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      Being Pregnant During COVID-19: How I’m Staying Safe and Sane

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      I had big plans the last seven weeks of my second pregnancy—a huge birthday bash for my 2-year-old, a fancy Easter brunch for our little family of three, even a Pinterest-worthy list of activities to do with my firstborn before he became a big brother.Then the COVID-19 pandemic hit.
      At first, I wasn’t concerned. It felt like something happening far away, a global event that wouldn’t necessarily affect us in our little enclave in Northeast Florida.
      But that changed quickly. COVID-19 has become something that we’ve all had to face head-on, whether it be dealing with the stress of social distancing, having major events like weddings or birthday celebrations canceled, or worrying about an immunocompromised friend or relative. But being pregnant adds a whole new level of uncertainty.
      Here’s what I’m doing to stay safe and sane as a pregnant woman during the coronavirus outbreak.

      Taking Social Distancing Seriously
      While I love spending one-on-one time with my son, a big part of what keeps me sane as a work-from-home mom is largely dependent on my mom tribe. They’ve been there for me through bad days, stressful work situations, even silly fights with my husband. They’re my sounding board when I worry whether my son is hitting milestones as he should or if I need to take him to the pediatrician (again) for that rash.
      But when officials started encouraging social distancing, I knew I had to take it seriously. The research on how COVID-19 could affect pregnant women is slim, and the CDC says they still don’t know if it can be passed from an infected mother to her newborn. With that said, I knew staying away was what was best for me and my baby.
      Not being able to see my best friends every day has been rough. Postponing my son’s second birthday party was also heart-wrenching. Plus, entertaining my son on my own all day is hard. But I know it’s the right thing to do, not just for my specific situation but for the population as a whole.

      Source: @jyll_mackie via #sharetheeverymom

      Staying Informed—To a Point
      I’m a journalist, and it’s long been a habit to watch the news and stay informed. But the daily updates on COVID-19 are on a whole new level—towns on lockdown, restaurants, and bars closed across entire cities, even beloved celebrities testing positive. To be honest, it sometimes feels like we’re living in a George Orwell novel.
      With the news moving at such a breakneck pace, you could spend most of the day watching the coverage. But I’ve decided to only watch the news in the morning, during naptime, and at night. Any more than that and my anxiety starts to spike. Any less and I feel like I’m ill-informed.
      I’ve also stopped watching in front of my 2-year-old. While I’m not sure he really grasps what’s going on, I don’t want to inundate him with potentially frightening images or adult themes.

      Finding Stress Relief
      As someone nearing the end of her pregnancy, I realize that now more than ever it’s important for me to stay calm. Maternal stress has long been linked to preterm labor,  and the last thing I want to do (especially in the middle of a global epidemic) is to deliver early.
      So, I’ve decided to do everything I can to stay calm. I’ve completely finished the baby’s room, down to washing, folding, and putting away all the tiny clothes and hanging the art. I’ve cleaned out all our drawers and kitchen cabinets, put up new curtains, cleaned and organized long-neglected areas, and wrapped and assembled all my son’s birthday gifts. I’ve also made it a point to support several local small businesses (online, of course), while also squeezing in some time for binge-watching Netflix and reading two books I started ages ago.
      While your version of stress relief may look different than mine, I’ve found that checking things off my to-do list while stuck at home has gone a long way in reducing my stress level.

      Source: @thebeverlyadams

      Having a Backup Plan
      At my 32-week appointment, I asked my doctor about COVID-19 and how it might affect my delivery. She said to prepare myself to not have any visitors in the hospital apart from my husband. Immediately, the sweet visions I had in my head of my son meeting his little brother for the first time in a sunny hospital room, peering into the tiny bassinet at his tiny new brother tightly swaddled in a pink and blue striped blanket, went up in smoke. I wouldn’t get that.
      What she said shocked me then, but restrictions on visitors have become commonplace in recent weeks. I’ve decided to accept that I probably won’t get the birth I envisioned. And that’s OK. But I’ve also started preparing for less optimal situations.
      For example, what if there are too many cases of COVID-19 at our hospital and they can’t accommodate us? Our hospital recently had its first case, and I expect there will be more. Right now, I’m keeping an eye on the situation and researching other options, from delivering at other hospitals to a truncated hospital stay post-birth to yep, even home birth. And I’m not the only mom considering this option. Of course, talking to your own doctor is always the best course of action—they can provide advice and solutions directly relevant to your specific situation.
      The COVID-19 epidemic has affected us all, not just those of us expecting a baby in the coming months. I know there are people who are dealing with far worse situations than I am—those with immunocompromised children, those who still have to report to work and send their kids to daycare, and of course, those who have already contracted the infection or love someone who has.
      But being pregnant and on the cusp of giving birth right now is also really, really hard. Preparing backup plans and being mindful of my mindset is the best thing I can do for myself, and my family, at this time.

      This article originally ran on The Everymom More

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      What Meditation Means to Black Women

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      The first time I decided to try meditation, I cried. It took all of 10 minutes and a meditation app on my iPhone to make me break down into tears after the calming voice on the app instructed me to open my eyes when I was ready. I wasn’t ready, and I began to cry: not from the sadness it might’ve brought on, but from the emotional and physical release it gave me. Who knew that all it would take was a few minutes of being mindful and present with myself at the beginning of my hectic day to help quiet my thoughts and put me at ease? Once I continued to meditate, I realized how essential it was to me as a Black woman, and how I was never taught about the practice, how to start, or the benefits it provides. Media’s portrayal of meditation doesn’t help paint the best picture of the practice either, as many Women of Color usually don’t have a quiet space in their home or neighborhood with no interruptions where they can go to escape to sit and chant their way to peace. 
      Meditation is a great practice that many Black women are starting to adopt to decrease stress and increase mindfulness, especially during these times where Black women specifically are plagued with so much mentally and emotionally. As a Black woman, the weight of the world feels particularly heavy, and any type of relief, from mindful meditation to mental health resources, is necessary to help find inner peace and sometimes, just to keep sane. Even if it’s just for a few minutes out of the day, meditation helps Black women in more ways than one. 

      Meditation helps us to be more mindful of our bodies
      Women, specifically Women of Color, tend to ignore the signs their bodies are giving them due to the busyness of work, taking care of children as well as significant others, and the demands of everyday life. According to a post written in 2017 by Dr. Alexander Hantel, M.D., women tend to ignore troubling symptoms like fatigue, discomfort in the chest, and weight loss that could potentially lead to long-term health issues. This is coupled with multiple studies showing that doctors often downplay, ignore, or misdiagnose female patients—specifically Black women, who face higher death rates from health-related complications than women of any other race in the United States. 
      Being able to check in with yourself during meditation helps you to connect and tap into how you are feeling emotionally, mentally, and physically, which could help point out any underlying ailments you may be experiencing. Plenty of guided mindfulness meditation apps help you “scan your body” mentally to assess how your body feels. Meditation helps you to not only identify that stiff shoulder from overworking or that migraine you put off from stress, but to not ignore them any longer. Taking the time to focus on you in the moment can bring about an awareness to your body that we as women often ignore for the sake of time and productiveness. 
      Using meditation as a means to connect with yourself physically can ultimately lead to taking action against any ailments you might be experiencing by following up with your health care provider to address these issues, putting yourself and your health first. 

      Meditation helps us reflect and release 
      Meditation not only helps us center ourselves and be present in the moment, but it also helps us to reflect and learn from our past, letting go of things that no longer serve us. This rings especially true for Black women, who face stress from work disparities due to race, economic inequity, and the double burden of gender and racial biases. 
      When I began to use meditation in my daily life, it helped me reflect on a lot of things I didn’t normally give myself space to. Practicing meditation sets a calm stage for your day and can aid in a better night’s sleep, putting away those things you need to release. 
      Whether you are listening to your favorite music and getting a few moments to breathe while getting ready for the day or releasing the day’s tension at night with a few candles and a moment to yourself in the bathroom, taking a step back to reflect and release helps to give your mind a place to sort out the stress of life. 

      Source: cottonbro | Pexels

      Meditation takes our focus off of the world around us—and onto ourselves  
      Black women are fighting many battles at once, and it doesn’t give us much room to pay attention to ourselves. With the current pandemic disproportionately affecting Black communities, as well as the continued racial tension caused by years of systemic racism that Black women have been on the frontlines for, combating and fighting for change, the world is heavy on Black women. 
      We don’t get a lot of time to strictly just focus on ourselves and how our bodies feel, constantly putting ourselves on the backburner in order to be of service and to take care of others first. When’s the last time you’ve truly been selfish? Taking the time out to find a few minutes to take a break and be present in the moment helps you take that focus off of the world around you and onto yourself. That’s the small role meditation can play: it gives you the space you need to re-center and refocus on what’s most important and should come first before anything: you. The world and all of its weight will still be there once you’re done. 

      Meditation helps us to fight another day 
      Meditation, in its own way, is a form of self-care: another way to take time out show yourself love, patience, and grace. Just like we carve out time to go to the nail salon or hairdresser, and exercise or spend time with friends when we can, meditation is another great form of taking care of yourself from the inside out. It also helps you increase your focus for more clarity in order to be able to tackle another day. What other time do you get to replenish yourself before or after the work emails, chasing the kids down, being a supportive partner, taking care of family and friends, all while trying to stay informed and active with what’s going around you? Being able to take a breath through meditation not only gives you time to mentally gear up for the day, but it also re-energizes you so that you can bring your full self to the world —a world that needs you for all that you are, Black woman. 
      As routine as brushing my teeth, meditation has become an essential part of my day, giving me the opportunity to replenish myself when I feel like the world has taken everything I can give. Some days, I meditate to relax, and other days, I meditate to release, but every time, once I hear the sound of the chime and the voice that instructs me to open my eyes when I’m ready, I come back to my surroundings more at ease with myself as a Black woman. 
       
      What does meditation mean to you, and how has it helped you navigate life as a woman of color?  More

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      17 Insanely Easy Habits That Will Change Your Life

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      Who doesn’t love a good makeover movie? Princess Diaries: royally iconic. She’s All That: Freddie Prinze Jr. was our generation’s first love. Clueless: Brittany Murphy looked bangin’ (even though that was way harsh, Tai). But life isn’t a late ’90s rom-com, and it takes more than a pair of contacts and a hair straightener to transform your life. Luckily, we’re out of high school and we’ve got bigger issues than getting the quarterback to ask us to homecoming (he always turned out to be a douche anyway). Instead, we’re focused on how to be our best selves and be happier. That means getting healthier, being kinder to ourselves, and getting sh*t done (because we deserve to have it all). No, a new wardrobe and a popular BFF won’t change your life, but these 17 insanely easy habits just might. 

      1. Make your bed
      At the risk of sounding like your mom, please make your bed. Not only will it feel good to get into a made bed at night, but it’s important for the success of your day. Making your bed first thing every morning means one small win before you even have a cup of coffee, which subconsciously will motivate you to achieve thousands of small wins throughout the day (and you know what they say about small wins: they lead up to really big ones). Plus, Gretchen Rubin found in her research that it’s the easiest and most common daily habit you can do to boost happiness.

      2. Organize to-do lists based on life goals
      Making a to-do list is no revolutionary hack, but how are you setting priorities when you review what has to get done every day? Before making your next to-do list, ask yourself where you want to be in 5-10 years. Everything on your to-do list should be taking a step towards achieving these goals. For example, strategize business growth, spend 30 minutes taking an online class, or work out if your goal is to be more active. In other words, to-do lists of even the simplest tasks should have a long-term perspective.
      Making your to-do list with goals in mind will show you where you should be spending time and where you can be spending less time. Of course, you’ll always have to do the mundane house chores or tedious tasks, but figure out where you can outsource these items, and prioritize what will get you closer to your goals first thing so you make sure to get it done (yes, that means a workout or the brainstorm meeting you’ve been putting off). 

      Source: Ambitious Kitchen

      3. Eat more leafy greens
      Getting healthier is not always a dramatic transformation. In fact, it’s typically a series of small habits and minor additions to your diet that snowball into a healthier lifestyle that’s all-around better for you. Don’t focus on cutting out food groups or limiting what you can and cannot eat (that can lead to bingeing or an unhealthy relationship with food). Instead, focus on adding leafy greens to at least two meals a day. Add spinach to an omelet, throw kale in a pasta sauce, and order a side salad when you’re eating out. 

      4. Give yourself deadlines
      You know from college all-nighters and projects at work that if there’s a deadline you have to meet, you find a way to get it done. What makes an assignment our bosses give us or a paper for “Shakespeare 101” different from a personal goal is that we don’t usually have a deadline to motivate us to accomplish it by a certain time. No matter how small or specific (like replacing your old couch, making friends with a coworker, establishing an emergency fund, or running three miles), give yourself a specific and realistic deadline. 
      If you’re still having trouble sticking to goals because you know your deadlines are “flexible” when you’re the one setting them, sign up for a marathon, announce the launch of your side project or business with a release date, or let a friend or family member know your deadline so they hold you accountable.

      Source: @charmedbycamille

      5. Instead of taking a social media break, get up and move
      You know it, you love it, you depend on it: the momentary pause from uninterrupted work to take a quick scroll through social media. At this point, opening Instagram might feel like second nature when you just finished one task and need a refresh before moving on to the next. But instead of scrolling through Instagram, checking Snapchat, or refreshing TikTok, get up and move your body to refresh yourself in between work tasks. A few jumping jacks, a mini dance party, a yoga flow, or just some stretches are enough to energize your body, reset your mind, and will help you focus better for the rest of the day. 

      6. Read more
      I’m the queen of excuses when it comes to reading more often. “I’m too tired,” “I don’t have any new books,” and “How am I expected to do anything else in my free time when all six seasons of Sex and the City are on Hulu!?” are excuses I use on a regular basis. But reading is not only enjoyable; it’s good for you. Whether it’s winding down before bed, taking a break in the afternoon, or as the ritual that you look forward to when starting your day, fit in some more time to read. As for what to read? Start with inspiring books, books to educate yourself, or enjoyable books that should be on your summer reading list. 

      Source: @twentysomethingplus

      7. Say “thank you” instead of “I’m sorry”
      I have a terrible habit of saying “sorry” all the time. I say “sorry” when I need someone to repeat what they said or I bump into a stranger, and I apologize profusely for being late or making a mistake. While “sorry” is just a word, language can affect the way we think and feel about ourselves, and women, in particular, are taught to be polite by putting themselves down. Instead of “sorry,” make a conscious effort to say “thank you” instead.
      “Thank you for being patient!” instead of, “Sorry for being late!” is another way to practice gratitude, but it’s also a consistent way to be kinder to yourself. BTW, saying sorry in relationships is crucial when you made a mistake or hurt the other person’s feelings, but showing gratitude be even more important.

      8. Tidy up your space before bed
      I know, I know: the last thing you want to do at the end of a long day is clean (the horror!). But dishes in the sink or laundry piled on the chair (we all have that one chair), can prevent us from feeling fully relaxed while going to bed at night or might make us more stressed starting the next day. Clutter in your space can translate into clutter in your mind, so dedicate five extra minutes before bed to run the dishwasher, wipe off kitchen counters, and declutter any papers or laundry that has piled up in the bedroom. A less cluttered bedroom will help you sleep at night, while a clean kitchen will make you happier the next morning. 

      Source: @homeyohmy

      9. Sit up straight
      Bad news for all the other slouchers out there: your posture might be affecting your physical and mental health. Practice better posture for overall health by straightening your back and relaxing your shoulders (and stop looking down at your phone while you’re at it!). Did you sit up taller just now? Good. 
      Start consistently working on improving posture throughout your workday (yes, even while working from home). If you want to be as extra as I am, you can also try setting reminders through phone alerts or sticky notes around your apartment, or you can set a note as your phone wallpaper to remind you to correct your posture whenever you check the time or read a text message.

      10. Take the stairs or walk extra steps
      Taking the stairs instead of the escalator or parking a bit further away from the grocery store will add up. If your schedule is so packed that fitting in a workout is causing you more stress, it might be hurting your health instead of improving it. It’s time we stop thinking of “exercise” as an hour-long HIIT class and make it about living more actively by moving whenever we can. As a rule of thumb, moving more often than you sit will make a big difference in your overall health and wellbeing.

      Source: @chrissyford

      11. Say “no” when you mean no
      How often do you avoid saying “no” when you want to? Do you find yourself doing favors for others when you’re already stretched too thin? Do you pick up work for coworkers when you’re too busy, say yes to plans you’re not excited about, or hang out with friends to avoid FOMO (even though you want a chill night in)? One of the most powerful things you can do for yourself is to say what you mean and be true to what you need. Master the art of saying “no.” Say, “I’d love to help you, but I can’t give the time and effort to this task that it deserves,” and “I need a night by myself tonight, but let’s get coffee this weekend,” whenever you feel the need to please. 

      12. Manage your money based on what brings you joy
      Listen, I’m the last person who should be giving financial advice. As a writer and a self-proclaimed “creative,” I never even thought about taking a business course in college, and the extent of my money knowledge upon graduation was how to budget for Starbucks. But one piece of financial advice really clicked for me: money is your life’s energy force. I started understanding money in a different way when I realized money was just an exchange of value for the effort and energy we’re giving about 40 hours every single week.
      Be thoughtful about how you want to spend your life’s energy; does it really bring you joy to go to drinks with that friend you don’t have fun with or to buy the top you’ll never end up wearing? Managing your money based on what does and doesn’t bring you joy will reduce stress that comes with spending money on the vacations, items, and experiences that you truly love. Also, invest in yourself: get the gym membership, purchase that online course, and open a savings account. The more money you put into something, the more likely you are to keep it up as a habit. 

      Source: @thelittletembo

      13. Mute (or unfollow) most social media accounts
      You may be the sum of the five people you spend your time with, but you’re also the sum of the five people you consume on Instagram. Unfollow or mute all the accounts that do not make you feel inspired, happy, or confident, and then crowd out the accounts that aren’t serving you with accounts that inspire you. Follow other women whose careers you admire, and find accounts that will bring you positivity whenever you are tempted to scroll (like, I don’t know, @theeverygirl, for a totally random example).  
      Also, rethink whether the bloggers, celebs, and brands you follow are providing you with inspiring content, or if their posts just make you feel bad about where you are in life. Likewise, it’s time to mute or unfollow that frenemy you had in high school or your sorority sister’s ex-boyfriend’s cousin that you met a few times. Instead of watching other people’s lives, go live your own. 

      14. Get more sleep
      Easier said than done, right? But don’t worry: even though it might feel like getting more sleep is impossible, it’s a habit just like anything else. Detox your sleep routine, try some of our favorite products, or stop looking at your damn phone to fit in a little more (quality) beauty sleep. You can also try getting to bed just five minutes earlier than the night before until you wake up feeling refreshed and energized instead of zombie-like. Also, let’s all stop hitting the snooze button, OK? It’s only confusing the body, and if you’re going to sleep early enough (curse you, Netflix!), you should be waking up naturally and easily. 

      Source: @missenocha

      15. Donate $5 to a new organization or charity every month
      It may sound counterintuitive to spend money more often if you’re like me and your bank account is a constant source of stress. However, feeling a lack of something (whether it’s time, love, or money) is all mental, no matter what. It’s a cliché glass-half-empty situation; realizing you have enough water (or money) to give some away will show you the glass is half-full instead. 
      But more important than even our own finances is what we can do to help other people. Compassion, support, and empathy should be a part of our routines, just like brushing our teeth or doing a load of laundry. Take the time to educate yourself on organizations and charities that need your help, and then donate what you can regularly (FYI, even the price of one latte can make a difference). 

      16. Set your alarm a few minutes earlier than you need to
      If your mornings feel more like a race against the clock or an episode of Chopped, consider waking up extra early to have a slow, calm start to your day. You might have limited control over your mornings (like an early work start time or a child to take care of), so waking up just 10-15 minutes earlier than you need to will help you feel more in control and calmer throughout the entire day. Whether you spend your time meditating, indulging in a luxurious skincare routine, or just brewing a cup of coffee with a moment of silence, you will not miss the 10 minutes of extra sleep. 

      Source: Sassy Red Lipstick

      17. Limit your decision making
      We make a lot of decisions every single day, even just within the first few minutes of waking up: whether or not to hit snooze, what to wear (which is approximately 100 different decisions), when to turn on the coffee pot, to be or not to be (that is the question–especially when you didn’t get enough sleep last night). The little decisions add up to be overwhelming. Decision fatigue is a real thing, and it’s why we opt for pizza delivery instead of cooking at the end of a long day or forego the workout altogether if we have to think about which time slot works best.
      To keep up with healthy habits, limit decision making as much as possible and reduce decision fatigue. Meal prep all your lunches, sign up for workout classes in advance (or put a workout in your calendar so you can’t skip it), and try a go-to outfit formula so you don’t have to think about what to wear. The purpose of forming habits is so you don’t have to think about whether or not to wake up earlier, go to bed sooner, or do the dishes after dinner; you do it because there’s no option not to. 

      What habits have changed your life the most? More

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      Women of Color: Let’s Give Ourselves Permission to Do Less

      by

      The most profound thing my therapist ever taught me was not a lesson she taught. It was a question she asked: why do you feel like you have to do it all, right now? She sat across from me in her dimly-lit office, legs crossed at the ankles, calmly sipping tea from her blue patterned mug and asked again, another way: why the urgency? I paused. Took a moment to imagine myself not urgent. She had only known me a few weeks then, but she already knew me as a person who lives in totality, despite the costs of living such a lifestyle. She recognized me as a person who wants to be her whole self. Explore all her passions. Share all her gifts—even at the expense of well-being. It wasn’t until that day that I stopped and asked myself, why the urgency? Why was I pushing myself to achieve more, climb higher, and work harder than anyone ever asked or expected me to?The answer, for me, lies in my identity as a Black woman.
      When I was young, I remember being told that I would always have to work twice as hard for half as much. Being told that education was mandatory, but even that wouldn’t be enough. Being disappointed in myself for getting one B on my report card, one time. Still being told, later, that my success was a gift of my race and not a result of my life’s hard work. Those lines spoken then manifested later in anxiety and imposter syndrome. I developed an intolerance for average. An insistence on exactness. A relentless pursuit for perfection that landed me here, now, watching my therapist sip her tea and marvel at my mayhem. After the session, I did some deep soul-searching and realized my urgency was coming from a sense of perfectionism that wasn’t my own; it was a result of the world as seen and experienced by a Black woman for whom nothing came without a fight. Once I realized that, I also realized I no longer wanted to live that way. I wanted to ditch the urgency and find balance. Shed the burden of fear, inferiority, anxiety; replace it with self-care, self-love, self-worth. But how? If, like me, you are a Black woman or Woman of Color who finds herself overwhelmed, off-balance, and/or consistently doing too much: keep reading as I share my story. For me, finding balance came as a result of some shifts in mindset, attitude, and priorities.

      I began demanding less of myself, and more of other people.
      At some point, I realized that while I was placing exceptionally high expectations on myself, my expectations of others—especially regarding how I allowed them to treat me—were exceedingly low. To flip that around, I began by acknowledging my worth. I was dealing with a wicked case of imposter syndrome, which caused me to credit my every accomplishment to luck, circumstance, or both. When I had writing published, I assumed it was because the publication was desperate. When that published writing was later awarded, I assumed someone only did it as a favor to me. When I was accepted to a Ph.D. program, I figured it was because of who I knew; not my own merit. The list goes on and on. Shifting this mindset caused me to consider each of my accomplishments individually. To celebrate those accomplishments. And then, to let myself off the hook of my own high expectations. 
      After acknowledging my worth, the next step was demanding that others did the same. I began to take notice of the people who were always quick to put me down. Those who tended to ask clarifying questions about how I accomplished what I accomplished, instead of first celebrating my accomplishment. These were the same people who would joke about earning something without even trying, knowing that I actually worked hard and tried (unsuccessfully) to earn that same thing. I started speaking up for myself when these things happened. I started demanding respect. And if/when these people still refused to acknowledge my worth, I walked away.

      I confronted the problematic nature of my role at work.
      If like me, you’ve been the first “diverse” hire at an organization, you’re probably already aware that there’s a lot of pressure. And this pressure is emphasized when people of color are hired into leadership positions, especially by organizations specifically looking to make a diversity hire and/or show their “commitment” to diversity, equity, and inclusion. As described in Nonprofit Quarterly, when white leaders are hired into an organization, they are encouraged to “fail forward,” using failure as a tool to learn and grow. However, this isn’t the case for Black leaders. When we fail, we’re only proving to those who hired us that we were not a good “fit” for the organization. We’re also giving them the excuse to say, “well, we tried to hire a diverse leader, but it didn’t work.” The pressure that Black workers and leaders endure from their staff, boards, etc. to “get it right” comes from the knowledge that a steep learning curve or even a minor mistake could cost not only you your job, but could also mean that other Black people won’t be considered for that job (or similar jobs) in the future. 
      For me, the first step in combating this issue was recognizing that it existed in the first place. And by existed, I mean this wasn’t just me overreacting or making something out of nothing. This was a systemic issue rooted in bias and prejudice. After I educated myself, I helped to educate others. From there, I began to point out microaggressions in the workplace, and advocate for myself when I wasn’t given the same grace as others. I knew this would be scary—and risky—but without speaking up for myself in this way, I feared I would never have the positive workplace experience I deserved. 

      I ditched the perfectionism for self-care.
      In the workplace, Black people and people of color often feel pressure to be perfect. I used to believe that even asking for help would be proof to everyone that I did not belong. Whenever I felt the urge to express vulnerability, I forced myself to maintain a cool demeanor (ironically, the same cool demeanor that often made my coworkers and employers refer to me as “unlikeable”). Little did I know, the ridiculously high standards I was placing on myself were a result of a harmful white supremacy culture that I had fallen victim to. As far as I could tell, advocating for oneself and/or taking care of oneself were behaviors reserved for those with privilege. I watched in awe as my coworkers talked back to the boss in meetings and showed up late for work without apology; meanwhile, I was always on time and submissive, yet still, the first one demoted, laid off, fired.
      Instead of focusing on being “perfect,” I began to congratulate myself for working hard; for accomplishing tasks; for staying positive. Truthfully, it is still hard for me to ask for help in the workplace. My hope is that the more I am accepted, the more vulnerable I will be able to be in these spaces.

      I focused more on life and less on work.
      Something I had to come to terms with was the fact that for me, work-life would always come with added challenges as a result of race, and race alone. No matter how satisfied I might be in a workplace, the fact remains that I have never worked anywhere where I was not stereotyped, dismissed, rejected, humiliated, undermined, etc. in ways that my white counterparts were not. Once I accepted this harsh reality, I made a radical decision: I would value rest over being busy. Our culture brainwashes us into believing that our worth is tied to our productivity. I had to unlearn the harmful belief that I could not rest, relax, or take a day off without compromising everything I’d worked so hard for. Once I shed that negative mindset, I placed energy into being present in all aspects of my life, and not just those deemed worthwhile by American society.
      I also embraced self-care and ditched self-neglect. For me, self-care looks like a lot of things. It looks like yoga and meditation. Taking candle-lit bubble baths on Wednesday nights. Blocking negative energy (and people) on social media. Scheduling mental health days. Bingeing Netflix. Bingeing fresh-baked cookies and ice cream. Whatever it takes to remind myself that I am worthy; valued; appreciated.

      For many Black women and Women of Color, it is not simply a question of finding work-life balance. It is a question of balancing so much more: balancing expectations people have of you with your expectations of yourself; balancing self-hate and self-love; balancing your conception of what you need to accomplish to be successful versus how others are privileged to define success. Finding my balance has been less about sacrifice and more about standards. My new commitment is to myself; not to others. I’ve wasted enough of my energy trying to prove to others that I am good enough. Now, it’s time to convince myself that I’m good enough. That I’m worthy of my job. Worthy of my accomplishments. Worthy of success. Worthy of rest. I am still a work-in-progress, but it feels good these days to move around with a little more balance, and a little less urgency. More

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      in health and weelbeing

      The Pandemic Helped Me Become More Confident With My Disability

      by

      As someone with a physical disability, I have always struggled with my mental health. I’m not certain whether my anxiety and depression are only manifested as a reaction to my experiences as a disabled woman, but I am confident they are, at the very least, exacerbated by it. Even if I tend to forget, I’m fortunate that my disability (Charcot-Marie-Tooth) is fairly easy to hide. My disability is a neurological disorder that causes the muscles in my lower extremities to be weaker than normal. I wear leg braces to help me walk, but other than that, I live a fairly normal life. My mental health is severely impacted by my disability, however, because my anxieties are constantly on edge as I worry about people staring, or about climbing stairs, or about standing for too long without a chance to sit. Ever since I was a child, I’ve lived with severe anxieties that caused stomachaches and nightmares. I feared everything from going over bridges to being sucked down the drain (this fear inspired by a Rugrats episode). It was so bad that if my family went out on a school night, I would nearly be in tears if I hadn’t been able to finish my homework beforehand, for fear of not having enough time to complete it when we finally returned home. 
      It wasn’t until a few months ago, when my anxiety transformed into depression and I struggled to keep up appearances of being just fine, that I finally got help. I am unable to pinpoint the exact moment my depression became a thing. It’s possible that I was rejected from one too many jobs, or I could feel some of my college friends and I growing apart as our early 20s began to slip away. Either way, I knew I was in trouble when I struggled with my writing; my creative juices simply were not flowing. I am writing about living with a disability for an MFA program and constantly focusing on the struggles I have faced with my disability became too much for me to work on. At the same time, I knew I needed to complete my memoir not just for my degree, but because I felt by getting my truth down on paper it would begin to help me understand and reconcile my negative feelings towards my disability. 

      I am unable to pinpoint the exact moment my depression became a thing. It’s possible that I was rejected from one too many jobs, or I could feel some of my college friends and I growing apart as our early 20s began to slip away.

      I had wanted to work with a therapist for several years, as more of my friends began seeing one and shared their positive experiences. But, like many Americans, mental health costs were not covered under my insurance. I contacted therapist after therapist, hoping I would find one who would take pity on me and offer a discount. Finally, I found one and have been working with her for several months. 
      We were able to meet in person once before we were forced into quarantine. I was worried that I would no longer be able to see my therapist, but was glad when she offered telehealth sessions. Our first session was a struggle, the video continuously froze, the audio was too low, and I ended the session fearing the next virtual appointment. After that first session though, we decided to forgo the video and just do a phone call.
      While I was happy that I was still able to speak with my therapist on a weekly basis, I feared that by not being able to see me, she would miss out on certain physical cues that were instrumental to understanding my anxiety. I have found that the only way to combat this is by vocalizing the reason behind the fidgeting, or if I don’t know the reason, simply vocalizing the fact that I am feeling anxious at that moment. This is challenging me to be more honest about my thoughts and feelings. On the flip side, not seeing my therapist face-to-face has given me a certain level of confidence I would not exude in person. In-person, I would be more focused on what I was doing with my hands or fidgeting with my hair than the conversation at hand. Like many aspects of our lives at this time, I need to be OK taking the good with the bad.

      While I was happy that I was still able to speak with my therapist on a weekly basis, I feared that by not being able to see me, she would miss out on certain physical cues that were instrumental to understanding my anxiety.

      I told my therapist how, in a weird way, I felt fortunate that I have struggled with anxiety for most of my life and that I had sought help before the pandemic began. Nearly everyone is now living in a state of constant fear and anxiety, and many people have not had to deal with these feelings before. As someone who has lived with anxiety all my life, I am slightly better equipped to recognize irrational fears versus rational ones, which I think makes a huge difference in this pandemic. I read a lot—whether books, magazines, newspapers, etc., I am almost always reading—and I have found this breadth of information and various perspectives have made it easier for me to identify those rational versus irrational thoughts.
      Books allow me to see that I am not alone in my way of thinking. For example, I am currently reading Sally Rooney’s Normal People (which is also a limited series) which tackles numerous mental health issues. I see myself in those characters, and it is helping me understand why I think the way I do. With the pandemic, I read verified sources that reference experts to determine what level of worry is rational. I admit the beginning of the pandemic made my anxieties even worse (for a time I had a panic attack anytime I listened to White House press briefings), but as the weeks stretched into months, the shock has worn off and I have educated myself enough to feel I have the tools necessary to be as safe as I can be, without closing myself off from the rest of the world.
      Whenever I go out I wear a mask, I wash my hands, and I keep my distance. I have not seen my family and friends in person because many of them are essential workers, but I video chat with at least one or two people every week and plan on having safe, socially-distanced dates with a friend. I feel as time has passed, I have begun to settle into my “normal” levels of anxieties, which I have been learning to deal with for months now. I work to challenge my suffocating mindsets, but more importantly, I am working to trust myself. 

      Like many aspects of our lives at this time, I need to be OK taking the good with the bad.

      I have decided to treat myself throughout this pandemic by ordering an abundance of goodies from face masks to bath bombs, salon-quality hair products to new clothes. When I put on new clothes and my hair is done, my face is clear and my makeup looks good, I feel rejuvenated.
      Doing these things, like buying fashion and beauty products, helps me feel good about myself and my body, something that I have always struggled with. With the pandemic, I went several weeks where I didn’t do my hair at all, I wore sweats or pajama pants every day, and it negatively impacted my mental health. I was hesitant to order things at first because I felt guilty for the delivery drivers and warehouse workers, but after a few weeks of realizing that things were not going to change anytime soon and I was not going to be able to go shopping in person for the foreseeable future, I finally broke down and made my first purchase: prescription glasses and sunglasses.
      I felt this was a necessary purchase, as I did need new glasses, and when I got them in the mail and tried them on I felt better than I had in weeks. They helped me feel cute and confident. After this, it was as though the floodgates opened and I felt free to order more: I bought a new CC cream from Ulta, as well as bath bombs, face masks, and lotion, I bought salon-quality hair care products from R+Co and, my most exciting purchase, I signed up for a clothing subscription service.

      Doing these things, buying fashion and beauty products, helps me feel good about myself and my body, something that I have always struggled with.

      Before the pandemic, it was my goal to become more comfortable with my body and less afraid of showing my leg braces. I planned to promote body positivity on social media by sharing photos of myself in dresses or shorts with my leg braces on full display. I have yet to get the courage to do this, but with my beauty purchases and focusing on my mental health with my therapist, I believe my confidence level is growing daily, and before long, I will be ready for the world to see me as I am—disability and all. More