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      Why I Talk About Feminism on First Dates

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      “I don’t know why it’s so hard for me to meet someone,” I said to my friends one day. But one of my friends quickly told me exactly why: it was because I expected too much from men. I even expected them to be feminists.I was immediately disheartened when I heard that she thought this was a lot to ask. I don’t expect the men I date to wear “women’s rights are human rights” T-shirts or have a PhD in gender studies. I don’t even expect them to identify as feminists, because it’s just a label and doesn’t carry much weight—I’ve met sexist men who call themselves “feminists.” But I do expect them to believe in gender equality, and I don’t think that’s too much to ask.
      Still, her comment got to me, and for a period of time, I was less outspoken about my beliefs, at least on first dates. It didn’t take me long to realize that holding these views back didn’t make dating any easier for me—in fact, it made it even more difficult. There are several reasons why I continue to talk about feminism on first dates.

      1. Gender equality should not be a radical idea. 
      I get that talking about politics, religion, or social justice issues on a first date could be perceived as intense. At the same time, gender equality should not be a radical idea. If I’m out with someone who is offended or discomforted by the idea that all genders are equal, that’s a red flag. 

      2. I don’t want to be several months in and find out that he harbors sexist views. 
      Speaking of red flags, I’d rather identify them early on than be several months into a relationship only to find out that my partner and I have opposing fundamental beliefs. Gender equality is not something minor to me. There are some things that I’m willing to agree to disagree about, and this is not one of them. The kinds of beliefs someone has about gender tells me a lot about their expectations for our relationship. During the time that I was avoiding talking about feminism on first dates, I still talked about politics and assumed that a guy I went out with was compatible with me because he was anti-racist and fairly left-wing. I only later found out that in addition to being mostly liberal, he’s also anti-abortion and is a strong proponent of traditional gender roles. Because I had already spent a bit of time getting to know him and I liked other things about him, I tried to make it work, but we argued on a regular basis, and I would never be the “good wife” he was truly looking for (and I didn’t want to be). If I’m dating a sexist man, I will find out eventually. Why wait until I’m already in deep? 

      3. I’m not scared of scaring someone away.
      We’ve heard it time and time again: don’t talk about religion or politics on the first date. But from my perspective, everything is political in some way. To avoid all political discussions is to have a pretty shallow conversation. I’m not dating to talk about the weather. I’m dating to truly get to know someone. During the time that I stopped talking about gender issues on first dates, I felt as if I was hiding part of myself. It’s not that my first dates are a two-hour long gender studies lecture; usually, gender issues come up organically because they’re connected to something else we’re talking about. If not, it’s natural for me to mention gender issues when someone asks about my passions or interests. Talking about feminist issues might scare some people away, but if I scare sexist guys away, I’m doing exactly what I want to do: filtering out people I’m not compatible with. 

      4. I want him to like me for who I am.
      When I had my first childhood crush, I actively tried to be the kind of girl I thought he would like. I was a proper chameleon, buying a jacket with his favorite football team’s logo on it, and adapting myself according to his interests. But I’ve lived and learned, and I’m not dating to stroke someone’s ego or to change myself until they finally accept me. I want to date someone who I truly like, and I want to date someone who truly likes me—not the idea of me or an altered, watered-down version of me. I once went out with a man who stopped me mid-sentence when I started talking about gender issues. “I don’t want to hear about this,” he said. “I want to hear about you.” Maybe he thought he was being romantic in a way, but he didn’t realize that they’re one in the same. I’m passionate about gender issues, and it’s part of who I am, not a separate entity. If a man doesn’t believe in gender equality, he’s not going to like me for who I am. It’s that simple. I now realize that the kind of man I want to date is one who is willing to engage in these conversations. 

      5. I can learn more about who this person truly is. 
      I don’t expect anyone to be perfect. I don’t expect a person I’m dating to know everything about gender issues (I don’t either, of course), or to fully understand something that he hasn’t experienced firsthand. But I do expect him to be open to listening. I do expect him to not be defensive. Talking about issues like this shows me how he reacts when faced with something uncomfortable or challenging. Is he just defensive when I’m simply having a discussion and not trying to argue, or does he want to know more? I once went out with a guy who said he didn’t believe some survivors of sexual assault because they reported it years after it happened. Extreme red flags aside, I tried to talk to him about why women might wait to come forward about sexual assault. As I was talking, he got up to add more sugar to his coffee and asked to change the subject once he returned. That told me exactly how he liked his version of reality: sugar-coated and easy to swallow. 

      6. I don’t want to tolerate sexist behavior anymore. 
      Gone are the days in which I would ignore casual and benevolent sexism because it “could be worse.” I’m willing to give second chances. People can change, especially if they didn’t recognize that the way they were thinking was sexist. But if he just doesn’t really care about sexism, thinks it’s not a big deal or says something along the lines of, “Well, that’s just the way things are,” I’m not here for that. Benevolent sexism is still sexism, and I don’t want it in my relationships. I want an equal partnership. Unfortunately, maybe that’s a lot to ask from a heterosexual relationship at this point in time. But I’m going to keep asking.  More

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      9 Things That Might Be Affecting Your Libido

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      We know the drill. You come home late after a long day, cook dinner, and basically just melt right into bed. Your partner, of course, was wishing for other plans. While most of us shrug this off to stress or exhaustion (which it can be!), there are other reasons you might not get as excited to get down to business tonight. It’s normal to not be in the mood every now and then (I mean, sometimes we just want to sleep!); however, when it becomes a consistent occurrence, there could be something deeper going on.A low libido seriously sucks, but it’s something most of us will go through at some point. Instead of causing yourself more stress, we looked into all the reasons you’re not too keen on doing much in the bedroom right now — besides sleep.

      1. Stress
      We all know how it feels to get home and still have a to-do list. Whether you’re experiencing work, school, or personal stress, it’s easy to let that get into your head and discourage you from engaging in time with your partner.
      Try one of these — might I add, wonderful — ways to reduce your day to day stress, so you and your partner can get back to it. You could also start adding some self-care to your routine, or if you’re feeling ~spicy~, treat yourself with a little me time. We promise you’ll feel renewed.

      2. Certain medications
      Antidepressants, some anti-anxiety medications, blood pressure medications, and more can have a low sex drive as a side effect. If you’ve started taking a new medication recently, look back at the list of side effects your pharmacist gave you (that you probably wanted to throw out and thought again that it might be important). If you think it’s impacting your life or your relationships, you can talk to your doctor about another option.  

      3. Pregnancy or breastfeeding
      Pregnancy and breastfeeding cause a lot of changes to occur within your body. Your hormones are raging, which can cause fluctuations in your sex drive. One day you might want to go at it like rabbits, and another, you’re not interested at all. Understand that this is just a change in your body, and it won’t last forever.
      Aside from your hormones, the other side effects of pregnancy can turn you off from sex. Nausea and fatigue in the first trimester just make sex uncomfortable — who wants to go at it when they feel sick!? Then, as your body grows and changes (woohoo! A baby!), traditional sex positions can feel kinda awkward, and women can sometimes be self-conscious about their pregnant bodies. Be kind to yourself, you’re about to birth another human into the world!

      4. Lack of sleep
      Along with stress, we completely understand. Whether you had a work report due at 8am, you had a scary dream (I watch too much AHS), or you stayed up reading (#guilty), you didn’t get your full eight hours last night. And that’s okay! It’s when you continuously forgo sleep that you start to notice a consistent decrease in your libido.
      Try some lavender oil in your diffuser, turn off your electronics an hour before bed, or my personal favorite, give yourself a good Saturday morning to sleep until noon.

      5. Negative body image
      When you don’t feel comfortable or accepting of your body, it’s hard to want someone else to see you naked. Continued fear and self-consciousness when having sex is enough to make you never want to do it again. Yoga, meditation, or buying a cute new set of lingerie are all examples of ways you can start to gain a little confidence (and maybe feel a little sexier, too!).

      Source: @eberjey

      6. Mental health issues
      If you’re struggling with depression (Seasonal Affective Disorder included) or anxiety, it can significantly impact your sex drive. This can have to do with medication, issues with trust, anxiety and worry about your partner — the list goes on. Because there are so many ways mental illness can affect your libido, reach out to your doctor to discuss ways in which you can either bring it back or make it easier on yourself.

      7. Relationship issues
      You and your partner might have gotten in a fight recently, or you feel as though you can’t trust him or her. There are many different issues that you and your partner can experience that might lower your libido. If you’re experiencing conflict, talk with your partner openly and honestly. The conflict might be stressful and hard to deal with at first, but you’ll be grateful when it’s over and you and your partner feel closer than ever.

      8. Conditions that make sex painful
      Vulvodynia and endometriosis are known to cause painful sex, which can not really make you super excited to get in the sack, right? If you suffer with these conditions, talk to your doctor about treatments. You can also talk to your partner about different positions that might reduce or avoid pain. You deserve to feel good during sex, not uncomfortable!

      9. Birth control
      Again with the hormones! Birth control pills can sometimes lower the hormones in your body — like testosterone — that make you want to have sex. Luckily, there are alternatives, such as non-hormonal IUDs, condoms, and diaphragms. You could also talk with your doctor about trying a different birth control pill or option, like the NuvaRing.

      How have you handled a low libido? What are your tips and tricks to keeping your sex drive up?!

      This article was originally published on November 17, 2018. More

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      My Daily Routine in Quarantine That Has Made a Huge Difference in My Health

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      We all have daily routines. Big or small, healthy or unhealthy, our routines become habits that shape who we become. Sounds heavy, right? My daily routines sometimes look like Epsom salt baths, jade rolling while meditating, and checking every item off my to-do list while having enough time to add the exact adaptogen blend that’s best for my current energy state into my matcha latte. Other days look more like shoveling an entire box of Annie’s White Cheddar Mac n’ Cheese (the best kind. You can @ me on it) while working through lunch and bingeing Selling Sunset after dinner until I realize it’s 1am.Typically though, my days alternate between varying degrees of both examples. Routines don’t have to be total transformations or all-or-nothing, as if getting to bed too late or eating a candy bar after dinner cancels out the healthy rituals you kept up with all day. I’ve recently adopted a few specific habits while in quarantine that has made a huge difference in my overall health and wellbeing, and might improve yours too. Remember that it doesn’t have to be a major transformation for any of these routines to make an impact; even just one minor change can crowd out an unhealthy habit or make a huge difference on its own. Here are the daily routines that have made the biggest difference for me: 

      I keep technology away from the bedroom
      A relevant preface: I live in a studio apartment. The “bedroom” is also my workspace, eating space, sleep space, and living space, so I never thought the “no-technology-in-the-bedroom” rule could apply to me and the 650 square-feet that I call home. I used to charge my laptop in an outlet next to my bedside table, work while sitting in bed at night, and kept my phone next to me overnight. A couple of months ago, I designated a “tech space” at the kitchen table and left devices there to charge, use, and work on.
      Not only did this minor shift in geography transform my evening routine (no more working in bed!), but it transformed my morning routine. I no longer lay in bed, scrolling through Instagram until the last second possible. Instead, I get out of bed right away (since I have nothing else to do) and go through my brief morning routine. Not only does it help me sleep better when technology no longer takes over my life, but getting out of bed immediately makes me feel more awake and energized throughout the entire day. Not to mention that I have a better work-life balance as a byproduct, but more on that below. 

      I wake up 10 minutes before I need to
      Speaking of waking up easier, I need you to know that my workday starts at 6:30am. A couple of years ago, my move to southern California was all sunshine and rainbows (literally) besides the fact that my office is on central time. I actually work way better in the early mornings than in the evenings (so I enjoy the earlier end to my day), and I thrive on getting sh*t done before it feels like the rest of the world has woken up, but I’m not going to say that the wake-up part is always easy. Full confession: I used to groggily roll out of bed at 6:15am to quickly brush my teeth and make a cup of lemon water before the workday starts. 
      When quarantine hit and I realized I had to prioritize my mental health even more (though we should be prioritizing ourselves as much as possible, pandemic or not), I knew I had to find more time for myself in the mornings. I challenged myself to get up just 10 minutes before I absolutely need to. I spend those 10 extra minutes doing a meditation, stretching on my yoga mat, going through a full skincare routine, or lighting a candle and getting my day ready. No matter your work start time or when you wake up, getting up 10 minutes earlier than you have to allows you to take your time, keep your mornings calm, and help keep stress down for the rest of the day. 

      I eat fruit for breakfast 
      I get it; I used to do the whole omelet-or-protein-powder-smoothie thing, because my focus was getting in more protein than any other macronutrient or nutrient. When I transformed my nutrition mindset to be about adding more plants, I started eating more fruit in the mornings. After a while, I realized fruit filled me up without making me lethargic or painfully bloated like I usually felt by noon. So now, every morning, I’ll either dress up berries and pears with tahini, cacao nibs, and goji berries (I like to be #extra), and other days, I’ll cut up whatever apples or peaches are in the fridge.
      I have since let go of the idea that I need a protein-heavy breakfast to be healthy and, instead, opt for what makes my body feel its best: fruit. I’ve never felt so energized, had less digestive issues, and even have fewer cravings throughout the day. The lesson to take from this daily routine is not that you should eat fruit for breakfast too. Instead, the lesson is to listen to your body to identify what’s best for it. 

      I make the most of my lunch break
      Confession: pre-quarantine Josie used lunch breaks to watch 30 minutes of Real Housewives of Beverly Hills (and I would fall asleep for 25 of those minutes) or work through lunch with a salad at my desk (I’ve had to force myself into better work-life balance). I still do love the occasional reality TV to turn off the brain while I cook and eat (nothing quite like fights between Denise and Rinna to help me temporarily forget about work woes and to-do lists), but I feel so much better when I check in with my body to identify the kind of break it really needs. Sometimes that looks like foam rolling, sometimes that’s getting other errands and chores done, and sometimes I go for a walk to get outside. Since making the most of my lunch breaks, I’m more energetic, productive, and happier.  

      I force myself to have a work cut-off time
      So your office hours “end at 5pm,” but 5pm turns into 8pm and you find yourself responding to emails, finishing projects, or putting out fires well into the night? Take it from someone who has been trying to perfect the work-from-home routine for years now: you need a non-negotiable cut-off time. I give myself a reasonable daily cut-off time (typically with an extra hour in case I do need some more time to wrap up), and then make sure that’s it for the rest of the night. Work-life balance starts with leaving work exactly where it belongs: at the office (or at your designated kitchen-table-turned-desk).
      I also transition out of the workday with closing rituals like changing into a(nother) loungewear set, shutting my laptop, tidying up my apartment, and physically crossing off the last item on my to-do list (so satisfying, right?). No matter when your workday ends, turn the last step into a ritual that signals to your brain that it’s no longer work time. (Pssst… a closing ritual is especially a hot tip if you find yourself checking emails throughout the night or can’t fall asleep because you’re worried about your to-do’s for the next day.)

      I make time for social connection
      I’ve previously talked a lot about the social mistakes that pre-quarantine Josie made (besides calling a teacher “mom” in high school and accidentally liking a post from 2015 when stalking a potential love interest, but those wounds aren’t healed enough to talk about yet). To paint you a picture, I used to think I had my shit together because I would go home early on Fridays to avoid being too hungover to make my Saturday morning workout, and would typically skip out on Taco Tuesdays and Wine Wednesdays because I had too much to do during the week.
      Responsible, yes, but I also didn’t acknowledge that social connection is just as important for our health as eating veggies and regularly exercising. Now, I prioritize social connection like I eat leafy greens with two meals a day and consistently move my body. Eating dinner with my boyfriend, Facetiming my college friends, or calling my mom for at least a few minutes every day has made me feel more motivated, fulfilled, happy, and healthy.  

      I drink a cup of tea before bed
      Since quarantine started, I have become all about the rituals. I’ve learned that while it’s hard to do the same thing every single day, there’s a reason children go through an entire nighttime routine to be able to fall asleep (anyone else miss bedtime stories?): rituals become habits that tell our bodies when it’s time for sleep. If some nights we read before bed, some nights we stay out late with friends, and some nights we work until midnight with no consistent rituals, our brains struggle to figure out when it’s time to sleep. Since bedtime is not always as consistent as I’d like it to be, I find consistency in rituals like having a cup of tea after dinner. Not only does a cup of tea get more nutrients into my body (I love peppermint tea, which can help digestion), but I’ve had it so consistently that all it takes to put me to bed is a warm, cozy cup of tea.

      I end my day with yoga or stretches
      In addition to a traditional workout earlier in the day, I’ve started doing yoga or some stretches right before bed, and it has potentially made the biggest difference to my health in the shortest amount of time. The purpose of yoga or stretches before bed is not to exercise my body or burn calories (like what I used to think was the only reason to move). Instead, I see nighttime yoga as 5-10 minutes of screen-free mental stillness. I feel such a drastic difference in my body when I get out of bed in the morning (if I say I typically feel stiff when I wake up, will it make me sound old?), but I also feel a lot more peaceful, calm, and content at night. I fall asleep quicker and stay in a deeper sleep than on days when I don’t fit in any stretching at all. Go through a few stretches tonight and get ready to sleep like a baby (your mind and body can thank me later).

      What daily routine has made the biggest difference in your health? Which of these rituals would you try? More

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      10 Ways to Get Back Into a Healthy Routine for the Colder Seasons

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      Whether you took on summer with a margarita in hand and a permanent seat on a lawn chair or went on daily jogs in the warm weather after sipping on green juices, summer isn’t the only chance you have to form healthy routines throughout the year. If 2020 has left you with extra unhealthy habits or you’re still in laid-back summer mode, don’t worry: it’s not too late to get back into a healthy routine. Back-to-school season can feel like a fresh start (even for adults), making it an ideal time to revive habits that will get you through the colder months as healthy and happy as possible. Here are 10 ways to eat better, move your body more, and achieve your health goals through fall and winter. 
      1. Set easy-to-reach goals
      Your inclination may be to set higher goals to push yourself so you achieve more. While lofty goals can challenge you to be your best, hard-to-reach goals can actually prevent you from making progress when you’re trying to get back into a healthy routine. Lofty milestones can feel overwhelming, so start small with goals you know you will be easy and enjoyable to reach (like going on a walk every day or doing yoga for 10 minutes in the morning), and then work your way up. The point of making and hitting milestones is that every achievement builds motivation to achieve even more. Instead of running five miles, losing 10lbs, or eating 100 percent clean by the end of the season, set weekly or daily goals. Try eating leafy greens with two meals a day, drinking eight glasses of water by dinner, or moving your body for 30 minutes for five days a week. 

       
      2. Don’t deprive yourself
      When we want to get back into a healthy routine, it’s tempting to start with the “don’ts:” don’t eat sugar, don’t have processed foods, don’t skip a workout, etc. But depending on rules to get your body to make changes sets up for failure. First of all, we always want what we can’t have, so you’re going to be craving Halloween candy or an apple pie more than you would’ve been if it wasn’t off-limits. More importantly, external rules prevent you from listening to what your body really needs. Maybe your body needs grounding foods or to take a break in order to be healthier, so listen to what your body is telling you. DIY whatever you’re craving with more nourishing options, rest when you need to, and prioritize what brings you joy. True health comes from a place of freedom, intuition, and abundance, not deprivation. 

      3. Get more sleep
      If you couldn’t tell by the shorter days and longer nights, your body is craving more sleep. Don’t push through the tired feeling; use daylight savings as an opportunity to set an earlier bedtime. When you get enough sleep at night, you wake up feeling great, stay energized throughout the day, and are able to make the best choices for your mind and body. Sleep can be the most crucial ingredient for a healthy routine, so prioritize it above anything else. If you have to choose between 7-9 hours of sleep and an early workout or late work night? Choose sleep every time. 

      4. Set support methods along with goals
      You could set the most motivating goals with the best intentions, but they may be too difficult to reach if you’re not looking at the big picture. If your goals are fitness-related, think about the food and lifestyle choices you can make to support that goal, like getting enough sleep and eating whole, energizing foods, so you have the energy to keep up with the exercise routine you want. And if you want to eat cleaner, think of how you can set yourself up for success with meal prepping, healthy snacks, or strategic grocery shopping. No matter what healthy habits you hope to adopt, you have to look at every area of your life to see how you make changes to support those healthy habits. 

      5. Make small tweaks to your diet
      Good news: you don’t have to transform your diet to be healthier (yes, even if you’ve enjoyed too many glasses of rosé over the summer or one too many frozen pizzas in 2020). The most sustainable and effective way to eat healthy (without hating your life)? Make small tweaks to your diet. For example, if pasta is your go-to for dinner, add some kale to the sauce, or order a side salad whenever you order out. You can also try having a smoothie instead of a breakfast sandwich or eating carrots and hummus instead of your usual chips and salsa snack in the afternoon. No matter what tweaks you make, the point is to make one small change at a time, rather than to transform your entire diet at once. In terms of what to change, think of adding more fruit and vegetables rather than taking away any foods that are a part of your routine.

      6. Start with stretching
      Even an athlete doesn’t get back into a fitness routine by running a 10k; don’t expect your strength and endurance to be the same as it was the last time you had a consistent exercise routine. Whether you were a gym rat pre-virus, work out here and there, or have never cared much about exercise before, start with stretching. Stretching will likely feel less daunting than weight training or cardio, so it’s a good way to start moving your body again. Also, stretching keeps muscles flexible, strong, and healthy. Without stretching, the muscles shorten and become tight, so any strenuous activity meant to strengthen them could cause joint pain, muscle damage, or strains. There’s also a wide variety of other benefits to stretching, including mental health; try these stretches to help anxiety or these to get a better night’s sleep. 

      7. Enjoy the season
      Just because the days of jogging on the beach and swimming in the pool are over, it doesn’t mean the rest of the seasons can’t help you be active and healthy too. Instead of staying inside on your couch 24/7 (although we’ll definitely be doing a lot of that), enjoy all that autumn has to offer to achieve your healthiest self. Take a walk to look at the changing leaves, rake leaf piles, go apple picking, and enjoy all the fresh seasonal foods like apples, sweet potatoes, kale, butternut squash, and pumpkin. Sure, a PSL and Harry Potter movie marathon are not necessarily fall essentials that were invented with our health goals in mind, but there are so many ways to enjoy the season that will help establish a healthy routine. Enjoying the crisp air will help get you moving, and eating the delicious seasonal produce will not only result in killer pumpkin recipes, but will be giving your body more nutrients.  

      8. Be kind to yourself
      Forming a new routine or habit is not easy; our bodies are conditioned to crave what’s comfortable. If you find it’s difficult to adopt healthier routines, know that it’s not because you’re lazy, weak, or have something inherently wrong with you; it means you’re normal. To get through the tough transitions that come with forming new habits, remind yourself why you want a healthier routine. Is it because you love your body enough to treat it as well as possible? Is it so you can feel more confident, vivacious, or happy? Remember that self-judgment, criticism, or shame are not going to get you to that end goal any more than your unhealthy habits. Lead with self-compassion, and I promise you’ll get to your goals quicker and easier. 

      9. Cook at home more often
      Fall and winter are the perfect time to hone your cooking skills. The weather’s colder, you’re staying in more, and you’re craving grounding foods that can easily be made with an instant pot or in the oven. Cooking at home typically means healthier meals, more accurate portions for what your body needs, and satisfying your cravings with as much nutritional value as possible. Cooking newbie? Stock your fridge at the beginning of the week with seasonal produce and healthy basics like leafy greens, grains like quinoa or brown rice, and a few organic proteins to prepare grounding, warm, satisfying meals throughout the week. Check out easy recipes like here, here, and here. If prepping meals in advance feels overwhelming, try making a little extra dinner and save as leftovers for lunch the next day. 

      10. Strive for consistency
      We often look at healthy routines with all-or-nothing thinking: we either eat perfectly or binge on junk food because indulging in one bag of chips made the day “no longer count” (I hear that one a lot!). But the key to any routine is exactly that: routine. Unlike friends or clothing items, strive for quantity over quality when it comes to healthy habits. For example, if you’ve had a busy and exhausting day, fit in five minutes of some movement, even if it’s not the intense HIIT workout you had hoped for. Likewise, keep up healthy eating goals by eating as healthy as you can every day, rather than eating perfectly. If your friends go to a fast-food restaurant, keep up consistency by ordering a side salad with your meal or extra veggies on the side, instead of telling yourself you’ll start tomorrow. After all, a healthy routine is just consistent decisions that snowball into habits to make us feel our very best. 

      How do you get back into a healthy routine? More

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      4 Lessons I Learned From Grief—and How They’ve Changed My Life

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      As a child, I remember my friends going over to their grandparents’ homes for the weekend and coming home with mountains of homemade cookies and hand-knit sweaters. Me? I came home from my Grammy’s house smelling of patchouli and incense. I would hop back in the car from East Texas back to Dallas arm-in-arm with a pile of new books from the thrift store, a head chock full of Beatles songs, and lots of stories to chat about on the two-hour drive home.From what you can probably gather, my Grammy wasn’t the typical grandparent that you may have grown up with. She was a nurse dedicated to each and every patient that saw her, an activist for everyone who walked past her, an animal rehabber who took care of everything from chinchillas to possums, and a hippie at heart. When she died in 2017, I was wrecked—and so was everyone else. It wasn’t until I began to deal with my grief in a productive way that I realized something: the people we love leave us with lessons in the smallest, most magical of places—it’s just up to us to find them. 

      1. Life’s too short for boring
      I’ve always been a monochrome girl. I love a nice gray sweater, a fantastic pair of black jeans, and dainty gold jewelry. My room has always been decorated in neutrals (with the exception of an unfortunate satin purple bedspread in the 4th grade), and I’ve always been happy with it. My Grammy, on the other hand? Everything has always, always been an explosion of color. From the tie-dyed peace sign bumper stickers on her red Nissan Cube to the bright shirts and scrubs she wore on the daily to the card she carried as a member of the Red Hat Society, she was a huge proponent of rainbows and color bursts in any and every situation. 
      When she died, I wanted to honor her in little, everyday ways. For me, this looked like adding a rainbow quilt to my bed and a bright-colored tassel to my keys. More importantly, it was a reminder to me that she wasn’t one for normal things—and life was too short to be normal all the time. Loss is heavy, but finding bright spots to remember your loved one by is a way to lighten the load. By finding tangible, small ways to remember the person you lost, the grieving process might just shorten itself.
      My challenge to you: Add a little color to your bedroom with a bright pillow, swipe on some red lipstick, or pick up the bright blue socks from Target instead of the plain white ones.

      It was a reminder to me that she wasn’t one for normal things—and life was too short to be normal all the time. Loss is heavy, but finding bright spots to remember your loved one by is a way to lighten the load.

      2. Spread some love in your loved one’s honor
      As a (sometimes) vegetarian, an animal rehabber, and a seriously political woman, my Grammy did her absolute best to teach my sister, my cousin, and I about how lucky we were to have an Earth that supported us like it did. She also taught us how lucky we were to have animals that roamed the Earth and snuggled up next to us, and she was recycling everything in sight and carrying reusable bags way before it was the cool thing to do. She spent every extra second of her life volunteering somewhere, in some capacity, and I never once heard her complain. From picking up extra shifts as a hospice nurse on top of her normal ER hours and waking up at all hours of the night to bottle-feed injured possums, she never, ever put herself first. 
      In the years that have passed, I’ve become acutely aware of the holes in my community and the world that I could be helping with. Many of us probably understand the dichotomy that often occurs when we lose someone close to us—that balance between honoring someone while remembering they weren’t perfect people—that can add a confusing element to an already confusing time. While I’m sure my Grammy had qualities that were certainly not great, choosing to embrace her love for the world has helped me become a better person in every way. Grief is a messy, convoluted process, and none of it is particularly joyful. However, choosing to embrace and live out the spots in your loved one’s lives that gave them joy is the surest and quickest way to give yourself some spark.
      My challenge to you: Set up a recurring monthly donation to a political candidate that inspires you, go pet the puppies living in cages at your local animal shelter, and rinse the shampoo out of your bottle so you can recycle it, damn it!

      Grief is a messy, convoluted process, and none of it is particularly joyful. However, choosing to embrace and live out the spots in your loved one’s lives that gave them joy is the surest and quickest way to give yourself some spark.

      3. People make all the difference
      After my Grammy died, we had the intensely un-fun job at our hands to go through her things. I found myself near her bookshelves—the exact ceiling-to-floor shelves that had captivated me as a child—picking through the thousands of novels and self-help books that filled out. On the bottom shelf, I found a collection of all of her old high school yearbooks. They were coated in a thin layer of dust, and it was obvious that she hadn’t touched them in a while. I cracked them open, and the inside front and back covers were simply covered with long, handwritten notes about how grateful they were to have met a sweet spirit like her. As a high school teacher myself, I understand how rare it is for any high schoolers to write much more than “have a good summer” in anyone’s yearbook. 
      The truth is, our life is full of tiny little moments and seemingly ordinary encounters that can, quite literally, change lives. Whether we’re in line for an oil change or making friends at work, the same old adage rings true: people will simply never forget how you made them feel. In a world rife with turmoil and heavy with reminders that life can change on a dime, it’s our job to build meaningful relationships and love as well as we can. After all, not a single day is guaranteed.
      My challenge to you: Pick up the phone and call someone you haven’t talked to in a while, write a thank-you note to a teacher who made an impact on you, or make a point to have a true conversation with someone you love.

      The truth is, our life is full of tiny little moments and seemingly ordinary encounters that can, quite literally, change lives. Whether we’re in line for an oil change or making friends at work, the same old adage rings true: people will simply never forget how you made them feel.

      4. Never, ever stop searching for more
      My Grammy was always looking for something. I spent 23 years as her granddaughter before she died, and in that time I saw her explore transcendental meditation, dabble in Buddhist and Hindu prayers, twist herself into yoga positions, burn incense, and convert to Judaism from Methodism. She was on a constant quest for self-improvement, an understanding of the beyond, and a spiritual view of the world. While her method was unorthodox, it also reminds me of how important it is to never stop looking. While religion might be an extreme example, it’s our job to question the world we live in. It’s our job to look into things, to try new methods for life, and to be unorthodox while we still can. 
      Losing someone is a difficult mountain to climb, and it often opens up questions that weren’t there before. However, taking that heartbreak and sadness and making it into a learning experience? I feel like there’s nothing that could honor those we love any better than that. We’re only on this earth for a short while, and making the most of every single second is the only good way to do it.
      My challenge to you: Go to therapy, download an app and dabble in meditation, or crack open a new self-help book that challenges you.

      It’s our job to question the world we live in. It’s our job to look into things, to try new methods for life, and to be unorthodox while we still can. 

      Perhaps the most vivid memory from the week my Grammy died is getting the call that she had passed away and thinking to myself that it was my job to hold everyone else together. We’re a family of close-knit, like-minded women, and my mom lost her mother that day. The way I saw it, I couldn’t let myself cry or be overcome with grief. If I did, I was letting everyone else down and giving us permission to unravel from the inside out. I held my sister’s hand at the funeral and spoke to everyone gathered without a single shake in my voice, and I never, ever let anybody see me cry. 
      In hindsight, all that stoicism did was turn me away from every single lesson my Grammy had ever taught me. Feelings are there for a reason, and the people we love leaving us is staggeringly painful. Instead of sinking into ourselves, we’re all meant to rise up by loving people deeply, constantly bettering ourselves, sending love out in every direction, and doing it dressed in colorful clothes. After all, what’s left without color, light, love, and emotion? Nothing but darkness. When the people we love leave us with good, we have to carry it on. More

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      in health and weelbeing

      I Tried Text Therapy to Help My Anxiety—Here’s How It Went

      by

      I have never given much thought to how I cope with anything: racism, violence against Black bodies, stress, and sadness. As an outsider looking in, this is the reality for many of the Black women in my life. My mother is the strongest person I know; many would say I am one of the strongest women they know. I now understand how the strong Black woman trope has been passed down through my lineage. Because of the generational shield, our ability to fully express ourselves is limited even amongst those who love and care for us deeply. I can count on one hand how often I’ve seen my mother express her feelings fully, without apology. When I hear her laugh fill a room, it brings me so much joy because I know she is letting go. Truthfully, I can’t tell you the last time I have expressed a full range of emotions, out of fear that I would be labeled difficult, loud, emotional, soft, or angry. I am starting to realize that making my emotional being smaller is likely directly contributing to my new experiences with panic attacks. When I cry, I feel weak; when I laugh, I feel undeserving; when I am angry, I hold it in. The night I found myself in my bedroom closet, crying as my best friend Samantha listened on the phone, I realized it was time for me to talk to someone. That week, I couldn’t drive or do anything without feeling like I would have a panic attack. It was terrifying and made me feel completely out of control—like I didn’t know who I was anymore. 

      I couldn’t drive or do anything without feeling like I would have a panic attack. It was terrifying and made me feel completely out of control—like I didn’t know who I was anymore. 

      Trying Talkspace
      I had thought about therapy before this; however, I continued to put it off. Finding a therapist takes effort and time, especially with the uptick people seeking help due to the coronavirus. I couldn’t wait and go through my healthcare provider, I needed immediate help. So, I settled on Talkspace. Their platform is one that I see ads for often, and they are now accepting health insurance. Kaiser Permanente offers a reduced fee of $40 a week for the first four weeks. Now, this isn’t a permanent solution; however, it can offer a start, because let’s be real: therapy (including teletherapy) is too expensive and not accessible to all. 
      After an emotional release surrounded by my clothes, I was ready to talk. Shortly after setting up my profile, Talkspace helped match me with a therapist. My first match was with a Black woman, and for that reason, I didn’t seek out any other options. If you do find yourself matched with someone who doesn’t feel like a good fit for you, you can ask for other options. Therapist profiles share their specialties, how long they’ve been in practice, and their approach to therapy.
      Before we started to text, I filled out a questionnaire to answer questions about why I was seeking therapy. My therapist also asked, “What brings you to Talkspace?” Truthfully, I felt a little apprehensive about sharing what was going on with me. You know, I’m used to being a strong Black woman—we don’t share these types of inner secrets.
      Instead of shutting down, I typed, “I’m here because I have chronic anxiety, and I want to do more to understand why I’m always so anxious.” Getting that out felt like a relief. Acknowledging my anxiety with a professional instantly made me feel better. As we continued to talk, we started to get to the root of my anxiety, much of which is triggered by my need for control and my position as my family’s glue. “This is all still related because it’s your fear of a loss of control,” she typed. “That’s the struggle!” Seeing this revelation, as simple as it was staring back at me in a green text bubble, was my “ah-ha” moment. Even a small level of understanding made me feel like I was getting closer to feeling like myself again. 

      Even a small level of understanding made me feel like I was getting closer to feeling like myself again. 

      When I started to feel anxiety about little things, like signing a lease on a new apartment (something I always avoid—I’m a month-to-monther), I’d text her. She’d ground me. “There is no promise that everything will be perfect, but it will be good enough,” she typed. “The apartment isn’t a life-altering decision. You have options now, and you’ll have options later. You are making an informed decision. If/when new information comes in, you will evaluate it and determine whether or not you need to act on it.” As someone who feels anxiety about everything because of “what if,” those words in my mind translated to, “Hey, you’re OK. Take things day by day.” When I find myself freaking out over little things, I go back to this message to get re-grounded. 
      Talkspace therapists will typically respond 3-4 times a day up to five days a week. The flow of the responses worked well for me. However, I don’t know if this is the right form of therapy for me long term. The responses were helpful, and even mind-blowing at times. However, I realized I need a one-on-one, face-to-face experience to build what I feel is a genuine rapport with my therapist. This might be the old-school millennial in me, but connecting with someone face-to-face is important in my life beyond therapy. Because of that, I felt a bit disconnected, even when her observations were spot-on. The platform does offer teletherapy options, which means you get one-on-one time virtually with your provider. However, the package that offers four live, 30-minute sessions a month is $396 monthly ($296 with my insurance for the first four weeks), and that just isn’t in my budget. 

      Moving Forward
      Talkspace allowed me to slowly move into giving therapy a try as an adult without feeling any judgment. Texting my responses made me feel comfortable being completely honest about what was going on with me at the time, so much so I now share my anxiety with my friends without feeling any angst. Their support has fueled me, even on tough days. When I’m too anxious to drive, they come to see me (with masks on, of course). When I feel a panic attack creeping in, I call one of them, and they talk to me until I get home. No matter how long it takes. For folks who are curious about therapy, Talkspace is, in my opinion, an excellent entry point. It can be difficult to share your innermost thoughts with a complete stranger, and texting can feel less intrusive. I found it cathartic to type what I was feeling. It was like writing into my diary, except with a mental health professional on the other end.  
      Talkspace provided a stepping stone to my mental health journey. I am setting boundaries with my family, working on letting go, outwardly sharing my experience with anxiety, and discovering new things about myself.
      I am still on the hunt for my forever therapist (and potentially an app that works with my budget), but I’m on the right track.  More

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      7 Things All Successful Women Know About Rejection

      by

      Whether it’s being ghosted by a Tinder match or losing out on that dream job, rejection is an inevitable part of life. It can be hard not to take being turned down personally, but there will usually be numerous factors and circumstances beyond our control that mean that the answer can’t always be yes.While spending a few days sulking can help, coping well with rejection is an important life skill that will set you up to better handle future disappointments. Honing an ability to pick yourself up and try again is crucial to achieving your goals. Next time that you get knocked back, remember this:

      1. That being rejected shows that you had the courage to put yourself forward
      You’ve been rejected? Congratulations! The fact that you have even been turned down in the first place shows that you were brave enough to put yourself forward for something that was difficult to achieve—and that doing so takes a tremendous amount of courage and self-belief.
      When you get rejected, take some time to remember the challenges that you overcame by going for that job interview, asking for a pay rise, or putting yourself out there on a dating app. Striving for what you wanted is still a success, regardless of whether or not it ultimately leads to rejection.

      2. That rejection happens to everyone
      Even the seemingly most successful among us will have struggled with rejection at some stage. Don’t believe me? Check out this list of celebrities who were rejected by other celebs, or this one of famous people who failed before they succeeded. If Oprah can pick herself up after getting fired from her first TV job or Vera Wang can launch a fashion empire after being passed over for Vogue’s editor-in-chief position, then you can bounce back from rejection too.
       
      3. That some factors that lead to rejection are out of our control
      Perhaps you spent hours on that job application. Maybe you thought that things were going really, really well with that person that you were dating. You might have been convinced that that presentation to land an important new client was perfect.
      Your performance, skills, and personal attributes will only ever be part of the story. There could simply have been someone else who was better suited to that job opening. That person you were seeing just might not have had the space in their life for a relationship right now. The other client could have offered a cheaper rate that your company couldn’t beat. Instead of internalizing rejection, remember that many of the factors that contributed to it were likely unknowable and out of your control.
       
      4. Why you had the opportunity in the first place
      The more that we strive for difficult-to-achieve things, the more we open ourselves up to rejection. Try and view this setback as evidence that you are pushing your limits and coming closer to the things that you want to achieve.
      Focus on the small successes that you experienced on the way to rejection—perhaps you can celebrate that you landed an audition in the first place, or that you had opened yourself up to getting to know someone new. Take stock of the strengths that you demonstrated rather than the reasons for the rejection, and work on refining and showcasing them the next time that you get a new opportunity.
       
      5. What you can learn from the experience
      Although it might take time to be able to view a rejection as a learning opportunity, it can be valuable to attempt to understand the reasons why you were turned down. For career rejections, you should ask for feedback so that you’re prepared when another opportunity presents itself. Meet with the decision-maker to ask them areas that you performed well in, and what ultimately motivated their choice.
      Romantic rejections can also be a chance to learn about yourself and what you want from a relationship. Is it losing the chance to be with that person that hurts, or the rejection itself that is painful? Would you change anything about the situation given the chance, or did the rejection come from being true to yourself and what you want in a partner? Try journaling your thoughts or discussing them with a friend or therapist to learn about your own emotions when it comes to rejection, and how you can be better placed to deal with it in future.
       
      6. What you still have to offer
      Rejection can be a blow to self-esteem and confidence. Avoid becoming too caught up in negative emotions by focusing on what you have to offer. Make a list of all of the best things about you and the reasons why you were hopeful for success in the first place. Revisit this every time that you doubt yourself or fear rejection as a reminder that you deserve a shot.
       
      7. That fearing rejection will hold you back
      A fear of rejection can easily become what stops us from asking out someone we really like, applying for a dream job or internship, or attempting to achieve our goals. That emotion that you’re feeling right now? Really feel it. Get comfortable with it. Remember that it isn’t the worst feeling in the world. Learning to be OK with rejection will set you up for success in the future. There will be a time when the answer is yes. Make sure that you’re ready when it comes. More