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OK, we know that cleaning isn’t everyone’s favorite activity. It’s usually the thing we dread doing and try to hurry
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While I never want to yuck anyone’s yum, I’ll fight it to my death that foreplay can be the best part of sex if you get creative. Penetration (or however you define sex) is great and all, but foreplay is what gets you excited for the main event in the first place. There’s no time limit, you can make it entirely catered to your own experience, and it requires you to think outside of the box. If you’re looking to spice things up in the bedroom this year (add that to your New Year’s resolutions!) and try new things, the first place to start is going to be with your foreplay game. To make this foray into foreplay (I’d love to trademark that phrase if anyone knows a lawyer) this year, we’re making it extra easy by giving you a bunch of new ideas you can seriously start this weekend. Whatever you don’t do this weekend, add it to your sex bucket list!
1. Watch each other undress
With sex, we often go on autopilot, and we forget to take in every moment, especially if you’ve been together for a long time. Instead, make a note to actually watch each other undress. Don’t touch each other while it’s happening either; make it all about the experience of looking at each other and getting excited just at the thought of how hot you both are.
2. Talk dirty
Instead of actually touching each other, simply tell each other what you want to do. Don’t be afraid to go into detail! To make it extra sexy, don’t wait until you’re in the bedroom. Simply talking about all the dirty, sexy, crazy things you want to do to each other while you’re sitting on the couch keeps things fun and flirty.
3. Listen to music
If you don’t already turn up your speakers while you’re having sex, now might be the time to start. Whatever kind of music turns you both on, whether it’s R&B, country, slow songs, or even show tunes (hey, Brittany in Glee singing Britney is beyond sexy), turn it up and use the music as the rhythm of all of your moves. Dance around the kitchen and sing along. Having fun together is sexy! Making a playlist together of your favorite songs to get down to can also be a form of foreplay on its own.
4. Play with ice
Ice is quite possibly the highest ROI on any sex toy. It’s entirely free and has benefits for both partners. It’s a different and unique sensation to play with temperature during sex. Some ideas for adding ice into your foreplay includes in your mouth during kissing, in your mouth during oral sex, rubbing it down your partner’s body, or on you or your partner’s nipples. If ice is too much for you and you don’t mind getting a little messy, dripping ice cream down your partner’s body (or yours!) can do the trick (and it tastes freaking good!). Be careful of using any foods near the vagina in the penis to avoid infections.
5. Go somewhere that reminds you of your relationship
Go back to your first date spot, where you got engaged, where you said “I love you” for the first time, and more. Being in those special places again can bring you back, mentally and physically, to earlier parts of your relationship. It’ll remind you how far you’ve come as a couple … and if that isn’t just a little sexy to you, I don’t know what is.
6. Make a bucket list together
Sitting down together to come up with everything you want to do this year sexually is the perfect foreplay for the adventurous couple. The items can be as crazy or as tame as you want them (we recommend ideas like having a threesome, talking about sex more, using sex toys, and having multiple orgasms!). Keep this list somewhere where you can go back to it, such as your nightstand, and make it a goal to do one new thing every week. You won’t even know how to choose what to do first!
7. Send a text
Although our phones can make us a little less present for sex, they can also be a great tool to arouse both partners. Text your partner exactly what you want to do to them when they get home — and just like the dirty talking exercise, don’t be too afraid of details. You can send it in the morning or just before you know they’re about to come over. They’ll be on their way immediately! Other ideas include texting your partner that you want to have sex (simple, but effective!), all about your favorite sexual experience with them, or something you’re excited to try. If you’re both 18 or older, sending photos in your favorite lingerie can be a fun way to show off exactly what they’re coming home to. (Just make sure this is someone you absolutely trust!)
8. Take a shower together
While your partner’s in the shower, feel free to hop in! Shower sex doesn’t have to be the end goal of this either. Having fun in the water and getting excited for whatever’s to happen outside of the shower is exciting all in itself. However, we’re not against trying to make shower sex work — just don’t hurt yourself! More
You probably started 2018, 2019, and 2020 vowing it was going to be your healthiest year ever (LOL at the pure innocence of what we thought 2020 was going to be like). You made resolutions with the best intentions, and maybe you even invested in a gym membership or healthy cookbook. But then life gets busy and work gets stressful. Before you know it, you’ve skipped your workout three weeks in a row and are ordering takeout while your cookbook collects dust on the shelf.So why is 2021 going to be different? Read on for 12 tips that will prove this year can be your healthiest year ever, resolutions (and healthy cookbook) or not. The secret is that your healthiest self looks different than my healthiest self; we all need different things to be our best. It’s time we stop thinking there’s only one route to be healthy, and instead, listen to our bodies to achieve what “healthy” means. These tips will get you there. Whether you implement all 12 tips or just a few, by 2022, you’ll be stronger, happier, more confident, and healthier. Read on for the foolproof roadmap to becoming your best self in 2021:
1. Make one healthy swap every week
A clean diet doesn’t have to feel so overwhelming. In fact, if it feels hard or unenjoyable, it probably won’t stick. Instead of expecting total transformation, take baby steps and make one healthy swap every week. For example, try spaghetti squash instead of boxed spaghetti in your favorite pasta dish, and next week, swap tortilla chips with sliced jicama to eat with guacamole. Another week, swap your usual pizza with a cauliflower crust or replace half of the rice in your favorite stir-fry recipe with cauliflower rice. Not only will one swap at a time make healthy eating more manageable, but you’ll learn how to make all your favorite meals and go-to recipes with more nutritious options.
2. Identify the #1 thing holding you back, and then fix it
You already know to eat more plants, work out more, and decrease sugar intake; knowing how to be healthy isn’t usually the problem. So to be truly healthy, identify what’s holding you back from achieving your health goals. Is it a lack of time, energy, or cravings? Maybe it’s a lack of motivation, or maybe you don’t truly want to give up the habits you know aren’t good for you because they provide emotional comfort. Whatever the reason, identify what’s holding you back from being your healthiest self, and then make a plan to fix it.
For example, meal prep if the problem is lack of time, or find more nutritious versions of the food you crave. If it’s lack of motivation, rethink your “why” (do you want to adopt healthier habits to feel more confident, live a longer life, or have more energy?), and if bad habits provide emotional comfort, identify the root of the emotional discomfort. Then find alternative methods to relieve stress, anxiety, or boredom in ways that will actually provide a long-term solution.
3. Go to bed earlier
Even if your diet fails and you don’t have time to exercise, prioritize sleep over everything because getting enough sleep can affect your overall quality of life. If you have difficulty fitting more sleep into your schedule, start by going to bed five minutes earlier every night until you’ve gained an hour of sleep. If you have difficulty falling asleep, figure out why. Talk to your doctor about improving sleep quality, try adaptogens, or drink chamomile tea and reduce screen time before bed. Going to bed earlier will not only mean more sleep, but it means you can get up earlier for a more productive or relaxing morning routine.
4. Prioritize gut health
There’s a major connection between the gut and the brain, the gut and the immune system, and even the gut and the skin. In other words, prioritizing gut health will give you the biggest bang for your buck. Add fermented foods to your diet (like sauerkraut, miso, or kimchi), eat more fiber, and add prebiotics to meals. More than anything, trust your gut. Pardon the pun, but your body knows what it needs, so pay attention to your body’s reactions: avoid foods that make you feel lethargic or nauseous, and load up on foods that make you feel good. For more ways to improve gut health, click here.
5. Set up your environment for success
You are what you eat, but you are where you live too. Surround yourself with motivating images, start a vision board, or post your mantra on your mirror, desk, or fridge. Whatever is a visual representation of what you want to achieve, seeing your goals as often as possible will keep you motivated. Beyond vision boards and mantras, make sure your home is setting you up for success. Keep your blender in an accessible spot, display healthier cookbooks on the shelves, leave your yoga mat out, and turn your bedroom into a relaxing oasis.
6. Do something every day that you’re passionate about
I have a theory (nay, proof!) that afternoon slumps or overall low energy might mean you’re not doing enough that lights a fire in you. To increase your energy and general zest for life (a crucial part of wellness), do more things you’re passionate about. If your job doesn’t get you excited, read a fascinating book on your lunch break, fit in a motivating workout, or spend weekends fighting for a worthy cause. If you’re unsure what you’re passionate about, make a list of events that you look forward to or your greatest talents. What would you invest your time in, even if you weren’t getting paid? What were your favorite hobbies as a little kid? Find ways to fit in those things more consistently. Your energy levels, happiness, and excitement for life will thank you.
7. Live less sedentarily
So you know you need to work out to be healthier, but the healthiest people are active even outside of designated gym time. In addition to your online yoga class or morning jog, focus on living less sedentarily overall by adding more non-exercise movement in your life. For example, walk your dog more often, stand while working, try gardening if you have a yard, clean your house more often, walk everywhere you can, dance while cooking or getting ready, stretch while watching TV, and get outside to take conference calls. For more ways to fit in movement throughout your day (no matter how busy you are), click here.
8. Experiment with something new every week
The secret to achieving your healthiest self might be as simple as making healthy habits feel new. Whether it’s trying a veggie that you’ve never cooked with, taking an online HIIT class when you’re more of a yoga girl, or experimenting with various wellness trends, regularly trying something new can help you become your healthiest self. The purpose is not to fit in every single self-care trend circulating on Instagram (that’s just FOMO disguised as wellness). Instead, the point of experimenting with new things is to find foods, exercises, and products that could really make a difference for you. Plus, trying new things can increase confidence and motivation.
9. Put your needs first
Do you ever say “yes” when you really want to say “no?” Are you a chronic people-pleaser, or do you waste mental real estate worrying how other people think of you? How often are you disappointing yourself to avoid disappointing other people? To truly be healthy, you have to be OK letting other people down if it means staying true to yourself. Putting your needs first, setting (and keeping) boundaries, and listening to your gut over other people’s advice are some of the most crucial ways to be healthy, but often the most overlooked. Your new 2021 resolution should be to do what you want to do and stay true to who you are. Your healthiest self will follow.
10. Go on at least one walk every day (or just get outside)
A simple health goal that could change your life? Go for a walk every single day. Not only is getting your steps up good for your health (your Fitbit will be so proud!) but getting fresh air and sunshine will boost your mood. If you don’t have time to go on a walk, do whatever you can to get fresh air throughout the day: take your laptop out on the balcony or patio for work, make conference calls while walking around the block, or eat your lunch outside (just don’t forget SPF). If it’s too cold to even think about spending time outdoors, open your window for a few minutes of fresh air.
11. Eat the rainbow (every day)
No, I’m not talking about Skittles. Plants get their colors from antioxidants, so it only makes sense to eat all the colors to provide your body with all the antioxidants, right? Incorporating reds (tomatoes, apples, red pepper), blues (blueberries, blackberries, blue potatoes), oranges (sweet potato, butternut squash, tangerines), greens (leafy greens, Brussels sprouts, zucchini), yellows (spaghetti squash, bananas, corn) and purples (purple cabbage, eggplant, grapes) is the easiest (and prettiest) way to ensure you’re getting an abundance of phytonutrients and the full spectrum of vitamins, minerals, and amino acids. As an easy hack, try to add at least three different colors to each meal or plan grocery lists to include each color of the rainbow.
12. If you’re not enjoying it, reevaluate
Maybe you’re in the mindset that getting healthy is supposed to be hard. After all, we’ve been bombarded with restrictive diets and intensive workouts so often, we might confuse exhaustion or deprivation with health. Maybe you’ve even heard the phrase, “nothing worth having comes easy.” But I’d like to offer you a new idea of health: it doesn’t have to be (and shouldn’t be) difficult to achieve any health goal. When we’re eating nourishing foods and moving our bodies in ways we crave, healthier habits are much more sustainable. It’s also a sign that we’re in tune with what our bodies really need.
You don’t have to make drastic changes or set strict rules to achieve your healthiest self. Instead, it’s about unlearning what you think you “should” or “shouldn’t” do, and listening to what your body is trying to tell you instead. It might take some time to get there, but listening to your body and giving it what makes it feel best should not only be easy, but enjoyable.
How are you getting your healthiest this year? More
No matter how many times that I attempt to make a conscious effort to slow down and enjoy my food, my hanger always prevails as I continually find myself inhaling my meals. The one benefit to this fatal flaw of mine is that I have the *unique* ability to use my lunch break to accomplish more than just curbing my hunger with my favorite Trader Joe’s Mandarin Orange Chicken Bowl. Instead of sleepily scrolling TikTok as I digest, I use the remaining minutes of my lunch to move my body, even if it’s just for a few moments.For a long, long time, it was ingrained in my brain that my workouts “weren’t effective” unless I spent over an hour doing intense cardio or lifting heavy weights at a gym. After the past year of adapting to our new normal, I’ve found that keeping things short, simple, and consistent is more effective for me than pressuring myself to hit the gym multiple days a week for hours on end. More times than not, I don’t have the time, energy, or motivation to make my previous methods even the least bit successful.
Incorporating movement into my WFH routine has been an absolute game-changer for me and helps me to get my mind right before I tackle the second half of my workday. Whether you find yourself with an extra 10, 20, or 30 minutes in your day, these quick, yet effective workouts are the perfect way to step away from the screen and get your blood pumping:
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Use code TEG50 for 50 percent off your first month of Obé Fitness, in addition to the 7-day free trial.
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Use code TEG50 for 50 percent off your first month of Obé Fitness, in addition to the 7-day free trial.
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Use code TEG50 for 50 percent off your first month of Obé Fitness, in addition to the 7-day free trial.
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Ah, February: the month of red roses, limitless rom-coms, and heart-shaped boxes of chocolates. Maybe you’re a hopeless romantic and look forward to February 14 all year, or maybe Valentine’s Day typically feels sad, lonely, or disappointing. But celebrating love wouldn’t be complete if the #1 priority wasn’t how you love yourself.No matter what your relationship status says on Facebook, the most important relationship is the one you have with yourself. Yes, that might have been a cliché your mom told you growing up or what you read in The Care and Keeping Of You when you were 11 years old, but it’s also a powerful truth. How you feel about and talk to yourself determines the success of other relationships, and is a key component of physical health and mental health. How you love yourself literally impacts every aspect of your life, and therefore, learning to love yourself is the most important skill you could master.
Since February is the month of love, we’ve put together a challenge focusing on the most worthy kind of relationship: the one you have with yourself. For every day in February, you’ll be challenged to try journaling prompts and activities focusing on getting to know yourself, wooing yourself, caring for yourself, and prioritizing yourself. Follow the challenge, and you’ll have a whole new perspective on self-love by March 1.
1: Make a list of five things that always make you happy and put it on your mirror, desk, or fridge where you’ll see it often
2: Buy yourself flowers
3. Revisit a childhood hobby
4. Go for a walk on your lunch break
5. Make a playlist of all your favorite songs
6. Unplug for three hours
7: Journal prompt: Get to know yourself. Take some time to think about what you believe in, value, and like. Make a list of your strengths (particularly the ones that have gone unnoticed).
Source: @lolaomonaija
8: Say “no” if you want to say no
9: Eat the rainbow by trying a variety of fruits and vegetables
10: Splurge on the item you’ve been wanting
11: Take yourself on a date or set the table with candles and a fancy table cloth
13: Watch your favorite movie
14: Journal prompt: look at a picture of yourself as a baby or young child. How would you talk differently to yourself if you were talking to her? What do you want to tell her?
Source: @sassyredlipstick
15. Identify your love language and then do one thing to show yourself love in that language
16. Make a promise to yourself and then keep it (work out before work, make a smoothie for breakfast, take a real lunch break, cut off work at 5 p.m., etc.)
17. Unfollow or mute every account that doesn’t make you feel inspired, encouraged, or good about yourself
18. Sit in child’s pose for a minute whenever you’re stressed
19. Dress up in your favorite outfit and put on your favorite lipstick
20. Take some time to “play:” turn on music and dance or do something creative like coloring
21: Journal prompt: write down past mistakes you’re still holding onto. Reflect on how you’ve changed since those past mistakes or embarrassing moments. Realize how even the worst moments have made you stronger, kinder, and better, and then forgive yourself.
Source: @kayla_seah
22: Say “thank you” instead of “I’m sorry”
23: Sneak leafy greens into sauces, dips, and dressings
24: Write a list of the things you love most about yourself
25: Start an inspirational book
26: Treat yourself to a new vibrator or download an app like Coral (because sexual wellness is self-care)
28: Journal prompt: How can you become more “you?” We love ourselves when our actions align with who we really are. Make a list of your qualities, likes, traits, strengths, and passions. Then, write down how you can become or more of each thing. Also, get rid of the activities or traits that don’t feel true to you, and fill up the empty space with more you-ness. Every work goal, wellness intention, and daily schedule should support becoming more of who you really are. More
For some couples (I call them the “unicorn couples”), staying at home together 24/7 with nothing to do means doing the nasty more than you did when you were first dating. But for most couples, staying at home means a lack of motivation, an abundance of takeout, and a disregard for basic hygiene. In other words, your sex drive (and overall intimacy in the relationship) has been on the lower side these days.But with chilly temperatures outside and a stay-at-home order still in effect, you’ve got nowhere to go. It’s the perfect time to reignite that spark with a little cozy night at home. Whether you’re newly dating or have been together for decades, consider this the comprehensive checklist of everything you need for the romantic night you deserve (BTW, the same rules apply if you’re indulging in a night of self-love too). Get in the mood, light a candle (more on that below), and have a romantic night in, thanks to these spark-igniting must-haves.
1. The right scent
Candles not only set a romantic ambiance thanks to dim lighting and flickering fire (there’s a reason the sex scenes in every rom-com include candles), but sensuality is about awakening each of the senses, and that includes smell. While some scents might be arousing based on a personal memory (like rose from the perfume you wore on your wedding night or vanilla from a lotion you used on your first trip away together), other scents might act as aphrodisiacs. Look for candles with spicy notes like cinnamon and sandalwood, luxurious scents like vanilla and ylang-ylang, or relaxing scents like lavender and sage.
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2. Bath (or shower) essentials
Getting “in the mood” is not just about the 10-30 minutes leading up to sex; it’s about building the anticipation throughout the entire day. Set yourself up for feeling your best by indulging in some self-care in the bath or shower. Try dry brushing, exfoliating with bath salts or body scrubs, and massaging in an oil. Oh, and don’t forget to check yourself out in the mirror (confidence is the #1 best sex hack!). Plus, a relaxing bath or steamy shower can be part of the romantic night if you want to bring your significant other with you. After all, sex is self-care.
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3. Luxurious beauty products
Speaking of confidence, how much pleasure you feel is not determined by how you look to your partner, but it can be determined by how you feel about yourself (your partner is going to think you’re smokin’, no matter what). Invest in products that make you feel good, whether it’s a full face of makeup, a brightening facial treatment, a spritz of perfume, or a texture spray to DIY bedhead. After all, beauty is not about what we think we have to do to look good; it’s about indulging in ourselves (because we’re worth it) and remembering how attractive we are (from the inside out). Get your glow on with the beauty products that make you feel your very best.
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4. Music to set the mood
It’s no surprise that music dictates the mood. How else would we know to feel hopeful and excited if the rom-com didn’t include Why Can’t I by Liz Phair, and would we even burst into tears if My Heart Will Go On didn’t play at the end of Titanic? Would Jaws be so scary without the daunting theme song, or would the rose ceremonies on The Bachelorette feel as dramatic without the suspenseful soundtrack? Music tells us how to feel, and that goes for getting in the mood too. Make a playlist of the songs that make you feel confident, sexy, and romantic, or turn on our “Get Sexy” playlist, filled with all the songs 13-year-old you were scandalized by (in the best way).
5. Lube
At The Everygirl, we are big advocates for the fact that everyone (yes, everyone) should at least try lube. Our editor, Beth, even went so far as to say, “Personal lubricant is not a choice in my book; it is a necessary tool for sexual pleasure and health. Lube is the best sex toy you could ever add to the bedroom.” If that’s not convincing enough, I don’t know what is. Pick a lube that will not only increase pleasure, but will be good for your vagina, thanks to non-toxic ingredients, nourishing formulas, and treatment-like benefits.
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6. Something pretty to wear
Disclaimer: if you feel your very best in your birthday suit, you go, girl. Feel free to skip this point and go on with your bad self. However, if wearing some pretty lingerie or wrapping yourself in a silky robe gets you in the mood, you deserve to treat yourself to something indulgent and luxe. If full-on lingerie isn’t your thing, even a pair of new underwear or a pajama set that makes you feel sexy can completely revamp your sex life (yes, really). After all, remember that your pleasure directly correlates to your confidence, and if a lacy bra helps you feel like the badass you are, it’s well worth any price tag.
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7. An activity
You may not think you need another activity than the activity, but experimenting with conversation-starters like a couple’s journal or question cards could not only break you out of your routine but could also help you learn new things about your partner and even inspire you to try new things (yes, even if you’ve been together ~forever~). Especially if communication in the bedroom is not your strong suit or if you’re still figuring out what you like and don’t like, prompted questions can be a fun, relaxing way to open up communication.
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8. Vibrator or sex toy
If you feel stuck in a sex rut or have trouble orgasming with your partner (AKA 75 percent of women), the answer might be incorporating a vibrator or sex toy. Experimenting and trying new things is always important, but it’s also a good idea to have a go-to vibrator or sex toy that you both enjoy using (and that you also enjoy using alone). If you haven’t found a favorite or are interested in exploring, we have many helpful guides on vibrators and sex toys for partners (hint: there are lots of options). Bottom line: talk it out together, explore some options, and figure out what you would both like.
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9. Luxurious bedding
Sex is better on vacation, right? Sure, maybe it’s thanks to the stress-free attitude, exciting new experiences, and the lack of kids/long to-do lists/daily chores you would normally have at home, but I also wouldn’t discount hotel bedding. Whether crisp pillows and clean sheets are turn-ons to you or not, upgrading your bedding can switch up your environment, and just a small change can make sex feel new. Some couples even switch out their bedding just for special occasions (a cozy night in counts as special), but you can also try a few simple upgrades like satin pillowcases, a linen duvet cover, or fur throw pillows.
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What are your essentials for a romantic night in? More
I was 17 when I decided I wanted to take control of my weight, and like every single weight-loss-related piece of information will insist, it requires a lifestyle change. For a long time, I considered the way I completely avoided entire food groups, severely restricted my daily calories to around 1,000 a day, and my hours-long, six-days-a-week HIIT workouts, to be the aforementioned lifestyle change.I think everyone understood my initial desire to lose weight (as I was ostensibly overweight), but not my desire to want to be skinny—and skinny was what I so desperately wanted to be. I wanted no parts of those curves that women like me were supposed to embrace. I was a Black girl that wanted to see hip bones rather than hips.
Which is the whole problem, right? As a Black girl growing up, having some meat on your bones was a good thing. Our community values curves. We’re tacitly taught that we should be desirous of a thicker body, and there are many complex, historical, and cultural reasons for this. This is why the idea of a Black girl wanting to be thin seems absurd, and having an eating disorder even more so. In fact, per NEDA, when it comes to eating disorders, Black women are under-diagnosed and under-treated when compared to their white counterparts. Unfortunately, according to VeryWell Mind, studies have shown that medical professionals are simply less likely to diagnose BIPOC with an eating disorder, even if they have the same kinds of symptoms as a white person who is diagnosed with one.
Studies have shown that medical professionals are simply less likely to diagnose BIPOC with an eating disorder, even if they have the same kinds of symptoms as a white person who is diagnosed with one.
This might be why it took me so long to understand that having such severe anxiety about food wasn’t just part of my new, “healthy” lifestyle, and it actually wasn’t OK that I couldn’t eat something without googling the calories (and this was almost a decade ago, so imagine trying to look up the nutritional facts of Chipotle’s fajita vegetables on my Blackberry Storm!).
Years later, my relationship with food is much improved, though I am still a work in progress. And to be clear, I am in no way offering any medical advice. If you feel like you might be struggling with an eating disorder or you are concerned about your relationship with food, I encourage you to seek the help of a professional.
That said, as Black people, we navigate a unique cultural landscape that impacts the way we look at our bodies and food. This kind of discourse is often absent when we talk about eating disorders or unhealthy relationships with food. And while I’ll be thrilled if this message resonates with a broad spectrum of people, I really hope that this article helps a Black girl like me feel a little bit more seen.
Ignore cultural myths about being a Black girl
The world has placed Black girls in a box, complete with a laundry list of things supposedly we do and don’t do. And to varying extents, we’ve internalized it as well. I think having a better understanding of this would have been the difference between unsuccessfully telling myself that I needed to stop acting like a white girl and acknowledging that I was going through something that required professional help. I don’t want to frame it as though it’s empowering to assert that Black girls do experience eating disorders, because it’s far from—but thinking that you are immune from a condition because it seemingly “just doesn’t happen” in your community is problematic.
I think, intuitively, we know that we are complex; I don’t know a single Black woman that lives up to the caricatured stereotype of what we are supposedly like. But we need to remind ourselves of our nuance every time that voice in our head tries to box us in. That’s when we’ll start viewing ourselves as full human beings who have the capacity for the entire range of human experience.
Don’t lose your culture in your quest to lose weight
I’m from the Caribbean, and food is a huge part of our culture. We love any excuse to cook a huge meal, stock the bar, and have a good time. Caribbean food is a lot of rice and peas, fried fish, barbecued pork, curry goat, fried plantain, and so on. All delicious, but not necessarily the most healthy if they’re prepared traditionally, and I believe that across the African diaspora, you’ll find similar foods and methods of preparation.
The thing about an eating disorder is that it will have you terrified of the foods that you’ve grown up with, and by extension, a part of you as well. I’m not trying to say you are what you eat or that entire cultures are defined by foods, but I do think that, especially for People of Color, our foods hold a certain cultural, historical, and emotional weight. I think back to my college days, juggling the trauma and mental stress of living in a foreign country (and the accompanying micro-aggressions and culture shock), all the while depriving myself of the foods that would’ve made me feel closer to home. Don’t do your soul a disservice by suffocating a part of it.
You are responsible for how you present yourself to the world, but not the world’s perception
I think that sometimes as Black women, we are so used to having every single bit of us scrutinized: our hair, our skin tone, our behavior, our tone of voice, “If I do X, how will it look? What impression will I give?”
We spend a lot of time policing ourselves, because we know if we don’t someone else will. I totally get it; it’s something I’m very guilty of myself. It was (is) pretty difficult for me to even write this because I’m so anxious about the way I’ll be perceived. There’ve been times that I’ve randomly gone on my Instagram profile and tried to look at it through the eyes of a stranger (please let me know if you’ve done this too, by the way, so I don’t feel totally alone!). I want us to collectively unlearn all of that. Viewing your appearance, your body, or your life through the gaze of others will leave you unhappy and sick. It is your birthright to show up in this life the way you choose; life will become a little lighter once you start owning that. Consistently and relentlessly ask yourself, “Who am I doing this for?”
I’m not trying to say you are what you eat or that entire cultures are defined by foods, but I do think that, especially for People of Color, our foods hold a certain cultural, historical, and emotional weight.
Your looks will never bring lasting contentment
When you embark on a weight loss journey, you expect that it will transform your life—you’ll be prettier, happier, healthier, and skinnier. Some of us unfortunately end up on a slippery slope thinking, “only a few more pounds, then I’ll be good for sure.” Your goal weight keeps getting lower and lower, you are getting thinner and thinner, and somehow you’re still not happy… what gives?
The biggest lie we tell ourselves is that we can achieve lasting happiness from the way we look. I’ve experienced my body in a vast range of sizes and shapes. I’ve been thin, I’ve been fat, and I’ve been equally dissatisfied either way. Weight loss is not a cure-all, and being skinny won’t make you happy, no matter what society would have you believe. As I try to lose my quarantine weight this year, I’ve been actively trying to keep that in mind. I want to be happy with my body at every stage of this journey, rather than expecting happiness to suddenly emerge at the ‘end.’
Don’t just cut the branches—uproot
I was 21 spending a semester abroad in London with a group of amazing girls who were equally eager to soak up all that Europe had to offer. We ran through all our money (I had like $33 to my name on the flight home), finding the cheapest ways to experience the most amazing things. Suddenly, the idea of leaving Paris without trying an authentic crepe or Amsterdam without, ahem, splitting a space cake seemed so absurd, I didn’t care about being skinny. I ate, I laughed, I lived, so obviously I thought, boom, I’m cured—that was easy! Looking back now, I can see that though it was a tiny step in the right direction, it definitely wasn’t a cure.
You see, while losing yourself fully in an experience can help put things into perspective, if you don’t do the work to actually deal with those unhealthy behaviors, you can slip back into them. As Black women, we are used to doing work on our own, so much so that getting help— any kind of help— feels uncomfortable. Several years later, I’m a long way from where I was, but about a year ago, I realized that though I may have cut the branches, I didn’t uproot the unhealthy behaviors. I tried working with a nutritionist, and in the spirit of full transparency, that experience didn’t quite work for me. But recently I’ve started working with a personal trainer and that process is in fact helping me rethink the way I look at my body and food. When it comes down to it, you basically have to find what works for you, but to truly heal, you have to confront what got you there in the first place.
For further reading or resources, check out the below links
The National Eating Disorders Association
What You Need to Know About Eating Disorders
Yes, Black Women Struggle With Eating Disorders Too
It’s Time to Correct the Narrative Surrounding Black Girls and Eating Disorders
If you are struggling with an eating disorder or with disordered thoughts or behaviors regarding food and eating, please seek help. Call the National Eating Disorders Association Helpline at 1-800-931-2237 for support, reach out to a qualified medical professional, or, for a 24-hour crisis line, text “NEDA” to 741741. More
It started as a normal morning enjoying a cup of coffee together before the craziness of the day began. “Coffee time,” as we call it, is our daily ritual of couple time where no phones are allowed, and we just talk. Most days it’s an enjoyable conversation, but on this particular morning, we veered into dangerous territory: money. Before I could try to change the subject, an inevitable question surfaced.“Exactly how much debt do you have?” he asked as my body began to tense.
For the record, I don’t have a lot of debt, but I do have some. My partner, on the other hand, has none. I immediately felt uneasy and insecure. We made it through the conversation unscathed, but it got me thinking about couples and finances and why it’s so hard to talk about money. Studies show that money is one of the most widespread, difficult, and persistent issues within marriages. It’s no wonder a new practice of premarital financial counseling seems to be gaining popularity among engaged couples.
Why is it so hard for couples to talk about money?
When two people decide to do life together, it’s much more than a merging of households and families. As a licensed couple and family therapist Michelle Collins explained, couples are also joining their pasts and future dreams. “Along with those things, they are joining their different orientations towards money,” Collins said.
Our family culture, values, and past experiences help determine our views and beliefs about money. “One’s relationship with money develops the language they use when communicating about, interacting with, and showing others how they treat money,” Collins said. “It is common for partners to have different languages about money and when trying to bridge the gap, couples find they don’t have all the tools to translate—and listen—clearly.”
It comes down to a communication issue. Collins works with couples to examine their family tree and discuss how each individual’s parents’ life experiences and views toward money have impacted their own relationship with money. “This conversation allows partners to better understand how the other person has developed their money language and then find ways to translate so they can be successful managing their finances.”
What is premarital financial counseling?
Think of it like couples counseling meets financial counseling. An unbiased, trained professional will help translate your different money languages so you can navigate important financial decisions. “Premarital financial counseling involves the creation of a budget, and the discussion of long-term and short-term financial goals like saving for a home, or the parties’ thoughts about retirement,” Holly Davis, a family law attorney at Kirker Davis LLP, explained.
You will discuss everything from spending habits and work ethic to how you’ll handle potential difficult financial situations. “These are so important to discuss because if you are engaged to a big spender, and you are a penny pincher, you have the opportunity to work with your fiancée to see if you can influence their behavior, or to see if you can soften your stance on the position,” Davis said. “Compromises need to be reached when two parties have two very different opinions on big financial topics.” You will learn a lot about your partner and your relationship when you get into the details of what you will do if someone loses their job, or how much money they think should be spent on vacations, entertainment, or clothing.
Who can benefit from premarital financial counseling?
Don’t let the word premarital fool you. Both Collins and Davis believe every couple can benefit from financial counseling. “I have never seen a couple not benefit from having a dedicated and structured conversation around money,” said Collins.
Davis pointed out that financial consultation is important any time a couple shares expenses or a living space regardless of the status of the relationship. “Waiting for an engagement to discuss these issues is oftentimes too late to change course if you are truly incompatible with someone financially,” she said. Even if you think you have similar views towards money because you come from similar families, Davis warned that could be a false sense of security. She said you must get into specific hypotheticals with your partner to know you’re really on the same page.
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How to avoid money issues in your relationship.
First things first, stop avoiding talking about money. Davis recommended being proactive about discussing money frequently, rather than waiting until you’re in the middle of a financial issue. This, she explained, will help you become more self-aware and realize what triggers you when discussing money. “If you know your own roadmap to having a negative reaction, you can try to stop it before it starts,” Davis said.
Don’t shy away from uncomfortable conversations. According to Collins and Davis, the following questions are important yet often avoided prior to marriage:
Will we have a joint account?
Are there expectations for us to monitor or hold each other accountable about personal spending?
Do your family members have any financial expectations of you?
Do you like to enjoy money, have it for security, or use it as a status symbol?
If you were fired or laid off or couldn’t perform your current job, what would you do? What’s your Plan B?
If you plan on having children, how does each person feel about what their role is in raising the children? Will one person primarily perform this function, or will it be a shared role between the two parties?
Ultimately, it comes down to willingness to communicate and compromise. The earlier you identify and understand your different money languages, the quicker you can work on finding common ground. “The hardest part isn’t identifying differences, it’s actually changing your own default opinion in the face of a different opinion that is the hard work,” Davis explained. “If you are engaged to a person who is willing to do this, then your differences can likely be successfully bridged.”
And if these conversations are too difficult on your own, know that you can always bring in a professional. A trained couple’s counselor or premarital financial counselor will help navigate the conversation and close the gap between your different money languages without bias or emotion. They will ensure the conversation is productive and that you walk away with a clear understanding of your financial future before you walk down the aisle.
As for my coffee time debt discussion with my partner, I’m sure it is the first of many uncomfortable conversations about money. And maybe therein lies the real value in it. After all, life isn’t always comfortable so for a relationship to last, it needs to be built on a foundation of honest, respectful communication, no matter what the topic. More
