Raphael Stevens

The question heard in gynecologists’ offices and typed into Google all over the world: what is libido, and how, oh how, can I improve it!? It seems like “libido” is the word on everyone’s mind, and many women are feeling like theirs just don’t measure up: according to a 2013 study, up to 43 percent of women claim to experience low libido. But what does libido really mean? (Hint: it’s not just about sex drive.)
If you feel like your sex drive has gone MIA, you might just be focusing on the wrong things. Take back your power, claim your right to experience pleasure, and tap into the libido that you already have within of you. Here’s how:

What really is libido?
We often use the word “libido” as synonymous for sex drive, or how often (and how strongly) we want to have sex. But the term was actually coined by Sigmund Freud, the founder of psychoanalysis, to define an energy driven from an individual’s sexual and survival instincts. In other words, libido is so much more than having regular sex. “Libido is part of an individual’s unconscious, primal energy that encompasses not only sexual energy but also psychic energy. Libido is the force behind all of our instincts, actions, and motivations,” explained Dainis Graveris, a certified sex educator and relationship expert at SexualAlpha.
Think of libido as an energy that helps you feel pleasurable, alive, and tapped into your body. It encompasses anything and everything that just genuinely feels good for your truest self. Yes, sex is a major part of that, but it’s only one piece of the puzzle. Instead of thinking of libido as a tool to have more sex, think of sex as a tool to have more libido. When we have full access to our libidos, we have access to more inspiration, creativity, connections, and, most importantly, understanding of our deepest desires (both in and out of the bedroom). “Libido is a life force,” agreed Dr. Caroline Madden MFT, Ph.D., a licensed marriage and family therapist. “It connects you with yourself and the parts of you that you are most proud of.”
We can also think of libido as a vital sign. Just like we feel hungry when we need to eat and thirsty when we need to drink water, libido is another way our bodies tell us that they need something. However, because it’s not “socially discussed” like hunger or thirst (and might have even been suppressed), many of us lose the ability to fully tap into it. But when we can tap into our libidos, we not only feel more pleasure in our sex lives, but have access to a powerful tool that will help keep our bodies as healthy and fulfilled as possible.

So how do you tap into your libido?

Reassess other areas your mental and physical health
News flash: libido is equally mental and physical. Knowing that the brain and body are intrinsically connected will help you tap into your libido. “To increase libido, you need to see the body and mind as a whole unit,” explained Tatyana Dyachenko, a sex and relationship therapist. “Improving one piece in your life or body will affect other pieces.” Since libido encompasses so much more than just our sex lives, improvements to any area (whether it’s a health change for the body or a change in routine for our mental health) can simultaneously help us tap into libido. 
For example, Dyachenko suggests that even a minor change in diet (like eating more leafy greens or trying plant-based meals) will not only make your body feel better but will also increase energy levels and confidence. And when you feel good about yourself and feel energized? Hello, libido! Likewise, if you’re feeling rundown and exhausted from too much work, your libido will feel rundown and exhausted, too (more on that below). The libido affects every part of your life and vice versa. “People have a habit of compartmentalizing when, in reality, everything is connected. If you want to tap into your libido more, take a look at other factors of your lifestyle,” Dyachenko suggested.

Exercise regularly
I know, I know: not another reason to add regular exercise to your routine! “Engaging in regular exercise increases testosterone levels, thereby increasing libido levels. Plus, you get a good confidence boost when you sweat it out and attain your fitness goals,” Graveris explained. Exercise has many amazing benefits for the body, but exercise is also important for your libido because it allows you a chance to tap into your body.
Think about it: you’re probably in your head all day long, whether it’s writing proposals, taking calls, or leading meetings. Even after work, you’re making to-do lists or thinking about the next day, and in your free time, you’re reading or binging Netflix. All of your energy is constantly going to the mind. Exercise is a chance to bring energy and focus to the body when following the movements or noticing how your muscles feel. To make your workouts really work for your libido, find the type that feels most pleasurable: do you feel sensual after a hot yoga flow or powerful post-heavy lifting?

Indulge in your sweet tooth
It turns out your sweet tooth might actually be good for you. “Throughout history, chocolate has been a symbol of desire. Not just because of its delicious taste, but because of its power to improve sexual pleasure,” explained Dr. Mike Anderson, Ph.D., a sex and relationship expert. “According to one study, chocolate promotes the release of phenylethylamine and serotonin, which can both produce aphrodisiac and mood-lifting effects.” *Immediately orders dark chocolate in bulk.*
While chocolate may affect the physical body to help you feel more turned on, the important part is pleasure. Indulging in a couple of rich, decadent squares of dark chocolate after dinner might feel like an incredibly luxurious and pleasurable moment of your day, but if it’s not, find and indulge in other moments of pleasure, whether it’s a cup of coffee in the morning or a glass of wine at night. Start making everything you eat and smell more pleasurable by taking a moment to stop and enjoy it.

Have a stress management plan
Stress gets a bad rap for many reasons, but it’s also notorious for being a major party pooper when it comes to libido. “Stress disrupts normal hormone levels and blood flow, which affects your overall well-being, including your sexual desire,” Graveris explained. Since sex drive is often the first thing to take a hit when work is crazy busy or the kids are driving you nuts, have a plan to manage stress as much as possible in advance. Try deep breathing exercises when you feel your body start to move into fight-or-flight mode and practice regular meditation whenever you can fit it in to lower your overall stress threshold.
Also, when you know you’re going into an extra stressful time like an important board meeting or a hectic week, schedule extra self-care in advance, whether it’s a luxurious bath, a workout class you love, or just some alone time to read first thing in the morning. Prioritizing your wellbeing will not only improve the way you react during stressful situations but will help you use your libido as a powerful tool, rather than ignoring it when you’re at your busiest or most stressed. 

Practice mindfulness
“In today’s always-connected world, it is hard to stay focused on one task for very long–including sex,” explained Dr. Leah Millheiser, a board-certified OB-GYN and Senior Vice President of Medical Affairs at Hims & Hers. When you practice mindfulness more regularly, you can start tapping into more pleasure. For example, when you close your laptop and sit down for a long lunch, you’ll be able to taste and smell how delicious your lunch is instead of wolfing it down while working.
Pleasure is simply a state of being in the moment, so bringing yourself into the moment more often will translate into more pleasure in your life and greater access to your libido. When it comes to staying mindful during sex itself, “focus on what you’re feeling, how you’re breathing, or a spot on the wall: anything that keeps you from thinking about work, kids, grocery lists, the laundry, etc.,” Dr. Millheiser recommended. “Mindfulness during sex is important for sexual satisfaction and intimacy (whether it’s with a partner or by yourself).”

Self-pleasure
If you’re still viewing sex only as a part of a relationship or something you do with someone else, you’re missing out on a key piece of the puzzle. “If you have yet to embrace self-pleasure, reframe it as another tool for self-care (because it is),” suggested Mia Sabat, a sex therapist at Emjoy. “Taking care of yourself means attending to your needs and enjoying your body without feeling guilt or remorse. Respect and self-knowledge are the basics of self-care–is there anything more important than knowing what we want and how we want it?”
This crucial piece of the libido puzzle also expands way beyond your favorite vibrator or a regular ménage-à-moi. Practice radical confidence, self-love, and self-acceptance in everything you do: stop making decisions based on what you should or shouldn’t do and start making decisions based on what will feel best to you. Once you start using self-pleasure as a compass for your entire life (rather than a guilty pleasure we hide in a bedside table drawer), you’ll be able to step into your greatest power. 

Stop thinking your libido needs to change
IDK who needs to hear this, but your libido is perfect, just as it is. While we often talk about “boosting” or “improving” libido, it’s a powerful life force we already have inside of ourselves. When talking about your libido, it’s not about changing it, but about finding it. How do you find it? Start trusting your body to know best. “A ‘lacking’ libido is considered a problem that needs to be fixed,” explained Katrina Marie, a sex educator and sexual empowerment coach. “If we have ‘low libido,’ we’re told to keep up, get with it, or to ‘fake it ’til you make it,’ but this messaging just teaches us to doubt our inner knowing.”
The truth is that there’s no “healthy” definition of libido, and your partner or a headline in a magazine doesn’t know what libido looks like to you. As life changes, desires, energy, and preferences change. If you find yourself craving bubble baths and quality talks over wine instead of spontaneous sex as you (or your relationship) get older, there’s nothing wrong with you. This just means that you’re experiencing pleasure in different ways. You are your own erotic self, so tap into the life force you already have access to, rather than thinking it needs to be changed. “What if there is nothing wrong with your libido?” Marie said. “Maybe you just haven’t found what this current version of yourself wants. Get creative, be willing to try new things, and trust your body.” More

If you are over 40, at some point or another, you may have had the awesome post-baby, middle age kangaroo pouch! (I know I did!) While lipo or a tummy tuck seems like a great solution, I say, NO WAY! I am a 43-year old mother of two with a six-pack. Want to know how I got mine? Some good ole fashioned healthy eating, intense ab workouts and defying all the myths associated with getting a flat tummy!
MYTH BUSTER #1: CRAZY CRUNCHES
Tons of crunches don’t lead to tight, sculpted abs. The truth is that everyone has abdominal muscles, they just stay hidden underneath a thick layer of fat on the stomach. If you want a toned look, you need to focus on burning the layer of fat that may be covering your belly. The key is to train your abs sufficiently a few times a week while focusing on burning fat by following a good diet and performing total body strength and conditioning work.
MYTH BUSTER #2: STARVIN MARVIN
In attempt to burn fat, you may be tempted to follow one of those crazy low calorie diets to do so. Don’t do it! Your body needs fuel. No food means no fuel. No fuel means NO MUSCLES! You may reduce your caloric intake in order to burn more body fat SAFELY, but never starve yourself with a very low calorie diet (less than 1200 calories a day). These types of diets generally do not provide you with the necessary nutrients that your body needs to survive and carry out normal functions. They can also impact on your energy levels and leave you too tired to carry out normal daily activities—let alone working out trying to get that flat tummy! Here are some great nutrition tips to follow to tighten up your midsection:
TONED, TIGHT ABS NUTRITION TIPS
JAIME BAIRD’S 12 TIGHT TUMMY TIPS
MYTH BUSTER #3: DUPED BY DIET PILLS
Many diet pills promise a flat stomach in a short time; however, no supplement will magically transform your midsection. Some supplements like Omega 3 fatty acids can help, but they won’t do a thing if you aren’t following a quality diet and working out regularly.
The bottom line is this: Good Nutrition + Consistent Exercise + Proper Core Training = Toned, Tight, Flat Tummy!
TONED, TIGHT TUMMY TRAINING
Here are a few of my favorite exercises for the core. I work abs a minimum of 3 times per week. I generally perform 3 sets of 20-25 reps per abdominal exercise. I tend to choose about 3 different exercises that hit the tummy from top to bottom and also add in some planks, which target the back as well as the core!
90 DEGREE WEIGHTED CRUNCHESFirst of all, always keep your back firm to the mat. Bring the legs up to a 90-degree angle, knees in line with the hips and the ankles slightly lower then the knees. Place the dumbbell close to your forehead and keep those elbows tucked in. Using your abdominals—not your neck—curl the upper body up, lifting the shoulder blades off the ground and then lower back down. It’s a very small movement but very effective when done for 3 sets of 25 reps.
RUSSIAN TWISTSWith your knees bent and upper body leaning back at an angle, this exercise hits the front and sides (obliques) of your abs. Holding a dumbbells and keeping your elbows tucked in tightly and core stabilized, you are going to twist from side to side. Now don’t be cheating and just use the arms—really twist the torso and squeeze. Complete 3 sets of 20. More advanced? Lift your feet off the ground. OUCH!
POWERFUL PLANKSThere are so many variations to the plank. The plank is a great core strengthening exercise all the way around, from your back to your tummy. It’s very important to watch your form with this exercise. Keep your body in one straight line, elbows under your shoulders and hands open and flat to the floor. Make sure your butt is not popping up in the air, or I will find you and smack it back down. Keep it in line with your back, but don’t allow your hips or belly to dip towards the floor either. Start with 3 sets of 30-second holds, and increase by 10 – 20 seconds every week. Once you get stronger, you can then work on the side plank pictured below.
IMPORTANT TO THE CORERemember as we age and become less active, core strength is often one of the first things to suffer. Poor core strength can lead to a domino effect of other physical aches and pains due to poor body mechanics and poor alignment. Sore backs, hips, knees and necks can often be traced back to poor core strength. The core muscles include more than just the abs, so it’s important to consistently perform a balanced core strength workout. Do the quick core workout (above) 3-4 times each week to maintain your core strength and stability.
Other great ways to maintain your core muscles are to perform simple body weight exercises that force the core to contract as you stabilize your body. A strong core is central to a strong body…PERIOD! More

While I’ve never really been a fan of working out at home, of all my relationships in life, my relationship with the gym has (mostly) been one that’s happy and thriving. We’ve had our ups and downs, but honestly, I’ve never had much to complain about.
That is, until the pandemic hit.
I was an athlete in high school, then got into a good groove with exercise in college and packed my schedule with group fitness classes that I looked forward to every day to blow off steam. After graduation, I became what the Dance Moms moms would have labeled as a “studio hopper.” I tried out memberships at just about every fitness class you can think of, from yoga to barre to Orange Theory. I always was consistent about supplementing the classes I took with running, but never realized how much I relied on the atmosphere of a class to push me until it was taken away from me, and I was left with a corner of my apartment, my yoga mat, and a brain scrambling to find a crumb of motivation.
Over the past 15 months, I’ve tried everything I could think of to get into habits that gave me a consistent, fun workout routine, and with a little trial and a lot of error, I can honestly say I’m so happy with my routine that I don’t see myself going back to classes or the gym any time soon. Here’s what I learned, and why it’s changed my mind about working out at home:

1. I came up with a schedule that works best for me
Much to my dismay, I am very much a person who works out best in the morning, which is the opposite of what I want as I am very much not a morning person. But over the past year, I’ve found that waking up and moving before I start work completely changes my day, and for that, it’s worth getting out of bed a couple of hours earlier than I’d prefer.
When you’re taking classes, you’re bound to a schedule that the studio you go to creates. There are usually one or two morning classes at the crack of dawn, and if they’re filled up, you’re pretty much out of luck. Quickly into the pandemic, I realized how nice it was to have my workouts completely on my own schedule. I didn’t need to be up as early as some studios’ schedules forced me to be and I figured out a time that works best for me. The best part? If I oversleep, I don’t get fined for not showing up to class and can work out on my lunch break instead.

2. I took care of my body in new ways
My primary workout is running, but for me, that’s always come with a lot of aches and pains. With nothing else to do this year, I vowed that I’d prioritize stretching and taking care of my body to get it in in a place where pain was no longer a factor. 
Equilibria’s Relief Balm has been a long-time favorite of our editors, as it’s loaded with CBD that helps target achy joints, cramps, and soreness (our wellness editor swears by it to help her period cramps). After some particularly painful runs in the shin department, I put the creams from my knees down to my ankles, and worked it in by massaging my calves with my gua sha. The next day, I felt like I had teleported out of my body and into a new, fresh one of someone with the pain-free shins of a 10-year-old. It made such a world of difference that it’s now a part of my weekly routine, and two nights of my week are dedicated to my Relief Balm and gua sha duo. 
If you’re new to the Relief Balm, you can use it anywhere you’re feeling discomfort, be it from soreness from a tough workout or aches from pushing yourself a little too hard. While I mainly use it on my shins, I also slather it on my knees after a particularly tough run, and then rub it onto any places that feel tired and in need of a little TLC.

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3. I got outside
Sure, it isn’t always possible to get outside, especially considering that I live in finicky Chicago, but any time it’s even remotely possible, I do. When the alternative was my living room in the five feet between my couch and dining table, I bundled up and got outside to exercise in ways I never would have in ordinary times.
If exercising makes me feel twice as good, exercising outside makes me feel double even that. The fresh air and joys of being outside for my workouts made me never want to enter the alternative of a sweat-filled, humid gym again for the rest of my days.

4. I found extra guidance
If there’s one thing that fitness classes offer, it’s a dose of motivation that you might not be able to find without a room filled with other people and an instructor telling you exactly what to do. 
Last summer, I stumbled upon guided runs on Spotify, and when I say that my life has done a 180 since, I mean it. I’ve always been a music-blasting-the-entirety-of-my-workout girl, but being coached through my runs through my headphones left me feeling a calm and peace afterward that I didn’t even know I could, not to mention that it gave me accountability and motivation that’s hard to find when it’s just you trying to run. Rather than messing with my music the entirety of my runs, I found myself easing into them in a way that felt almost like meditation. Be it on Spotify or through fitness apps, guided runs are, in my opinion, the key to becoming a runner in adulthood and they give me all of the encouragement that classes used to.

5. I found joys in the solidarity
After I initially mourned the loss of my beloved boutique fitness classes, I learned that there were a lot of benefits of working out alone that I didn’t realize before. 
When you’re in a class, trying a new move that you know is going to take a few tries to master can feel intimidating; at home, I found myself doing things that I would have thought twice about before, like yoga poses I knew I didn’t have down just yet and would have modified if I was in a studio. 
As someone whose brain never takes a second to breathe, my solo workouts have turned into a time that’s just me and my body, where my thoughts take the back seat to what I’m doing physically. I’ve found such a comfort in being able to do workouts that are on my own, and it’s made me come to terms with—and even enjoy—not doing them around other people. 

This post is sponsored by Equilibria, but all of the opinions within are those of The Everygirl editorial board. More

We often talk about exercise in regards to calorie-burn or “toning up”: gyms promise results using “before” and “after” pictures, the #fitspo hashtag on Instagram is full of women who generally all look the same, and fitness watches track how many calories are burned while we’re on a run or in a workout class. Frankly, I’m over it. The body receives so many more benefits from exercise than just looking a certain way. Reducing something as powerful as exercise to be worth nothing more than a tool to burn calories and fit into a pant size is doing us all a disservice. Forget about weight loss: these eight benefits of exercise are about to give you some serious workout motivation.

1. To boost mood
If you’ve ever left a workout class feeling like you can take on the world, or a bad day seems to totally turn around after going on a run, you already know this one. The mood boost you feel after exercise doesn’t just come from a motivating instructor or crazy-good playlist (although those things help): it’s biological. “Physical activity stimulates various brain chemicals that help you to feel happier, more relaxed, and less anxious,” explained Dr. Kristin Hughes MD, a board-certified emergency medicine physician and concierge health strategist. 
“Exercise regulates mood because it helps the body move from ‘fight-or-flight’ mode to ‘rest-and-digest mode,’” agreed Martha Munroe M.Sc., a certified personal trainer. “Emotions are physiological, so movement can help get us from stressed to calm. Physical activity is correlated with better psychological wellbeing and positivity, as well as better body confidence.” In other words, moving the body can help boost mood in many ways. Exercise releases happy hormones like endorphins to trigger positive feelings and can also help you calm down when you’re feeling stressed or anxious. Besides just an overall mood boost, exercise can also improve the way you feel about yourself (totally unrelated to a number on a scale). 

2. To prevent lower back injuries
Lower back pain might not be the sexiest topic, but this area is important for so many different functions in the body. “Nerves from the low back control everything from bowel function to muscle coordination, as well as sensation and strength in the lower extremities,” said Dr. Jenifer Epstein DC, a chiropractor based in Pennsylvania. In other words, lower back injuries can mean more than just pain.
Dr. Epstein explained that working on core strength is crucial to lower back pain or injury prevention because strengthening the area takes harmful pressure off of the back. While you may know to do ab exercises like crunches to work the ol’ six-pack, the good news is that the core is stimulated during many movements, even if they’re not “targeting” the area. For example, any movement that requires balance works the ab muscles. Also, think about engaging the core in every exercise or movement you do for extra strengthening.

3. To improve focus and energy
If you find yourself reaching for a third cup of coffee or feel an afternoon slump coming on, you’re going to want to listen to this: Saara Haapanen, BSc, MSc, a personal trainer based in Denver, created the “Move at Work Challenge” to get people to move more during their workday for just 5-7 minutes, and then studied the results. Out of a survey of hundreds of people, she found that 65 percent experienced increased energy and 100 percent experienced improved focus. Turns out a yoga flow might be better than a cup of coffee or a nap when it comes to improving focus and increasing energy. To maximize the benefits, take a break to go for a walk if you start to feel your energy dip during the workday, or fit in a workout before working on a project instead of after.

4. To help you sleep
While it may sound counterintuitive since exercise can increase energy, one of the many perks of exercising during the day is that you might sleep better at night. “Exercising for even just 20 minutes a day will improve your sleep cycles,” suggested Kenzie Mariano, a personal trainer and fitness expert. According to The Sleep Foundation, moderate to intense exercise (meaning anywhere between a brisk walk and sprinting) improves sleep quality in adults because it can help decrease the amount of time it takes for you to fall asleep. However, if you exercise too late at night, you might wake up the body and have difficulty sleeping. To find the time of the day that will best help your sleep, experiment with workouts during different times (like early morning, mid-afternoon, or right after work) and notice how your sleep quality changes. 

5. To help (or prevent) chronic pain
Many of us focus on calorie-counting or the number on the scale to measure health while simultaneously ignoring an ankle injury or chronic back pain. In reality, how you feel is way more important than how you look when measuring health (and everything else, while we’re at it). One of the biggest reasons to work out? It helps your body feel its best because it can help prevent chronic pain from coming.
“Exercise is often a prescribed treatment for pain,” explained Beret Kirkeby, certified yoga therapist, licensed massage therapist, and owner of Body Mechanics Orthopedic Massage in NYC. “For many people who battle chronic pain, moving is the best management tool they have access to.” While exercise is beneficial for prevention, if you do have chronic pain, always work with a doctor to form a plan that won’t overly stress the body (which can make pain worse). Also, make sure you have good form (incorrect form can cause injuries instead of preventing them) by checking with a trainer, instructor, or doctor. 

6. To boost creativity
Constantly getting hit with a case of writer’s block or stuck in a rut on a work project? Grab your sneakers and get moving. “Because the hippocampus is also responsible for creative thinking, when we work out, we are more creative,” explained Cathy Spencer-Browning, the VP of Training and Programming at MOSSA. In other words, the same part of the mind connected with mood (see point #1) is also connected to creativity.
Spencer-Browning also noted a study published in Frontiers in Human Neuroscience that showed regular exercisers performed much better on creative tests than their sedentary peers. “Exercising regularly may act as a cognitive enhancer, promoting creativity,” said Lorenzo Calzato, the study’s researcher. While you might feel a little jolt in inspiration after one workout (thanks to all those mood-boosting benefits!), try exercising more regularly for long-term improvement in overall creativity. 

7. To increase longevity
So we know that exercise is just plain good for us (and for even more than just the points already mentioned). But what does “good for us” mean, and how do we measure it? Many experts use the word “longevity” to not only refer to lifespan, but to describe how healthy we are as we age. I’d argue that the main goal of whatever we do for our health now is to keep us healthy in the years to come. One of the biggest things we can do now? You guessed it—exercise. “Being active might lower the risk of chronic diseases as we age and can generally increase our quality of life when we do get to an advanced age,” said Phung D. Tran, an ACSM Certified Exercise Physiologist. 
Dr. Hughes agreed that exercise is important for overall longevity and a healthy life, explaining that while we build up muscle mass when we’re younger (and throughout our lives), it can slow bone loss as we age. Bottom line: exercise can help us live better—not just right now, but for our whole lives. Think of each workout like investing in your future self: consistently building strength and endurance as you get older will help you maintain mobility throughout your life. “Exercise is needed to maintain the functional integrity of the cardiovascular system, muscles, bones, and ligaments. Exercise is a powerful intervention that helps in healthy aging,” explained Dr. Rashmi Byakodi MD.

8. To improve other areas of your life
Exercise can impact more than just your physical body (what can’t it do!?). When you keep a consistent and fulfilling workout routine, you start to see the effects bleed into other areas of your life as well. “The discipline that comes with exercise (like sticking to a routine or committing to a workout) shows up in other areas of life too,” explained Patricia Johnson, a fitness expert, cyclist, trainer, and owner of Pedal Lovers. “If you can lift weights three times a week or go for a bike ride every day, other goals like drinking more water or eating healthier are often easier.”
Exercise can work like a snowball effect: once you do one thing for your body, you start to crave other things as well, whether that’s a plant-focused meal instead of fast food or a self-care routine instead of working an extra hour. Working out can also affect your confidence levels and the way you see yourself. “People who work out consistently are communicating to themselves and the world how they want to be treated,” said Melanie Shmois, a cognitive behavioral therapist and CEO of Mind Your Strength Coaching. When you prioritize a workout, that means you prioritize your well-being. And when you care for, prioritize, and show up for your body? You begin to love it. BRB about to go do some squats now!

Please consult a doctor before beginning any treatments or routines. Always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical or mental health condition. Never disregard professional medical advice or delay in seeking it because of something you have read in this article. More

Making friends when we’re kids can be as simple as sharing a toy or deciding that we’re suddenly “best friends.” But the older we get, the significantly less straightforward it becomes and the more friendship changes. It’s probably been a while since many of us had to put ourselves out there; we might feel out of practice and, at the very least, a little confused about what we should actually say to someone we’d like to get to know better (are we coming off creepy? Desperate? Weird?). While there isn’t one right way to make new friends as an adult, here are six ice breakers that can help.

1. Highlight a similarity
The root of friendship is often an underlying similarity, whether it’s a shared interest, hobby, or sense of humor. That’s why pointing out something you have in common is a great way to approach someone you want to be friends with. Commenting on your shared love of camping, sushi, or rap music shows that you’re paying attention to and are interested in the other person. Plus, you can set the stage for future plans more easily when there’s something in common (“I’ve been dying to try the new hiking trail! Want to check it out together?” or “There’s a great sushi restaurant nearby if you want to go sometime!”). The key is to not force it. Avoid exaggerating and don’t try to be someone you’re not just to find something in common. Noticing and highlighting genuine similarities will not only make you both feel more comfortable, it’ll also help you come across as authentic and increases the chances the two of you will connect.

Source: @hauteofftherack

2. Ask them questions
We often think that to win people over, we have to be impressive: we have to have interesting things to say, be well informed about the topic, or be hilarious and entertaining. But the secret to winning friends and building connections is actually the opposite: make the other person feel like they are impressive and they’ll like you. People like talking about themselves—it’s just fact. So focus on other people and genuinely care about what they have to say. Come up with thoughtful, open-ended questions (forget boring small talk).
If it’s a brand new friendship or you’re just meeting, ask for a restaurant recommendation, a new workout class, or the best nearby cafe to work from. If it’s someone you know a little bit, focus on getting to know them better instead of stating your opinion or talking about yourself. For example, if they’re talking about balancing a career and a side hustle, ask them how hard it is or what they’re most passionate about instead of stepping in with your experience right away. Asking questions shows that you have an interest in the other person’s opinion, and feeling comfortable opening up will make them want to build a connection with you.

3. Give them a compliment
Compliments from strangers or people we don’t know well can be so powerful. Since they’re unexpected, they might even be more appreciated; one compliment to a potential new friend could be memorable enough to be the start of a strong connection. It might feel easier to compliment the things that are obvious, like physical appearance or style, but if you feel up to it, make it something a little more personal. Compliment their work ethic, creativity, or great laugh. These kinds of genuine, perceptive compliments are the ones that stick with us. Plus, moving beyond the superficial (“cute top!”) can make people feel seen and heard in ways that really foster connection and friendship. No need to go overboard and base the entire conversation around various compliments: one thoughtful compliment will come off much more genuine and lay the foundation for the conversation to flow from there.

Source: Colorjoy Stock

4. Offer help
One of the main things that separates good friends from casual acquaintances is emotional, practical, and social support. That’s why letting someone know that you’re available if they need help is a great way to approach them and subtly let them know that you’re interested in being friends. For example, if they mention that they’re moving to a new building, offer to move some boxes on moving day or help them pick out furniture. If they’re stressed about a work presentation or an exam at school, offer to drop off a coffee later or go through flashcards together. This can work especially well if you’re able to work together toward a common goal (like if you’re both training for a marathon or trying to meal prep more often). Offering tangible support or having a concrete goal for you to both help each other can form a connection and let the potential friend know that you’re trustworthy, supportive, and thoughtful. 

5. Use humor
After all, what’s the point of friendships if not to have a good laugh? Humor is actually an important basis of friendships, but it’s not about knock-knock jokes or trying to show off your wit and charm (remember #2!). It actually has very little to do with impressing someone else and everything to do with trying to make both of you feel more at ease. Sharing a lighthearted joke or making a humorous comment about the situation you’re in lets the other person get a glimpse of your personality. Plus, you’ll both be able to relax and get to know each other when you’re not taking everything so seriously. Just remember that humor shouldn’t come at anyone’s expense because it might come off mean-spirited and uncomfortable instead of funny (if you ever have to say “It was just a joke,” it wasn’t). Bottom line: be your hilarious, fun self, and at the very least, it can be a helpful test to see whether you share the same humor or not and if you two have friendship chemistry. 

6. Be upfront
While this strategy might feel the most vulnerable, it can also be the most impactful. It’s hard to put yourself out there when there’s always the possibility of rejection (yes, even with friendships). If you’ve had only brief interactions with someone you want to get to know better, it’s absolutely OK to share that you’re looking to meet new people and you’d love to get coffee, drinks, or [insert other amazingly fun friendship date here]. Being direct doesn’t have to come off as creepy or clingy. In fact, it typically comes off confident and flattering.
To try this strategy for yourself, invite the potential friend to get together in a different context (“I really enjoyed meeting you! Would you be interested in grabbing a coffee sometime?” or “I actually just moved here and don’t really know anyone. I’d love to find a time to go for a walk together.”). The truth is that making the first move is scary in friendships, just as it is in dating, so the other person will likely be relieved that they know where you stand.  More