Raphael Stevens

It started as a normal morning enjoying a cup of coffee together before the craziness of the day began. “Coffee time,” as we call it, is our daily ritual of couple time where no phones are allowed, and we just talk. Most days it’s an enjoyable conversation, but on this particular morning, we veered into dangerous territory: money. Before I could try to change the subject, an inevitable question surfaced.“Exactly how much debt do you have?” he asked as my body began to tense.
For the record, I don’t have a lot of debt, but I do have some. My partner, on the other hand, has none. I immediately felt uneasy and insecure. We made it through the conversation unscathed, but it got me thinking about couples and finances and why it’s so hard to talk about money. Studies show that money is one of the most widespread, difficult, and persistent issues within marriages. It’s no wonder a new practice of premarital financial counseling seems to be gaining popularity among engaged couples. 

Why is it so hard for couples to talk about money? 
When two people decide to do life together, it’s much more than a merging of households and families. As a licensed couple and family therapist Michelle Collins explained, couples are also joining their pasts and future dreams. “Along with those things, they are joining their different orientations towards money,” Collins said.
Our family culture, values, and past experiences help determine our views and beliefs about money. “One’s relationship with money develops the language they use when communicating about, interacting with, and showing others how they treat money,” Collins said. “It is common for partners to have different languages about money and when trying to bridge the gap, couples find they don’t have all the tools to translate—and listen—clearly.”
It comes down to a communication issue. Collins works with couples to examine their family tree and discuss how each individual’s parents’ life experiences and views toward money have impacted their own relationship with money. “This conversation allows partners to better understand how the other person has developed their money language and then find ways to translate so they can be successful managing their finances.”

What is premarital financial counseling?
Think of it like couples counseling meets financial counseling. An unbiased, trained professional will help translate your different money languages so you can navigate important financial decisions. “Premarital financial counseling involves the creation of a budget, and the discussion of long-term and short-term financial goals like saving for a home, or the parties’ thoughts about retirement,” Holly Davis, a family law attorney at Kirker Davis LLP, explained. 
You will discuss everything from spending habits and work ethic to how you’ll handle potential difficult financial situations. “These are so important to discuss because if you are engaged to a big spender, and you are a penny pincher, you have the opportunity to work with your fiancée to see if you can influence their behavior, or to see if you can soften your stance on the position,” Davis said. “Compromises need to be reached when two parties have two very different opinions on big financial topics.” You will learn a lot about your partner and your relationship when you get into the details of what you will do if someone loses their job, or how much money they think should be spent on vacations, entertainment, or clothing.

Who can benefit from premarital financial counseling?
Don’t let the word premarital fool you. Both Collins and Davis believe every couple can benefit from financial counseling. “I have never seen a couple not benefit from having a dedicated and structured conversation around money,” said Collins. 
Davis pointed out that financial consultation is important any time a couple shares expenses or a living space regardless of the status of the relationship. “Waiting for an engagement to discuss these issues is oftentimes too late to change course if you are truly incompatible with someone financially,” she said. Even if you think you have similar views towards money because you come from similar families, Davis warned that could be a false sense of security. She said you must get into specific hypotheticals with your partner to know you’re really on the same page.

Source: rawpixel

How to avoid money issues in your relationship.
First things first, stop avoiding talking about money. Davis recommended being proactive about discussing money frequently, rather than waiting until you’re in the middle of a financial issue. This, she explained, will help you become more self-aware and realize what triggers you when discussing money. “If you know your own roadmap to having a negative reaction, you can try to stop it before it starts,” Davis said.
Don’t shy away from uncomfortable conversations. According to Collins and Davis, the following questions are important yet often avoided prior to marriage:

Will we have a joint account? 
Are there expectations for us to monitor or hold each other accountable about personal spending? 
Do your family members have any financial expectations of you?
Do you like to enjoy money, have it for security, or use it as a status symbol?
If you were fired or laid off or couldn’t perform your current job, what would you do?  What’s your Plan B?  
If you plan on having children, how does each person feel about what their role is in raising the children? Will one person primarily perform this function, or will it be a shared role between the two parties?

Ultimately, it comes down to willingness to communicate and compromise. The earlier you identify and understand your different money languages, the quicker you can work on finding common ground. “The hardest part isn’t identifying differences, it’s actually changing your own default opinion in the face of a different opinion that is the hard work,” Davis explained. “If you are engaged to a person who is willing to do this, then your differences can likely be successfully bridged.” 
And if these conversations are too difficult on your own, know that you can always bring in a professional. A trained couple’s counselor or premarital financial counselor will help navigate the conversation and close the gap between your different money languages without bias or emotion. They will ensure the conversation is productive and that you walk away with a clear understanding of your financial future before you walk down the aisle.
As for my coffee time debt discussion with my partner, I’m sure it is the first of many uncomfortable conversations about money. And maybe therein lies the real value in it. After all, life isn’t always comfortable so for a relationship to last, it needs to be built on a foundation of honest, respectful communication, no matter what the topic.  More

The likelihood of me leaving the house for anything other than essentials (like work and obtaining groceries) decreases exponentially with the temperature outside. Below freezing? Yeah, probably staying indoors. 10 degrees with a wind chill? Screw the groceries, see you next April.For the days (or, let’s face it, months) when the weather is less-than-ideal, it’s easy for our productivity—and general satisfaction with life—to come to a screeching halt as we hole up with blankets, junk food, and a long, long Netflix queue.
Don’t get me wrong: I love a good Netflix queue. But it’s difficult enough for busy people to maintain affirming, fulfilling hobbies as it is. Add a snowstorm into the mix, and suddenly an entire season is reduced to a placeholder (especially after the holidays end) for all the stuff we’ll probably start up again once the world thaws.
If you don’t want to spend all winter feeling frozen in time, here’s a list of fun, fulfilling hobbies you can start within the comfort (and warmth!) of your own home.

1. Experiment in the kitchen

When it comes to cooking, there are two kinds of people: Those who cook to live and those who live to cook. Try venturing into the second category by trying new dishes, recipes, and methods. Experiment with new cuisines or flavor profiles and get creative.

Where to start

If cooking anything beyond the basics feels totally out of your wheelhouse, try investing in a good cookbook first. As new recipes and new flavor combinations work for you, you’ll need to use cookbooks less and less to whip up something great.

2. Stay balanced with yoga

Even if you’re more of a HIIT or treadmill kind of girl, think of yoga as an exercise for stress relief, rather than just physical. Certain yoga poses can help anxiety or lessen the effects of sitting at a desk all day. Try adding a yoga practice into your daily routine to deepen your breath, stay connected to your body, and make it to summer with as little stress as possible. 

Where to start

If setting time aside for yoga seems difficult to fit into your schedule, incorporate some flows and poses into your daily routine. For example, try an energizing flow first thing in the morning to wake you up, a wind-down flow before bed, or sit in Child’s Pose whenever you start feeling stressed. 

3. Learn a new language

Why not spend all winter learning a new language, then try out your newfound skills on your spring or summer vacation? This hobby will keep your mind stimulated and, if you keep it up, give your resume a major boost.

Where to start

Download a language app (like DuoLingo) to your phone. Pick a language and start learning! It really is that simple.

4. Sharpen your writing skills.

While natural ability will always play a part in most talents, writing is first and foremost a learned skill. If you’ve ever wished you were a better writer, you’re in luck, because you totally can be. You just need practice.

Where to start

If you feel like you have a lot of learning to do, check out writing courses on Skillshare. If your goal is to get creative juices flowing, then write for the sake of writing. Make a plan for how often you want to write, then find a list of writing prompts you like (here’s one) and get started! You can complete the prompt with as little or as much written word as you want. If you want something more interactive, sign up for Daily Page. Every day you’ll receive a new prompt, and you have until the end of the day to complete it. Once finished, you have the choice to share your writing publicly or keep it private.

5. Unwind with knitting

Knitting makes the perfect hobby for a number of reasons. For one, once you’ve got the basics down, you can do it while also doing other things (like watching TV or listening to a great podcast or audiobook). This hobby actually makes a night in with Netflix productive, because you’ll end up with sweaters and scarves and hats at the end. Win-win in our book.

Where to start

You’ll need a pair of knitting needles, yarn, a crochet hook for picking up dropped stitches, and a yarn needle for joining pieces of knitting together. Then, you’ll want to pick a pattern to start. If you’re a total beginner, take a look at these classes to help you get started.

6. Reconnect with your inner kid.

Remember when you were young and a night playing board games or doing puzzles was considered a night well spent? We sure do. As adults, why can’t spending time with friends and family (with some good old-fashioned entertainment) be a hobby? You’ll bond with loved ones, stimulate the brain, and pass the time with some lighthearted (or ultra-competitive, if you’re into that) fun.

Where to start

First, pick your board games (duh). Then, on a night you’d otherwise spend curled up watching TV, opt to play the games with your significant other, roommates, or friends. If you’re feeling extra fancy, make board game nights (complete with wine and cheese) a weekly gathering among your group of friends. If puzzles are more your jam, here’s a list of the best selling puzzles on Amazon. If you don’t have kids or pets that will make a mess of it, leave your puzzle out on the coffee table to revisit throughout the day.

7. Start a new workout plan

I know, I know. You just rolled your eyes at the suggestion that a workout plan could actually be considered a “hobby.” But workouts don’t have to be forced, painful, or boring. In fact, your workout plan in 2021 should look like finding a workout that feels like a hobby, whether it’s a relaxing yoga flow after a long day or an energizing dance class that reminds you of a GNO (remember clubs?). 

Where to start

Obé Fitness offers every possible class you could think of to stream live or on-demand at home, and the live classes turn your living room into a trendy studio or a boutique gym, thanks to fun music, live-streamed classes, and upbeat instructors. Obé Fitness offers classes for everything from cardio, to sculpt, to yoga, and have several 10-day programs custom-made by your favorites (like The Yoga Deep Dive or, ahem, The Everygirl Program, just to name a few). 
Use promo code “TEG50” to get 50% off your first month of Obé Fitness.

8. Start an indoor herb garden

That’s right: gardening doesn’t have to be an outdoor activity reserved for summertime. Keeping a few different herbs indoors not only adds a refreshing feel to your home (and makes for pretty decor!), but it also means more flavorful, healthy meals for a fraction of the price of store-bought herbs. The best part? It’s so easy to start and keep up an indoor herb garden, you don’t even need a green thumb to do it. 

Where to start

First, decide which herbs would be best to grow and where you’ll keep them. Parsley, cilantro, or basil, are good herbs to start with indoors because they require less sunlight and give obvious signs if they need more or  less water (AKA they’re pretty foolproof). If you get a lot of sunlight through your apartment and are lucky enough to get year-round sunshine, put plants right by the window to get 6-8 hours of sunlight daily. And if you really want to get legit or aren’t sure if you’ll get enough sunlight from the slit they call a window in your studio apartment (guilty), try an indoor Smart Garden.  More

They say eyes are the window to the soul, but I’d like to make the case that the window to the soul is, in fact, your refrigerator. Hear me out: our fridges show what’s most important to us (how many fruits and veggies are in your produce drawer, again?), give insight into our lifestyles (are your shelves full of meal-prepped veggies or leftover takeout?), and contain our deepest, darkest secrets (half-melted Ben & Jerry’s, I’m looking at you). It’s kind of like reading a diary entry. To get inspiration for your fridge (whether it’s food storage, meal prep, or healthy eating tips), we asked 17 women in wellness to send us a felfie (or fridge selfie. Isn’t that a thing yet??). Read on to find out what 17 nutritionists, doctors, wellness bloggers, entreprenuers, and healers keep inside their fridges.
 1. Dr. Mona Vand, Pharmacist and Digital Creator

“Every week, I get a bunch of fresh produce and wash them well before putting them away in produce bins. This helps me eat healthy when I want quick meals throughout the week. I always make sure to have organic berries, Persian cucumbers, red leaf lettuce, and romaine lettuce on hand. I also probably get about 20 limes and lemons each week because I use them on everything. I also like to make my own plant-based milk and add it to glass milk cartons because it looks aesthetic in the fridge, which always makes eating healthy more enjoyable.”

“I love to cook and prefer bold, spicy, and fermented flavors like black garlic, gochujang, and hot peppers, so my fridge has a lot of sauces and pastes in it. I’m gluten-free, dairy-free, and have an allergy to nightshades (but my husband doesn’t, so our fridge is a happy blend of different versions of a lot of the same foods. For example, we have four different brands of tortillas in the fridge right now!).
A few staples in my fridge:
I always have cauliflower for my grandma’s Spanish rice that I’ll cook this week as a side for tacos. 
I drink kombucha almost every day. I used to make it myself, but the Kirkland brand is my current favorite. 
I’m a fan of smoothies, so there is always an obscene amount of almond milk in my fridge. I add dates and almond butter to smoothies, so you’ll always find those in here.
I also keep some of my skincare products in the fridge for freshness and to cool down my eczema flare-ups. I also keep vitamins like fish oil or any with oregano oil in the fridge to help aid digestion.
I hate wasting food, so each week I’ll make stir-fry brown rice, noodles, or crispy fried rice with tofu, and use up any leftover veggies in one dish. Anything else that’s past its prime will go into my compost.
There’s always a chilled bottle of wine in my fridge that’s waiting to be opened for a celebration, a chat with a friend, or just a night at home.

“I use my Foundational Five system to build a balanced meal, so I always have ingredients for each of the five elements prepped, stocked in the fridge, and ready to put together in an easy, nourishing meal. The five elements are protein, healthy fat, starchy carbohydrates, non-starchy carbohydrates, and the flavor factor (think dressings, sauces, and seasonings). I always stock and organize my fridge with the five elements in mind. You’ll find protein options like baked tofu and eggs, non-starchy carbohydrates with fresh and frozen produce, starchy carbohydrates like beans and potatoes, healthy fats like tahini and homemade dressings, and fermented foods like kimchi for a flavor factor.”

4. Jessica Rihal, Yoga and Meditation Instructor

“I always keep free-range eggs, pre-washed greens like arugula or spinach, and yogurt on hand. Always having these items (that I personally enjoy eating) makes it very simple to grab and go, or to create a quick and fulfilling meal in just a few minutes.”

5. Eliza Ganesh, Cofounder and CEO of Sunwink

“My philosophy is to keep it simple with whole foods and lots of plants. I don’t have rules; I love bread, cheese, and chocolate, and I’m cool with that. My winter staples include vegetable soup, citrus fruit, elderberry syrup, and Immunity Berry and Detox Ginger Sunwink. Some of favorite brands and splurges are Cowgirl Creamery Mt. Tam cheese, Siete tortillas, and Ithaca hummus.”

“My fridge always changes, depending on what recipes I’m trying for the week. But a few must-have items I always keep stocked in my fridge are a variety of leafy greens, blueberries, lemons, limes, and a constant supply of Tops Chicos. There are also eggs hidden in the back somewhere. I love storing seeds and nuts in glass jars to keep them fresher for longer. Since they typically contain high amounts of unsaturated fat, they’re more prone to spoiling faster from heat and light, so if I’m not using them immediately, I’ll store them in the fridge.”

7. Ailsa Emmel, Certified Nurse Midwife and Blogger

“I’m not the cook in my house, so I always have to be sure I have healthy snacks and protein on hand to make a salad or quick meal. My hubby loves to season and garnish meals with cilantro and parsley, which we store in mason jars to increase their longevity. Fruits and yogurt are a must for a healthy parfait. Having fresh items that are easy to grab has made being stuck at home so much easier when the munchies creep in.”

8. Ana Lilia, Certified Breathwork Teacher and Healer

“Some of the must-have items in my fridge include pickles (I’m really loving pickled pineapple right now) and celery (I juice one bundle per day and drink it on an empty stomach). Celery juice has anti-inflammatory properties and 12 antioxidant compounds.”  

9. Maya Feller, MS, RD, CDN, Nutrition Expert and Author

“These days, my fridge is a combination of produce from Chef Collective and staple items from Fresh Direct. Generally, we always have farm eggs (and lots of them), tons of produce (especially leafy greens and cruciferous veggies), and an assortment of both dairy and non-dairy substitutes.”

“I hate adding to our landfill waste, so I tend to repurpose takeout containers and use them to store food and leftovers. I also don’t throw out extra condiment packs. Since my kids play sports and my husband is going into the office, these extra condiment packs are great for packed lunches. My family eats veggies and fruit daily. We have a sizable frozen stock of fish and chicken, so for dinner, we will often defrost a little, have rice or beans on the side, and always include a fruit and veggie to accompany it.”

11. Erika Polsinelli, Kundalini Breathwork Healer and Founder of Evolve By Erika

“Since my husband and I don’t really drink, I need my fridge stocked with mocktails (like some seltzer or sparkling water, and non-alcoholic elixirs with a squeeze of lemon or orange). I also like to have a green juice handy, in case I’m too lazy to make my own and clean the juicer (if you know, you know). I always have Ezekiel bread to make avocado toasts (an easy go-to for breakfast or lunch) and hummus. Since I am plant-based, hummus is a great source of protein. Last but not least, I always have some fresh produce in case I want to whip up a salad, juice, or smoothie.”

12. Dr. Kiarra King, OB-GYN and Blogger

“I’ve been vegetarian for 23 years, so my fridge is plant-based friendly. I always have my favorite veggie sausages (I’m not big on meat replacements, but I like the added variety, texture, and protein from time to time). I use oat milk for recipes like my homemade vegan pancakes and my little one’s cereal. I usually have lots of fruit and veggie options to make fresh smoothies, like carrots, spinach, oranges, apples, and bananas. I’m currently doing a three-day juice cleanse, so that’s in my fridge too.”

“As a plant-based enthusiast, my staples are obviously vegetables. My fridge is usually full of produce, low-sugar green juices, kombucha, fresh berries, and sprouts. Not pictured, but another favorite fridge staple is vegan cheese. I also love to snack on crudités as a snack, so I typically have a variety of fresh dips and hummus as well.”

“You’ll find tons of whole foods like broccoli, cabbage, cauliflower, and kale, as well as lots of condiments to spice up veggies. For our little one, we always keep frozen breast milk, organic frozen berries, and frozen vegetables. Peep our home made cold brew too!”
 

“My fridge basics include eggs, yogurts, yummy cheese, kimchi, some fresh veggies, herbs, lettuces, and my favorite condiments like miso, tahini, tamari, and hot sauce.”

“My fridge will never feel empty as long as there are condiments (especially hot sauce). Cholula is my classic pick, but I love Cutino Sauce Co, which is a small batch sauce made locally. Since I have a cereal brand, my fridge always has nut milk. If I feel productive, I make almond milk from scratch, but otherwise, it’s a rotating assortment of brands. I’m still on the search for my favorite, but I’m currently into Minor Figures. Dieux is a reusable eye mask that’s quickly become a staple part of my morning routine. After applying serum, I pull the cool mask from the fridge and wear it while drinking an americano and scrolling TikTok. 
A few other staples: I love looking through the tahini section at Middle Eastern grocers. It’s beautiful how much versatility can come from one single ingredient. I always have a backup (because tahini is self-care!), and Seed + Mill is one of my favorites. Lastly, there are few things better than a turkey sandwich. I keep Kewpie mayo on hand, as it’s the secret ingredient to a perfect sandwich. The slight sweetness of this Japanese-style mayo is unmatched.” 

“As a mama of three, it’s so important that our fridge is stocked with healthy and enjoyable foods for the kids to grab and go, plus all the essentials to make rich, nutrient-dense meals. Our mantra is to eat your colors, so my fridge is always packed with every color of the rainbow to infuse the antioxidants and nutrients that nature provides. My fridge essentials always include nut milk (I love to make my own when I can, like this cashew milk), fresh fruit and veggies, easy grab-and-go drinks (like kombucha), pasture-raised eggs, fresh juice, and hummus for snacking. You’ll also find snack bars for my kids, dark chocolate (a must) and often, we’ll have leftover smoothies that we sip on throughout the day. I have so much gratitude for my fridge; it’s our treasure trove of yummy, nourishing food and drinks.”

What are your fridge staples for healthy eating? More

We’ve all seen it, whether in someone else or in ourselves: a woman (or man) falls in love and, somewhere along the way, forgets themselves and fades into half a person. Someway, somehow, the wants and needs of another human being becomes more important than their own. They disappear into themselves or, more accurately, disappears into the new romance, not to return until the initial sense of magic fades.Falling head-over-heels in love is an exhilarating and exciting feeling, one that’s all too easy to get caught up in whenever we’re lucky enough to recognize the sensation. But while love and partnership can be amazing if you want to have those things, they should never come at the cost of your own sense of self.
We are a generation raised on the words: “You complete me.” Romantic movies and media have shaped the way we regard and celebrate love. We see the language everywhere: Other half, better half, soulmate. In this world, love is seen not just as a wonderful part of life, but an achievement necessary to reach a level of full, complete humanity.

We are a generation raised on the words: You complete me.

Frankly, I hate this idea. You don’t need a “better half” because you are not half of a person. You are a whole person. A healthy relationship isn’t made of two broken, incomplete halves becoming one. It’s made of two wholes, both fully formed with their own plans and dreams and ideas, choosing to navigate the world together. And here’s the kicker: holding on to yourself after falling in love won’t just make you happier down the line—it will also make you a better, more honest partner.
I’ll be the first to confirm that staying in a successful, working marriage is more difficult work than any job I’ve ever had. The people my husband and I were when we married five years ago are not the people we are now, and we’ve had growing pains as our new goals and plans shifted us together in some ways, and apart in others.

Holding on to yourself after falling in love won’t just make you happier down the line—it will also make you a better, more honest partner.

Long-term commitment is never easy, and it’s compounded by the fact that, in the early stages of a relationship, we work really hard to make it look like it is. In those magical first few months and years when your partner can do no wrong, we ignore personality traits that will bother us later (and disguise our own bad habits that will later reemerge), put our own goals on hold to make more time for our partners, and generally change ourselves in ways that make for really blissful short-term relationships and really difficult long-term ones.
Remaining fearlessly ourselves: the good, the bad, the trying-to-untangle-headphones-while-you’re-in-a-rush ugly, might scare off more than a few potential partners who never would have worked out anyway. It might make the initial phases of dating scarier and more vulnerable, and it might make it seem more difficult to find someone special in the first place. But then you can rest easy knowing that the ones who stick around are the ones who are truly compatible with the real you.

Source: Polina Tankilevitch | Pexels

Some things to remember:

1. Remember your goals
While it’s natural for your goals to fluctuate and change as you re-envision a shared future with someone else, remember that it’s OK (and necessary) to have goals that extend outside of your relationship. You owe it to yourself not to get complacent after settling down.

2. Make family and friends a priority
When you start a new relationship, it’s too easy to leave your family and friends in the dust. As you start seeing someone new, double your effort to maintain connections with loved ones. Ask yourself, “Am I saying ‘no’ to them more than ‘yes’?”

3. Have your own hobbies
You don’t need to have everything in common with your partner. I will repeat: you don’t need to have everything in common with your partner. You might like reading while he or she prefers video games. You might be an outdoor person while he or she likes staying inside. Sure, these things can help you determine if you’re truly compatible or not, but it’s perfectly healthy for aspects of your lives and interests to exist independently from one another. It’s far more important to be honest and supportive of each other than it is for you to both like camping. I promise.

Do you change at all when you start a relationship or is this a non-issue? Start a discussion in the comments! More