My first foray into cybersex happened the same way it happened for many people: Chatroulette. The site wanted to be innocent so bad, but it was rife with naked men and “A/S/L?” which was, quite honestly, a dream for a 14-year-old just trying to figure out what a penis looks like without the dreaded Google search. But I’ve come along way since spending a sleepover with my friends chatting up strangers, and I really hope anyone reading this has too (IDK though, man, self-isolation is sad and horny).
As an adult, cybersex is pretty misunderstood. Most people think it’s all about sending nudes or videos, and while those are definitely part of it, it’s not the whole picture (pun not intended, but appreciated). While we’re spending our time away from significant others, booty calls, and Tinder matches, we gotta get creative, and cybersex is the easiest, most fun way.
The #1 thing you need to know about cybersex is that it actually doesn’t have to include any photos at all. Many of us feel uncomfortable sharing photos, naked or not, with someone electronically, and that’s totally normal and isn’t a bad thing (nor is it a bad thing if you send nudes to everyone in your contact list—except, ya know, family). Instead, focus your efforts on sexting. But if you want to send nudes, be my guest!
1. Don’t sext with someone you don’t really want to have sex with
This is pretty obvious, but I want to remind all my lady friends who are sad and alone in their apartments right now one more time. If they don’t turn you on, don’t force it. And obviously, only sext or send photos to someone you totally trust.
2. Don’t say anything you wouldn’t normally say
Unless you’re trying something new on for size, don’t say things that wouldn’t normally come out of your mouth when you’re having sex. For example, don’t call your partner “Daddy” over sext if it would totally weird you out to do IRL. Sexting comes off more natural if you’re being yourself. So if you’re typically really goofy or love to laugh while you’re getting it on, don’t be super serious in a sext because it won’t sound like you.
3. Get in the mood
As much as I love the idea of telling someone I want to bang them sideways all while cleaning out my closet, it doesn’t exactly make for the best experience for me. So put down the clothes’ hangers, and put on your cute PJs or lingerie to really make it feel real.
4. Tell them exactly what you want
And don’t be afraid to be descriptive. I’m not talking the usual “I want it here” and “you’re so hot.” Take some tips from all those romance novels you’re reading and actually tell your partner what you want. Do you like when they f*ck you hard? Tell them! Do you want it up the butt? Tell them!
5. Take it slow
Timing is everything. It’ll sound forced and rushed if you’re immediately all “OMG I’m almost there” in .2 seconds. Time it the way you would if you were actually having sex. If you like foreplay, include foreplay. If you enjoy changing positions a few times, change positions.
6. Talk about what you enjoyed previously
If you’ve had sex before, great! This makes it a lot easier because you can always go back to what you enjoyed before. Tell them you can’t stop thinking about when they did X, Y, or Z.
7. Don’t try the stereotypical tropes
“What are you wearing?” “U up?” “WYD?” You’ve seen them all, and you’ve likely laughed at the obvious lack of game their sender had. Don’t be that guy! There are tons of ways to initiate sexting that don’t include f*ckboy language. Try these:
- Have you thought about me at all lately? / I’ve been thinking about you a lot …
- I can’t wait for you to come home later!
- I can’t wait to see you next.
- I miss you.
- It’s too bad you’re not here right now.
Also, make sure you give your partner a heads up before you get into anything super sexy. Someone sexted me once when my poor dad was trying to help me choose an Internet provider, and it came up on my computer screen. I still have nightmares, and I’d never want that to happen to anyone else.
8. Let the conversation flow
Don’t get too commanding of the conversation. Instead, let it flow how it wants to. Again, we’re trying to emulate sex through the use of technology, so you just want the conversation to seem natural. If you start talking about oral sex and you get a stroke of genius (hehe) to talk about how you want to dominate your partner, keep it in the back of your mind and save it for when it’s appropriate.
9. Send a heads up being sending photos
If you want to send your partner a naked photo, give them a heads up first and make sure it’s something they’re OK with. Unsolicited nudes are a hard pass, even when you’re sexting. This also helps if your partner is out in public or on a computer. If you’ve ever received a computer nude and had someone sitting closeby, it’s a no-go.
10. If your partner sends nudes, respond
You want positive affirmation on photos you send, and your partner wants the same. So when your partner sends a photo of themselves, tell them what you like. Tell them how it turns you on, what you want to do with them, your favorite parts about their body. Telling your partner how freaking hot they are should feel comfortable and easy, so it sends the conversation in a new direction.
11. Have a photoshoot
This is a female secret of the ages. Your in-the-moment nudes are totally sexy and hot, but it’s always a good idea to have a few bomb AF options locked-and-loaded for the nights you just wanna masturbate with your sweats still on. Use the “hidden” folder in your phone to keep these safe, or delete and take new ones often. I also go into my computer and delete photos from the Cloud about once a month to ensure my nudes won’t get leaked when I’m famous one day (and I’d recommend everyone do the same).
12. Open up about fantasies
I’m always talking about telling your partner your fantasies, and sexting is truly the easiest way to do so. Don’t blindside your partner and randomly ask if they can pee on you (like the hot politician in SATC), but ask if they want to hear about your fantasies and share some of theirs. They’re pretty likely going to say yes!
13. Ask questions
Don’t rely on telling your partner what you want the entire time. To move forward in the conversation, you have to know what each of you is thinking. Here are a few ideas:
- How do you want me to turn you on?
- What are you thinking about?
- What do you want right now?
- Would that feel good?
This also coincides with checking in often. Make sure everything is good with your partner and that they feel good, and tell them that you’re OK too!
14. Don’t forget transitions
Sexting is quite similar to writing a high school English paper, and the first thing you need to pluck from your memory of Canterbury Tales and subject-verb agreement is that you have to transition between paragraphs messages. This helps you move onto the next thing without it being awkward or jarring. It might be a good idea to ask them how that would feel and then move onto the next thing.
15. Allow yourself to have fun
Sexting is for both of you, so don’t get shy when the curtains come down! Get into it, be the spicy gal we know you all to be! And make sure you get a little somethin’ too. 😉
