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      Why Losing Weight Didn’t Make Me Love Myself More (And What Actually Did)

      by

      Every woman has a different story about the relationship she has with her body. Many of these “body stories” are dramas full of ups and downs that could rival Game of Thrones, while others are more like a happy rom-com. But most often, our body stories are individualized, private, and can stop us from feeling true self-love and acceptance. As a health coach, I’ve had the privilege to learn about and help heal other women’s stories. While every woman’s body story is vastly different, here’s mine:I was one of the lucky ones. My mother never commented on my weight or the way I looked. She called me kind, smart, and talented, and never once referred to the size of my body. I grew up with the mentality that who I was defined me, not what I looked like. However, even my mother’s values and limitless support couldn’t totally protect me from how the rest of the world told women they were supposed to be.
      Body insecurities are normalized to the point that we bond with other women over poor relationships with food and putting ourselves down. I still try to channel Cady Heron in the Mean Girls scene where the only thing she could think of that she didn’t like about herself was bad breath in the morning, after the other Plastics picked apart their appearances (#selflovegoals). But the truth is that along with the strong, beautiful, funny, talented, smart women I’ve been friends with, I thought more like Regina George or Gretchen Wieners when looking at my reflection. 

      Each woman’s insecurities look a lot different. For me, my insecurities looked like the occasional, I wish this body part different, or I wish I looked like her, or Sure, I could probably afford to lose a few pounds. I’ve always called myself confident, but I was more confident in my personality than in my body. Bathing suits always made me a little self-conscious, and I was painfully aware of the pounds I gained from cafeteria food and slapping the bag at frat parties my freshman year of college (full disclosure: my freshman 15 was not just 15 pounds, and it lasted much longer than freshman year). 

      I’ve always called myself confident, but I was more confident in my personality than in my body.

      I spent my early 20s eating all the late-night pizzas I wanted and going to daily spin or Orange Theory classes, thinking it would counteract the over-indulgences (it didn’t). I attempted diets here and there, but enjoyed sushi takeout and Taco Bell too much to make any dramatic changes for the goal of weight loss. Instead, I felt a constant underlying pressure to eat better before every formal or felt guilty for “over-indulging,” whether it was dessert at the cafeteria or drinking too many glasses of Two-Buck Chuck.  

      Source: @josie.santi

      The year after I graduated from college, I moved home and started my career. I went to bed early to wake up with enough time to exercise before work, ate dinner with my parents instead of ordering takeout or going out with friends, and my weekend mornings looked like an omelet and coffee at home instead of my usual french toast and mimosa brunch. My clothes started fitting more loosely, and people started telling me I had lost weight. I like to say that I “accidentally” changed because I wasn’t even aware that anything looked different.
      If I had lost weight, shouldn’t I feel better about myself? I thought I shouldn’t have any more food guilt, and I should be happier about my appearance. It’s what I had thought for so long as the missing piece I never had the willpower to achieve, and yet, I didn’t feel any better. Flash forward a few years, and I’m more confident than I have ever been (while being a few–or 10–pounds heavier than that first year out of college). Here’s why I learned weight loss isn’t a prescription for self-love, and what made me love myself instead. 

      There’s always going to be another five pounds
      When I did lose weight, it was not the immediate sense of gratification I had expected it would be. I felt the same amount of self-consciousness, whether it was thinking I still looked bloated, noticing cellulite, or finding a new imperfection. We often think that as long as we hit a certain weight or pants size, then we’ll be happy. But more often than not, this isn’t true. Even if we get a six-pack, we would focus on the size of our thighs, or maybe start hating the bags under our eyes. There’s always going to be another imperfection when weight loss is the ultimate goal.

      There’s always going to be another imperfection when weight loss is the ultimate goal.

      Self-love is a skill, not a circumstance
      I always thought that once I had the perfect body (LOL as if that exists), all my problems would go away. Since I grew up from the 20-year-old girl tracking her calories on MyFitnessPal and light-heartedly laughing with friends about how weak our willpower is when it comes to cheese boards on wine night, I learned that a number on the scale is never the problem. The problem is that we don’t feel like we’re good enough, and that doesn’t change, even if the number on the scale does.
      Just like happiness, confidence is a skill, not a circumstance. It doesn’t come when you achieve a certain weight or pants size, because it’s something that has to be consistently worked, like any muscle. Thinking that you’ll feel more self-love when you lose a certain amount of weight is distracting you from the real problem of not feeling good enough as you are. Practice and prioritize self-love first in order to achieve a body you feel good in, not the other way around. 

      Practice and prioritize self-love first in order to achieve a body you feel good in, not the other way around. 

      Source: @josie.santi

      Everyone feels better in different body types
      While our culture trains us from an early age to believe there’s only one type of “attractiveness” we are supposed to strive for, this just isn’t true. It’s marketing, not biology. In reality, every woman does (and should) feel like her best, sexiest self in a variety of different body types. When I did lose those extra “college” pounds, I remember telling my therapist that I should feel better about myself, but something about the weight loss made me feel less feminine and confident.
      Yes, I desperately missed those same curves that I had wanted to get rid of for years. The point is that we all have different body types for a reason. Every woman’s “ideal” body should be totally different than anyone else’s. We’re often so distracted by achieving what society has told us is “perfection” that we don’t stop to think about what would actually make us feel our very best.

      Every woman’s ‘ideal’ body should be totally different than anyone else’s. We’re often so distracted by achieving what society has told us is ‘perfection’ that we don’t stop to think about what would actually make us feel our very best.

      “Weight loss” is not a sustainable way to live
      Although dieters might feel a sense of satisfaction in seeing the numbers on a scale go down, each pound lost likely requires sacrifice and suppressing cravings. The focus is on less, less, and less. Food becomes an enemy and a stressor, not something to nourish us. Restricting food, resisting cravings, and making life changes (like avoiding social settings that center around food, for example) takes a toll on mental and physical health. Yes, I lost weight, but I also dealt with a lot of anxiety that left me with less appetite, and I focused on my career much more than I focused on enjoying time with family and friends. Weight loss didn’t make my life better; it only happened because I wasn’t living my best life.
      Even though weight loss was the aftermath and not the cause, it was the one time I was “successful” at losing weight, and it did not make me any happier. I realized that nothing is worth the price tag of enjoying my life for the messy, happy series of moments it is. Those extra inches on the waistline is where life happens. It’s the extra glass of rosé on a summer rooftop, or a slice of your favorite chocolate cake when you go home to visit your mom. I realized that constantly hoping to lose weight demoted these moments to be worth nothing more than a pants size or number on a scale.

      Source: Felicia Lasala for The Everygirl

      …and 5 Things That Did Make Me Love Myself More

      I changed my goal to be healthy, not skinny
      I used to think of nutrition through the lens of calories, carbs, fats, and proteins. I obviously knew food was necessary for survival, but I also understood and saw food through labels like “good” and “bad,” or “healthy” versus “unhealthy,” because it was all about how it would make my body look. My entire outlook changed when I learned about using plants as medicine and how to eat to change how I feel. Now, my goal is to be healthy for optimal energy, to live a long life, to be my most vibrant self, and to feel happy. When I started eating to be healthy instead of skinny, I started loving my body for what it could do, instead of what it looked like.

      When I started eating to be healthy instead of skinny, I started loving my body for what it could do, instead of what it looked like.

      I focused on strength, not weight
      No, the transformation was not all mental. As much as I believe in screwing the man (in this case, damaging diet culture and societal pressure on women), and as much as I wish this is 100 percent about internal mindset, the truth is that’s just 90 percent of it. The other 10 percent of achieving self-love came from how I felt physically in my body. I’ve always loved exercising and knew I felt better overall when I was consistently moving, but I would also work out for calorie burn. I loved classes that tracked how many calories I burned, as if that’s what made a tough workout worth it.
      When my self-love changed, so did my workouts. I learned there are thousands of reasons to work out, but weight loss isn’t one of them. Now, I work out to make my muscles stronger and to feel more powerful in my physical self. I started eating to get more energy and as fuel for workouts. I became addicted to feeling powerful and strong, rather than hoping to feel smaller. 

      Source: @josie.santi

      Actually prioritizing self-love
      This one sounds like a no-brainer (you felt self-love by prioritizing self-love? Revolutionary!). But surprisingly, so often when we are hell-bent on losing weight, we’re promoting weight loss over self-love, thinking that the two don’t conflict. Instead of restrictive eating, calorie counting, and labeling foods as “good” or “bad,” prioritize self-love by being compassionate to what your body wants. Eat intuitively, not restrictively. Prioritizing self-love means you choose to leave behind whatever is unhealthy for you, whether it’s relationships, jobs, or your own beliefs and habits that aren’t letting you be happy.

      Prioritizing self-love means you choose to leave behind whatever is unhealthy for you, whether it’s relationships, jobs, or your own beliefs and habits that aren’t letting you be happy.

      Knowing that the way I looked was not an accomplishment
      I’ve always been a big self-improvement girl: self-help books are my guilty pleasure, and my daily affirmation is always about showing up as my highest self. But perhaps the greatest shift in my self-love came when I stopped associating being a better version of myself with having a better body. Now, when I feel insecurity come up (because it still does, I swear!), I remind myself that my best self has nothing to do with a breakout, a patch of cellulite, or gaining a few pounds.
      When I notice myself looking in the mirror and thinking something negative, it’s a sign that I’ve been too focused on myself. My fix? Call up a friend to see how they are, donate to an organization, or tell my boyfriend what I love about him (you’re welcome for my selflessness, boyfriend). Not only does it help me to get outside myself, but it reminds me that I do like the kind, compassionate person I am. Now that’s a real accomplishment. 

      Source: @josie.santi

      Focusing on what makes me “big”
      I think everything clicked for me when I realized I was constantly trying to shrink myself, rather than feeling justified for the space I take up in this world. Instead, I want to love what’s big: in body, in personality, in love, in altruism, in voice, in confidence, in aspirations. In the end, weight loss is not the secret to success, a relationship, or happiness; it’s an endless goal that keeps us from achieving everything we want in life because we don’t think we deserve it yet.
      I had been so focused on being smaller for so long that I forgot to love what’s big in me. Now, I consistently remind myself to love everything from my loud laugh to my lofty goals. My advice to you, dear readers, is to love your bigness so much, the world can no longer point at you and call you small.  More

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      8 Outdated Rules for Healthy Eating That We’re Ditching

      by

      We grow up learning a lot of food rules that we believe as fact. Maybe you’ve experienced some form of self-prescribed dieting, or you depended on rules to make healthy decisions (I know I certainly have). You try your best to eat healthy because you know you’re supposed to. But imagine a different approach to healthy eating, one that isn’t focused on numbers, news, or the latest diet trend. Instead, imagine knowing your body so well you know what it needs and feel guilt-free eating what it wants. The truth is that a lot of those food rules we have always believed as fact are stopping us from achieving true health and food freedom. Here are eight of them that we’re completely getting rid of (and three that we’re living by instead). 

      Source: Social Squares

      1. Some foods are “good” and some foods are “bad”
      Every food is predefined into labels of “good” and “bad” by our culture. We grow up understanding that a stalk of celery is a “good” food, a slice of pizza is a “bad” food, and there is always an “evil” nutrient we turn into a public enemy (like carbs, saturated fats, or sugar). However, when we put a moral value on foods, what’s meant to nourish us becomes associated with guilt. Of course, some foods have more nutritional value than others. A plate of spinach will provide your body with more nutrients than a Twinkie, but you’re not “bad” when you do want to eat a Twinkie. Rid yourself of food guilt and listen to your body to decide what you need (not what you “should” or “shouldn’t” eat). 

      2. You should eat everything on your plate
      As children, many of us were praised for joining the clean plate club and guilted if we didn’t. We had to sit at the table until we finished eating, or we were told wasting food was wrong. As well-intentioned as our parents may have been, this mentality sticks with us as adults. We base serving sizes off of what’s in front of us, instead of what our bodies need. Rather than eating a portion that someone else recommends (whether it’s your mom, a restaurant, or the recommendations on the box), eat until you’re satisfied. Newsflash: we’re not supposed to eat until we’re full, and certainly not until we’re “stuffed” (Thanksgiving dinner is the exception, of course). Eat slowly and mindfully, so you’re aware when you’re no longer enjoying your food and just eating out of habit because it’s in front of you. 

      Source: Social Squares

      3. Avoid fruits and white potatoes (they have too many carbs)
      “Carb” is not a dirty word; it’s actually an important nutrient that the body needs for many crucial functions like energy. Even carbohydrates like potatoes and fruit are loaded with essential nutrients that will help the body to thrive. White potatoes (yes, the kind found in hash browns) are full of vitamin C, fiber, and contain more potassium than a banana. Fruits are one of the most plentiful sources of vitamins and minerals, and offer a wide range of health-boosting antioxidants. Bottom line: you should never be afraid of or avoid any whole foods from the earth. That’s what we’re meant to eat, and our bodies will respond accordingly. 

      4. Read the nutrition labels on everything you eat
      You should absolutely be informed about everything you eat. I do believe everyone should know how to read a nutrition label (and if you don’t, HMU). We shouldn’t be tricked into believing a bowl of a certain cereal is a nutritious breakfast when it has more grams of sugar and artificial ingredients than a candy bar, so that part I stand by. However, the outdated food rule I’m thinking of actually comes from Mean Girls. Regina George asks the other Plastics what percentage fat is from the calories of a food she’s thinking of eating. Even though the line, “whatever, I’m getting cheese fries,” is iconic, this is when we should stop reading nutrition labels.
      If you’re going to indulge, enjoy it without having to see how many calories or grams of fat it will cost. This just leads to more food guilt and an inability to be intuitive. Rather than reading every nutrition label to eat healthier, we should be aiming to eat more foods without a nutrition label at all. Stop worrying about the numbers, and start focusing on nutrients (but more on that below!). 

      Source: @kayla_seah

      5. You shouldn’t eat dessert every day
      Life is short, so let them eat cake! (Yes, I did just combine two well-known sayings that make perfect sense together, thank you very much.) A lot of us have a sweet tooth, or for others, eating something sweet signals that the meal is over. And guess what: both are OK. If you crave dessert but don’t let yourself eat it, or if you eat it and then feel endlessly guilty afterward, this will only lead to bingeing and a bad relationship with food. If you want dessert, eat it (yes, even if that means every single day). The trick is to find things that satisfy your sweet tooth while also giving your body added benefits and better nutrients. Try nut butter and apple slices, dark chocolate, or meal-prep one of these delicious plant-based desserts for the week. 

      6. Have five small meals a day instead of three larger meals (or that you have to have three meals a day)
      I first heard the advice to eat five small meals throughout the day when I was in high school. The suggestion came from a good place; you definitely shouldn’t wait to eat until you’re so hungry you feel weak (or worse, hangry). But thinking that multiple small meals a day would be better for me than three larger ones, I wouldn’t let myself eat as much as I wanted or wouldn’t feel hungry for my next meal if I did eat a “bigger” snack (AKA a small meal). My body was constantly confused and never really satisfied. Since then, I’ve learned that three meals work perfectly for me. I never feel the need to snack, and instead just eat enough filling, fiber-rich foods so I’m satisfied until the next meal. 
      My point is not that you should eat three meals a day. Many people don’t like to eat breakfast and prefer two meals a day. Other people feel best when they’re snacking throughout the day, and some people are more energized when eating five smaller meals. Instead of promoting one over the other, my point is that you should eat when you’re hungry. Find the amount, time, and method of eating that works best for your body and lifestyle. 

      Source: @sivanayla

      7. You should resist cravings
      I always recommend intuitive eating and listening to your body, but a lot of people will tell me that if they “listened to their body,” they would only eat boxed mac n’ cheese, pizza, Doritos, and cookies all day. Even if that’s what you think your body wants to eat, you’re listening to the ingrained food rules that have taught you certain foods are “off-limits” and, therefore, more attractive (it’s true for bad boys, and it’s true for food). But when you forget the aforementioned food rules and stop thinking cravings are the enemy, the truth is that you’ll crave a combo of fruits, vegetables, whole grains, and yes, some “less nutritious” food here and there, which–believe it or not–is absolutely OK. 
      Your body is incredibly smart (I promise). Cravings are how your body is communicating with you that it needs something, not an attempt to sabotage your health goals. Whatever you’re craving, get creative and DIY an option that will be more nutritious and make your body feel better. Feeding cravings actually helps give more clarity to what our bodies need—because if we don’t feed them, they’ll only get stronger. 

      8. We need experts to tell us how to eat
      If you feel overwhelmed by which diet to try or which expert to listen to, that’s not on accident. In order to sell you on limitless products and programs, you have to feel like your health is not in your control. The truth is that bodies are not one-size-fits-all, and therefore, there’s no one-size-fits-all diet. Every body is different, with individualized nutritional requirements. Just like we all have different personality traits, we all have different food needs. What works for one person (even if they are an “expert”) may not work for you. Get curious about nutrition, educate yourself on how to eat the best nourishment, and talk to your doctor about what diet and lifestyle is best for you, but listen to your body more than you listen to outside advice.

      1. Count nutrients, not calories
      When we count calories, we approach eating from a place of lack and deprivation. But when we’re aware of the nutrients that foods have and what those nutrients do for our bodies (give us energy, boost skin glow, reduce inflammation, etc.), we come from a place of abundance and nourishment. Focusing on eating more plants and whole foods filled with nutrients can also subconsciously crowd out processed and sugary foods (totally guilt-free). Think of adding more foods into your diet (like adding leafy greens to two meals a day or eating berries with breakfast), rather than subtracting foods (like no dairy, no processed foods, etc.). 

      Source: @loveandlemons

      2. Eat your colors
      My entire wardrobe may only consist of neutrals, but when it comes to what’s on my plate, I like to load up on every color of the rainbow. The colors of plants come from the different phytochemical antioxidants they contain. Eating fruits and vegetables in a wide variety of colors ensures we’re getting a wider variety of antioxidants. If your meal is looking as monochrome as your stay-at-home #OOTD, add a little color with fruits and vegetables. For example, if you’re having pasta, throw in some cherry tomatoes (red) and kale (green). If your salad is just a lot of leafy greens and avocado, good for you for getting in your veggies, but consider adding in some sweet potato and purple cabbage for a wider variety of nutrients. 

      3. Make mealtime sacred
      Many of us think we’re supposed to eat purely for health and are cursed by the pleasure aspect that comes with food (lust and gluttony, after all, are two of the seven deadly sins, and things I feel regularly when a truffle mac ‘n’ cheese is in front of me). “On-the-go” is a popular recipe trend, and a rise in fast food over the past 50 years is no coincidence: we want to eat as quickly as possible. But the truth is that we don’t just eat to survive. We eat for enjoyment, for social connection, for meaningful ritual, and these days, we often eat because we need a break (Find yourself stress snacking during work? Your body might be telling you to take a break).
      I get it: sometimes busy mornings call for tossing back a smoothie, or you need to take your lunch on-the-go. But whenever you can, make your mealtime sacred. Turn off the TV, close the laptop (yes, that means taking a real lunch break), and actually enjoy the food you get to eat. Use mealtime as a mindfulness practice, a way to reconnect with loved ones, and a much-needed break.  More

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      Carbs Aren’t the Enemy—These Healthy Recipes Prove It

      by

      Can you eat a healthy diet and still eat carbs? Well, to be fair, part of that depends on your definition of “healthy,” but experts suggest that you should focus on the quality of what you’re eating, rather than trying to cut them out entirely, according to Harvard Men’s Health Watch. Carbs definitely have a place in my diet, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t care about trying to make good choices—at least, much of the time. If you, like me, don’t feel like cutting out carbs is right for you, but you still want to eat healthy, try one of these 22 recipes, which prove that healthy recipes with carbs are totally possible—and absolutely delicious.

      Source: By Erin Clarke of Well Plated

      Source: Foodie Crush

      Source: Isabel Eats

      Source: Jessica in the Kitchen

      Source: What’s Gaby Cooking

      Source: Two Peas and Their Pod

      Source: Sweet Potato Soul

      Source: Ambitious Kitchen

      Source: Platings and Pairings

      Source: My Food Story

      Source: Two Peas and Their Pod

      Source: Pinch of Yum

      Source: Isabel Eats

      Source: Sweet Potato Soul

      Source: Snixy Kitchen

      Source: Gimme Some Oven

      Source: My Food Story

      Source: Platings and Pairings

      Source: Jessica in the Kitchen

      Source: Ambitious Kitchen

      Source: Pinch of Yum

      Source: Orchids + Sweet Tea More

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      The 5 Daily Goals Keeping Me Sane in 2020

      by

      Five daily goals might seem like a heavy lift in 2020. This year, some big picture dreams, like saving for a home or climbing the corporate ladder, might feel further afield. (But the good news is that small, actionable steps are the only way we actually achieve our big goals anyway.)I start every day by jotting down these five things in my day planner. In aggregate, it may feel like a lot. But each of these can be broken down to their smallest selves and still have impact. Checking them off throughout the day gives a major sense of accomplishment during an otherwise really distracting year.
      And science shows that is not just for us list lovers. Dopamine is released every time we check something off of a list, reinforcing our mind’s willingness to do that task again, and helping cement the habit. I’m also loving planners from female-founded small businesses, The Daily Page and Silk and Sonder, both of which have habit tracking built right into your other scheduling needs. 

      1. Meditation
      Short, daily meditation is the cornerstone of my 2020 wellness. The optimal amount of meditation time is up for debate. But, some meditation studies show that consistent, smaller sessions produce better results than a larger block of time.
      This news is comforting, because most days all I can manage is a short 5-10 minute stretch of quiet and focus. Apps like Headspace are well known for their excellent variety of meditations. I’ve also been turning to the free app Insight Timer and it’s been fun to explore the more informal and wide varieties of global takes on music, messages, and meditation.

      2. Movement
      There is a reason this doesn’t say “work out.” Staring at a “to-do” that used to represent beloved classes, some much-needed gym time, or a long run just isn’t a motivator for me right now. It feels much more achievable to commit to move, every day, even for just a little bit.
      Some days this takes the form of stretching while I’m on a conference call. Others it means going on a walk while I listen to an industry webinar. And on my best days, I’m setting up shop with my home gym and exploring new favorite at-home workouts.

      3. Vitamins and supplements
      Vitamins and supplements are a super personal choice, and should be tailored to our particular health or wellness considerations. I have a little line up of collagen, a multi-vitamin, and a few other supplements that after a lot of trial and error, I’ve found work for my daily routine.
      Making this a daily goal feels like an easy win because it’s baked into a series of other things I’m always sure to do in the morning, like grabbing coffee and making my bed. It also reminds me that in small steps, I’m working toward larger wellness goals, and it encourages me to be sure I’m fueling up my body as effectively as possible the rest of the day.

      4. Money management
      Reviewing my checking account every day is a financial behavioral change that has yielded big results for me. I can easily lapse into being an “avoider” on my financial wellness, especially when things feel uncertain. Being home more means I’ve had fewer excuses around tending to personal admin. Truly understanding your holistic financial picture, even when you’re in the middle of tough times, is a key piece of money management.
      I have gotten this down to a five-minute review, either first thing in the morning before I start my work day or just as I’m wrapping up at night. It literally takes me just moments to kick open my banking app and scan for any unexpected charges, update a bill pay, or send a few dollars to savings. Some apps like YNAB even make a daily check in explicit as part of managing your budget, highlighting that it’s a key cornerstone to achieving bigger financial goals.

      5. Networking
      My fellow introverts are probably cringing hard now. Networking in the best of times can feel like a heavy lift, so doing it daily might feel impossible. But I’m finding that again, taking the very smallest molecule of this task and giving myself wide room for how to interpret it feels like a success. My goal here is that relationships don’t languish while we’re all socially distant and to stay in touch with key contacts, especially if the economy and job security feels less stable.
      I’m also taking advantage of our virtual-first world. It makes it easier to cold pitch an introduction on LinkedIn, or join webinars and follow up with notes to the host. On my most energized days, I try to think of two people in my network who might not know each other, and introduce them over an article or piece of content I found interesting that they may both enjoy.

      What are your daily cornerstones of wellness and productivity?  More

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      8 Sex Toys So Mind-Blowing, You’ll Want to Gift One to Your BFF

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      It’s a common fact that I’m an astounding gift-giver. I’m really attentive to people’s tastes; when I shop, I can see exactly what I think my friends and family would adore. But I’m rarely asked about my favorite gift I’ve ever received, which is maybe lucky because the answer is 100 percent a vibrator. Buying yourself a vibrator is a self-care choice, but buying one for your best friend is the sign of true companionship. The first step to de-stigmatizing sex for women (stream “WAP” by Cardi B and Megan Thee Stallion, people) and using sex toys, whether alone or with a partner, starts with you. Show your friends that sex toys are fun and exciting and not something they should be afraid of. So whether you’re introducing your friend to the vast world of vibrators or surprising them with a little something to brighten their day (or night, or mid-afternoon, or lunch break—we don’t judge), these sex toys will do it. Friends don’t let friends use crusty old vibrators from boyfriends past, so be a true friend with one of these magical treats.

      Mini G-Spot Vibrator

      HELLO, WORLD. I would like to introduce you to my newest discovery: Nasty Gal (yes, one of our favorite retailers for clothes) sells sex toys. *cue my happy dance* Grabbing yourself a new blazer or loungewear set for the fall? Add this little vibe with it (and maybe grab one for yourself too). This G-spot vibrator is biodegradable (love) and has multiple speeds. But I really should only have to say it’s currently on sale for $12…

      Joy Rabbit Vibrator

      First of all, I want to shoutout Rodeoh, a line made by and for women with a focus on comfortable harnesses, particularly for queer women. It’s the most LGBTQ+-friendly site I’ve found for sex toys, lingerie, harnesses, dildos, and more. I also have to mention I love that they offer plus-size harnesses too! But onto what you came for: this rabbit vibrator is designed for both clitoral and vaginal stimulation, has 12 speeds, and is quiet and waterproof. Your BFF will love the vibe, but love the brand even better.

      Bodystar Vibrator

      Another vibrator obsession I found on Nasty Gal, this little star is perfect for the friend who’s just getting into sex toys but is a little afraid to dive into some of the others on this list (but by all means, get her the butt plug too if that’s the kind of friend you are—it’s the kind of friend I am).

      Massage Wand Vibrator

      A classic wand vibe should be on everyone’s wishlist, so why not surprise your BFF with it? There’s a reason a wand vibe like this is the muse of art, music, comedy, and more: it’s outrageous and extremely effective. For the most intense clitoral orgasms, this will be your favorite.

      Tenga Iroha Mini Vibrator

      This vibrator lands on this list as an editor-favorite because it’s so discreet. Not that we’re traveling all the much anymore, but you’ll love this to throw in your bag, whether you’re jet-setting across the country or across town to see your partner. But don’t let the small size fool you; it’s ultra-powerful and waterproof.

      Beginner’s Butt Plug

      Invite your friend into the land of sunshine, rainbows, and anal play with a beginner’s butt plug like this. It’s pink, non-threatening, and easy to use. Add in a little bit of lube (our favorite is below!), and she’s about to have a grand ole time.

      Pride Heart of Gold Dildo

      Show your BFF the magic of a dildo! Many of us can only picture what a dildo looks like, and it’s usually a little jarring if not uncomfortable for some. But there are non-realistic dildos out there that are perfect to use alone or with a partner.

      Nécessaire
      The Sex Gel

      If you’re a little unsure about giving your BFF a toy, a sophisticated, vanity-friendly lube like this one makes the cut for sure. Nécessaire has taken over our Instagram feeds with their chic body washes and lotions, but my favorite product in their line is this lubricant. It takes the shame and stress out of lube and instead makes it a whole nightstand moment. It’s a water-based lube that works with all of the toys above, during sex, or whatever the heck you’re into. Add it to your next Nordstrom order, and thank me later. More

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      in health and weelbeing

      Everything You Need to Know About ASMR and Reducing Stress

      by

      I vividly remember my many nights of sinking into the depths of the lounge chair in my sophomore year dorm’s hallway, hoodie-laden and hunched over my computer screen, binging The Vampire Diaries at 2am (team Katherine if anyone asks). I’ve always been a bit of a night owl, but my insomnia had gotten so out of hand that year, even my peers took notice.When Jason (from across the hall) finally decided to be the one to ask me about my many sleepless nights, he recommended I try out this thing called “ASMR.” Having never heard of it, I stared at him blankly before asking him to explain it to me, and proceeded to switch my laptop screen from TVD to a video of a woman making 3D sounds from props in a candlelit room.
      …Cut to now, having Cardi B lull me to sleep on the reg as she slowly waves her freshly-manicured nails up and down my phone screen while delicately whispering okurrr into my (and 41 million others’) ears.
      ASMR, short for Autonomous Sensory Meridian Response, has quickly become my go-to method of winding down at night to help me fall asleep, and has honestly done wonders for my mental health, especially during these past few months. Curious about if this phenomenon—that I’ve often heard described as “oddly satisfying,” “strangely relaxing,” and “borderline erotic”—could work for you? Let’s dive in.

      What is ASMR? 
      If you’ve never heard of this concept before, you might be visualizing me as an alien with some sort of sixth sense that just doesn’t add up. ASMR is best described as a feeling of positive well-being that is usually combined with a physical sensation that simply makes you feel good. These feelings and sensations—referred to as tingles in the world of ASMR— are results of various stimuli, or triggers (audio and visual cues) that heighten all of your senses. The Washington Post described the reaction as “a pleasurable tingling that begins in the head and scalp, shimmies down the spine and relaxes the entire body.”
      Remember the feeling of the slight combing of your hair when you’d have that annual lice check at school, or having a bedtime story softy read to you as a kid, or being annoyed—yet strangely satisfied—by hearing someone smack their gum, or simply watching Bob Ross paint? If you felt ~some type of way~  at any of those moments, those were tingles, my friend. 
      ASMR is not necessarily something you have, but more something that you can be receptive to. Tons of YouTube videos exist to create the triggers people desire to feel tingles and that sense of well-being, but many might notice that when they watch or listen to them, they might not have the same reaction. Some may just feel a sense of drowsiness and relaxation rather than a physical tingle, while some might just not be susceptible at all. It is essentially a scale with various degrees of sensitivity.
      Triggers can take on various forms, such as specific sounds like tapping on a wooden object, watching paint be mixed, or even experiencing a role-played virtual hair salon visit. When listening to an ASMR video or audio piece (particularly with headphones), you’ll notice sounds appearing in a three-dimensional manner around you, creating a very realistic setting. Creators often utilize binaural audio with multiple microphones to achieve this effect and create that illusion that you’re experiencing situations IRL, which is why role-playing-type ASMR videos are especially popular. 
      According to the American Sleep Association, the physical and mental sensations of ASMR have always been around since humans have existed, though it wasn’t until quite recently that there was a term coined (by a woman named Jennifer Allen in 2010) to describe them. The ASA also noted that these feelings of comfort, calmness, and drowsiness are likely caused by our brains releasing certain chemicals (including endorphins, oxytocin, serotonin, and dopamine) as a response to a trigger, leaving us happy and relaxed.
      With it being a relatively new phenomenon, the amount of studies completed so far are quite limited. However, as ASMR has increased in popularity, the research and medical interest has also gone up with it, with this Swansea University study conducted in 2015 being a prime example.

      You might be wondering: Is ASMR “a sex thing?”
      So before we discuss this any further, it’s definitely worth addressing the elephant in the room: is ASMR… kind of sexual? I’ll admit that whenever I describe this phenomenon to someone who’s hearing about it for the first time, we can’t really talk about ASMR without discussing the notion that those not susceptible to it might correlate it to sex.
       “[It’s] more sensual, less fetishistic—that being said, I’m sure if you look at certain [NSFW] video sites, you can probably find some ASMR-related videos,” Ross Miller, a senior editor at The Verge, said on The Verge’s What’s Tech podcast. It creates a sense of intimacy that can technically be considered to fall into the gray area of what is sexual versus what purely involves the senses, but leans more towards the latter. 
      Real talk: as Miller pointed out, essentially everything in this world can be spun to relate to sex in some way or another. So like all else, ASMR is also ultimately left open to interpretation.

      Its rise to fame in recent years:
      From a community of over 216 thousand members on Reddit to W Magazine’s popular video series dedicated to celebrities trying it out to the emergence of in-person immersive experiences like Whisperlodge, ASMR has become a real rising star in pop culture. The hashtag #asmr on Instagram itself has over 9.2 million hits, and people are thoroughly loving discovering this way to retreat from reality into a hypnotic state of calm. 
      For many people who can’t exactly feel the tingles, ASMR has become a popular form of white noise to help soothe them to sleep. “The genre had begun to find broader appeal as a sleep aid, an alternative to guided meditation and a drug-free, online version of Xanax,” Jamie Lauren Keiles wrote for The New York Times in 2019.
      With this new form of entertainment comes the obvious: a new wave of niche celebrities. If you do a quick Google search on top “ASMRtists” (as they’re referred to), you’ll notice YouTube channels that have millions of subscribers. So many of these creators have completely transformed this notion into full-time careers, with a slew of loyal and passionate tingle-loving fans to support them.
       
      How to integrate ASMR into your wellness routine:
      Experiencing ASMR is like going to a virtual spa for your senses, and role-playing instances that make you feel calm, contented, and comfortable. From watching videos of getting a relaxing haircut or facial to listening to positive affirmations whispered to you as you drift to sleep, it creates feelings of intimacy and attentiveness that we all inherently crave—something that’s especially valued during a time in our lives where loneliness, stress, and insomnia are at an all-time high for many of us. 
      There’s no “right” method or time to try and engage in ASMR-related activities, but there are some that have proven to work for me, as well as many people I know. One of those includes making it the last step of your nighttime routine as you’re lying comfortably in bed, trying to fall asleep. Just pop on an ASMR podcast, and notice yourself drift deep into slumber. Another is to utilize it as a meditative mid-day retreat if you want to slow down and recharge your energy (perhaps even take a little nap!) by watching some videos. 
      For some, ASMR has also helped reduce stress and even alleviate pain from headaches. Though it is extremely low-risk, if you do find yourself suffering from chronic pain, anxiety, depression, or any other condition, please note that ASMR should not be used as a substitute for professional or medical intervention.

      Ready to give it a try? 
      If I’ve intrigued you enough, perhaps it’s time to give this whole thing a whirl! Dim the lights, snuggle up with your favorite blanket, put in your headphones, and test drive ASMR through these soothing and mesmerizing videos, accounts, and podcasts that might just be the gateway to your favorite new method of self-care:

      Podcasts: 
      Sleep Whispers
      The ASMR Garden
      Sleep and Relax ASMR

      YouTube Videos:
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      Instagram Accounts: More

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      4 Reasons You Shouldn’t Get Married

      by

      Getting married is a big step—they don’t call it taking the plunge for nothing. The person you choose as a life partner will, in one way or another, affect every aspect of your life: your mental health, your peace of mind, how you get through tragedies and celebrate triumphs, how your children (should you choose to have them) will be raised, and more. The weight of these aspects of your life, not to mention the countless others you’ll share with a partner, makes the advice to “choose wisely” seem like an understatement. Still, the reasons we choose a partner are numerous and complicated. Whether you’re single or in a relationship, you’ve probably heard your fair share of unsolicited marriage advice from the well-intentioned (or sometimes jaded) wedded people in your life. 
      It can be difficult to filter through this advice for nuggets of wisdom, and even more challenging to take an objective look at your own motivations and see them for what they really are. Sometimes, your real intentions are buried a few layers deep, and you need something to gently shake them to the surface for you.
      We turned to relationship experts to identify the most common reasons people choose to get married that can lead to relationship challenges down the road. But this list is 100 percent a guide; the person and reasons you choose for marriage are, ultimately, your choice. The goal is to help you make that choice a little more wisely!

      1. Are you getting married because you don’t want to end up alone?
      For someone who is afraid of ending up alone, I present this counterargument: What is scarier, ending up alone, or choosing to marry the next person who comes along simply because you’re tired of being alone—and they wind up being a terrible match for you? Both Erin Parisi, LMHC, MCAP, a licensed mental health counselor, and Heidi McBain, MA, LMFT, LPC, PMH-C, a licensed marriage and family therapist, said that this is a common concern.
      Try not to let this fear get in the way of enjoying your current season of life or how you value yourself as an individual. The fear of ending up alone is rooted in how you’re judging and valuing yourself, and your value as a person is not determined by who you’re with. Take some time to develop yourself into who you want to be first, then find someone who is excited to be with you because you’re already living your best life.

      2. Do you feel obligated to get married?
      “Once a couple has announced an engagement, news spreads, wedding planning gets into motion, and it can feel like an unstoppable, runaway train. It can be easy to get swept up in excitement at first, and block out any negative, nagging thoughts a person could have,” Parisi said. “Even if a person does start to wonder if they’re making the right choice for themselves, they may feel like saying something would disappoint too many other people.”
      The thought of breaking your spouse-to-be’s heart, disappointing your parents, losing down payments, or feeling embarrassed about retracting an engagement on social media can create enough inner turmoil that pressures you to follow through on a marriage you’re not sure you want just to save face.
      Even before an engagement, obligation can take other forms, like family members telling you “your clock is ticking” or feeling as though you “owe” your significant other a wedding date because you’ve been dating for awhile. Even watching your friends get married can trigger feelings of obligation. 
      “I think that many people feel as though they ‘should’ be getting married when the other people in their friend group are getting married,” Parisi said. Not wanting to be the third or fifth or tenth wheel all the time can affect your reasons for choosing to get married.
      Obligation can also be subtle, such as thinking of marriage as a status symbol, or a point on a made-up timeline that must be checked off. 
      Whatever it is, getting married to prove something to someone else—or even to yourself—can lead you to choose someone you might not have chosen otherwise.

      3. Are you getting married for monetary reasons or financial stability?
      “There are other benefits that come with being married, like financial or healthcare benefits, or being able to follow a partner deployed in the military, that may lead couples to get married before they are otherwise ready to do so,” Parisi explained. 
      The reality is, marrying for reasons like these may cause you to overlook major value or personality differences, stick with someone who doesn’t want the same things out of life as you do, or who doesn’t have the same expectations of marriage as you.  

      4. Are concerns about your age making you want to tie the knot?
      “Plenty of people have an idea of how they want their lives to look at certain ages, and one of the milestones for many people is marriage,” Parisi said. “For someone approaching an age they’ve identified as the age they ‘should’ be married, being married may become more important than who they’re marrying.” 
      Age aside, your own mindset about getting married can also rush you down the aisle. “Feeling ready to get married and not wanting to wait any longer for the ‘right’ person can make you feel like the person you’re with is ‘good enough,’ even though you know you are settling in some important areas to you,” McBain said.

      It can be incredibly difficult to ask ourselves these questions, let alone answer them honestly. That’s because, Parisi said, we’re emotionally invested in our relationships, which means we might not be able to see the red flags that outsiders see.  
      Plus, none of us can see into the future! We all want to hope for the best and believe the future will unfold that way, even with evidence to the contrary. Many of us even believe that marriage will magically fix existing problems, but in many cases, getting married prematurely can make them worse. 
      McBain added, “There are often positive things about the relationship, even though there are negatives, too. It can be hard to figure out if those negatives outweigh the positives. There are usually emotions around not wanting to hurt the other person as well, as you typically care about them on some level at least.”
      But if you’re reading this list and something resonates with you, know that it’s OK if you still want to get married. Only you can decide what’s right for you. Parisi and McBain both recommended counseling, both by yourself as well as with your partner, so that you have a safe space to process these emotions and figure out the best next step for you, for both of you. 
      Parisi recommended that you continue to ask questions: “What would things be like if I didn’t get married right now and/or to this person? If I changed my mind about getting married, how would I communicate that, or how would I handle the responses from other people?” You’ll be able to more objectively assess your situation, so that if you ever decide that you no longer want to be in the relationship, you’ll already know what to do.  
      While thinking through questions like these might not seem like a very romantic idea on the surface, what’s more romantic than staying with someone because you want to, and not because you have to?  More