lewis suggested. But just like we want to get out of certain thought patterns and behaviors to avoid the love lives we don’t want, we can also manifest what we do want.

      3 steps to manifest a better love life:
      1. Develop self-awareness
      The Laws of Attraction are not about stating what you want and expecting to get it like a spoiled kid in a toy store. Instead, the Laws of Attraction state that the way you behave or feel about yourself attracts certain energies to you. When it comes to dating, that means the energy you’re giving out is what you will attract in dates or a partner. “How you treat yourself internally is going to be projected out onto others,” Lewis explained. “This means what you put out, you will get back, perhaps in a different form but with the same character.” So the first important step is to know what you are attracting by developing more self-awareness. What do you do when you feel under pressure? How do you handle insecurities? Why do you want (or not want) a relationship?

      2. Shift out of energy habits that don’t serve your goals
      Once you’re aware of the energy you’re giving off and what you truly want, you can make adjustments to get what you want. For example, if you’re looking for a healthy, lasting relationship but have rooted insecurities that cause you to be jealous or controlling, you may unconsciously attract partners who will give you reason to be jealous or controlling. Work on your own insecurities and prioritize self-love, and you’ll begin attracting partners who will love you like you love you.

      3. Take ownership of your life
      Lewis said the most powerful step is the last one, which she calls “Radical Self Ownership.” You must truly believe and realize that your life is in your control. Life doesn’t happen to you; it happens by you. “The third step is where you realize that you are the creator of your reality, both its pleasure and its pain,” she explained. “When this power is recognized and embraced, everything changes—especially the way you relate to those closest to you. Ultimately, the more you can learn about yourself and accept yourself, the more you will experience love with others.”

      How to improve your love life if…
      You’re single…
      If you’re feeling exhausted or stressed out about the dating apps, online profiles, and planning IRL meet-ups, don’t push through in hopes you’ll achieve the love life of your dreams (because you won’t!). PSA: Dating does not have to be tiring and should be enjoyable if you’re going to manifest a better love life. “Dating feels tiring when there is fear experienced around it because fear is immensely draining,” Lewis explained. “When you take away fear, dating is a source of energy.” In other words, dating should be fun. If it’s not, you might be dating out of fear of being alone or feel too much fear of rejection in order to actually enjoy the process (more on that below). 
      Instead of dating from a place of fear, date from a place of enjoyment. “There are so many benefits to this phase of life,” Lewis said. “If you are single, it is a gift. If you’re single and want to be in a relationship, singlehood is a gift that won’t last forever.” Lewis recommended spending time getting to know yourself better and to try something different to “shake up your current understanding of the world.” Also, remember that all situations exist to benefit you—and yes, that means even single phases, bad first dates, or hurtful ghosting. “Take this opportunity to go beyond the desire for a relationship, and connect to the part of you that feeds this idea that being ‘alone’ is negative.”

      You’re in a relationship…
      So you’re in a relationship but looking to kick it up a notch? Maybe you’ve been together forever and it’s feeling a little complacent, or you’ve recently coupled up but your communication is off. There’s a lot you can do to manifest a better love life too, and—no surprise—it also starts with getting to know yourself better. Lewis recommended getting to know how you like to cycle energy, which can cause patterns in relationships. For example, if you’re a very giving person, you may fall into a pattern of putting others first and yourself last, or if you’re a perfectionist and self-critical, you may be overly critical of your partner or relationship as well. Also, if you have the mentality that your relationship is holding you back from other dreams (like moving across the country, having kids, or getting your dream job), it can lead to disconnect and resentment.
      Lewis explained that (as long as there are no toxic behaviors) the areas where your relationship needs improvement is a reflection of your own energetic state and the way you see yourself. If you give too much to your partner, work on giving more to yourself (instead of expecting them to give more to you). If you’re critical of your relationship, work on being kinder to yourself, and the way you talk about your partner or relationship will follow. “There are so many things you can do to make yourself more in alignment, which will bring happiness and improve all relationships,” Lewis said.  But beware: Since the work is coming from working on yourself, it can be tempting to think that you’re “doing all the work” and fault your partner for not doing the same. Lewis claimed the best advice she has for couples is to not have expectations of your partner to better the relationship to the same degree that you do. In other words, don’t keep score, which can manifest a relationship you don’t want. “To depend on someone else for your better life (even in a relationship) is a losing battle and puts dependency on them for your happiness,” Lewis explained. “To be truly happy in your relationship, the utmost priority should be your own alignment, independent of all others.”

      You’re worried about rejection…
      And now for the majority of us: the ones who avoid going on dates because we’re worried we won’t be liked, or the ones who put too much pressure on our relationships because we don’t feel secure. When you’re worried about rejection, you are literally manifesting a negative love life. Instead, shift your perspective to believe that rejection is not real (no, really). “When we experience the feelings of rejection, we are experiencing it because we have rejected ourselves,” Lewis explained. In other words, everything you know about your relationships to other people is from your own perception. Therefore, you can shift your perception of a bad date, break up, fight with your partner, or Tinder match who never responded to not include rejection at all. 
      All it takes to make this shift is a few key changes. Lewis recommended spending more time on the people and things that fill you with joy. For example, maybe limit the happy hours with the coworkers who complain about their relationships or gossip about the office and spend more time with the friend who’s really into yoga (and is good at motivating you too) or your sister who is so passionate about her non-profit. Beyond the people you spend time with, spend more time on your own fostering your interests, taking care of your body, and making the effort to heal wounds by going to therapy or gratitude journaling. We only experience fear of rejection when we believe our worth is tied to whether we fit the bill of what another person thinks of us, so work on your own worth. “When you live in alignment and are nourishing yourself, it genuinely won’t matter to you if people vibe with that or not,” Lewis agreed. 

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      The Latest Sexual Wellness Trends You Are Going To Want To Try This Year

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      When you hear the word “wellness,” chances are smoothies, Pilates, and trends like mouth taping, red light therapy, and cold plunges first come to mind. A self-pleasure protocol and regular orgasms probably are not the first things that come to mind. But tending to your sexual health, desires, and sexuality is a form of self-care, just as much as therapy, journaling, and getting quality Zzzs (more on that to come).
      Thankfully, 2023 is the year of normalizing sex (seeing it an essential part of our overall well-being) and sexual inclusivity (AKA de-stigmatizing sexuality). Case in point: the range of sexual wellness products (think: vibrators, lubes, toys) that you’ll be able to shop in-store alongside your beauty must-haves, feminine products, and groceries in one fell swoop. From self-pleasure and sexual mindfulness, I asked sex experts to dish on the sexual wellness trends you don’t want to sleep on this year. Read on to get a head start on what’s hot on the sexual wellness scene for 2023.  

      1. Sexuality as self-care

      Bubble bath? Check. Hot girl walk? Check. Vibrator? Check. Equal with pampering yourself and exercising regularly, taking time to be sexual falls under physical self-care, according to the National Alliance on Mental Illness’s Self-Care Inventory. In other words, we should be prioritizing taking care of our bodies sexually in the same way we do our healthy eating, exercise, and skincare routines. “We saw a huge rise in attention to health and self-care during the pandemic and sexual wellness fits right in,” explained Brittany Lo, Founder of sexual wellness brand Beia. “There are so many health benefits to sexual wellness: for example, orgasms can help you sleep better, boost your mood, and strengthen your pelvic floor muscles. Expect to see a shift in focus from sexual wellness being indulgent to an every day practice.”
      And it goes without saying that sexual wellness doesn’t start and end with having pleasurable sex, whether we’re talking with a partner or going solo. Following through with your annual wellness visits, getting tested for STIs, exploring self-discovery, and becoming aware of your own body, sexuality, and what feels good all make up a holistic approach to sex-care. 

      2. Sexual products with clean, organic ingredients
      Just as we’re becoming more conscious of using more natural skincare and household products, the oils, lubes, supplements, wipes, bath salts you use in your sex life should be no different. Thanks to revolutionary, female-led companies leading the charge in redefining sexual wellness, we now have our pick of intimate goods that deliver on clean ingredients as much as they do pleasure. “The sexual wellness category is still in its infancy so I think we will see a lot of outdated products go out of style and focus on clean, vegan formulas the same way many of us do in our skincare products,” Lo predicted. 
      “We’ve had a great increase in options for all-natural products that are designed for the female body, but what most consumers don’t realize is that your vulva and vagina are very absorbent and made from the same mucosal lining as your mouth, which means anything and everything you put on it absorbs into your body,” agreed Kiana Reeves, a somatic sex educator, pelvic health practitioners, and Chief Content Officer at Foria. “That’s why it’s super important to not just use natural products, but they also really need to be organic.” Bottom line: Avoid ingredients like glycerin, nonoxynol-9, petroleum, propylene glycol, parabens, and chlorhexidine gluconate. There’s nothing sexy about added toxins. 
       
      3. Self-pleasure routines
      There’s nothing like a euphoric, toe-curling orgasm and the physical and emotional effects that come with it (hello, feel-good chemicals). And taking matters into your hands (literally)—whether that looks like experimenting with multiple erogenous zones during a solo sesh (see: Friends episode where Monica describes the seven different ones to Chandler) or stepping up your sex toy collection—means getting to know your body better and what turns you on, not to mention developing self-confidence inside and outside the bedroom.
      “Taking charge of the sexual [element] in your romantic relationship and not constantly depending on someone else to provide you that spark will be on most people’s list this year,” explained Aliyah Moore, a certified sex therapist. “This year, many couples will be seeking ways to be more present in the bedroom while also igniting the spark of passion and pleasure within themselves, rather than relying only on one another.”

      But self-pleasure goes beyond reaching the big “O” solo. It also involves letting go of any shame and judgment surrounding your sexual self. “A reclamation is happening: women are taking their power back over their femininity, pleasure, and sexuality, releasing generations of sexual shame and allowing themselves to meet their own needs and desires first,” conveyed Steph Morris, a love, sex, and relationship coach. Morris suggested planning regular dates with yourself and romanticizing your life, allowing yourself to meet your own needs and self-sourcing your own pleasure.

       
      4. Foreplay products

      If the growth of the global sex toy market tells us anything (it’s expected to reach over $62 billion by 2030), it’s that the use of sex toys for more sexual satisfaction is only going to become more accepting and ubiquitous. “There [has been] such a big stigma against using sexual wellness toys to enhance pleasure, even though they play a crucial role in closing the O-gap,” Lo said. “80% of women have faked an orgasm and I think a lot of it comes down to not feeling in control of your own pleasure. Toys are a great way to take control and find what works for you.”

      Reeves explained that over the last few years, we’ve seen the sexual wellness market heavily focus on lubes, arousal oils, and all-natural alternatives to support pleasure during sexual activity. “This year I think we will see a wave of products that focus on enhancing sensuality and foreplay, helping to set the mood, connect people with their desire, and reach deeper levels of pleasure and arousal,” she predicted. “Foreplay is an essential act that often gets forgotten in the throws of passion or when the familiarity and sexual habits of a long-term relationship take hold.” Still not convinced? Using sex toys can help boost body confidence, better sleep, and relationship satisfaction, just to name a few. *Immediately adds five to cart.*
       
      5. Sex therapy

      Sexual health is equal parts physical and mental. We seek therapy for mental and emotional health, so why not for our sexual well-being to? “People are realizing that sexual health is just as important as mental health,” explained Dr. Lee Phillips, a psychotherapist and certified sex and couples therapist. “Sexuality is a phenomenon in which biological and psychological factors intersect, so both a person’s physical condition and their psychological well-being represent interdependent cornerstones of sexual health.” Common issues can include sexual problems related to chronic illness, pain, and disabilities, unsatisfactory libido levels, orgasm difficulties, painful intercourse, sexual trauma, gender and sexual orientation concerns, and relationship issues, all of which can create shame, depression, anxiety, stress, and anger.

      The good news? There’s an app for everything, even therapy for sex and relationships. “These apps can assist those who find discussing sex awkward and serve as a means to bring up problems with their partner and resolve them in the privacy of their own homes,” Moore concluded. “Making therapy more accessible, encouraging crucial partner conversations, and fostering a better awareness of our own bodies can only result in positive things.” Look for a sex therapist in your area or download an app like Coral.
       
      6. Sexual mindfulness

      “Experiencing sex in a whole new way is possible when you get out of your busy mind and into your physical, emotional, and energetic bodies,” Morris affirmed. Enter: mindfulness. When you pause, become more aware of your sensations, thoughts, and feelings in the present moment, and let go of any feelings of shame, you can increase your mind-body awareness and your capacity to feel pleasure. “Breathwork is a powerful embodiment practice that sensitizes your whole system, cultivating a deeper connection with your body and deepening your feeling of safety and ability to surrender to more pleasure,” Morris continued. The result? A powerful orgasm. 
      Morris suggested taking five minutes to do a connected breath in and out through your mouth (either alone or with your partner) to get your body warmed up and quiet the mind before getting into intimacy. In the same vein, you can go the meditation route because, yes, you can meditate your way to better sex. A 2018 study found that people who meditate tend to have more sexual desire and better sexual functioning than people who don’t. Meditation decreases stress and helps you tune into your body and let go of distractions after all, leading to higher levels of sexual satisfaction. So before getting steamy between the sheets, try a guided meditation or setting an intention, then taking deep, slow breaths as you stay present and feel every sensation. 

      How To Increase Your Libido in 2023, According To Sex Experts More

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      15 Resolutions To Make for a Better Relationship in 2023

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      I see all you goal-getters out there—you’re setting goals for your career and your finances and you’re journaling affirmations for your mental and physical health. I’m proud of you! So why not set intentions for your love life while you’re at it? A fresh year is a perfect opportunity to think about what you and your partner want the next 12 months of your relationship to look like.
      So whether you want to talk through relationship resolutions together or make individual goals to be a more mindful partner, we are sharing 15 ideas that can help you kick off a whole new year of #relationshipgoals.
      Important note: We have these resolutions broken down into categories (based on how long you’ve been with your partner), but know that all of these resolutions can be helpful to implement at any point in your relationship!

      If you only recently started dating…

      Make your partner laugh more
      We try to be funny and impress on first dates, but after a few dates (when the first date jitters are gone and you’re not as worried about being “fun and cool”), we put less effort into impressing our significant other. However, laughing together makes you feel closer and makes any time you spend together more enjoyable. So this year, instead of always telling your funniest jokes to your coworkers around the water cooler, save some for your partner.

      Build common goals to achieve together
      While you’re busy making your own New Year’s resolutions (better budgeting and eating more greens, here we come!), make sure you clue your partner into what you want out of this year and learn what they want as well. Build common goals together, whether it’s financial (grow your savings) or wellness (put away screens an hour before bed). Making goals for your life together or sharing your personal goals will feel like you’re on a team, and you’ll both feel more supported.

      Try something new
      Whether it’s taking a class, going to a new restaurant, or experimenting in the bedroom, experiencing firsts together sets a great foundation for a relationship and can help keep dates fresh and exciting from the very beginning. But keep in mind that it’s important to try new things solo too. Taking up a new hobby, planning a solo trip, or learning a new skill can give you a chance to focus on yourself and to ensure that you have activities that you enjoy outside of your relationship. If you and your partner both have your own interests that you are genuinely passionate about, you will always have something new to talk about.

      If you’ve been together for a while…

      Be more physically affectionate (in unexpected ways)
      Those of you in LTRs probably can relate to the struggle—after a long time together and through the busyness of life, hand-holding, kissing, and intimacy becomes restricted to routine. Kisses when you say goodbye, hand holding occasionally, and sex is restricted to post-bedtime (and maybe even only specific nights of the week). Bring out the innocent days of your relationship’s youth and make out like a teenager during a random time in the day, hold hands or snuggle when you watch TV on the couch, and give your partner random hugs throughout the day. Physical intimacy immediately corresponds to emotional intimacy, so making the physical a priority (and switching up the routine) will make you feel emotionally closer.

      Change your argument language
      The way you speak has a huge impact on everything from the closeness in your relationship to the way the two of you communicate. When you’re articulating something you’re mad about, always use “I feel” instead of “You did.” Focus on why you felt hurt, instead of what they did to make you feel that way. Say, “I feel like you don’t appreciate all that I do because I worked hard on a dinner that you came home late for,” instead of “You messed up because you’re late.”
      Say “I understand” when making a point, and acknowledge their defense instead of ignoring it or feeling put off (i.e.”I understand you’re under a lot of stress at work, and I’m proud of you for all the extra effort you put in. But sometimes, it makes me feel like I’m on the back burner”). Always remember that the fight should be the two of you against the problem, not the two of you against each other. The goal should be how to avoid the problem in the future, not who was right about the problem in the past.

      Show love with your partner’s love language
      By now, I’m sure you’ve realized that your partner doesn’t exactly feel love the way you show it and might not give love the way you feel it. We call this “love language,” and it is arguably the single most important quality in happy relationships. If you haven’t yet, take the quiz with your significant other to find out if your love languages are acts of service, words of affirmation, quality time, gifts, or physical touch. Then, identify the ways in which you can act in your partner’s love language on a regular basis, and live more consciously with their love language in mind.

      If you live together…

      Have tech-free time together
      Even if you and your partner are spending plenty of time together, you might be surprised to find how little of it you actually spend truly focused on each other. The prime culprit for these distractions? Our phones. In fact, most of us check our phones 96 times a day, leaving little time to give our loved ones our undivided attention.
      Make an agreement with your partner to put your phones away for at least some of the time that you spend together. Without the distraction of group messages or the temptation to scroll through social media, you will have more time to truly listen to and engage with each other.

      Make sex a priority
      Although you and your partner might have been tearing each other’s clothes off when you first got together, sex tends to become less of a priority as your relationship lengthens—especially when you live together. For many of us, the realities of life get in the way of having the kind of long and loud sex sessions that are the mainstay of many early relationships. But sex can be one of the most important and intimate parts of a relationship and should be treated as such.

      Plan a trip
      If you can make it work in the new year, scheduling a trip could be a game-changer for your relationship. Getting out of your day-to-day routine and spending an extended amount of quality time will make you feel more connected than ever. If an overnight trip isn’t an option for budget, time, or otherwise, try a day trip to a nearby beach, theme park, or landmark. The idea is to spend time together that doesn’t consist of unloading the dishwasher, making a grocery list, or sitting on the couch.

      If you’re engaged…

      Acknowledge the things you appreciate about each other
      Especially when you’re overwhelmed with wedding planning, it can be easy to take your partner for granted. But research from the Gottman Institute and Love Lab at the University of Washington found that one of the best markers of a long-lasting relationship is how often one partner acknowledges when the other does something positive, according to The Atlantic. This theory of the “culture of appreciation” suggests that if you regularly express gratitude, affection, and respect for your partner, you create a positive perspective within your relationship that prevents feelings of contempt from arising later on. It suggests that the perfect formula for a healthy relationship relies on couples having five positive interactions for every negative interaction.
      Although you don’t need to be keeping score, try to be mindful of the kinds of comments that you and your partner exchange. Are they negative as much or more often as they are positive? And how often do you praise or express your appreciation for your partner? Trying to reframe these interactions will help to ensure that you both feel loved and respected and strengthen your relationship.

      Talk about the future
      It’s important to know that you and your partner are heading in the right direction, and talking about the future can be a good way to do this. Where do you see yourself in 10 years’ time? How would you like your relationship to develop now and once you’re married? What exciting plans can you make over the next year? Talking about the future not only ensures that you want the same things, a crucial factor in the success of any relationship, but can also ignite your excitement about what lies ahead for you both.

      Plan more dates
      If this one seems like it’s too hard of a goal to set with your busy schedules and with the craziness of wedding planning, you probably just need to reevaluate your definition of “date.” A date should be any time the two of you get quality time alone, whether it’s dinner and a movie or a walk to your local coffee shop in the morning. For the record, it does not mean watching TV before falling asleep or eating dinner while you’re on your phones. Schedule a date and take it seriously—even if you’re tired or short on money, commit to making quality time a priority. This could mean sitting down to a homemade dinner or going on a picnic in the park. Aim for a specific number (once every week or two), and schedule it into your calendars so it can’t be pushed back or forgotten.

      If you’re married…

      Consider therapy
      Even if you don’t have any serious “problems,” an outside, unbiased professional can help you better communicate with each other. This not only avoids more serious problems in the future but will make your communication GREAT instead of just “fine.” However, if you have been struggling with some long-term fights or bigger problems that you’re having trouble solving on your own, a relationship psychologist is the perfect resource to help you work through issues and get your relationship back to a more loving, trusting, or happy place.

      Say “I love you” more
      When do you say “I love you” in your relationships? When you’re hanging up the phone? When you’re going to bed? It’s the same as physical touch—when it becomes routine, it loses some of its special meaning. You could never say “I love you” too much, but it is possible to not say it enough. Make sure to voice it at unexpected times like after they make you dinner, while giving them a hug, or just sending a random text in the day at when they’re at work. Say “I love you” more than you talk about household chores, to-do lists, or fights.

      Forgive and forget
      Anyone in a relationship has been through the cycle—one person does something that bothers the other, there’s a miscommunication, the fight escalates, someone apologizes, and the fight (hopefully) ends. We all also know the feeling of forgiving because you just want the fight to be over or because you don’t know what else to do, but not totally getting over it. We see this in the next fight, when we can’t help but resort to bringing up our partner’s mistakes that caused the last incident. If you’re forgiving your partner, that means you should “forget” it. It means that you’ve worked through it, you’ve seen their perspective, and feel they have seen yours. Your relationship will be better because you understand each other better, so don’t forgive until you feel that way, and don’t bring up past fights or mistakes in new arguments—if you’ve actually forgiven, that means the past issues are understood miscommunications, not problems that need more working through.

      10 Ways to Maintain The Spark in a Relationship More

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      6 Holistic Experts Share Their Most Powerful Tip To Boost Libido

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      So you’ve lost that lovin’ feeling (cue Tom Cruise, AKA “Maverick,” singing in Top Gun). That’s OK—being in a sexual rut is totally normal (and you’re not a failure for experiencing it). Not convinced? According to a survey conducted by Headspace and Peanut, 75% of women have experienced low sex drive. What’s more, another study found that only 10% of women easily reach the “Big O” on a regular basis. But let’s be real: Being in good company doesn’t help the situation when all you want is to get in the mood and get down to (horizontal) business. The good news is there are simple and natural ways to help kick your sex drive in high gear. I sought the advice of a range of holistic experts—from a doctor of Chinese medicine to a certified sexological bodyworker—on how to have better orgasms and libido. Ahead, they share their most powerful, orgasm-guaranteed tips for improving libido. Goodbye, dry spell. Hello, mojo.  

      1. Dr. Taz Bhatia, M.D.

      Meet the expert
      Dr. Taz Bhatia, M.D.
      Integrative Health Expert, Founder of CentreSpringMD, PBS Host, and TEDX Speaker
      Dr. Taz is a board-certified integrative and holistic medicine physician who gained national recognition as a best-selling author of the books, “What Doctors Eat” and “Super Woman RX.” She also has her own PBS special, “Super Woman RX with Dr. Taz.”

      “While there may not be scientific evidence on their effect, certain foods are known to get a rise out of your libido. And who doesn’t need an excuse to indulge in a little chocolate? Chocolates, oysters, figs and hot peppers are said to have aphrodisiacal powers. While tomatoes and broccoli aren’t the sexiest foods in the fridge, they are known to excite your libido as well. You can also try pomegranate juice; its deep sultry color is stimulating and can give you a boost in the bedroom. But be sure to toss out the baked goods and the cheese plate, as refined carbs like white bread are libido killers.”

      2. Kiana Reeves

      Meet the expert
      Kiana Reeves
      Sex Educator, Sexological Bodyworker, Pelvic Care Practitioner, and Certified Doula
      Kiana Reeves has been practicing in the field of sexual wellness and female reproductive health for over 10 years. Her career began in birth work as a full spectrum doula, working with mothers and families during birth, postpartum, abortion, and miscarriage. Her background in pleasure, intimacy, and sexuality is informed by her work as a certified somatic sex educator.

      “Get clear on what you want your sex life to look like and become dedicated to it. We’re creatures of habit and sometimes our habits don’t support the type of passion and sexual connection we actually want. Ask yourself (and your partner if you have one) how many times a week you want to spend connecting sexually and then put it on the calendar. This will prepare you mentally to set that time aside, and then commit to using all of your tools to awaken and stir your own desire. This can look like sensually massaging each other, dancing together, taking a bath with aphrodisiac herbs before you connect, and using all-natural supportive sexual wellness products to help activate the process of arousal and pleasure so that when you do engage sexually, you really are able to feel the pleasure you desire.”

      3. Sarah Donner

      Meet the expert
      Sarah Donner
      Integrative Hypnotherapist, Holistic Health Coach, and Founder of Siva Wellness
      Sarah Donner is the founder of Siva Wellness, a brand that focuses on improving mental health through integrative hypnotherapy and holistic health coaching. Donner is a certified expert in Reiki, holistic health coaching, and hypnotherapy.

      “Balancing your hormones is key to better libido and life in general. Getting a full hormone panel done and making educated decisions from there is an amazing start. Building a relationship with your body and observing how you feel during the different stages of your cycle, after a stressful month at work or when you are on vacation, can give you a lot of clues already. The key here is to listen and take notes. There are great natural remedies, like ashwagandha, seed cycling, reducing caffeine consumption, and decreasing stress, that help balance your hormones.”

      4. Dr. Janine Mahon 

      Meet the expert
      Dr. Janine Mahon
      Doctor of Chinese Medicine
      A visionary in women’s self-care, Dr. Janine Mahon is a nationally board-certified acupuncturist and herbalist (NCCAOM) and a licensed doctor of Chinese medicine. Dr. Mahon is the founder and creator her own line of restorative oils and elixirs formulated to help support a deeply-connected, intimate sense of wellbeing.

      “What we choose to think about greatly impacts our health (yes, it is easier said than done!). There are always things to worry about and we don’t want to deny those emotions. Taking a brief moment throughout the day and choosing to notice beauty in whatever form inspires you is key in transforming that energy to awaken your libido. Our Qi (life force energy) needs to be abundant and flowing smoothly for us to experience good health. When a person lives under constant stress and pressure from the feelings of worry, anger, and fear, our Qi starts to be consumed, which in turn depletes our sexual energy and libido. When this energy is drained, we do not have enough to feed our spirits and create joy.”

      5. Steph Morris

      Meet the expert
      Steph Morris
      Love, Sex & Relationship Coach and Breathwork Facilitator
      Steph Morris is a sex and relationship coach who works with women to experience the magic within their bodies and own who they are so that they can live a turned-on and turned-up life. She guides women to balance their masculine and feminine energies and unlock their sexual power so that they can feel more pleasure, have better orgasms, and create the intimate and loving relationship of their dreams.

      “By slowing down and bringing in different textures, flavors, smells, temperatures, speeds, and music, you allow yourself to get the mood warmed up, and your body slowly starts to open up. Engaging your senses and savoring in the experience gets you into your body and turned on before you’ve even moved into any sexual activity. This is essential for women as the average time it takes for a woman to warm up and get turned on is between 20 and 40 minutes. Your body has to be a full ‘yes’ before you move into any sexual stimulation, a very important factor in determining whether an orgasm occurs. Light a candle, play some sensual music, and get some essential oils and toys to weave in your senses and warm you up before getting sexual.”

      6. Lisa Bermudez

      Meet the expert
      Lisa Bermudez
      Yoga Teacher and Ayurveda Expert
      Lisa Bermudez is an Ayurvedic coach, yoga teacher, educator, writer, and skydiver. She has completed dozens of certifications across a wide scope of practices in yoga, meditation, Ayurveda, and Reiki. Her credentials in Ayurveda include a 100 hour training from the Sister Science along with several other Ayurvedic coaching certifications.

      “If you’re operating from a place of love at all times, you’ll already be tapped into your self-care and you’ll also understand how important loving communication is.  The way you talk to yourself and to the people in your life directly reflects your quality of life.  When you’re loving and feeling loved, you’ll be more aligned with what you need to have a healthy libido and better orgasms.”

      What “Libido” Really Is
      and How You Can Tap Into Yours More

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      7 All-Natural Ways to Up Your Libido That You Haven’t Tried Yet

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      Let’s face it: We can’t expect to always have a sex drive in high gear, and it takes more than just cueing Marvin Gaye’s “Let’s Get It On” to rev it up. First things first, it’s normal and common to experience ebbs and flows in your libido. But we all deserve to reap the benefits of sexual pleasure—I’m talking less anxiety, better sleep, relief from headaches, and more. So while you can’t change your libido with the snap of a finger, there are natural remedies that can help take your sexual desire from womp womp to bow-chicka-wow-wow. Read on for seven ways to get you in the mood. The best part? There’s nothing fake about them, including the “Big O” they’ll likely lead to. 

      Add an adaptogen supplement to your routine 
      There may be no such thing as a love potion, but combine the stress-reducing and energy-boosting effects of adaptogens and you’ve got the next best thing. These plants and mushrooms can help regulate your body to return to balance, so if anxiety is getting the better of you, they step in to aid in reducing your cortisol levels. But their transformative benefits don’t stop there—the effects of adaptogens can spice things up in the bedroom. Enter: Moon Juice’s Sex Dust. Packed with a stimulating blend of adaptogens and herbs that target stress to support healthy hormonal balance, libido, and creative energy, knocking boots just got way more exciting.
      Add the natural libido supplement to your coffee, tea, or smoothie, or pair it with your favorite chocolate. With ingredients that are traceable, potently-dosed, and easily absorbed, you can rest assured that your sexual health is getting the right kind of TLC. Use code EVERYGIRL10 to get 10% off one order, and get ready to ignite your sexual spark. 

      Moon Juice
      Sex Dust
      With a combination of Shatavari, Shilajit, Epimedium, Schisandra, Cacao, and Maca, this stimulating blend of adaptogens and herbs targets stress to support healthy hormonal balance, libido, and creative energy.
      Use code EVERYGIRL10 for 10% off of your first order from Moon Juice!

      Source: @moonjuice

      Reach for aphrodisiac foods
      We’ve all heard that aphrodisiacs are said to arouse sexual desire and pleasure. But are chocolate, oysters, and strawberries really that powerful? While there’s little scientific evidence that the rumored sexy stimulants are the real deal, there are food supplements that have been proven to help you get back in the saddle: maca, ginkgo biloba, fenugreek, and pistachio nuts, to name a few. From helping increase blood flow to promoting the production of sex hormones, consider these “aphrodisiacs” your natural libido-boosting friends. But at the end of the day, you can’t go wrong with eating a nutrient-dense, hormone-balancing diet (think: high-quality, pastured meats and eggs, fruits and veggies, and healthy fats like extra virgin olive oil and avocados). 

      Show your pelvic floor some love
      If you’ve ever done a kegel exercise, you’re already ahead of the game (bravo!). The group of muscles that form a bowl-like shape between your sit bones (AKA your pelvic floor) is responsible for giving you the best “O” you’ve ever had and preventing you from peeing in your pants in bumper-to-bumper traffic. In other words, you have your pelvic floor to thank for enjoying sex and controlling your bladder and bowel movements. One red flag that your pelvic floor could use a tune-up? You guessed it, a low libido. The good news? You can improve your pelvic floor health and, in turn, your sex drive by seeking pelvic floor therapy, practicing yoga, foam rolling, and performing exercises that strengthen and target the muscle group. 

      Source: @buffy

      Get plenty of sleep
      PSA: Getting enough rest affects way more than just your beauty. Case in point: Studies show that sleep deprivation is linked to reduced sexual desire and arousal in women. When you snooze, your body restores energy and regulates hormone levels and the muscles and cells in your body repair and grow, so getting adequate sleep can make or break your sex life. Bottom line: Consistent quality sleep equals a healthy sex drive. As if you needed more reason to prioritize your Zzzs, for every additional hour of shuteye you get, your libido increases by 14%. So establish a wind-down routine (yoga stretches, anyone?), say no to caffeine after lunch, fit in movement in your day, and keep your sleeping environment at a cool to 65°F to 72°F to recharge your body and mind. The result? A heightened libido. 

      Consider a natural alternative to hormonal birth control
      Chances are you’ve been on or are currently on a type of hormonal contraceptive. And it’s no secret that hormonal birth control methods have unwelcome physical and sexual side effects, including a diminished libido. I hate to be the bearer of more bad news: A study concluded that women using a hormonal contraceptive approach experienced less frequent sexual activity, arousal, pleasure, and orgasm.
      So what’s a girl to do? Fortunately, there are natural alternatives to hormonal contraceptives. From good ol’ condoms and the “pull-out” tactic to silicone diaphragms and cervical caps, there’s no shortage of hormone-free birth control options available. Since narrowing down the best non-hormonal birth control for you should take into account the risks and benefits of each type as well as your lifestyle and personal needs, have a chat with your OBGYN and don’t be afraid to ask any questions you may have, no matter how embarrassing they may seem (there are no stupid questions after all). 

      Source: @bykwest

      Give your self-confidence a boost
      When you look at yourself in the mirror, what do you see and say to yourself? If it’s not your attributes and uplifting self-talk, we’ve got work to do (myself included). Because how we feel about ourselves and our bodies affects what goes (or doesn’t go) down between the sheets. It goes without saying that if you focus on your perceived flaws (“I wish I could get rid of the cellulite on my thighs” or “I’m not talented enough to get my dream job”), you’re not going to want to get it on. Instead, try shifting your mindset and bringing attention to your strengths, practicing words of affirmation, or hitting your favorite workout class to release those feel-good endorphins. While you’re at it, get in tune with your body, discover what arouses you, and take note of your major turn-ons (journaling always FTW). The main takeaway? Enhance your self-esteem and your sex life will thank you. 

      Communicate with your partner and/or a trusted practitioner 
      Let’s be real: Talking to your partner or your doctor about your low sex drive is anything but sexy and can be awkward AF. But what if I told you that talking about your sex life reinforces not only your relationship, but also your sexual satisfaction? And when you have a stronger emotional connection with your S.O., the chances of having mind-blowing sex gets a whole lot higher.
      Now that I have your attention, when the time is right (read: when you’re both calm and relaxed), bite the bullet and kick off the conversation with something like, “This is really uncomfortable for me, but can we find a time for me to share something about our sex life with you?” If that feels totally out of reach, use a movie, TV show, or article you can relate to as a conversation starter. Once you’ve got your heart-to-heart going, be open and honest about how you’re feeling and what you want and need. Try not to leave out the details to help your partner understand what you’re experiencing while not placing any blame on them. Remember that your sex issues won’t get solved overnight, so maintaining an open and ongoing dialogue is key.
      Say you’ve given communication with your partner and the aforementioned remedies the old college try and your libido hasn’t budged, don’t brush it aside. Seek a trusted professional, whether an OBGYN or therapist, to get to the bottom of it. Whatever the cause, having a healthy libido and fulfilling sex life is your right. 

      7 Habits of Women Who Always Have a Healthy Libido

      This post contains a sponsored inclusion of Moon Juice, but all of the opinions within are those of The Everygirl editorial board. More

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      Is Sex the New “It” Workout? Here’s What Experts Have to Say

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      Your heart is racing, you’re breathing hard, your quads are burning, and you can’t deny that familiar rush of endorphins. Steamy session between the sheets or killer sweat sesh at the gym? Let’s be real, how many times after you’ve worked for that big “O” has the thought, “That’s got to have burned at least 100 calories!” crossed your mind? If you’re wondering if you can kill two birds with one stone (sexercise is a thing, right?), you’re not alone. A recent survey from sexual wellness brand Lovehoney revealed that as many as 71% of Americans are classing their bedroom antics as a workout, and one in 10 are even going to the extent of tracking how many calories they burn.
      So can a big “O” really replace our gym membership? I tapped into the expertise of sex educators and coaches to get the lowdown. Ahead, the perks of getting horizontal, whether or not sex counts as exercise, and the best positions to get the most bang (see what I did there?) for your buck. 

      What are the health benefits of having sex?
      As if you needed more reason to beeline to the bedroom, having sex is an all-around winner for your well-being. Pippa Murphy, a sex and relationship expert at condoms.uk, revealed all: “A healthy sex life is a key component of a happy and healthy life,” she explained. “Sex releases endorphins, which are feel-good hormones that help us relax and unwind. It also burns calories and improves circulation, which can help prevent heart disease.” 
      But it doesn’t stop there. There’s no mistaking your increased heart rate and blood pressure during sexual activity. It turns out, it’s working for us in more ways than one. “Sex requires more oxygen than other forms of exercise, meaning you’re breathing harder for longer,” Murphy stated. “And because your heart rate increases during sex, it’s good for your cardiovascular system—keeping your heart strong and improving blood flow throughout your body.” And yes, that includes solo sex. Still not convinced? Having sex can also reduce stress and anxiety, boost immunity, and help you get better Zzzs. Samantha Jones was onto something…

      So does sex count as exercise?
      If you had the choice between running on the treadmill and getting it on, my guess would be you’d choose the latter (same). Well, I’ve got good and bad news for you: A 2013 study found that getting sexy had less caloric expenditure than jogging, but more than walking. In other words, you are likely getting mild-moderate exercise. So does it count as a full workout? After polling the experts, the answer is basically yes and no.
      “It depends on what benefits you’re looking for,” explained Dr. Catherine Dukes, a sex therapist and educator at The Center for Connection & Desire LLC. “If you are looking to build muscle or improve cardiovascular ability, then sex isn’t enough to replace a workout. But if you’re looking to make sure you’re physically active each day and take care of your body in ways that keep you active, connected, reduce overall stress in your life, help you stop and be mindful, then YES, sex can absolutely be the best workout.” Certified sex educator, Senna Miller, agreed that it’s not enough to replace your gym time. “You may get hot and sweaty, but sex doesn’t replace a solid workout,” she said. “It’s still good for you. Just…not as a full workout.” 
      Bottom line: Sex shouldn’t be your primary form of exercise, but if you’re looking for an excuse to have more sex, by all means. After all, “exercise” doesn’t have to mean a 60-minute class or sweat session at the gym; our bodies are just meant to live less sedentarily. If you mix it in with regular walking, working your muscles, and stretching, sex can absolutely be a beneficial part of an active lifestyle; it just shouldn’t be your only form of activity. 

      What sex positions are most like a workout?
      Let’s be clear: The most important reason to have sex is for your own pleasure. Period. But the fact that sex can make you feel good and give you health benefits should just give you more reason to get in the bedroom. So let’s get physical: What sex positions have been found to be the most physically demanding? According to Lovehoney, Doggy Style, Reverse Cowgirl, or Standing Up are some positions that could make you feel pleasure while boosting the fitness benefits. 
      To try these pleasure-inducing and health-boosting positions at home, certified sex educator Javay Frye-Nekrasova (MEd) recommends some prep work to maximize the benefits (and pleasure), like stretching out wrists for Doggy Style or adding leg workouts into your regimen to work up more strength and endurance for Reverse Cowgirl. To try standing up, add a pillow for comfort against a wall or use a table or chair for support. “For a more physical challenge, try a standing position where one person has their legs wrapped around the person standing,” Miller suggested. “It may cause some laughs, but it will also add some physical work to the session.”
       

      PSA: Tapping Into Your Cycle Can Help You Have Better Sex More