lifestyle and culture

As a child, I was always quite persuasive. I could charm almost any adult into giving me an ice cream cone or letting me stay at the park for another five minutes. I seemed to have no problem asking for what I wanted, offering something in exchange (usually the promise of good behavior), and getting the goods. Life was good. I felt like I had some kind of superpower, and I loved it. 
You’d think this skill would have naturally followed me into adulthood, where I became a ruthless lawyer, negotiating anything and everything with ease and confidence. Well, unfortunately, that wasn’t the case. I never made it to law school. (Marketing was more my style!) And I definitely wouldn’t consider myself to be a killer negotiator today. One day at work, I was struggling to articulate why I thought I’d be great for a new project. Then, I had a realization: The idea of negotiating anything made my stomach drop—whether negotiating my starting salary at a new job or the restaurant I wanted to go to with girlfriends. What happened to all of my youthful confidence?
I decided I wanted to get my mojo back and learn how I could get better at the art of persuasion. So, I reached out to Fotini Iconomopoulos, a negotiation expert who has worked with everyone from top-level executives to new graduates. I learned her best negotiation tips, why so many women avoid negotiating, and how we can all become better at it.

Practice your skills in low-risk situations
To start off, Iconomopoulos emphasized that while most people think of negotiation in asking for a raise at work or a lower price on a car, it can extend to almost anything. She explained, “You could be negotiating with your partner about where to take your next vacation or who will empty the dishwasher. You could be negotiating for space on public transportation or with a peer about workloads. You negotiate everywhere all the time!”
This is especially true when it comes to people who interact with children. (Aha! Suddenly my childhood experiences all make sense.) “Anyone who spends time around kids knows the power of negotiating. You navigate situations with them the same way you would navigate any discussion. You go in with an attitude of curiosity and listening while setting expectations for what you need to work together,” Iconomopoulos said. In this case, trying to get a toddler to eat broccoli is not that different from trying to get a colleague to pull his weight at work. Since we’re engaging in these micro-negotiations all the time, we can practice honing our skills in low-stake situations. Therefore, we’re more prepared—and less intimidated—by the bigger things.

Be strategic
As much as we wish it weren’t true, negotiations can quickly go off the rails. When I asked Iconomopoulos what could appear in a negotiation, she highlighted that unfortunately, gender bias is sometimes still present. “Women may be perceived as greedy or aggressive when it’s unwarranted,” she said. But don’t fret—it’s not all doom and gloom! There are things you can do to combat this. It all comes down to preparation.
Approach the conversation in an assertive yet productive way. “This doesn’t mean suppressing emotions or holding back from negotiating, but using productive language and asking pointed questions,” Iconomopoulos said. She explained how asking open-ended questions and giving room for pause after speaking are parts of a master negotiator toolkit. “It also means finding allies wherever possible to help remove obstacles,” she elaborated. Add this to the growing list of reasons why you need a sponsor in your corner. Fostering connections at work is always a good idea. But it is especially key when preparing for things like raises, promotions, and responsibility changes.

Do your homework
While negotiating isn’t always about money, it’s usually the first thing that comes to mind. I’ve had some great negotiations where I went in prepared and got a sizable bump in pay—yay! I’ve also had some not-so-great negotiations where I couldn’t think properly and fumbled over my words. (AKA, I felt the opposite of confidence.)
Fotini Iconomopoulos reinforced that preparation is truly the key to success here. “Knowledge is power, so know what the market is paying, what similar companies are paying, how you compare to other candidates, and so on,” she said. When it comes to presenting a number, Iconomopoulos advocates for shooting for the (research-backed) moon. “Be aspirational in your ask. It’s easy to back off of your opening offer, but it’s harder to go back and increase the ask later if you end up regretting the original number you gave.” Take this as the encouragement you need to add on that extra 10%. You deserve it! 
Then, there’s the age-old question: Should you anchor the negotiation with your desired salary or let a recruiter or HR set the pace? Iconomopoulos recommends taking the reins. “If you’ve done your homework, don’t be afraid to anchor your expectations first. Most people worry about putting their offer on the table first, but there are advantages that you don’t want to miss,” she said. Those advantages include coming across as knowledgeable and confident. Of course, you’re also setting yourself up for a result you’ll be happy with.
In terms of how to make your ask, Iconomopoulos shared her go-to language with clients: “Based on [insert reasons why you know you would be valuable to the team] and what similar experience is paid in the market, I would expect [insert the desired salary] compensation for this role.” Then, pause to see what their response is. Try not to fill the silence by offering conditions or justifications for your ask. (That comes later if it’s needed!) I know this is the scary part. But if you’ve done your homework, you’re already in the best possible spot for success!

Source: Color Joy Stock

Know how to handle bumps along the way
Once you get some negotiating experience under your belt, it’ll start becoming more natural. Then, you’ll be able to tell when things are going your way. But in the meantime, it can help to know some common concerns. The fear of damaging relationships is a common concern that Iconomopoulos mentioned. Coming across as demanding or greedy when you’re trying to project confidence is also one of the most common worries.
“But the truth is, you can conduct negotiations with diplomacy and tact and maintain, if not strengthen, relationships,” Iconomopoulos said. Respecting yourself enough to even have the conversation encourages other people to take you seriously. This is especially true when you come to the table with well-prepared arguments. (If you present yourself well in a negotiation situation, imagine what you can do when presenting to a potential client or investor!)
But what about when you do your homework, practice your pitch, and wear your best power outfit, only to end up getting the dreaded “it’s just not in the cards right now” response? “Sometimes, despite our best efforts, rejection happens,” shared Iconomopoulos. “It may bruise your ego for a while, but when handled with tact and with a backup plan in place, it’s not so terrible.” Your backup plan can include asking for non-salary perks like more time off or increased working-from-home benefits. It could also include a follow-up conversation in a few months to ask again. Or, perhaps, you ask for a title or responsibility change.
Ultimately, Iconomopoulos reassured me that the rejection “can actually bring self-confidence from asserting oneself and can help to gain the respect of others,” which doesn’t sound too bad at the end of the day. As someone who has experienced rejection during a salary negotiation before, trust me when I say that what doesn’t kill you makes you—and your future negotiations—stronger. (But some ice cream and retail therapy can help ease the immediate wound.)

Remember: It all comes down to confidence
You can have all the research, know the comparables, and have a spreadsheet a mile long with your recent accomplishments. Yet, there’s one thing that people are often missing when they enter a negotiation. “Your mindset has to be in the right place,” shared Iconomopoulos. “You can psych yourself up, or you can psych yourself out.” Now’s the time to blast some Lizzo, wear your favorite heels, and tell yourself that you deserve this. Then, believe it!
Iconomopoulos advises her clients to ask themselves two questions before they go into the conversation: “If I don’t stand up for myself and go after this, who else will?” and “Don’t I deserve what I’m going after?” These questions are powerful reminders that nobody will advocate for you if you don’t advocate for yourself. You need to believe you are deserving of more money, time off, or the vacation destination of your dreams before you can convince someone else of it.
Iconomopoulos’s final piece of advice is to channel that nervous energy into enthusiasm. “Instead of telling yourself that you’re nervous, turn that nervous energy into a more productive energy by telling yourself that you’re excited to finally get what you want. Your brain will thank you for it… and so will your bank account!”

Want a Raise? Here’s Exactly How To Ask Your Boss More

I chased the idea of finding my dream job and life for a long time—and changed my mind a lot along the way. Once I finally settled on something, figuring out how to get there was just as overwhelming. All I could find were tips for being efficient at work, setting boundaries, and providing value to your employer. And while all of these are vital for moving forward in our careers, I was looking for tangible steps to help me move closer to my dream. 
I sat down with Paige Schmidt, a certified life coach for women with 10+ years of experience, to discuss her top tips for moving forward in your career and life in a way that feels aligned with the woman you want to be. She focuses on intuitive eating, mindset and financial coaching, and all-around aligned living. Believe me. You don’t want to miss this. So, how do you move closer to your dream career and life? Let’s dive in.

1. Explore what you want
When trying to figure out what your dream career is, you might focus on figuring out your “purpose” or “passion.” They’re the buzzwords we’ve heard our entire lives, but finding them is way easier said than done.
Schmidt takes a more simplified approach. She recommends we shift the script. The words “purpose” and “passion” can feel daunting. What if we changed those? What if, instead of beating our heads against a wall to find our “true life calling,” we instead focused on what is meaningful and fun? By replacing “purpose” with “meaningful,” and “passion” with “fun,” we open an entirely new world for ourselves to explore.
By doing this, we are removing the pressure we have put on ourselves to find the one thing we were meant to do. We are removing the pressure to get it “right.” Instead, we can explore what lights us up. Ask yourself: What would you do for free? What would you do until 2 a.m. just because you want to? Then, do that.
The proof is in the pudding. Paige Schmidt’s coaching business was born from her love of blogging which she stumbled upon while going to school for nursing. By following her joy for blogging and sharing, she started connecting with women and, over time, realized she wanted to do that more by coaching one-on-one.

2. Visualize what you want
It’s time to take it a step further. Once you’ve relieved the pressure and allowed yourself to explore, it’s time to visualize. Whether you just figured out what lights you up or you’ve known all along, visualization is a key piece to the puzzle. According to Schmidt, one of the most important steps to your dream career is to visualize who you are as the woman you want to be. 
Before she became a coach and built her business, Schmidt visualized what that would look like. She saw the exact pens, the computer bag, and folders she would use for her clients. Then, she went out and bought those things so that she could, over time, become the person she wanted to be.
So, grab your beverage of choice, get cozy, and dive into the world of your dreams. With a pen and paper, get detailed on what it is you want. What is your future self wearing? What does her hair look like? How does she feel? Write it all down. As you’re doing this, let go of the judgment of others and of yourself. (Remember: People will always judge no matter what you do.) Explore without limits. 
After years of experience and bringing her own visualization to life, Schmidt believes that the reality of what we can achieve is immensely greater than what we can see for ourselves. So, dare to dream big. Remove your limits. If you need somewhere to start, check out this guided visualization which is one of Schmidt’s most highly rated tools!

3. Become the manager of your future self
Once you define what you want your future to look like, it’s time to take serious action. You must make a choice to become the woman you want to be. And you must decide that you are capable of becoming her. 
It’s not that you must have all the answers to get started, but you must commit to figuring it out along the way. Once you’ve committed to not giving up, you need to be the manager of your future self. Do this by organizing and planning your days to set yourself up for success. So, how do you go about that? Here are the steps Paige Schmidt took in her own journey and what she coaches clients on today:

Source: Monstera | Pexels

1. Write out a list of what you need to do. 
For Schmidt, this list included what exact pens and folders she needed and also the first steps she’d need to take to make her dream happen. This doesn’t have to be insanely detailed. In fact, one of the largest roadblocks she sees with clients is that they think they must know every single detail in order to begin. Write down the first three things you need to do. Then next week, add three more. It’s a marathon, not a sprint.

2. Add the list to your calendar.
It’s important to physically add these items to whatever form of organization you use. We all know how easily to-dos can get lost when they’re not our main source of income or part of our normal routine. So schedule in time—even if it’s just 15 minutes each week!

3. Take these commitments seriously.
Just as she wouldn’t bail on a friend or not show up for a workday, Schmidt honored herself by prioritizing what she wanted. Don’t let yourself down by not prioritizing these tasks. Make the time and stick to it.

4. Over time, prioritize more of these commitments as you learn to free up your schedule.
Give your future self the time you deserve. Schmidt started by dedicating three hours one day a week to coaching. As she got more comfortable and was able to free up more of her time, it turned to two days, then three, and so on. It doesn’t have to be all at once. Take it one bite at a time.

5. Keep your income from your “normal” job—and find the good in it!
Sometimes, if there is pressure to make your dream career your only income, the creativity that comes from doing what lights you up can get lost. If possible, it’s important to keep income coming in from elsewhere as you build your dream or as you apply for your dream job. This will alleviate some of that pressure and allow you to see where your creativity takes you.
Equally important is finding gratitude in your day job while you build what you ultimately want. It’s easy for many of us to lose sight of the “good” in our jobs when we know we want something different. But being disengaged causes clutter in your life, and sooner than later, your job will feel like a burden. This can cause negative energy that’s not good for your creativity! In order to continue to engage in your job, Schmidt recommends finding even one thing you enjoy, or that’s helping you for your future. Then, lean into that as much as possible to find that gratitude.

4. As cheesy as it sounds, believe in yourself
Hands down, the biggest thing Schmidt sees holding women back is their confidence. You must believe you can become the woman you want to be and step into your dream career in small steps. In other words, you must show up as her as much as you can today. 
It is easy to see people on social media or elsewhere that have done your dream career or other careers telling you that there is one perfect way to do it. But the truth is, there is no right or wrong way. As long as you move forward into what you want, that is all that matters.
You must learn to trust your inner self and follow what you want. Coaching was not a “normal” career when Schmidt started. It was not easy to give up pursuing nursing in order to step into the unknown. But she did it, and you can do it too.

5. Bring it all together
If you’re ready to take the next step and finally go for what you want or explore what exactly that is, take it one step at a time.

Explore what lights you up.
Visualize who you want to be.
Become the manager of your future self.
Trust yourself and stay grateful.

Unsure where to start? Grab a cup of coffee (or wine) and check out Paige Schmidt’s free visualization to see where your imagination takes you. And remember, go toward what makes you feel on fire. Keep going until you get there. Be resourceful and figure it out along the way! 

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